posted July 08, 2015 05:46 PM            

My sister was the pretty face who had guys swooning. I saw her get treated well, all because of that.

A few weeks ago, I found out that I weighed about 20-30lbs more than I expected. With this stomach condition, I thought I would have lost weight (to a dangerous degree), but I haven't lost any weight. But it didn't make me unhappy. The following day, I actually felt really happy, because I was up with the sun, and I'd received good news about my aunt and my dog. Even though I'm a little overweight, I still have my figure. I even had a man make a rude gesture at me about a month ago, like he wanted to do something. Some people never grow up. But it didn't send me running to hide, I just looked at him like he hadn't done anything.

My hair used to look good. It was long and shiny - I used flax oil three times a week, to ease tangles (added it to a milkshake). But I had to stop doing that, and with the stomach condition, it was in really awful shape for too long. I might be getting it back to a healthier state now, but it tangles so easily - I still pull little tight knots out of otherwise smooth and tangle-free hair.

posted July 08, 2015 05:56 PM            

I never knew you were dealing with all that. I am so sorry.

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.

posted July 08, 2015 06:35 PM            

Horrible....I don't know where to begin, because I don't know what you want to delete.

But...hug!

And yes, I think a lot of us cover up and in way or another, just run for the hills when puberty hits. --edit-- Well as I've said, I cut my hair and disguised my body, in self-defense. Though in a way, that's pointless, because there are people who will still try to reach you when you're in that "keep away" state, and sometimes those who cross that boundary of unattractiveness are the most dangerous of all. But that's another topic for another day...

As for some of the other things you've said...I've also been victimized by my sister (her lying), and had my family turn against me because of her. It's really, really hard if your own family won't support you! The worst.

posted July 08, 2015 06:44 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
That, I suspect, being one reason why I became so overweight in the first place. (Not that I was super-pretty, but I felt I was attracting too much unwanted attention that I couldnīt quite handle. Maybe a byproduct of the Venus-Pluto-square in my natal plus the Mars-Neptune on ASC, possibly making it a challenge to set healthy boundaries)

---

It makes sense, how that could happen.

posted July 08, 2015 07:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
Faith

Thanks for sharing your experience.

---

Thanks for reading and appreciating what I said.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
Distorted mental images of ourselves are an illusion, the problem arises when you believe these mental illusions and they become engraved in your mind. Knocking into those concrete foundations are the most difficult parts. Once you start breaking through, you're on your way to acceptance and tearing down those distortions.

---

^^ Very true

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
There's no reason for you to feel intimidated either. I'm pretty down to earth and laid back.

---

That makes you more intimidating.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
Glad that you are more accepting of yourself and grown to love your hair. Errr, now you made me curious and I want to see it lol!

---

posted July 08, 2015 08:53 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
PJ

There is truth in what your mom told you: Yes, they are competive, eating disorders are rife.. And drugs.. Especially at the after party launches.. And drinking..you can easily get swallowed into that dark world.

I was a teen when I started. It was clothing for teens and actually fun also considering that I came from an abusive backround which added to the self esteem issues. So that was another form of escape.

It's when modeling became more serious as a profession when I saw the sinster side. Fortunately I was taken under the wing of a male model who has been in this industry for two decades. He knows the ins and outs and was a mentor to me in that sense. He introduced me to good people (yes, there are still good people within this industry). Like a coin, there are two sides. Your experience will depends on your agency, your crew, makeup artists and fellow models (not all of them are nice and it's how you deal with them).

Your mom's experience sounds terrible. Was she affected by it in the long term?

---

Mom is a Scorpio so about everything affects her in the long term, and her Leo ASC and Mars can make her equally vain and melodramatic about it. *Said candidly with a mix of sympathy for her combined with a dash of wry amusement.*

Mom had endured far worse before she became a model, and I doubt she'd have been a model had she not endured even worse before. Mom learned early that there's a lot of fakeness in the world, and that a lot of the seeming good is a scam, hypocrisy and double standards rule the world, and at times in her childhood she knew the degradation of the helpless at the hands of the both self-righteous yet vile, which was especially wounding to her Leo and which her Scorpio sun never let her forgive or forget (and unfortunately the good doesn't impress itself on her memory anywhere as much as the bad, and I think that's because she thinks all that is good is "fake" and just trying to trick her into letting her guard down).

