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  I am having suicidal thoughts and that I have exhausted all avenues. Why?

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Author Topic:   I am having suicidal thoughts and that I have exhausted all avenues. Why?

Posts: 90
From: United Kingdom
Registered: Mar 2014

posted February 13, 2018 03:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for rubynoir     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi all,

I've been raised by my Grandma from the age of 2 because my mum had me at 15 and my father was an abusive alcoholic. After my mum managed to escape from my father she carried on her lifestyle of enjoying her teen years, partying and having various boyfriends. There were times I wouldn't see her for months at a time, or she would pop in briefly and then disappear. When I was 6 she had another baby and also handed him to my Grandma... we were then raised together until my little brother was 4 and my Mum decided to take my brother back to live with her and left me with my Grandma as I was already used to her raising me and I was enroled at school.

It was never something that bothered me as a child because I have had a wonderful upbringing with my Grandparents, I never needed anything more than I had and to be honest I would say now I was quite spoiled by them. We lived in a nice area of the city, we were quite well off financially and I had many friends at school whereas I know my Mother has had hard times, never held down a job throughout her 20's and lived in some pretty rough places....

My Grandma is my world, she is the most intelligent, kind, creative, headstrong and beautiful woman I have ever known. She is everything I'd ever want to be and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. I could never thank her for taking me under her wing and raising me for my whole life and I have always felt unhealthily attached to her. I would have thoughts growing up about her suddenly dying or leaving me in some way and I would panic and cry in my bedroom although I know deep down she wasn't going to go anywhere. This actually carried on into adulthood where I became more paranoid that she would leave me through illness.

I've always felt if my Grandma left me I would have nobody. I know my Mother is alive but she is more like a sister to me, I feel that she doesn't love me as a Mother should and she doesn't know how to speak to me most of the time. She has three other children which she adores and it is quite clear her love towards them is very different than her love for me. She is also very immature, loves to party, drink and rally around after other people but rarely contacts me or asks how I am.

In 2016 I met who I thought was the love of my life, he was a charity worker alongside his parents who are also missionaries. Things moved very fast and he introduced me to his parents and for once in my life, I felt I was a part of a real family. I knew they cared about me and they were interested in my upbringing, they wanted to include me in their world and I felt like I had a real home.
As I began to spend more and more time with my boyfriend this was the first time in my life I began to pull away from my Grandma. Not intentionally but I was in love and I wanted to be around him as much as possible, as I did this I began to have regular nightmares.

The scariest was in August 2016 I dreamt that my best friend gave birth to her baby and my Grandma was waiting with me in the ward. As I handed the newborn to my Grandma, she drops dead and then suddenly wakes up and then drops dead again. I immediately woke up crying and my boyfriend had to calm me down and reassure me that it was just a dream. I had NEVER dreamt of my Grandma passing away in my life until that moment.

November 2016 my relationship ended as he felt it was becoming too serious and he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. He then left me and moved to Australia.
I was devastated and moved back in with my Grandma and Grandad trying to move on with my heartbreak...just as I was healing and finding myself happier December 2016 my Grandad screams my name from downstairs and when I rush down my Grandma has collapsed and doesn't have a pulse but her eyes are open and she is moaning.

As she is taken into the ambulance I can still hear her stuggling to breath but unable to talk so I tell her that I'm here with her and as soon as I say those words she went into cardiac arrest and died on the way to the hospital. Even to this day I can't describe what I was feeling at that time and my mental health began to suffer over the following months.

I now live alone with my Grandad, Mum hardly ever visits..she doesn't call and she doesn't seem to care about how we are. I feel sick when I think about my Grandma, I feel lonely and confused about why she was taken at only 68. I have nobody to talk to anymore because she was my Mother and she was my best friend. I'm at University (graduating this year) and I would like to study Art Psychotherapy but I feel that nothing means anything.

I am not part of a family now my Grandma has died.
Every relationship I have ever had doesn't get off the ground or if it does they leave me within a year.
My Mother doesn't seem to care about me.
I don't have many friends and my two best friends are in long term relationships with children.
I spend most of my time alone, in my bedroom thinking about dying. I feel that there is no reason for me to be here and the only reason I haven't acted on anything is because I couldn't put my Grandad through that level of pain. He is now 80 years old but I'm pretty certain that if he were to pass away I wouldn't be here soon after.

This is something I have thought about for a while but I seem to feel it more intensely each day. I have a counsellor who recommended I reach out to my Mum which I did and she didn't want to know, she actually said "you are not the only person with problems, don't text me please" We now haven't spoken in two weeks. I just feel that my life will be long term suffering and loneliness which I cannot take anymore and I just don't understand why my life seems to be people leaving me and feeling isolated.

My DOB is 29th July 1993 7:12am Coventry, United Kingdom

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Posts: 90
From: United Kingdom
Registered: Mar 2014

posted February 13, 2018 03:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for rubynoir     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I would appreciate if somebody could tell me if there is anything in my natal chart which points to prolonged suffering or issues with the Mother/Family.

