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Author Topic:   Do happy marriages actually exist?
polkadotstars
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posted November 02, 2015 01:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for polkadotstars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm currently in this phase where I don't believe happy marriages exist. I am not yet married, I am only 30. But I have been close to being engaged twice. I have had a few long term relationships of 3+ years.

But after my recent relationship I ended a year ago, I have this gloomy outlook of what marriages are. I've seen friends get divorced, friends in marriages where they aren't happy, family members who are married who aren't happy, etc. Growing up I was my mom's venting soundboard when it came to how she was unhappy with my father. He cheated on my mom several times. My grandad was a womanizer. I've been cheated on in almost all relationships.

I just see so many people who are unhappy and I know that marriage is work. I know you have to keep up the romance and you can't slack off in a relationship or the other person will feel unappreciated.

Maybe I should go see a counselor and work out some of these issues. But is it possible to have a happy marriage after 20, 30, 40 years with the same person? I feel like it is 90% impossible.

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Soltze
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posted November 02, 2015 02:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Soltze     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think the answer depends on what you consider to be an happy marriage.
People can manage to respect each other and enjoy the company for decades if truly compatible.
Off course that in long marriages many things are put up with and trespasses forgiven. Although I believe no one should condone a cheating partner. That is the most disrespectful thing that can be done.
It is a matter of being more good than bad at the end of the day, I suppose.

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PixieJane
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posted November 02, 2015 04:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think they do, but rare in the long term. Though it's interesting to me how some can remain married while loathing each other (and I recall reading of one woman who said instead of grieving when her husband died, she felt free), I've also known those who got divorced and then became closer than they had been before (not to remarry).

A lot of times, people naturally grow and change (and that doesn't count all the faking, the false advertising, that the younger crowd seems more prone to) and that won't always be compatible. Once people reach their 30s, the changes are usually slower, but they still happen (and all it takes is one person to change what they want or how they are).

Economy has a huge effect on marriage, for better and worse, as it does everything else.

I wonder how many marriages could've been saved by separate beds? Plenty of spouses can't stand each other simply because they can't get enough restful sleep due to the sleeping habits and quirks of their partner, the body heat, etc. That's bound to make them snap and finally bolt. Plenty have said that sleeping in separate beds helped a lot (though I also know of spouses that sleep in different rooms and still don't love each other as well), and I can see why it would, though I did read of one husband who said if he couldn't spoon his wife then he'd spoon someone else. Sounds like he got his way, but I wonder how long before they were divorced?

As for you, polkadotstars, the stats don't look good for you: your own parents marriage and the friends getting divorced around you say that statistically you're likely to experience the same things for a variety of reasons. OTOH, holding off until you're older and wiser (and hopefully get rid of some silly expectations about yourself,a partner, and marriage, and also the belief that marriage proves you're a good person which could rush you into a marriage that you regret) could help you beat the odds. And hopefully astrology can help as well, assuming you use it more as a sextant rather than inevitable prophecy.

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Swift Freeze
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posted November 02, 2015 08:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Swift Freeze     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Why is it that people expect a marriage to make them happy?

*Mind explosion*

Happiness comes from within, not from without. It is unrealistic to expect someone else to provide you happiness, something unquantifiable and intangible.

If you want an answer to, "what makes you happy?" then ask a group of kids. I would imagine that not one of them would give either marriage as an answer.

There is so much more to say about this.

I'm sorry that your relationships haven't worked out, I hope you find something to cheer you up, even if only a little. I always read a Dr. Seuss book. Maybe give it a try? =)

------------------
Learn lots. Don't judge. Laugh for no reason. Be nice. Seek Happiness. Follow your dreams.

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Desiring Shadows
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posted November 03, 2015 09:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Desiring Shadows     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Swift Freeze:
Why is it that people expect a marriage to make them happy?

*Mind explosion*

Happiness comes from within, not from without. It is unrealistic to expect someone else to provide you happiness, something unquantifiable and intangible.

If you want an answer to, "what makes you happy?" then ask a group of kids. I would imagine that not one of them would give either marriage as an answer.

There is so much more to say about this.

I'm sorry that your relationships haven't worked out, I hope you find something to cheer you up, even if only a little. I always read a Dr. Seuss book. Maybe give it a try? =)



Awesome post!!

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Desiring Shadows
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posted November 03, 2015 09:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Desiring Shadows     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Don't seek a counselor.. That will only make you focus on your problems even worse.. Just whenever something bad comes up and your with your friends , talk about it... Don't pent it up... But try not to be too negative or else they may not want to be your friend anymore.. You want to get over the pain but you also want to keep things steady.. If they only tell you a few encouraging words repeat those in your head instead of constantly bringing it up... I mean THATS a little extreme even I don't do that.. People shouldn't be that valuable anyways.. Um. Where was I going with this? Lol!