Though she's shared some of her growing up stories with me that could be very darkly humorous...I think the one that cracked me up the most was when 2 different men after church came to try to have sex with her mom (as they called her a **** and then tried to be sure she'd have no choice but to be one so that she and her kids could get by, one reason Granny--her mom--panicked so hard when the town started **** rumors about me when I was 13 as she feared what they'd do to me) and she overheard the two men bickering (her window was open in the Texas heat in a home with no AC) over which one was more deserving of going first which included what they did for their respective churches until Mom--then about 13 I think--roared out in Leonine outrage and Scorpio contempt, "Are you two arguing which of you is more right with God to **** my mom behind your wife's back!?" Both men instantly took off running trying to hide their faces.

Also unfortunate is that Mom learned that "beauty is power" and ever seeking that power she chose to maximize her own beauty to an insane degree (at this point I'm recalling what Granny said about Mom growing up, heck, Mom even took to smoking Virginia Slims because all the models in the magazines she liked to look at seemed to smoke them so she had to smoke them as well even when she was 15, and no other cigarette would do). Of course her Leo ASC and also Mars probably exacerbated this path she'd chosen for herself in life.

And it worked, and her Scorpio and Leo attributes also made it so she could use it as a weapon rather than endure it as a liability. Yet in her own subtle way her "prayer" (though she hated religion with a passion, the ultimate in lies, hypocrisy, and shallowness to her filled with people pretending to be very different 2 hours a week from the vile scumbags they were the rest of the time) would be "I shall fear no evil for I'm the meanest ***** in the valley." Some of the things she did make me feel surprised she wasn't murdered (though Dad made a serious sober attempt at least once in addition to at least one drunken attempt).

posted July 08, 2015 08:54 PM            

Anyway, it's such a brutal world that I thought it deserved a warning for any who thought to build their self-esteem by attempting to take up modeling in which actually becoming a model could be far more damaging to one's self-esteem than being rejected outright. Not everyone can have a mentor who truly cares.

And that's even before looking into how the beauty industry try to make regular females feel insecure so they buy their products in the first place with modeling agencies one of their biggest weapons against the self-esteem of countless females, so even when modeling manages to increase self-esteem rather than destroy it further the irony is strong.

posted July 08, 2015 10:06 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
Gosh, sorry..that's quite traumatic..
It actually make me admire you. Why? On here, from what you show us (through your posts) you seem to be very collected in an emotional sense.I would never have guessed you went through all that.
When it comes to sexual assult, it can ruin you in soooooo many ways. You tend to blame yourself at some point instead so I resonate with your experience.

How do you feel about yourself now? This present day?

---

First, a bit of a correction...I was more assaulted with sexual overtones that was an attempted sexual assault but I defended myself...yet what was done to me after was worse and I was treated as the criminal and he as the victim. (That said...I have experienced the full brutality of sexual violence when I was 16, but it's not something I like to detail just for the sake of sharing.)

I think some very early experiences helped me not to blame myself as much as I might, such as being raised by Granny for nearly 5 years before Mom and Dad got me (just to hurt Granny rather than out of any love for me). I came to see them as forces who abducted me and associated about the entire adult world with them as callous people to avoid at the best of times and hide from at the worst, so that I didn't trust them to begin with and thus what they did to me was in accordance to their nature rather than what I did.

However, I could blame myself. After a cow was killed to teach me cows were livestock instead of pets the lesson I got was that who and what I love will die which really messed with me well into my adult years...and made the death of my best friend at 15 the harder to handle since I did feel survivor's guilt and at some irrational level wondering if I'd somehow killed her by loving her.

