posted July 07, 2014 12:41 PM            

The post your talking about talked my getting pregnant right?

It was so hard to write that to begin with...i mean I was pregnant with a married mans baby(although I didn't know it) and I was playing pretend with my TF, sharing the baby pictures with him?? It makes me sad that I didn't make better decisions.
Honestly there is one part of that story I didn't share....it's way to humiliating!!
So here it goes...this is me practicing allowing myself to be vulnerable and not holding back or hiding anything.

I told you the guy I was dating was a surgeon and he couldn't be there for the first sonogram, which hurt so I shared the first pictures of the baby with my TF. He talked and went on n on about it, telling me all the things he would do if it was his baby.
It hurts to know I did that to the guy I was with! What did he do? He got an emergency at work and to me I did something worse than cheating....wishing his baby was someone else's..ugh! That's just do wrong!
I told you i lost the baby at 4months and fell apart! Fortunately my guy was 100% there for me! He lived with me by this time, actually after he realized I was planning on moving there for work he moved me and then he never really left.
I never questioned him about where he lived before....I should have though!
A few weeks after I lost the baby, we had been together for awhile when I found out he wasn't "actually" divorced!
He was separated but maybe he left before he found out, but I kind of doubt it....he separated from her when she was pregnant.
I think he finally left a very unhappy marriage because of me then got me pregnant to, n kept it all secret! Pisces Mars square gemini Venus opposed Neptune, lying was effortless for him, 2nd nature!

My guy had to go to the hospital for his sons birth just weeks after I lost the baby. I only found this out because he disappeared off the face of the earth without a word. He contacted me just enough to blame it on work. But he must have accidentally left his phone at the hospital because I called it and she answered and told me everything.

He says he left her before me....but yet he never proved he had another place he was staying, except his brothers couch.
I still feel so guilty for being a part of that...I think about the stress, the anger she must have felt! The rage....while she was pregnant, can you imagine how angry you would be? I would be so angry!! I would have had to force letting go of the anger to preserve my baby from feeling those energy vibrations.
That stress affected that babies development...it wrote into his DNA and changed him. That hurts me to know I was the reason that happened to him, I should look at his birth chart and see if I have any Karma with the lil guy!
The guy n I are still friends, I wasn't the reason he left...they were miserable together. She is really a very hateful person, very vindictive, controlling, cold and can't forget she is very lazy! I would have wanted out to!
She's a leo Sun, cap Moon, scorpio AC....
He's a taurus Sun, libra Moon, aries AC...
Not sure how they ended up together except he lost both his parents as a child.
So I think because she was older than him and maybe her cap Moon and cancer Venus acted like the parents he needed!

Anyway....that's the story I started to tell but it was to personal so I deleted it!
The point of the story was I believe someday I will be able to love someone without longing for my TF.
The reason I believe that is because of what happened there, it kind of shocked me into reality. I can't move on and still long for him, that's not fair to anyone. So I believe there is a way to get over the TF love.

I need to learn to love myself, wholly!! I need to take the emotional template my TF gave me of how deeply I can feel love, and allow myself to let go and give myself that love.
He wasn't showing me how much he loved me, he was showing me my potential to love myself.
I know that because if he was showing me his love for me...he'd be laying next to me right now! If he loved me as much as it felt like he did we would be inseparable!

That is how I know TF relationships are nothing more than the person who reflects back to you your deepest self, the good and bad....and your deepest capability to love.
It's not their love you feel, it's your love they are giving back to you.
I want to take out the middle man! Learn the direct line to my love and have it with me everyday!
Thank you TF for opening my eyes to my deepest self!! Now I am going to let him go and move forward to becoming my very best!
When I'm alone, it's not a state of being, as in I'm lonely. Alone is just a place!
To me it's the only place on Earth that will allow me to cut out all the noise pollution and static from life so i can feel my purest self and connect to the universal love that is who i am at my core.

This stuff is hard to write because I question myself...this goes against everything I was ever taught as a child. My beliefs have done a complete 380, and some part of me is still doubting my intuition. I wish I could find that part and smack it upside the head! Lol

posted July 07, 2014 01:35 PM            

It's okay, Gabby! We've all done crap, we all carry regrets...and I don't know what you even did that was so bad?? You didn't know the guy was still married when you got pregnant...and wishing it was someone else's baby....hey, it's just a wish. Not a crime! You don't have to feel bad.

