posted July 07, 2015 03:31 AM            

It's such a shame since they all physically looked pretty. They were praising female celebs and how "gorgeous" this one's eyes are or how perfectly shaped that's one's nose was and how they wished they had noney to change certain features of their own..

I couldn't stand it, went up to them, smiled and said, "ladies, you're all beautiful".
They were stunned but smiled. One blushed: this was the one who made a comment about her never getting a BF because she has "chicken legs" and a freckles. This was a reminder of our mentality at times: looking good to be accepted by others.

It took me back down memory lane..
Low, low self esteem and constant nit picking at my physical self.. And of course while growing up you have to deal with the "mean girls" who help point out these physical "flaws". So being super skinny and pale at the time and hearing comments like "she looks like a surf board" or " she's so pale she must be sick *eww face* adds to your own insecurities and make you believe that what you think of yourself is true.

Sadly, this does not only apply to certain age brackets. There are woman who suffer from this all their lives.

When you lack self esteem (well, this is how it was for me at least) compliments worked in two ways. If someone complimented me, there were times I would think that they are just being polite and brush it off or feed off it. By feeding off it, I mean it was an Ego booster. You feel good for that moment but the pleasure you get from it is because SOMEONE ELSE thinks you're attractive even though you don't believe it yourself.

A good friend of my mum suggested modeling. She thought it would help with the esteem issues. Reluctantly, I gave it a try and yes, I enjoyed it. You could be someone else.. A different character (ya for the Pisces Rising!) They show you how you can enhance particular features. It felt as if my confidence was boosting but when you're bare faced without the make up and clothes, the reality sets in..

To make a long story short: it took a long time to aknowledge that the problem was within.. To understand that confidence means feeling COMFORTABLE with yourself and you will know you've reached your destination when you stop comparing yourself to others.

There is no quick fix. Happiness does begin with you.

Later. My body changed. It went from beanstalk to curvy and I didn't notice until I wanted to wear a particular item and saw my shape was different. Heck, I even got breasts! Lol! To me, all that was just a bonus because whether I remained the skinny chick or not it would not matter because I was mentally and emotionally content in my own skin.

Three months ago, I officially "retired" from the modeling scene to start my own projects and business. Im young and have my entire life ahead to dedicate my energies to worthy courses.

posted July 07, 2015 07:18 AM            

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posted July 07, 2015 11:06 AM            

Your story is beautiful. I'm glad you shared it with us. I've been a bit intimidated by you ever since I learned you are a model. It's strange to think that someone who had the potential to be a model couldn't even see her beauty at first. Yes that is quite a lesson for all of us.

posted July 07, 2015 11:36 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Charmaine:

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Exactly!

Comparing our 'insides' to others 'outsides.'

And things are NEVER as they appear.

posted July 07, 2015 11:46 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Charmaine:
Sadly, this does not only apply to certain age brackets. There are woman who suffer from this all their life.

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Yes, and I recall that while waiting for a ride outside a pizza place that many cars drove up and many women roughly my age or older glared at me while the men didn't which just confused me. So I asked the kids with me about it and the teenager new to high school said it was because they were overweight here to pick up a pizza while we waited for a ride to pick us up while holding a pizza and I was eating a candy bar! (They probably thought I was the biological mother and that the candy bar was sweet and that I gorged on pizza and candy bars all the time, all of which would be wrong.) I told her maybe I should go back to high school and get a refresher on that trait. (Actually she's helped me with more than one adult who was still trapped in a high school way of being.)

Just for fun I'll share High School Never Ends (set to Kim Possible because it's my favorite and I like it better than even the actual video...you can find it set to a great many shows, however).

quote:

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Originally posted by Charmaine:
A good friend of my mum suggested modelling. She thought it would help with the esteem issues. Reluctantly, I gave it a try and yes, I enjoyed it. You could be someone else.. A different character (ya for the Pisces Rising!) They show you how you can enhance particular features. It felt as if my confidence was boosting but when you're bare face without the make up and clothes, the reality sets in.