Oh yeah! You don't need to get married yet. Or at all. I know people who are In Relationships for years with no intention of tying the knot. And you don't even have to be in a relationship.. I agree that love needs to come from within you can't have a one sided relationship it's not healthy

Just focus on yourself and forget your age. People are in their 90s getting married. For real. Just BE HAPPY.

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polkadotstars
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posted November 03, 2015 10:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for polkadotstars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, I mean I'm not saying I need to be married in order to be happy. I don't even need a relationship to be happy.

I guess I was a bit down when I made this post because my uncle was venting to me for a few days about why his marriage isn't working, I had a coworker yesterday who was crying because his wife is leaving him, and I was counseling one of my good friends is second guessing her engagement to her fiancé. All of this happened within a matter of a week. And it was a lot to take in, and I started questioning if real love can last.

I'be always been a romantic at heart and I've always wanted to be happily married with kids and a good dog or two. I need to also not compare my personal life with other people's lives.

Thank you all for your input!

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Desiring Shadows
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posted November 03, 2015 11:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Desiring Shadows     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
(I'm sorry to hear about your uncles marriage..That stinks. Relationships take work. Both parties need to try at all times and people get lazy lol so they look for an easy way out

I'm not saying marriage and commitment is perfect, but I'm saying it can be if you work at it

you just got to find alternatives and make things fit together 😝 Haha ahhhh)
Sorry I feel like talking 😅

Edit: also you're welcome! Thanks for posting!!

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 03, 2015 04:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've been married 22 years. There are at least a couple of marriages that do work. It's not always so straightforward, and they don't always end up being happy, but they do work for some.

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Ami Anne
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posted November 03, 2015 05:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was thinking about you with this question, Ian!

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 03, 2015 08:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I personally think there's a whole lot of myth and fantasy perpetuated by the media that leads the young astray. Remove all fantasy and inject the cold hard realities, and you'll have marriage. Both parties must really want it because the pressures will not be pleasant a lot of the time. It takes dedication and it takes work. And the "for better or worse" part is what often breaks apart marriages. The couple must resolve to never allow that to happen.

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polkadotstars
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posted November 03, 2015 10:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for polkadotstars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
I personally think there's a whole lot of myth and fantasy perpetuated by the media that leads the young astray. Remove all fantasy and inject the cold hard realities, and you'll have marriage. Both parties must really want it because the pressures will not be pleasant a lot of the time. It takes dedication and it takes work. And the "for better or worse" part is what often breaks apart marriages. The couple must resolve to never allow that to happen.

Very wise words, thank you.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 03, 2015 10:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Take this from a man. A man shows you his love not when you are dressed in the most beautiful evening gown while flattering his ego. A man shows his love by cherishing you as his companion and uplifting you even above himself. A man cheers you on in delight and plucks you from the depths of despair. A man doesn't look best when all dressed up; he looks best when he can look deep inside his soul and find the conviction, moral authority and ethical compass to lead the way ahead down a path of happiness.

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PixieJane
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posted November 03, 2015 11:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
In case it makes you feel better, I'm sharing a couple of vids I just saw. These can be counted as part of my gallows humor, which some find helpful, others find disturbing.

The Truth About Being Single

And also, Disney couples seek therapy/counseling (note that part 2 and 3 follow):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_j8l6_u6kg

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Valentine
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posted November 03, 2015 11:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valentine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Take this from a man. A man shows you his love not when you are dressed in the most beautiful evening gown while flattering his ego. A man shows his love by cherishing you as his companion and uplifting you even above himself. A man cheers you on in delight and plucks you from the depths of despair. A man doesn't look best when all dressed up; he looks best when he can look deep inside his soul and find the conviction, moral authority and ethical compass to lead the way ahead down a path of happiness.

This sounds like my husband. We're happy.

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bansheequeen
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posted November 04, 2015 02:09 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was married for a very short time. Most of the people I know that got married very young like me arent happy. Lots of divorces, cheating, abuse... you name it.

Its just how it is. Life. Just focus on yourself and not on the statistics becuse they do not govern your life. Its possible if you and your partner want it to be.

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DopGang
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posted November 04, 2015 07:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DopGang     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
There's a lot of great things said already. It's one of those things for me that I almost stay silent about because there's just too much to say. But I'll say a few brief things.

It's difficult to know. With things as sensitive as these people get confused. They lie to themselves even. Example as pointed out, staying together for children. You kind of need to lie to yourself to hold your sanity. At least I'm sure that some do.