It's true what you said, the TF is not some infallible person, some angel on earth. My ex and I were in this complicated dance, sometimes playing hard to get, then lapsing into dead seriousness, ie "You aren't REALLY leaving are you??? You'll never REALLY leave???" until finally the games became indistinguishable from anything real. So I left, thinking he wouldn't care...only to find out from mutual friends that he said it destroyed him. And then, he would never accept an apology. So we both mutually abandoned our relationship, after the trust just crackled bit by bit and fell apart totally.

---

I think about self-love all the time...it's quite a mystery to me, whether or not people can actually thrive emotionally...WITHOUT someone else there? Even Buddhists have their solitary practice and the social structure of the monasteries.

But what Mr. TF did for me was, he just listened and never criticized...made me feel like everything about me was okay. Underneath the drama and turmoil there were reassurances...must've fortified my self-confidence.

(edited)

posted July 07, 2014 05:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:

But what Mr. TF did for me was, he just listened and never criticized...made me feel like everything about me was okay. Underneath the drama and turmoil there were reassurances...must've fortified my self-confidence.

---

Yes, this. And pretty much everything else everyone described here about their TF, including feeling that he wanted to crawl inside me (he is Pluto in our synastry).
Or maybe I'm just deluded. We have a Venus - Neptune conjunction (I'm Neptune)

posted July 07, 2014 07:34 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Faith:

But what Mr. TF did for me was, he just listened and never criticized...made me feel like everything about me was okay. Underneath the drama and turmoil there were reassurances...must've fortified my self-confidence. And maybe your TF helped you on your path to self-love, too? Even if it's hard to trace his influence now? What do you think?

Thanks for chatting with me.

---

He was the first person who didn't judge me! He listened and didn't question or criticize me. He made me feel so accepted!
Nobody had ever listened to me and cared! I remember the night we met he spent hours asking me questions, some really personal, normally id been offended but with him it was kind of cute!
I started giving him answers that were true but extreme, I thought you want to ask me things like that I'm going to give you the whole truth no sugar coating at all! I was trying to shock him....I couldn't!
He just smiled and said I like you, your real! He challenged me to be real and then accepted me when I was...that's rare!
I could tell him anything....do you know how amazing that felt to me to finally have someone force me to have opinions and force me to think for myself instead of agree with him.
I got to where I loved to argue with him!! For years we talked day n night! Even after we broke off the relationship we still talked/texted all day most days.
He pulled me, out of me! He forced me stand up and say this is how I feel, this is what I need...I am a person to!

He encouraged to me write my book about what I'd went through and he read and reread every word of every rewrite.
No one on the face of the earth but him knows even the thoughts I had as a tiny lil girl who's mind was slowing being shut down and ability to fight fading away growing into acceptance of abuse as normal...and adopting pain as some form of love and believing it was what I deserved.
Sometimes he couldn't talk to me for a few days after reading certain things is been through...when he finally did he just cried.
He told me I needed some comic relief in the book or it would be to painful for anyone to read.
That story had been bottled up in me, I'd never spoken a word if it until him. My brother still won't speak of the things that happened to us...I think that's why he's dying of kidney stones. 47 surgeries and only partial use of 1 kidney...the pain manifested physically since he refuses to deal with it emotionally. My other brother...I can't even discuss. The brain £^ck my step dad on him... and he's still living it!
Anyway, my TF was the first person who told me I had value, the things id went through and learned needed to be heard and he got mad at me for not believing in myself.
I relate to him kind of like that song by Fergie, "Big Girls Don't Cry"

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine

Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself, and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
----

He was my 1st....at least the 1st person to ever say, your not worthless, you have value! He told me the moment he met me he knew he'd met the most amazing person he would ever meet in his entire life....and he wanted me to see that to.
But once I started to see it...our relationship changed. It was like we almost became strangers in a way.
I still loved him and longed for him but I knew I had outgrown my need for him. It was time for me to stop looking to him to tell me I was ok. Time for me to start reassuring and validating myself instead of relying on him.
We are still friends, and very close but it's not the same. If we ever met again we would need to find a new common ground, a new way to relate to each other. A new mission to accomplish together.
He woke me up, forced me to face my demons and start believing in myself and eventually became a crutch.
It was time for me to start doing it for myself...taking what he'd taught me and meeting my own needs. Time to get stronger and grow up!
That's when we started feeling like strangers and we both wondered what happened?
If I saw him today I really wouldn't know how to act....after all that, I don't know if I really know him? I think I do, I feel him even though he's not showing his true self right now.
Until he's ready...we are in a stalemate!