Thank you

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Posts: 1010
From: Canada
Registered: Jul 2014

posted February 13, 2018 05:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for margym0o     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just want to say from a non-astrological (human) perspective how BRAVE you are for sharing this story. You are a very eloquent writer and I could almost feel the emotion coming from you through the screen.

I can only imagine how difficult your life has been with everything you've gone through but you MUST hang on. To even be able to put these thoughts into words and acknowledge your own hurt is HUGE.

Astrology may gleen some insight into how this all came about but unfortunately it will not predict the outcome nor will it offer you any more consolation as to how to move forward.

I think the hardest part of all of this is realizing that life around us can be unfair and cruel, but it doesn't necessarily have to deter from your own individual strength. You have been through so much yet you are still here. I think to keep your head up and push forward is SO important because there IS light at the end of the tunnel. In a year, two years, everything could change for the better and you will come out on the other side a better person for it. I think to keep "busy" is especially important too...join a recreational sports team or a club or organization or volunteer doing something you're passionate about. This may help you build a stronger social circle so that you don't feel so isolated and add meaningful purpose to your life.

The reality is we all lose our loved ones one way or another at some point in our lives. In a way, you were blessed to be present when your Grandma passed on because you could have easily been out of the house, but you were right there during her final moments, and now your Grandpa has you to lean on during his time of grief.

You have to give yourself TIME to grieve, to be sad, scream, throw things, be angry, all of it...and know that in time it WILL get better. As humans on this earth we deal with death, destruction, war, famine, poverty, all of it...and we keep faith to carry forward. There is a reason you are here and it will all make sense one day <3

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Posts: 1161
From: ♤ Ethereal Umbra ♤
Registered: Nov 2016

posted February 13, 2018 05:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonMystic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My ASC is cnj your Moon, I really felt a huge pull towards your post. My Heart deeply felt your plea for help. Although I'm not the best person to reply, I'll offer the best I can with much ❤. There likely will be more replies. Please check back for all of us who reply. I might keep studying, as I am at times a tortoise.🐢

In your actual natal chart, I believe
it can't carry a complete tone of discomfort.
Your grandmother who raised you certainly brought positivity to your world.

Your natal Moon is 15' 37 Sag (house 4)
Which is parallel with your NN in declination. You feel deeper. Mother related topics will be stronger. Your 12th house is Cancer (Moon), thus your feelings are oriented to your 12th and your natural mother might in your unconscious actually relate there as your secret enemy. This is sensitive and with your Moon in your 4th, you have harsher water there (Scorpio and Pluto within this house) so it has a sting in your comfort realms of home and family.

These energies might be lingering yet recently it feels more powerful due to the transits.

-Current transits
great attractor  cnjs your natal Moon (representative of Mother or Mother figure).
Tr Sun is opposition your natal Moon.
(A spotlight on your motherly love, nurturing, yet on the other side which is  yearning, loss and need).
Tr Neptune is squaring your natal Moon and nodes.
Tr Pluto is opposition your Mercury. Perhaps dark and sad thoughts that invade your mental well being.

Tr Psyche is square to your natal Saturn
Tr Chiron square natal Venus (you're not pushing past these wounds to give your own inner child the nurturing you so desire, deserve and need). My thoughts here: I think Venus wouldn't tolerate these feelings, she would find some indulgence, in self care, nurturing,  seeing her worth the effort. She would find some strength to see her value. Things are painful yet in your case your grandmother loves you, despite her not being in this dimension now. She put much care and nurturing in you. She would be sad to see you in such misery. Venus would give you enough strength to stand tall and remind yourself you are wonderful, beautiful and  a loving kind lady. She would be proud of your studies, accomplishments and probably like your finding love and sharing with loved ones what love she showed you! therefore not giving up on finding that special someone and giving love to your offspring as your grandma did you! She taught you love. Even though you're bio Mom couldn't, your Gma DID. as was said above on the previous reply, your grandfather needs you now. He might feel worse than you realise. But maybe there's time you both can bond and he/you can share memories with your your Gma. As a bit of time goes by, you may find life introducing you to someone wonderful so you can keep loving too!

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Posts: 275
From: Heavens Above
Registered: Aug 2016

posted February 13, 2018 08:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TaurusVenusGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My post is also not astrological based, as I'm a newbie and have much too learn.

I would say you are very blessed that your grandmother was there for you to love and raise you. I unfortunately was raised by my biological mother which in turn has left many scares on my soul, ( I have moon in Scorpio in 12H). Your biological mother was a your pathway to enter earth. That's how I see my mother, I am not her and nothing like her, and her (poor excuse of raising me does not define me), maybe you can relate to that? I was 10 years old when I first tried to take life, and this continued through most of my 20's. I swear the teenage years and 20's are/were some of the hardest in my life and most people struggle the most with depression and anxiety during this time. I had only myself to rely on as no one was there for me or didn't know how to cope with me and my pain.

