posted July 15, 2014 01:03 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
AG
I'm curious....
Does this show up in your chart?

Your IC and anything else....

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posted July 15, 2014 01:33 PM            

Darkest time ~

I was fourteen, on vacation with most of my family, staying in this ramshackle little cabin overlooking a gorgeous lake. We were all in the living room...I was looking through teeny bopper magazines, obsessing over New Kids on the Block. Someone said something about next year's vacation and my mother, sick with cancer, replied...

"If I'm alive then."

That was the first time I realized she was going to die. It was like staring right at an oncoming train. I was powerless to stop it, it WAS going to hit us..

'Went to my room that night, kept the naked lightbulb on, stared at the ceiling all night, not sleeping, and experienced these tidal waves of dread over and over.

I've had depression, panic, heartbreak, traumatic experiences over the years...this one night was everything at once.

Interestingly my sun was progressing into Aquarius that month...maybe it was that very night? I don't remember the date. But it's supposed to be a turbulent time of life, when the progressed sun moves into the next sign...and it was. For me it was like literally leaving my "home" of Capricorn. Nothing was ever the same after my mom died (a few months later.)

Happiest memory ~

Honestly there are so many, I can't choose. Every time I've had a lot of fun or just connected with my friends and family is a "best time." I'm so grateful for all of it.

posted July 15, 2014 02:15 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by BellaFenice:
AG, what about the good memories? Want to share some of those? We have to give ourselves TLC once in a while.

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posted July 15, 2014 02:54 PM            

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I remember that "nothing ever works out for me" feeling. These days it is like a foggy dream of another life.

When I was barely 17 I went 3000 miles from home to college. That was on the West Coast and Ken Kesey was a friend of the head of the Lit Dept at my school, plus San Francisco was a hitchhike away. I got so involved with extracurricular activities that when finals came I literally threw them out the window.

Surprise surprise I was asked to leave the school, and if I wanted to come back to prove I was willing to do course-work by going to another school in the meantime. I did that, and was reaccepted on a full scholarship...

Having been made to feel that I was a huge disappointment by my father I excitedly called to tell him of my reinstatement and to make him and myself feel better...no answer. For three days no answer and then a call from my mother..."I have to tell you something...about your father..." he had been lying dead in his apt those three days. I remember being unsurprised by his death (he always swore he wouldn't and didn't want to experience old age) but very angry that he didn't wait to hear that I wasn't a complete fuckup after all.

I was young and selfcentered. I guess I could be ashamed of those feelings but it was just what it was. Now I am able to look back on all the wonderful times and experiences and qualities of my father with love and appreciation and without any rancor...that is one of the GOOD THINGS for me.

posted July 15, 2014 03:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
To all those who have lost, struggled, battled and endured.

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posted July 15, 2014 07:35 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Catalina:
@AG - Never too early to start appreciating the "little things" "sprinkled" thru the stress. What you focus on grows. You are still young but it seems to me you have triumphed over quite a few difficult circumstances. Doesn't reflecting on that give you a good feeling?

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I remember that "nothing ever works out for me" feeling. These days it is like a foggy dream of another life.

When I was barely 17 I went 3000 miles from home to college. That was on the West Coast and Ken Kesey was a friend of the head of the Lit Dept at my school, plus San Francisco was a hitchhike away. I got so involved with extracurricular activities that when finals came I literally threw them out the window.

Surprise surprise I was asked to leave the school, and if I wanted to come back to prove I was willing to do course-work by going to another school in the meantime. I did that, and was reaccepted on a full scholarship...

Having been made to feel that I was a huge disappointment by my father I excitedly called to tell him of my reinstatement and to make him and myself feel better...no answer. For three days no answer and then a call from my mother..."I have to tell you something...about your father..." he had been lying dead in his apt those three days. I remember being unsurprised by his death (he always swore he wouldn't and didn't want to experience old age) but very angry that he didn't wait to hear that I wasn't a complete fuckup after all.

I was young and selfcentered. I guess I could be ashamed of those feelings but it was just what it was. Now I am able to look back on all the wonderful times and experiences and qualities of my father with love and appreciation and without any rancor...that is one of the GOOD THINGS for me.

Sometimes the "worst" things are the seeds of the "best" things in life.

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posted July 16, 2014 06:59 AM            

PS When we are all bonded, the few bad apples that want to stir up trouble can't do it
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posted July 16, 2014 02:52 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by BellaFenice:

Teasel did have a thread but T got it locked. I'm actually impressed she got 6 threads locked in less than a week*

*No shade T, I like you and the fact you always keep it real.

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No worries Bella. I know no shade was being thrown my way from you. I like you a lot too btw.

Don't be impressed at all the threads that get locked because of the opportunity they present with me being the last poster in them. Even people that aren't really paying attention will notice the trend there.

The 'powers that be' think that they can lock a consecutive amount of threads and hope people will only notice the fact that my name is sometimes associated at the end of them. They are hoping people don't actually read those threads and only pay attention to the fact that they are locked and then think I must be a sh*t stirrer.

Unfortunately most members are smarter and more perceptive than that and it only ends up making them look like the 'bad' guys - or 'unreasonable' guys and girls in my mind. The whole thing is good for a giggle anyway isn't it? I think it's also a great peek into the mind frame of certain people here too.

All i can say is: Thank you!

I have some thoughts regarding the OP........might to be back in a bit to respond to them.

Yes, it is nice to see this community come together lovingly again.

EDIT

posted July 16, 2014 03:57 PM            

I know you mean that sincerely and that is very lovely, T.