Once, in our relationship, before I ever knew about TFs, we were together and he was tired or upset about something but didn't want to talk about it. He was acting like a jerk...so hard n cold, "I don't need anything" kind of attitude. It was the first time id ever seen him act like that.
I couldn't get angry...I felt the hurt and sadness in him. It felt like it was in me. I couldn't help but tear up for him...he just stared at me. I guess he expected me to get angry.
Then I heard myself saying, "What happened to you? What did they do? It's like your light went out, you used to be so warm. You used to be so beautiful"

I felt so strange because I didn't know where that had come from. I watched his eyes fill with tears, his whole demeanor changed. Like a broken lil boy. He didn't say anything he just got up and left. He didn't talk to me for days after that.
From then on...he said he was almost afraid to be around me because he knew I could see straight through him.
But he had a single mission, and he did it, he changed me!
I feel like I'm supposed to do the same thing for him...but he won't let me. I've always known he's not ready.
Now, I've kind of outgrown him. Until he's ready to be awaken to...he will continue to feel very shallow and empty to me.

posted July 07, 2014 07:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
^^^^
lol

If people knew all the things I've done.
I paid for some of it and some I just never got caught!
I was even the "cheatee" once. Looking back it was stupid but it happened. Oh well... It's over. Everyone has moved forward.

"If you want, you or any of us can make a thread in Hearth and Home. A little quieter and relaxed place to talk than is Sweat Peas. Might be a good option.

Edit: in the future I mean."

---

It feels good to drag it all out sometimes...I know not everyone wants to do that! Maybe it's because my karma is on my AC...I feel the need to pull it out, admit to it and allow myself to be forgiven. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of running, I'm tired of questioning my own value because these stupid lil things I've done linger n my the back of my mind and make me wonder about myself.

It's like I'm purging my soul of all I've done that makes me question myself....it's hard but it feels so good! Like true freedom from my own self made prison!

We could have a purging thread?
One where we all can tell the things we most deeply regret and judge ourselves....we can be a support system for each other, no judgement allowed!! No quoting allowed!! Just understanding, love and support to each other forgive ourselves!
Goodbye Karma...Hello, Peace!

Then if ppl want or need to delete their post because they're to personal...they can!

posted July 07, 2014 08:01 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:

As Lonake suggested!

[QUOTE][b]
I try to help everyone see their potential; those that have an inner light bring out the more forceful side of my personality.......

---

Gabby, see my mail.[/B][/QUOTE]

posted July 07, 2014 08:05 PM            

In the first instance, people like me have never actually talked about what happened to them. Not fully. That would need a safe and respectful space. Imagine exposing your wounds. Such a scary thought, and that on its own would be a major purge.

posted July 07, 2014 08:06 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:

As Lonake suggested!

[QUOTE][b]
I try to help everyone see their potential; those that have an inner light bring out the more forceful side of my personality.......

---

Gabby, see my mail.[/B][/QUOTE]

posted July 07, 2014 08:14 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
Good idea Gabby.

In the first instance, people like me have never actually talked about what happened to them. Not fully. That would need a safe and respectful space. Imagine exposing your wounds. Such a scary thought, and that on its own would be a major purge.

---

posted July 07, 2014 08:19 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I try to help everyone see their potential; those that have an inner light bring out the more forceful side of my personality. I can't let them do anything but shine. You have SUCH an inner light, Gabby; I know exactly what you're going through, though. I know the pattern.

The chrysalis breaks down the caterpillar completely -- into nothing but a formless mass of cells and raw material. We used to think it just huddled tight within the cocoon, preparing to re-emerge -- now we know differently.

It transforms at the base level.

There's nothing left that was the caterpillar as it prepares to become a butterfly. Its entire nature must change -- its skeleton must become reinforced, while remaining flexible, to support the addition of wings. No longer will it crawl upon the earth, but take to the sky, ensconced in a bright, beautiful banner of patterned colour.

We can only imagine what the psyche must be undergoing on some level. But it's a basic fact of its existence; it's evolutionarily hardwired to endure transformation at the most intrinsic level.

But here's the kicker.

So are we.

The human race, once armed with the knowledge of its roots in spirit, our 'celestial history', is designed for transmutation. We're made to remember the light of our love, and to cast aside the illusion of duality. To take to the sky, by growing our own wings to allow us to take flight.

Remember your wings, Gabby. They're coming. Just breathe. You're almost there.

---

posted July 07, 2014 08:22 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
How should we do it?? I would want to have a strict moderation of it... anyone says even a peep of anything negative regarding someone's post, it's instant delete for them!

---

Lovely! .You could as a Mod.

posted July 07, 2014 08:45 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
Good idea Gabby.