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Your experience must've been different from my mom's. She described the most horrid (and extremely unethical) behavior between extremely competitive models and those who hired them that was also filled with insults (and not just over physical qualities, but also mental ones, though typically this was to berate models who couldn't give the exact look that a photographer was looking for, if she wasn't pulling the look off just right according to the sometimes vague words then the model was berated as stupid and worse, and models were also expected to be worldly enough to be able to endure the nasty treatment and vicious competition which means if they were tricked into not showing up, for example, it was her own fault for being so stupid in trusting the model who told her the schedule had been changed). Drugs and anorexia were common as well (and I've heard of worst from other sources, like about models who ate cotton balls to make themselves feel full).

Even the strictly professional aspects sounded terrible to me. Like sitting still for hours as her look was readjusted several times to get the "perfect look" they were going for. This included a professional crew constantly retouching her as photographs were made (and then after all this work a single dab would be applied of whatever makeup they were advertising and then the ad would say you could also be that beautiful if you bought the product without mentioning the professional crews at work or how Mom was barely able to move for like 2 hours). Oh yeah, sweat could be a problem as this was Houston, and entering or exiting the heavily air conditioned building during the summer could be a shock.

I've always wanted to show Mom this vid to get her thoughts on it as it reminded me of her own stories as a model:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo

(Btw, back when I still got ads for watching YT vids this one was started by a fashion advertisement, I couldn't help but love the irony! )

posted July 07, 2015 11:52 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Charmaine:

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posted July 07, 2015 12:12 PM            

Though it wasn't just that I was raised on different media, it was, I think, the experiences. This included a traumatic incident shortly after I turned 13 (and had been locked up somewhere because I kicked a boy who wouldn't stop goosing me and essentially told his goosing me was okay, my kicking him was not) when a high school boy very crudely groped me and terrified me with his physically bullying tactics (though as far as I could tell he was bored and showing off to his high school friends). I ran to where the boys couldn't follow but then his high school girlfriend and her friends grabbed me to beat and kick me bloody and then terrorized long after as they blamed me for his doing that to me and also wanted to make me "not be so pretty" which is why I was so brutally beaten. (This abuse would continue until I got locked up elsewhere after an adult sexually assaulted me.) So wanting to look pretty was not my thing, perhaps had I been trapped in that place for years I'd have mutilated myself to escape the violence.

posted July 07, 2015 02:01 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Charmaine:

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posted July 07, 2015 03:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
So wanting to look pretty was not my thing, perhaps had I been trapped in that place for years I'd have mutilated myself to escape the violence.

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It can be dangerous, being pretty.

posted July 07, 2015 03:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Catalina:
I do try to eat healthy (despite chocolate and coffee)

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posted July 08, 2015 02:33 AM            

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Love the part where you anoint yourself with the oils.It's like saying a positive affirmation yet a physical and symbolic display of self love. That's beautiful.

Distorted mental images of ourselves are an illusion, the problem arises when you believe these mental illusions and they become engraved in your mind. Knocking into those concrete foundations are the most difficult parts. Once you start breaking through, you're on your way to acceptance and tearing down those distortions.

Gotta work with what we've got and love ourselves no matter what. That's step one to loving others which, I think, is the most important task of being a person.

True! ^

There's no reason for you to feel intimidated either. I'm pretty down to earth and laid back. You know how I really feel about the beauty industry since we touched on it in another thread some time ago. It's also something which I kept as seperate as possible from my personal life.. Even on my FB account; no photo shoots pics etc just "normal" me because you want people to like you for YOU.

Glad that you are more accepting of yourself and grown to love your hair. Errr, now you made me curious and I want to see it lol!

posted July 08, 2015 03:03 AM            

There is truth in what your mom told you: Yes, they are competive, eating disorders are rife.. And drugs.. Especially at the after party launches.. And drinking..you can easily get swallowed into that dark world.

I was a teen when I started. It was clothing for teens and actually fun also considering that I came from an abusive backround which added to the self esteem issues. So that was another form of escape.

It's when modeling became more serious as a profession when I saw the sinster side. Fortunately I was taken under the wing of a male model who has been in this industry for two decades. He knows the ins and outs and was a mentor to me in that sense. He introduced me to good people (yes, there are still good people within this industry). Like a coin, there are two sides. Your experience will depends on your agency, your crew, makeup artists and fellow models (not all of them are nice and it's how you deal with them).