It's hard when you come from a truly dysfunctional background because it sets a pattern by making it so you're most likely to hang around others with dysfunctional lives who validate each others' distrust of adults and authority (which was learned for good reason, but what that means is that when seeking help might actually do some good we won't because the very idea seems absurdly naive to us, and meanwhile the other kids who aren't so jaded typically won't have much to do with us, or us with them, as we can't relate and our respective parents on both sides discourage any such interaction as well) so I gravitated to other kids with similar experiences and attitudes.

Though it's understandable that we came to see the world the way we did (and it's not entirely wrong) it also blinded us to potential help and we were hostile to adults who sincerely tried as we didn't trust them (and they often couldn't understand us because their lives had been far more sheltered growing up and thus just assumed incorrect things about us just as we did about them). Of course being locked up in teen gulags of various kinds and/or running to the streets (and one typically led to the other happening) compounded the horrid experiences for us which just jaded us even more while at the same time strengthening self-fulfilling prophecies (note, it really can be disastrous to trust the wrong person trying to help, including the wrong person who sincerely wants to help but really is absurdly naive about how the system and real life works or who thinks all we need is prayer or good vibes).

But like you I found mentors (through sheer luck, and more accurate to say one found me, identified my background correctly having had been there himself and worked with many abused kids, and then got me help, though the kind outside the system) just before I turned 17 who helped me turn my life around, and as I ran into them after escaping severe sexual abuse it no doubt helped me to recover from that as well. They'd come from similar backgrounds who'd worked through it themselves and thus were actually capable of helping me...even though they broke the law by doing so since I was a runaway and they were thus contributing to my delinquency by knowingly hiding me from my family and the law (which they also did not trust). That's not to say they didn't have their own imperfections--everyone does--but they did manage to do more good than harm for a change and that gave me the tools to begin sorting out my own life and overcoming the emotional scars I had.

And it's been something of a lifelong process, though by now I think I'm on the right path, still with my flaws but with a clearer head than ever and I've drawn strength by knowing I survived (I'm reminded of a saying about how religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell while spirituality is for people who have already been there). I've managed to help some people and turn some lives around (both in my personal life as well as a volunteer) and that is good for me as well as it allows me to transform the pain into further strength (without making the mistake of projecting my own issues into others so I can work it out through them). Still, I did need some help and I got it and now I'm better.

And yet what is most difficult for many to understand is that our lives didn't seem that extreme to us. Growing up it was all normal for me and most of those I was friends with, and when you accept it as normal then it's not so dramatic. And while it wasn't pleasant neither are the many other realities of life like paying bills, backstabbing friends, cheating lovers, obnoxious bosses and institutions, storm damage to homes, and the like (that is, it's just life). And no matter how bad someone has it, others will have it worse, and with some of the runaways and the like I knew I felt my life was actually better than most back then because it wasn't THAT bad compared to them! (Interesting enough I knew 2 runaways who both horrified me with the epic sexual abuse they endured but both mostly shrugged it off as life and yet they were horrified by what the other endured! Of course other people are like "I suffered so much and now the entire world owes me" which I have no patience for, whether it comes from a victim of true suffering or people who make mountains out of molehills.)

posted July 10, 2015 03:30 AM            

He reminded himself of the odd differences and outright flaws his friends have but he still liked or loved them, so why not himself? So he started to give himself permission to do the things he wanted but was ashamed of, such as watching cartoons and his artistic hobbies (despite that he doesn't consider himself that good--OTOH, I've noticed many of the better artists are never satisfied with their work) which at first he did by himself but treated himself as he would a friend which included acceptance and joining other friends...so that he started to express these parts of himself with others once he got more comfortable with it.

As he stopped cringing and acting like he held a secret, and started sharing his enjoyment for what he liked, he found others who mattered (not to be confused with "everyone" since being liked by everyone is impossible) could accept it as well and that his enjoyment was actually easy to spread to others. And people in general also liked the more positive attitude and self-acceptance that came from him as well (as opposed to the guy who cringed and hid himself while trying not to show that was what he was doing). That is the more he came to like himself the more likeable others found him as well.

posted July 12, 2015 02:26 PM            

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.

posted July 13, 2015 02:53 AM            

Read your posts and will respond to them when I'm in a more lucid state of mind (on the brink of sleepy atm).

posted July 14, 2015 08:14 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Charmaine:
Three months ago, I officially "retired" from the modeling scene to start my own projects and business. Im young and have my entire life ahead to dedicate my energies to worthy courses.