In the first instance, people like me have never actually talked about what happened to them. Not fully. That would need a safe and respectful space. Imagine exposing your wounds. Such a scary thought, and that on its own would be a major purge.

EDIT: Perhaps, many of us have grisly memories, and some don't need to rake them up, whilst others do. It isn't always the case that the past needs to be recalled for it to be purged. Living a new life is maybe all that is needed.

---

I totally agree!!

We should have a qualifier...

"Only purge what your ready to purge and never ever push yourself!
Feeling fear as you share something, fear of what everyone will think, maybe they will say you did the unforgivable sin, maybe they will hate you, or say your unworthy of forgiveness!
That kind of fear is normal.....but terror of sharing something is another!
If you feel terror at the thought of sharing, don't do it! Step back and start with something smaller. Maybe eventually you'll get back to it...only when your ready.

posted July 07, 2014 08:53 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
Lovely! .You could as a Mod.

Read my edit above. Perhaps Indigo could advise here. My concern: Is it always OK to rake up the past? What if one has moved on successfully? Meaning, could it be a backward step?

---

posted July 07, 2014 08:54 PM            

Next, where should it be? A quiet corner of LL would feel less exposed. Interpersonal is a busy place with possibly 1000s of viewers. Would you agree?

posted July 07, 2014 09:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
Ok. That sounds good.

Next, where should it be? A quiet corner of LL would feel less exposed. Interpersonal is a busy place with possibly 1000s of viewers. Would you agree?

Somebody mentioned 'Home and Hearth'. Or there may be another. Pity we didn't think of this when Randall was asking for suggestions for new forums .

---

Ya, DP suggested Hearth and Home or maybe it could go under Health and Healing....I see how both apply to this.
Do we want to focus on the healing?

I like the Hearth and Home because it seems it's focus is more on finding the loving support we need. Knowing you have ppl who love, accept and care about you no matter what you did or how bad you think you are!

posted July 07, 2014 09:15 PM            

People reading this thread (your admirers ) will know and can direct others there. What does everyone think?

posted July 07, 2014 09:18 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
These conversations may have to be included in one of the current forums. One could check with Randall of course, but I suspect he wouldn't want to add another.

People reading this thread (your admirers ) will know and can direct others there. What does everyone think?

I gotta hit the bed now. Its past 2 am here!

---

posted July 07, 2014 09:59 PM            

As for a thread. Yeah I think hearth and home.
Some of this is just my opinion. Just to be clear.
It's this kind of thing that sweet peas was made for but it's become home to many controversial subjects that Imo belong in LL 2.0. Just my opinion.
Hearth and home kind of became a secondary sweet peas in a way.
I've seen threads there with just 3-4 people and go on and on without much disturbance really. All the hot topic stuff is in sp.
So I'm very sure if someone made a thread "@Gabby" that really only people that really care about you would show up. Not to mean that others don't but you'll be much less likely to get people who just want to be bungholes.

posted July 07, 2014 10:52 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
Glad that you are getting so much support gabby. I really do think you are awesome.
I'd probably be a better person to talk to in person than online. My warm Leo-ness really puts people at ease and makes them comfortable.

As for a thread. Yeah I think hearth and home.
Some of this is just my opinion. Just to be clear.
It's this kind of thing that sweet peas was made for but it's become home to many controversial subjects that Imo belong in LL 2.0. Just my opinion.
Hearth and home kind of became a secondary sweet peas in a way.
I've seen threads there with just 3-4 people and go on and on without much disturbance really. All the hot topic stuff is in sp.
So I'm very sure if someone made a thread "@Gabby" that really only people that really care about you would show up. Not to mean that others don't but you'll be much less likely to get people who just want to be bungholes.

But the healing area would be good too I think. I'm not sure how much traffic it gets.

---

I think your explanation of the Hearth and Home sounds perfect. I like the less traffic areas, esp for such a sensitive topic.
@gabby is a good idea for a name. Anyone who knows me might peek in, that's perfect since I seem to attract big beautiful hearts!
They are exactly who we need for this thread and would be very welcome!

As a man...how crazy do you think the TF concept is?
We never get a guys perspective...I know youve found your happiness and would never think of anything else.

I'm not asking you personally about this topic. I'm wondering as you read our posts regarding these relationships...what do you think is going on here, from a mans perspective?

posted July 07, 2014 11:34 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
I will pull together all the information on Medusa and Perseus again! ...

Like indigo so beautifully illustrated with the butterfly.....after a TF relationship has worked it magic and turned you inside out, and you worked to put yourself back together, you will not just change a little bit hear n there....you will be a completely different creature. You will no longer need to crawl because you will be ready to open your new found wings and fly! ...

