posted March 11, 2016 05:52 PM            

This would perhaps go much more easily if you were to actually speak your feelings. You've deleted a few of your posts here, so I do not know whether you have or not. I would lean towards not considering the conntinued conversation.

I could have easily just mis-interpretted everything but the whole; avoidant, fearful of losing the person you care about, because they'll cut you out for whatever reason your psyche conjures, so it's best if we just never really try anything, just to be safe, you know, because I would not want to lose you.

You should tell him how you feel, if you want to do something about it.

If I have mis-interpretted it. Then that's my mistake. All the best.

posted March 11, 2016 06:33 PM            

This is really hard to explain to a person who has not experienced something similar.
Because it sounds like I'm being a bit "coo coo" - and I'm very aware of that... Because if a person has the secure attachment style, they have never had such insane issues in this area of life - so they would be under the impression that it's all about "choices".

For instance that - you can make a choice to talk to a person more often... or make a choice to give someone more space etc.

The huge problem is - that this whole thing is beyond the conscious "choice" level.

I completely realise that anyone reading this who has not dealt with something similar - will simply find this very odd.

But I am neither insane nor lying.

This is more like a phobia.. or something beyond conscious control, and it's very hard to change the pattern because it more than likely dates back to your very early attachment to your mum (as an infant).

I did speak openly to Sagittarius guy (who I made all of these threads about).
To my surprise when I told him what I found out about myself - his reaction was that he already knew about this because he had come across it a year ago (due to relationship problems) - and he knows about himself that he has the anxious attachment style.

^ But as much as we have talked about this openly, in every way possible - and as much as I know we are both empathetic people and care about each other.
It's extremely hard to change something that is at the level of a subconscious phobia. And as much as we would both like to understand the other person (i.e. that I need more space and he needs more intimacy)... this understanding is purely "cerebral".
It doesn't change our core issue

These are the best psychological articles I found explaining this situation betwen the anxious and the avoidant from both sides:

From the Anxious POV: http://www.dralangraham.com/Office/Relationships__Anxious_Style.html

From the Dismissive-Avoidant POV: http://www.dralangraham.com/Office/Relationships__Avoidant_Style.html

And this explains the attachment issue, more generally:

quote:

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Remember, the dating pool is weighted with Anxious and Avoidant folks as the Secure people are likely to wade out of the dating pool together. Hence, the chances are high that an Anxious individual will meet someone with an Avoidant style. It’s important to remember that these Attachment Styles are the ways our “Attachment System” works. Briefly, the “Attachment System” is thought to be a part of our genetic heritage, a part of us that is important for the survival of our species. Specifically, it is important that mother and infant have an attachment so that the mother is looking after the child and the child is fearful to be too far away from the mother. Such a bond increases the chances the child will make it to adulthood since human infants and children can’t fend for themselves, unlike many other mammals. Out of many variables from our early attachment experiences, we develop a style that stays with us as the “way of the world.” When two adults meet for a romantic partnership, their attachment styles interact and their “Attachment System” is activated. Here’s where the Anxious person might get into trouble.

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posted March 12, 2016 11:38 AM            

Maybe you have some karmic lessons that you are (unconsciously) working on, and they require you to encounter some "rough" women. IDK. It's always a possibility.

We incarnate to learn lessons, according to the theory I subscribe to. The people we meet help us learn those lessons.