You could ask me today and get a different answer than tomorrow if my head isn't clear. I'm an impulsive type. LOL
Ugh, all of these things are much deeper than I'm making them. It makes me not want to respond. LOL

One problem is that you have to MAKE a commitment. I think many expect that it's going to fall in their lap or it happens by magic. It's work. It takes two!

Now, do they exist?
I'm certain that they do but it's such a difficult thing to truly know. Many people don't even know what happiness means to them. It means something different to everyone.

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polkadotstars
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posted November 04, 2015 09:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for polkadotstars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, I agree with the fact that it takes two to make a marriage work. While I have never been married, I was in a relationship for four years and we owned a house together for two of those years. I felt as if he got too complacent, too comfortable, and stopped putting effort into the relationship. It felt like we were more roommates than anything else. I knew I had to get out before he was going to propose. I've always told myself that when I do get married, I'm going to try to keep it exciting, keep going on little dates, always make my husband feel special and loved. And I hope to find a man who treats me the same.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted November 04, 2015 03:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Regardless, there are going to be the less-than-happy times. The arguments, the job losses, the money losses, the too-much-bill-before-the-end-of-month blues, the no-food-in-fridge issues, the sky-high-pile-of-laundry blues, the gross-dirty-bathtub issues. There are going to be the good intentions and misunderstanding blues. It happens even in non-marriage situations. You just have to look past that and focus on the big picture.

Early in the morning. If you can stand him with his hair sticking up, his stinky breathe before he brushes his teeth, his smelly arms, etc., and most of all his snoring through the night, then you are more than halfway there haha

You do have to be friends and roommates first before being a couple. My wife and I are later in life and fortunate to be comfortably well off. We keep our master bedroom, but we each also have a lioness cave and a bear den, where we each have our own changing rooms/closets/bathrooms/spare beds to run to for privacy. It is part of our own hideaway for privacy and personal space strategy. We are best friends first and foremost.

And after all is said and done, money does come in handy.

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Randall
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posted November 06, 2015 04:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No.

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bansheequeen
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posted November 06, 2015 08:13 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by polkadotstars:
Yeah, I agree with the fact that it takes two to make a marriage work. While I have never been married, I was in a relationship for four years and we owned a house together for two of those years. I felt as if he got too complacent, too comfortable, and stopped putting effort into the relationship. It felt like we were more roommates than anything else. I knew I had to get out before he was going to propose. I've always told myself that when I do get married, I'm going to try to keep it exciting, keep going on little dates, always make my husband feel special and loved. And I hope to find a man who treats me the same.

I feel like in general women are much more aware of this than men are.. :/

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polkadotstars
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posted November 06, 2015 09:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for polkadotstars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree!

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Doux Rêve
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posted November 07, 2015 03:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Doux Rêve     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, this thread is depressing.

I keep wondering why people, in general, are so focused on the "one and only", a lifetime connection. Why is that? (Why would you want that if it's totally unrealistic and not doable?) Is it just the media brainwash? Because it sure does feel like an intrinsic part of being human, to me at least (and I'm not the only one).

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12muddy
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posted November 07, 2015 08:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 12muddy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Depends on what you mean by "happy".

Some people I know seem to think that marriage is something that miraculously smooth out stuff and change everything for the better forever - "happily ever after" version.

Troubles came to me when I was single. Troubles still come to me now that I'm not single. There are bad times and there are good times. Facing sht together - that makes it works. Lovey-dovey stuff is just the icing on the cake.

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12muddy
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posted November 07, 2015 08:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 12muddy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Regardless, there are going to be the less-than-happy times. The arguments, the job losses, the money losses, the too-much-bill-before-the-end-of-month blues, the no-food-in-fridge issues, the sky-high-pile-of-laundry blues, the gross-dirty-bathtub issues. There are going to be the good intentions and misunderstanding blues. It happens even in non-marriage situations. You just have to look past that and focus on the big picture.

Early in the morning. If you can stand him with his hair sticking up, his stinky breathe before he brushes his teeth, his smelly arms, etc., and most of all his snoring through the night, then you are more than halfway there haha

You do have to be friends and roommates first before being a couple. My wife and I are later in life and fortunate to be comfortably well off. We keep our master bedroom, but we each also have a lioness cave and a bear den, where we each have our own changing rooms/closets/bathrooms/spare beds to run to for privacy. It is part of our own hideaway for privacy and personal space strategy. We are best friends first and foremost.

And after all is said and done, money does come in handy.


I find this to be very true.

Especially the part about money. I didn't think much of it before, but now that we've been through a fair bit, I find it's true that money does come in handy. At the very least, financial stability puts my mind at ease - one less thing to worry about, .

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