Beauty is within. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

---

I've been looking at a few models tell their story, both the good and the bad, to try to get a more nuanced view of the industry since my mom was the only model I knew in my life (I have the feeling I knew another model somewhere that I'm not recalling but that could be someone else I met on the internet besides you or me mixing up some goths who looked outstanding and sent their pix in to Gothic Beauty magazine which isn't the same thing even when published as happened to at least one of them) and most of the news articles (or social awareness) I read focused on the more sordid sides I thought I should look for something more normal...after all, I'm sure a great many would quickly flee if they jumped into such a nest of vipers.

In case anyone is curious I found this which is under 10 minutes that looks like it fits the bill with both the surface appeal and the average risks in an agency that doesn't seem cruel, even if they have to be harsh at times (though for some strange reason they refer to these agents as "scouts" but maybe the word changes depending on where you're at, or maybe the word has morphed since my mother's time, or perhaps because they sound more proactive in finding clients than many others I've heard of):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHh2cpLGzIA

Though that just focuses on the recruiting process...and perhaps that's why it seemed more tame.

And while looking through these vids I found this inspiring woman explaining why she's not a model anymore and she reminded me of a lot of what you've said in this thread (in that she's done it but now wants to do something more in tune with her own values and promoting something other than looks, especially when it singles out a certain look and arbitrarily locks others out):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJOqniEoCQs

A bit rambling but that just includes more of what she's thinking. And tip: skip to 2:15 to get past her talking to her YT and twitter audience (not that it's completely without substance for everyone else but I think she repeats everything she does say later on).

posted July 14, 2015 10:35 PM            

If you want great hair, juice aloes!

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.

posted July 23, 2015 04:37 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
That, I suspect, being one reason why I became so overweight in the first place. (Not that I was super-pretty, but I felt I was attracting too much unwanted attention that I couldnīt quite handle. Maybe a byproduct of the Venus-Pluto-square in my natal plus the Mars-Neptune on ASC, possibly making it a challenge to set healthy boundaries)

Hi, Ceri

Thank you, Charmaine, for that topic and the beautiful post.

Iīve had to get really old to really approach this point in my life. But despite the flaws that are still there, I am more content within my body that I have ever been before. Of course there is room for improvement.
But basically it feels like this is the first phase in my life (maybe after early childhood), that i really feel like my body is a part of me, and not just a container to keep my soul and mind from taking off into some loftier dimensions. lol

Interestingly, the moment I felt like I got really anchored in my body, the bouts of dizziness that had plagued me for many years, pretty much disappeared over night (except for very rare occasions).

Well I suppose that is not part of that topic here.

---

You've taken the steps you needed to and you should be proud of the progress you've made!
What do you think caused the dizziness? Maybe you should have it checked out.

You're a beautiful woman, Ceri and you have a lovely soul. Oh yes! And a gorgeous mane of hair! Lol had to add that because whenever I see it I think :most Saggie woman in general have this lovely mane (no offense to the other signs!) It's just a personal observation

It takes a lot of discipline to break old patterns and lead a healthier lifestyle so I commend you for that.

posted July 23, 2015 05:19 AM              

I've only read the OP fully, and scanned through the responses. The responses were overwhelmingly positive and supportive.

posted July 23, 2015 05:20 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PixieJane:
First, a bit of a correction...I was more assaulted with sexual overtones that was an attempted sexual assault but I defended myself...yet what was done to me after was worse and I was treated as the criminal and he as the victim. (That said...I have experienced the full brutality of sexual violence when I was 16, but it's not something I like to detail just for the sake of sharing.)

I think some very early experiences helped me not to blame myself as much as I might, such as being raised by Granny for nearly 5 years before Mom and Dad got me (just to hurt Granny rather than out of any love for me). I came to see them as forces who abducted me and associated about the entire adult world with them as callous people to avoid at the best of times and hide from at the worst, so that I didn't trust them to begin with and thus what they did to me was in accordance to their nature rather than what I did.