---

You really, truly will.

Something definitely changed after Fate and I got back in contact -- something on a deep, intrinsic level. I remember that I'd actually dreamt of him, almost in passing, the following night -- even though I hadn't for months. Even after seeing him -- I still hadn't dreamt of him. Strange!

But once we actually apologised to each other, had a real conversation -- a few of them -- and got back on better footing, something fundamentally changed. The fear was gone, and the anger lifted. I don't find myself paranoid and anxious, concerning myself with why he may not be responding to something I've said, or done. And he always does -- just a bit later.

I have the understanding now, the clear knowledge, that he knows I'm there if he needs me. Ohh, he's going to do his best to soldier on using nothing but his own mettle -- but I'd expect nothing less. We've chatted a bit back and forth since, but he's mostly been lying low, handling some important things going down right now. I know when he needs a bit of cheering -- or well-intentioned needling -- do that, and then step back.

I did have a strange thought, late last night as I was drifting to sleep -- that I had no genuine concept of Twin Flames at all, or even grasp of whether it exists. I can only go off of bizarre evidence that would seem to suggest it.

But no longer the stirrings in my own heart.

I just don't have that passionate, obsessive drive to connect with him anymore. A sense of heartbreak and devastation, if we should never have the sort of powerful relationship it would seem we're meant to. I definitely want to get writing with him again at some point, and do my sophomore series with him. It's important -- essential, I'll even say -- that we're in each other's lives in some significant fashion; in contact. Not doing the estrangement and avoidance thing.

But beyond that?

It's possible I've buried my emotions again, but I've been able to keep my heart open this time. I've been able to love him with a pure and open heart, rather than fear. I never felt possessive, but I couldn't not ALSO be in his life in an intimate way.

I'm not sure why I don't have that need anymore. It's as if, on some level, I know that nobody is ever going to come even remotely close to what we have, or what we've done together. We've proved that to each other by overcoming the sorts of obstacles often only found in fictional tales -- the likes of which must be fabricated, because NOBODY in their right minds would ever STILL be here -- after ALL THAT!

But we are. And, I guess, in a strange way, that in and of itself is enough.

I felt lost and disconnected because of the way there was so much pain and frustration -- avoidance -- 'on the line'. We're not running from each other anymore. We're living our lives, and making future plans where appropriate. And for now, being in the background here seems to be enough. Because I can feel the connexion stronger than ever -- or I'm just more familiar with it now, and know what I'm feeling, or what to 'look for'.

For me, the absence of that fear and obsessive need -- at first scared me -- even though it's what the relationship with my Guardian is meant to teach me: to love without fear. Trust without fear of betrayal. Love deeply but freely. Honestly. Without preconceived notions and trying to 'fit' any particular mold or idea.

Fate and I clearly don't, and yet, that doesn't frighten me anymore. It's difficult to articulate.

I think if Twins are out of contact for disharmonious reasons -- running, or unable to deal with the nature of the relationship at that point in time, for whatever reason -- it'll drag you down, wear on you, until you confront it. Until you establish SOME sort of harmony and truly reopen the connexion.

Until that point, it's an obsessive, draining, complicated, troublesome state. And it's not in the least worth it, either! I can't believe I took as long as I had -- but, hey, we all live and learn in our time.

posted July 08, 2014 12:41 AM            

After reading your post im really happy I still have a connection with him, he's really a good soul.
Although I feel if we ever seriously reconnected we would pretty much have to start over, I'm not sure what would bond us now? Was my pain all that he was holding on for?
Im a completely different person....i was beyond broken when we met. I was crushed into dust and starting to blow away! Even though I'll always be tweeking myself to try to be better or my best...I don't feel that way blown away or broken anymore. I don't know if he'd like me anymore! Lol

The first night when we met he asked me all these questions about my life and got me to talk about things that I didn't talk about, it hurt. I'd never shared some of these things with anyone and I broke down crying, and that was something that bonded him to me.
He loved being there for me, wiping my tears and being my champion.
What would he do with me if I wasn't falling apart?
I just want to focus on me, grow my business and let my life fall into place. I think I just noticed my wings!
I'm not thinking about moving his direction, well actually I might have to move to his area, but not for him for work...in a few years though, not right now.
I don't really see how we would reconnect again the roles would have to be completely different because I can't be the broken one anymore! Lol

I'm so happy you are having a good experience... I hope it grows! You just might be the 1st TF that we have seen blossom into an eternal flame! That would be amazing!

If you don't mind how long did you guys go back n forth before your relationship started to level out?