posted July 06, 2014 11:57 PM            

Feeling good about myself or proud sometimes feels like im being bad! I'm getting a big head and thinking I'm something special when I'm not...I swear I can feel my dad grabbing my ear and nearly yanking it off because I looked to happy or content for a second. Who was I to think I could be happy when everyone was suffering, he always made sure I was suffering to, he didn't like if we were proud of something we accomplished he thought it was the look of arrogance like we(me n my brothers) thought we were special or something.
One time my real dad actually came to see us, he bought me a strawberry shortcake nightgown with slippers.
I was excited to wear it, nobody ever bought just ME something. I walked I to the living room with the biggest smile, I was so proud!!
He knocked me to the floor and said, oh you think your special....something big n better than the rest of us? He made me to go back to the room and take it off n bring it out to him. So I did, I was 4 or 5 maybe.....he immediately gave it to my step sister, his biological daughter and she put it on and walked around with her nose in the air. But he loved her...so he thought it was cute, she could do anything she wanted.
So I struggle if I start to feel proud of myself or express things I know...it makes me fear the fall. When everyone going to shut me down and tell me I'm worthless or I'm selfish n God hates me for being proud of myself or feeling confident....

Expressing myself and being proud of myself for what I've learned is followed by guilt and feeling like I'm just a stupid lil girl I don't have anything special, I'm not special and I could never have something to offer.
But at least I'm seeing it now and I'm fighting these feelings now, but it's still so hard! I delete stuff sometimes when it feels to personal or a new idea and nobody says anything...it makes me feel like I've went too far and I'm about to be put in my place!! Lol

The more success, the more I feel like I'm appreciated and an equal person to others the closer this fear gets to my surface for me to deal with.

I'm still very insecure about sharing my thoughts or what I've learned and what I sense...I'm so used to it being shot down or told I'm wrong, it hard to put myself out there.
Sometimes I just want to erase everything I've every said and go back to being anonymous, a nobody! It safer that way, hiding who you are so nobody knows you and can tell you your worthless...because they don't have enough information about you to be able to say that.
Thats why I tend to want to erase everything, I am putting my foot out there to see how I'm responded to because honestly I'm trying to find a new foundation of belief about myself. I need to feel what it feels like to be proud of myself, like I do have something to contribute...but I still get scared and wonder if I'm being delusional by thinking that.

Maybe that's the downside of having Neptune conjunct Sun and Merc in the 3rd(at least 1 downside, there are others to,lol) your solid foundation of self esteem or "I AM" is built on Neptune!! That is some very unstable grounds!! If nobody taught you to believe in yourself and trust yourself/intuition...your lost!!
I'm trying to be re-found!! sorry I get jumpy and want to hide.

Honestly have some amazing things happening in my work and it's triggered huge feelings like I don't deserve anything good...and everytime I started to feel good or safe, it was followed by something really bad...

I work with a lady who reads energy and she is trying to get me to accept I don't need to be ashamed or feel I'm being self centered for allowing myself to move towards happiness...me feeling happiness is not normally the trigger for your life being ripped out from underneath you, in the real world! It was in my world...and since that's all I knew, it's been a struggle.
I feel like I've been a caged dog for years and someone has finally opened my cage to let me free but every time I poke my head out and see the light of day I get scared and run back into the protection of my prison.
I'm explaining this because it's making me feel very vulnerable and I need to learn it's ok....there isn't any body anymore that is going to rip me to pieces for wanting to be a person to, with actual thoughts and opinions they express. I have stories to. I think I deserve to be a part of life, at least I hope I do.
I've had many many years of hardly talking at all..at first because that's how I was raised, then I didn't talk because I thought nobody would want to hear me, what could I possibly have to say?? But the good part of it all is...do you know how much you can learn if your always just listening and watching, never actively involved, just a spectator taking it all in?? You learn a lot!

posted July 07, 2014 01:03 AM            

You DESERVE to be heard.
You SHOULD express yourself.

posted July 07, 2014 01:25 AM            

One, I can tell you that I really enjoy your posts, of all kinds. Maybe it's me also having Neptune in the 3rd. I don't know. But I feel like we travel in the same boat you know? Like, "Yeah! I totally get that!" You come across very level headed and intelligent. There's no reason to second guess your posts.

posted July 07, 2014 01:27 AM            

I'll get it...I've just stepped up and onto a new road leading to a better place. So right now I'm unsteady and trying to get my footing, it's 2 steps forward 1 step back!

posted July 07, 2014 01:48 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Thank you so much!!!
I do know I shouldn't feel like this...it was the way I was raised and I'm working hard on getting rid of all the residue of pain, but it's funny how every time I think I'm really moving ahead as soon as my life starts to reflect or manifest my progress, I deal with guilt and fear a things change. It's much harder to get healthy than it is to just stay stuck. It's what is unknown that terrifies us, and if pain is all you've known, not hurting is what is so scary to you. It's something new you must slowly adjust to, that's why most abused woman are not attracted to loving men. They are more scared of being happy then they are of being hurt.

I'll get it...I've just stepped up and onto a new road leading to a better place. So right now I'm unsteady and trying to get my footing, it's 2 steps forward 1 step back!

