posted March 17, 2016 01:02 PM            

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posted March 18, 2016 03:02 PM            

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Originally posted by Vajra:
Do you also make pronouncements of doom all the time, like - "I'm sure you'll tire of me soon enough once we've met up a few times, so let's stretch the time a bit" (during the phase when you're just getting to know each other, say the first 2-3 weeks)?

If not, it's probably not the same thing. We could anyway meet up once per week (if that often at all) tops due to work/child obligations on my and crazy shifts to work on his part, so I doubt the needing-alone-time thing applies in this case. We both had difficulty making time for each other, so often it would be two weeks or more in-between meeting. But we wrote each other long mails every day.

Meanwhile, he nevertheless would sometimes suddenly call me at 11pm and ask me to come over asap, just to spend a few hours with him and get up at 6 in the morning to leave for work - not for horniness or anything, just because he had these sudden urges to see me, and talking on the phone then wouldn't be enough for him.

This, alternating with the occasional withdrawals, and some other behavior that was unpredictable, was all in all very exhausting and at some point got too draining. As I already said - had I understood the problem better beforehand, I'd then have opted to keep this thing non-romantic and non-physical, and we might still be friends today.

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His statement sounds kind of like an insecurity. I can see where he was coming from. I would say something more along the lines of, "I like my space. If we don't see each other often, it'll keep things fresh."

I think him taking the time to schedule you in somehow into his life, was sweet. I do that and every time I see the person, I get really excited.

posted March 18, 2016 03:14 PM            

That whole orange thing is pretty interesting and cute. If I were to do that, my oranges would be:

First day: 5
Second: 0
Third: 0
Fourth:0
Fifth: 10
Sixth: 0
Seventh: 0

And it'll be that same way next week. I wouldn't mind seeing someone once a week.

posted March 18, 2016 06:18 PM            

I see. I didn't know he really had an expiration date for the relationship and would break up with you only to come onto you again. I'm so glad to hear you found a stable partner

posted March 19, 2016 12:04 AM            

Yes, when I love a man to the moon and back, I still need my space and my oranges wouldn't change. If I saw him once or a couple times a week, I'd still want to keep that frequency when we fall in love and/or make it official.

I was in a relationship for 9 years and I think what kept us together that long was him traveling for work and being away 99% of the time. The first day we saw each other, everything was fine but by the second day, we end up fighting and spend time apart. Then he leaves for work again in which I felt relieved.

I'm in a long distance relationship again but it didn't start out like that. We lived in the same town and saw each other once or twice a week. Then he moved for work and that's when we got together officially. Strange how that works huh?

Both of these guys love their space but with the first guy, he wanted to get married and that's when I freaked. But he also got controlling.

The current relationship I'm in, we both don't want to get married. I think we both have some issues we need to work out maybe? But we're both content with the thought of having a child and not living together.

Sometimes I don't want to get married because I think, "What's the point really?" I do want to get married sometimes. Mainly just to have a nice wedding lol that's not good.

I've had my fair share of clingy, up in my grill relationships. Those didn't last very long. The longest clingy relationship lasted maybe 6 months. The shortest was a week.

posted March 19, 2016 08:15 AM            

Just want to say, I can relate to this:

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I fear I will never find "my person". I am also pretty anxious in the beginning, until I know I am safe with this person, then I start to become a little distant and reclaim my independence and I tend to find flaws in my partner that I tolerated in the beginning (I usually see them), until I become anxious again that I am "settling" for someone who doesn't deserve me and I become angry for having wasted my time on another failed relationship and anxious to get back in the dating game, but it's still better than sticking to that relationship further on.

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posted March 19, 2016 08:29 AM            

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I was thinking I might make one or two other - threads with specific things like.. - attachment and empathy - and - attachment and survival (because I've come to the conclusion this is closely related to survival... I think this is why people with an insecure type get to stages where they feel like love is a "life or death" matter for them).

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But I do think, to some extent - a man being dismissive - would be different to a woman being dismissive... I feel like I am more empathetic than men I've met who I believe were Avoidant (whether dismissive or fearful). This could be because on average women score higher on empathy tests.

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when psychologists ask dismissive people specific questions about their childhood... the most common reaction is that they simply don't remember

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Thanks for your kind words. I’m over it now, but I’m not sure I have forgiven him. Consciously I tend to try and forgive people but in the back of my mind I carry that resentment for some people who ‘did me wrong’, I can’t help it.

However I must say that in that relationship, I wasn’t 'preocuppied’, I was definitely avoidant. Near the end of our relationship, or maybe even during the break-up, he said that during our relationship, sometimes I was acting distant and didn’t want to see him, which was/is hard to realize for me (I don't feel like I was acting that way, but in hindsight, there's probably some truth to it; however it seemed to me that it was in response to HIS distancing, and not just out of nowhere...)
He wasn’t necessarily avoiding seeing me, but being close to me. That’s the difference. When I’m with someone, I want to be connected to them, I want to feel close. Otherwise I see no point in being with them. But for him, he was okay with just being near me and not touch me or talk to me, which I found very weird. Neither of us were in love, that’s for sure. I was his first serious girlfriend and he was 26 (I was 18). He had told me that he had never been in love except maybe that one time back in high-school… That kind of says a lot about someone. (Except now I have the exact same experience – haven’t been in love since high-school.)

When we broke up, I didn't feel any kind of regret... although I did feel ****** for a while. And he wanted to get back together, which was so weird to me because in my view that relationship was a huge "fail".

Now, I did feel regret with my second boyfriend, and still wonder if I made the right choice (we're not entirely done seeing each other because he has some of my stuff that I asked him to give me back).

And he also said I was very on and off during our relationship and that he never knew how I'd feel on each given day...

And, I also have an "explanation" for that: the reason, in my view, is "simply" that I wasn't in love and hence feeling very uncertain about the whole thing, which is why I was acting inconsistent. But then again, that begs the question of... Why get in a relationship with someone if you aren't in love with them? Or why continue it? Heh, that's kind of rough.

The not-so-pretty thing is that, the "real" reason I'm still wondering about if I made the right choice, is because I really, really am not sure I will find someone else again; someone who likes/loves me (!) and someone whom I find attractive and who is a "good person" (and not a cheater/liar, etc).

There's definitely that fear of being alone, of being unworthy, too fu**ed up for others, too "something" that will prevent me from ever being in a satisfying relationship. And then it takes on a perverse turn and becomes "what if I'll never find someone who is worthy of me? Will I have to settle for someone?" blah blah.
And the whole "I can't fall in love anymore" thing also bugs me to no end.

It just seems so complicated, and it takes on a life of its own (this whole issue).
Like, it feels like this giant problem that I need to fix asap or else I'll... snap, or something. There's a sense of urgency to it that is really annoying, and I wish I could just let it go.

Phew. Anyway, lots of blabbing.

Hope you're doing alright over there...

posted March 19, 2016 01:31 PM              

But at least my ex left for an hour or so, I can cry my heart out in the shower. And tomorrow eventually we will go on separate ways. At least this awkwardness will end.