However, I could blame myself. After a cow was killed to teach me cows were livestock instead of pets the lesson I got was that who and what I love will die which really messed with me well into my adult years...and made the death of my best friend at 15 the harder to handle since I did feel survivor's guilt and at some irrational level wondering if I'd somehow killed her by loving her.

It's hard when you come from a truly dysfunctional background because it sets a pattern by making it so you're most likely to hang around others with dysfunctional lives who validate each others' distrust of adults and authority (which was learned for good reason, but what that means is that when seeking help might actually do some good we won't because the very idea seems absurdly naive to us, and meanwhile the other kids who aren't so jaded typically won't have much to do with us, or us with them, as we can't relate and our respective parents on both sides discourage any such interaction as well) so I gravitated to other kids with similar experiences and attitudes.

Though it's understandable that we came to see the world the way we did (and it's not entirely wrong) it also blinded us to potential help and we were hostile to adults who sincerely tried as we didn't trust them (and they often couldn't understand us because their lives had been far more sheltered growing up and thus just assumed incorrect things about us just as we did about them). Of course being locked up in teen gulags of various kinds and/or running to the streets (and one typically led to the other happening) compounded the horrid experiences for us which just jaded us even more while at the same time strengthening self-fulfilling prophecies (note, it really can be disastrous to trust the wrong person trying to help, including the wrong person who sincerely wants to help but really is absurdly naive about how the system and real life works or who thinks all we need is prayer or good vibes).

But like you I found mentors (through sheer luck, and more accurate to say one found me, identified my background correctly having had been there himself and worked with many abused kids, and then got me help, though the kind outside the system) just before I turned 17 who helped me turn my life around, and as I ran into them after escaping severe sexual abuse it no doubt helped me to recover from that as well. They'd come from similar backgrounds who'd worked through it themselves and thus were actually capable of helping me...even though they broke the law by doing so since I was a runaway and they were thus contributing to my delinquency by knowingly hiding me from my family and the law (which they also did not trust). That's not to say they didn't have their own imperfections--everyone does--but they did manage to do more good than harm for a change and that gave me the tools to begin sorting out my own life and overcoming the emotional scars I had.

And it's been something of a lifelong process, though by now I think I'm on the right path, still with my flaws but with a clearer head than ever and I've drawn strength by knowing I survived (I'm reminded of a saying about how religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell while spirituality is for people who have already been there). I've managed to help some people and turn some lives around (both in my personal life as well as a volunteer) and that is good for me as well as it allows me to transform the pain into further strength (without making the mistake of projecting my own issues into others so I can work it out through them). Still, I did need some help and I got it and now I'm better.

And yet what is most difficult for many to understand is that our lives didn't seem that extreme to us. Growing up it was all normal for me and most of those I was friends with, and when you accept it as normal then it's not so dramatic. And while it wasn't pleasant neither are the many other realities of life like paying bills, backstabbing friends, cheating lovers, obnoxious bosses and institutions, storm damage to homes, and the like (that is, it's just life). And no matter how bad someone has it, others will have it worse, and with some of the runaways and the like I knew I felt my life was actually better than most back then because it wasn't THAT bad compared to them! (Interesting enough I knew 2 runaways who both horrified me with the epic sexual abuse they endured but both mostly shrugged it off as life and yet they were horrified by what the other endured! Of course other people are like "I suffered so much and now the entire world owes me" which I have no patience for, whether it comes from a victim of true suffering or people who make mountains out of molehills.)

Today I sympathize with many of the homeless and with homeless kids today, but I also sympathize with people who work jobs they hate and with kids who have always had a home with iphones that are cyberbullied and made insecure by a society for a variety of reasons ranging from well meaning but misguided to outright attempting to exploit on their suffering for various types of gain. They all feel the pain of life even if some get a more raw dose of it than others, but it all feels the same regardless. They way I see it we all get a hand of cards to play the game of life with, some having better cards than others, but that comes down to luck and then the ability to play the game...and no matter how good your hand you can lose badly and a terrible hand can still end up winning if you play them right.