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posted July 16, 2014 04:10 PM            

There have been too many to count... the worst one though..........mmm....

I've learned that it is so horrid and extreme that it's best not to bring it up to anyone or go into detail about it ever again. They don't know how to handle it or what to say. It's something I have to deal with on my own and always will & will never fully recover from. I won't depress people here with it and don't want anyone's kind words or pity.

The best time might be a few years ago when I decided to pack my life up and move and didn't have a care in the world. Money wasn't an issue or problem and the world was my oyster. I was excited about starting a brand new life on my own. Driving down the freeway in my truck, singing at the top of my lungs, hoping the U-haul trailer i was towing behind me didn't catch a strong gust of wind and flip us over and kill me......wait.... be quiet Virgo Moon, everything will be just fine. No one was asking you.

posted July 16, 2014 04:26 PM            

Thanks to everyone for keeping it positive, despite the deepness and sadness we've shared. This to me shows who we really all are, shows the amazing character we all have.

posted July 16, 2014 05:56 PM            

Shortly before I turned 5 I was taken away from my granny who was raising me by my mom. She and her alcoholic husband weren't fit to raise a child or even interested (I'd been taken just to spite Granny who'd pretty much raised me since I was a baby) so it was a rude shock for me. One day (may have still been 4, not sure) I went to the 'rents sleeping it off at like 10 AM to wake them up to feed me which just annoyed them until Dad finally knocked me across the room.

So one day (definitely 5 by now) I get up, 'rents are sleeping it off, I go play outside and do other things, it gets to be about 10 AM again and they're still asleep, but I don't dare wake them. Losing patience I move a chair up to reach the cereal cabinet, still can't reach it, get a wooden spoon that does let me open it but I can't get anything, go get a spatula and combined with the wooden spoon I was able to pry out a box of Cheerios which I caught in my arms. The rest was easy after that and as I ate an incredible feeling of accomplishment coursed through me and this really gave me the drive to be independent. No matter how chaotic the world of adults and other forces beyond my control were, I could still take care of myself (as long as I was allowed to).

I believe that's one of the reasons why I didn't get interested in being saved by a white knight as I needed to save myself, I was the only one who could do it. Friendship and alliances were one thing, dependence quite another. I became fascinated with girls (boys, too) who stood up for themselves in stories like Dorrie the Little Witch and Pippi Longstocking rather than the women looking for someone to take care of them which is what I believe got me into scifi/fantasy, because it was very similar ('course Dorrie and Pippi are like fantasy for little kids), that is to say the female characters weren't anything like what you'd find in Sweet Valley High (even the underage girls in many Isaac Asimov stories were strong go-getters) and it validated me standing on my own (not to be mistaken for having no use for others, I certainly loved others and took enjoyment in the company of many and we helped each other).

I don't mean to say it had to be a girl as I liked the boys, too (such as reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn), just that it seemed to me girls were encouraged to find a man to orbit who would save them whereas in scifi and the like they had their own lives who stood next to boys rather than orbiting them, and I believe that's why I'm different from many females. And I also believe that contributed to me not being hypersensitive because I depended on me anyway rather than finding someone to care enough to save and take care of me (whereas if I needed someone else to take care of me then I'd have cared a lot more about how I was perceived, constantly looking for signs of disapproval so that I wasn't able to hear what was actually being said).

And that attitude got me through a lot of hard times in my life. I don't think I'd have survived without it, and if I did then I doubt I'd have a life worth living (given my circumstances). That warm feeling I had when I ate that bowl of Cheerios I made by myself never left me, and I never asked the 'rents to make me breakfast again.

posted July 16, 2014 06:08 PM            

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posted July 16, 2014 06:14 PM            

I am going to talk about more of how I shut down and how hard it is to open up.

I shut down at 14 in an instant. I had kept myself pretty normal until then. I would repeat in my head, 'My mother is crazy but I am not. I am normal"

I would repeat and I believed it. It was my sanity and it was my rock.

I thought my father knew the crazy rules like I did, which were to act as if she wasn't crazy but to KNOW she was.

I would look at him and think he knew she was crazy, too.

I prided myself on being a normal kid. I was a pretty confident kid, too.

I had my mind set up with this quarantine that she was crazy and I was normal and so I kind of went on and was OK.

However, to put all this pain someplace, I developed a phobia.

It was a phobia of throwing up. I was totally afraid of this and it kept growing bigger in that I got more and more afraid of it happening in places, so it kind of expanded.

I would have really bad panic attacks with it. I would sit at my desk in junior high and shake.

I was afraid to tell anyone because I was afraid they would think I was crazy

I will be back

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posted July 16, 2014 07:20 PM            

I don't really want to go into too many details in order to protect my anonymity, but anyway;

Worst moment:

The moment I realized the human capacity for evil. How, when someone is broken enough, they can loose all inhibitions and sense of right and wrong to reach out and break other people the way they themselves have been broken. Misery loves company. Tragedy struck, and I saw an adult I had always looked up to and respected, an authority and grandfather-figure reduced to tears and I realized - he had not understood the level of human depravity either. The randomness of fate. How unfair life can be. This tragedy made me hate like I have never known hate before. But more than anything, it shattered so many beliefs I held about life, about people, about goodness. I raged at the injustice and I cried like a baby when I couldn't understand how it could happen.

posted July 17, 2014 07:23 AM            

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posted July 17, 2014 12:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I am gonna make one of my famous asteroid picks. I think you have the most lovely asteroid prominent, Barbie. It is the asteroid ceres, the asteroid of unconditional love.

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26 cap (IC is 21), trine Jupiter.