Your mom's experience sounds terrible. Was she affected by it in the long term?

posted July 08, 2015 03:21 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Body issues were a minor problem with me but not a major. I wasn't obsessed with it but then I wasn't obsessed with finding a guy to orbit either the way the vast majority of females of any age around me were (and assumed I must be myself and didn't believe my tomboy traits believing it was just a strategy to get guys). (I wonder how my "demi-sexual" tendencies may have contributed to my not caring so much as well.)

Though it wasn't just that I was raised on different media, it was, I think, the experiences. This included a traumatic incident shortly after I turned 13 (and had been locked up somewhere because I kicked a boy who wouldn't stop goosing me and essentially told his goosing me was okay, my kicking him was not) when a high school boy very crudely groped me and terrified me with his physically bullying tactics (though as far as I could tell he was bored and showing off to his high school friends). I ran to where the boys couldn't follow but then his high school girlfriend and her friends grabbed me to beat and kick me bloody and then terrorized long after as they blamed me for his doing that to me and also wanted to make me "not be so pretty" which is why I was so brutally beaten. (This abuse would continue until I got locked up elsewhere after an adult sexually assaulted me.) So wanting to look pretty was not my thing, perhaps had I been trapped in that place for years I'd have mutilated myself to escape the violence.

Of course the attention wasn't always that bad and enough showed interest in me (whether I welcomed it or not) that I didn't have to think I was ugly. Girls found other ways to attack me other than my appearance (which is unusual), with the notable exception of mocking my delayed puberty (though most of it was said behind my back so I don't really know). (Come to think of it, Mom was the one to criticize my looks the most, at least to my face.) And it's difficult to describe because it's not that I was confident in my appearance, but rather I didn't care all that much and realized good or poor looks were both a mixed blessing (and assumed myself somewhere in between).

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Gosh, sorry..that's quite traumatic..
It actually make me admire you. Why? On here, from what you show us (through your posts) you seem to be very collected in an emotional sense.I would never have guessed you went through all that.
When it comes to sexual assult, it can ruin you in soooooo many ways. You tend to blame yourself at some point instead so I resonate with your experience.

posted July 08, 2015 03:25 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Catalina:
Bullies in highschool called me Mack Truck. For y3ars I was somewhat overweight and hitting puberty early didn't help! I finally stopped caring what size I was and decided to like myself anyway..and the excess disappeared in no time flat. Since then it hasn't mattered what I eat, my weight stays at a certain set point for long periods, then changes for no discernible reason and settles again for awhile.

I seriously have little idea what size I am or what I look like. I primp up sometimes and others can be seen taking a walk in my pjs...but I do try to eat healthy (despite chocolate and coffee), listen to how my body feels, and generally treat it with love and respect. I wouldn't meet with a bank manager in baglady outfit, but really, whose business is it what I look like?

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posted July 08, 2015 03:27 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
Everyone has physical imperfections. And we usually notice them more than anyone else. What am I saying? We all have body image issues.

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posted July 08, 2015 03:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Eirlys:
Exactly!

Comparing our 'insides' to others 'outsides.'

And things are NEVER as they appear.

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posted July 08, 2015 03:30 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
It can be dangerous, being pretty.

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That, I suspect, being one reason why I became so overweight in the first place. (Not that I was super-pretty, but I felt I was attracting too much unwanted attention that I couldnīt quite handle. Maybe a byproduct of the Venus-Pluto-square in my natal plus the Mars-Neptune on ASC, possibly making it a challenge to set healthy boundaries)

Thank you, Charmaine, for that topic and the beautiful post.

Iīve had to get really old to really approach this point in my life. But despite the flaws that are still there, I am more content within my body that I have ever been before. Of course there is room for improvement.
But basically it feels like this is the first phase in my life (maybe after early childhood), that i really feel like my body is a part of me, and not just a container to keep my soul and mind from taking off into some loftier dimensions. lol

Interestingly, the moment I felt like I got really anchored in my body, the bouts of dizziness that had plagued me for many years, pretty much disappeared over night (except for very rare occasions).

Well I suppose that is not part of that topic here.

posted July 08, 2015 09:52 AM            

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posted July 08, 2015 04:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
This is a brilliant topic. Maybe it will help others.

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Yes!

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