I had been in therapy since I was 8. Not only because of me being screwed up but because my parents needed the counselling for screwing me up.

For someone who was not brought up in ideal circumstances does not mean that you are not worthy of love, and a life full or happiness and joy. Because you are worth all those things are more. Look how far you have come and what you have managed to achieve to date. You are about to graduate University!! No easy feat but you are about to do it!! How I wish I had a degree. But when most people were studying and going to Uni, I was in a heroin injecting faze wishing I would just hurry up and die.

What will you be getting your Bachelor's in?

I decided one day, the only person who could save me, was me. There was never anyone else ever who helped me so why would they start now. Just because your Grannyandmother is not around you in physical form doesn't mean she's not around you in energy form.

Your best friends might be married with children but that doesn't mean that they don't want you around, their priorities are just different now. I'm sure they would love to see you and have their children get to know you too.

It's so easy to spend time alone having unpleasant thoughts, but when you have time alone, this also means you have time to focus on doing things you've always wanted to do. Maybe start yoga, buy a pet. There's nothing like the unconditional love of an animal.

Look forward to all the new opportunities life is about to offer you. Like your new career after you graduate. You can do things you've dreamed off you couldn't do before.

Ever since I was a young child, I always knew I was going to bow out of life at 68. It's never changed 68 was when I've done everything I was supposed to accomplish here. Guess I have that in common with your grandmother.

I'm about to turn 40 soon, and l frequently think about how suicidal I was in my youth. And how much inner peace and joy I have now.

And out of all the things I have experienced what truly inspires me is watching my own metamorphosis each and every day and continuing watching my growth through life has been the most amazing thing I've seen me do. And this might become your reality too, just allow it to happen.

And sack your councillor. She is projecting her emotions, thoughts and feelings onto you. She probably thinks everyone should have a close bond with their mother, but it's just not everyone's reality, and she doesn't seem to get it. It's clear the person your biological mother is. If your mother is ready to change she knows how to get in touch with you.

I am an energetic healer. It's what probably saved my life too. Everything in my natal chart tells me I'm a healer. I can maybe find an Applied Kinesiologist for you to work with, if you like, just tell me where in the UK you live. Kinesiology is by far the most beneficial healing modality and it is you who can heal you, a Kinesiologist is just the vessel to facilitate your how g process through your journey.

And remember when you are feeling unloved and alone, you're not, we are all interconnected and we are all one.

Much love and light to you x

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Posts: 566
From: Birmingham
Registered: Mar 2011

posted February 14, 2018 06:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for waxlobster     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just want to send you lots of love and reiki Ruby ♥

There are no shortcuts through grief, it's a long and difficult process which sometimes leaves you feeling like a small ship in a stormy sea, liable to sink at any time.

Reaching out to us here, and to others in your life though, that's a lifeline. It's a tough journey and you've had some big setbacks in your life I know but one day you will be grateful for the love and nurture of such an amazing and beautiful woman.

One day, everything she's taught you will form into your heart as if she is there all the time; guiding you, helping you, loving you.

When that happens you won't need to miss her so much, you'll want to share the love that she's taught you with others who haven't been lucky enough to experience it. Until that day keep sharing, keep connecting and know that this's something we always feel at times but there are always people who care just around the corner.

blog: New horoscopes just posted for January to March 2018!!!

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Posts: 837
From: Atlantis
Registered: Nov 2016

posted February 14, 2018 02:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Beautiful_Light     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Moving to Sweet Peas in the Rain.

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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
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posted February 15, 2018 10:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Posts: 275
From: Heavens Above
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posted February 20, 2018 08:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TaurusVenusGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How are you feeling now?

Usually these not so pleasant feelings ebb and flow.

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Posts: 90
From: United Kingdom
Registered: Mar 2014

posted February 20, 2018 12:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for rubynoir     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you all for you kind responses I really appreciate them. I've been trying to take a break from using my computer so much recently.

I agree that the love I was given by my Grandma is now what I could share with others and that is what I would ultimately like to do. I just feel that a family of my own is really out of reach especially at age 24...

My focus has been completing my degree which is in Fine Arts and I would then like to go onto Art Therapy. I'm also looking into volunteering in some homeless shelters to provide hot meals etc at the weekends.

I feel slightly better in myself when I know I am doing something kind and useful for others and I'm not sure why that is really but my Grandma was similar in that way.

I have stopped visiting the counsellor because my thoughts of being alone seem to intensify when leaving his office.
I guess I will have to look into alternative therapies but for now these threads give me a little strength.

Thank you again xx

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Posts: 90
From: United Kingdom
Registered: Mar 2014

posted February 20, 2018 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for rubynoir     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Could I also ask whether this current Chiron/Venus transit is also contributing in any way? I know that this transit will end for me in a few days time which will be good if so.

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