posted May 16, 2014 08:51 PM
Wow, reading Violets' posts is like seeing a mirror image of my experience with my mother. The similarities are striking!Ami, do you still remember that I changed my username recently and I am the former "CP"?
If so, then you probably remember me telling you at least once that my mother is batsh*t crazy and everyone in the family knows it and two of her siblings had the same stories about how insufferable she was when they were all young. She used to try to make them angry, they'd react angrily, she would start crying and continue until their father came home, and since she was his favorite, he would come down really hard on the other kids; there'd be hell to pay for making his "Indian Doll" upset.
Ami, honey, I believe every one of their stories. The woman is unbelievable.
I figured out a few years ago that she either had BPD (like Violets' mom) or something similar. This was after years of crazy-making with her. Although she genuinely cares about me in her own wacky way, she was frequently and consistently very verbally abusive. At age 17 I took a (small) overdose of aspirin because I felt I could not continue to live anymore (in her house). I guess I didn't really want to die, but I was so, so depressed. Something made me stop at (I don't remember the number that I took, maybe 15, maybe 20). I managed to partially mess up my hearing in one ear, but I survived otherwise.
Anyway, probably because of my Cancer moon, I have never cut her off. I do feel indebted because she raised me and gave me quite a bit materially, so I do this weighing thing in my head and the scales are sort of balanced ... and I keep her in my life. I think the only way I'd stop talking to her is if she became overly oppressive with my son, now 9 years old, and if he told me there was no way he could see her ever again.
Now, the conversation you quoted above is a clear example of mental cruelty, no doubt. Apparently, despite the one year of being cut off, she doesn't have the self restraint to be nice, now that she's "back in". This means she is just incapable of relating to you as a human being, really. It also suggests that maybe she has very little insight into her actions and their effect on people. Either that, or she is purposely doing it, which is worse, in my mind. An unhealthy situation, any which way you stack things.
I am no stranger to this type of thing. Example: last year I bought a co-op apartment, at the age of 43. And remember, I work as an attorney for 16 years already, having actually graduated from law school. Because I allow her to be, she is involved in some matters in my life. Yes, I'm an idiot. I shared with her details of the bidding process with the sellers, I shared with her details of the contract negotiating, etc. Do you know what that woman said to me one day before we went to contract? She said, "Condoowit, I think you should have your friend Laurie review the contract first. You know how practical she is. Don't you think you should do that?" Well, Ami, I found an excuse to hang up the phone before I popped my cork, because whenever she wants to get under my skin, she tells me that my childhood friend Laurie has more common sense, Laurie knows how to handle her money, Laurie this and Laurie that. Whaaaaaaaaaat???? Are you f'in kidding me??????? I mean, seriously, I had an attorney representing me, I myself am an attorney, and she wanted me to run it by Laurie? Who, btw, is not an attorney, although I love her and she's great and very bright.
Another thing she harangued me about is the fact that I never asked the sellers, before going to contract, what was underneath the crappy carpeting in the living room and bedrooms. It's true, I didn't. I didn't because I had plans to put in a beautiful hardwood floor and whatever was underneath, it didn't matter. If it was wood, it would have been junky wood. If it was concrete, that would get covered by nice hardwood. Ami, don't you know that my mother harangued me for at least three months about how naive I am to bid on a co-op without knowing what the floors are underneath? "You could have gotten another $5,000 off the price if they admitted it was concrete." "No, mom, that was their bottom line price, no negotiating down was going to happen, for any reason. Trust me, I was there." "No, Condoowit, I'm sorry to say that after all these years, you're still naive. And that sh*tty broker of yours did you a huuuuuge disservice, you should tell her she's a sh*tty broker." ( Side note, that broker is one of my best girlfriends who my mother is jealous of).
So, yes, Ami, many of us have these mothers who are just determined, or maybe pre-determined, to make us feel bad about ourselves, if we allow it.
Some people are born in poverty. Some people are born with physical limitations. Some people are born to alcoholic fathers. And some people are born to crazy-making mothers.
Maybe we can just accept and believe, once and for all, that it's not us - it's them. We are fine, they are cray-cray. Maybe we were born their daughters (or sons) to learn a particular lesson. Maybe we were born to them to learn how to be the bigger person. I don't know. I'm just speculating.
All I know is that from the anecdotes you've shared with the LL community, I have no doubt that it's not you. It's her.
And I think you've made a lot of yourself in spite of her. Be proud. Let her insults roll off of you like water off a duck's back. Did I say that right? I have a tendency to mess up sayings and proverbs. My ex-husband laughed at me for years because I once told him to stop busting my chain. (my unique combination of busting my chops/ yanking my chain.)
Lindaland
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posted May 16, 2014 08:21 PM
posted May 16, 2014 08:51 PM