---

PJ

There is so much in this particular post which resonates with me on deepy personal level

It's hard not to choke up reading this.
Your descriptions of how one perceives the world after such trauma is spot on.

Sorry..kind of lost for words..it's the very first time ever to encounter someone on LL who has such an uncanny..our pasts are strikingly similiar and instead of replying I just want to give you a BIG TIGHT HUG
and thank the Universe for sending you the help (mentor/s) you needed at the time.
You understand the hardships and pain..and utilizing that to turn it into a positive as you mentioned volunteering Yes, it is healing/theraputic as well as helping another who needs someone to lend an ear or helping hand.

It could have gone either way for people like us. You survived and utilized your experiences in a posive way.

posted July 23, 2015 05:22 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I realize from taking guitar and mainly voice lessons that I am scared to death of my sexuality. You know my experience with my mother.

---

Hi, Ami

posted July 23, 2015 05:25 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
This is a brilliant topic. Maybe it will help others.

---

Yes.
We tend to make assupmtions about others from their posts, especially if they're generally upbeat not realizing we all have fears, hidden scars behind those smiles.

posted July 23, 2015 05:27 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
Excellent thread Charmaine!

---

Lexxi
The personification of survivor.

posted July 23, 2015 05:31 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by aquaguy91:
A few months ago I started to notice that my hair is thinning out alot and getting darker. This depresses the hell out of me because my hair was one of my best physical features. I used to have thick pretty dirty blonde hair. Now? I have thin plain brown hair. And yes this has affected my confidence.

---

Eish, Ag

This can be a sensitive topic for guys.
Unfortunately I can't give you advice on your hair since I'm not a professional
Have you research or sorted advice or options to help improve your thinning hair?

posted July 23, 2015 05:36 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by the7thsphere:
I agree with Randall, this is a good topic. I especially like the little pictorial quote you posted, about not comparing yourself to others. I've been promoting that idea for years, myself.

I've only read the OP fully, and scanned through the responses. The responses were overwhelmingly positive and supportive.

What's interesting, Charmaine, is that I touched on many of the very same concepts you wrote about in a thread I posted 24 hours ago, and the very same people who are praising you for your inhsight here villified me for even mentioning them. It's very revealing of certain people's biases, wouldn't you say?

---

7thsphere, I'm merely just catching up with posts here now and not aware of what happened in other threads.
Whatever happened there should not spill into this thread. Thank you.

You are welcome to share your experiences with the topic at hand if you like.

posted July 23, 2015 06:00 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PixieJane:
Btw, I thought I'd add (in my own words) what someone explained to others how he overcame his insecurity about being odd. Realizing that he was stuck with himself and that either hiding himself in shame or pretending to be someone he wasn't was just going to result in misery and depression he resolved to make friends with himself.

He reminded himself of the odd differences and outright flaws his friends have but he still liked or loved them, so why not himself? So he started to give himself permission to do the things he wanted but was ashamed of, such as watching cartoons and his artistic hobbies (despite that he doesn't consider himself that good--OTOH, I've noticed many of the better artists are never satisfied with their work) which at first he did by himself but treated himself as he would a friend which included acceptance and joining other friends...so that he started to express these parts of himself with others once he got more comfortable with it.

As he stopped cringing and acting like he held a secret, and started sharing his enjoyment for what he liked, he found others who mattered (not to be confused with "everyone" since being liked by everyone is impossible) could accept it as well and that his enjoyment was actually easy to spread to others. And people in general also liked the more positive attitude and self-acceptance that came from him as well (as opposed to the guy who cringed and hid himself while trying not to show that was what he was doing). That is the more he came to like himself the more likeable others found him as well.

It wasn't an overnight process but it happened and he'd like others who were at a place where he once was to learn to accept themselves as well, and in the process find acceptance from others.

---

Glad for your friend. It's sooooooo much easier being yourself than trying to impress people by repressing bits of yourself for the sake of acceptance.