I will try to check into at astrology 2.0 more, i used to hang out over there a lot!

---

Have you ever watched the movie, "Shawshank Redemption"? I love that movie.
It's these guys in prison back in the 40's to the 60's. One guy has been in there like... 50 years. Gets out. He hadn't even seen an automobile before. He was so overwhelmed that he hung himself.
Morgan Freeman's character had the same thoughts. They had gotten used to prison. "Institutionalized" they called it.

I get what you are saying completely. Like me wearing a suit and tie when I'm used to wearing t-shirts. I may very well look nice... handsome. But it just feels funny.

I've had to get over a lot of "roadblocks" that I put up for myself because I was fully adjusted to feeling how I did. As I tested the waters and stuck myself out there into this "new world" it became more and more natural. I still struggle sometimes honestly, but I'm getting there.

Just keep "Practicing".

I think this is all a very normal thing. Sometimes you have to duck back into your "safe place" for a little bit. Take some breaths, and get back out there.

If you want, you or any of us can make a thread in Hearth and Home. A little quieter and relaxed place to talk than is Sweat Peas. Might be a good option.

posted July 07, 2014 03:13 AM            

I grew up so isolated and taught anyone not practicing the same religion as my family, they were part of Satans world. They were going to try to drag you away from God, and then you'd die with all of the bad ppl when God came and killed everyone. I was very shy and afraid to talk to ppl....I never knew anything different, I wasnt allowed to be exposed to anything else. Plus my step dad was beyond evil. I was terrified to breath to hard around him. So when I was 25 and seeing what happened to me was starting to happen to my children I took off in the middle of the night with my 2 little babies....went across the country with $175.00 because I couldn't let it happen to them.
It's funny now, but omg...I didn't have a clue! I was so naive and still terrified of ppl. I had just lost the only life I'd ever known and I didn't realize it but I was brainwashed to.
My ex had to hire someone to find us. Sometimes I don't know how we made it through!
I'm finally happy....10 years later, after a lot of falling on my face! I still struggle but like you said, we are all dealing with something. Maybe it's all my saggy, I'm sure it's what has kept me bouncing back most the time. The quickest way to learn how to swim is to jump into the ocean and I did!
But...it was so worth it because my kids have never been abused, they celebrate birthdays, and holidays, they have friends, they listen to music and watch TV...they cannot quote the 65% of the bible from memory like their mom....and I'm so happy they can't, it means they have had a life!
We have never stepped foot into another church, well except one Easter when my daughter wanted to see what it was like to celebrate Easter in the traditional way. I still don't know how to celebrate holidays...sometimes I think I know what it feels like to be a foreigner.....I don't get or understand so many of traditions everyone else is sick of and takes for granted by the time they are an adult. I'm trying to learn about them though.
I didn't even realize I was born on Thanksgiving day until i was 30! Nobody told me!! Thanksgiving was just another day and my birthday was just another day....I don't even remember taking notice of the day on my birthday as a child, nobody did for anyone.
If ppl had birthday parties at school I was sent to sit in the hallway until it was over! Yes I was that kid!
Why would I want to talk to ppl all they would have done is make fun of me anyway...it was easier to just stay quiet and to myself, plus I was taught to be afraid of them and I was!
I don't hold anything against church's, they all have a purpose and some ppl need them, even the one that I was raised in.
I just don't like how many churches chose to use fear to manipulate ppl and they are hypocritical(allow abuse as long as it's kept hush hush)...that's not loving and not godly at all! If God is love, they are not of the same energy as God!
Took me a long time to realize I didn't need to forgive God, or to get right with him. God never left me! What I was taught was God was not God, not even close!! For years I'd look up in the sky wondering when Armageddon was going to come and God would finally let his ppl find some peace and happiness....well I guess that peace would come after we'd cleaned up all the evil ppl's dead bodies. Gross!!
Lol, I can't believe I fell for that! Now, it's embarrassing to admit the absurd things I believed! If only my head would have been working!

posted July 07, 2014 03:24 AM            

But you've got so much heart, wisdom, and compassion. You're going to be fine -- better than that. You've got all you need.

posted July 07, 2014 03:28 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
No! QUIT DELETING THINGS.

You DESERVE to be heard.
You SHOULD express yourself.

No need to delete anything!

---

posted July 07, 2014 03:36 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Astro keen:
Gabby, I wrote to you. Also see update in @ Gabby thread in Asteroids. Found some interesting biblical asteroid aspects. But am unclear about meanings.

---

posted July 07, 2014 03:41 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
... I don't know, I guess its like I dont totally believe I deserve better or deserve to think I an worth something and ppl value me. It feels like if I see myself like that then I'm being self centered at least that's what I was taught to believe.

---

That's the classic way that our history keeps us down. Textbook. We allow the litany of ghosts to echo in our heads like a dysfunctional mantra. Put something else in its place. Like Elton John's 'Recover Your Soul'; that's good in a pinch.

Relax. Release. Let go.
And hey, now --
Let's recover
Your soul.

We all have to battle those monsters. It's, in part, how we reclaim our power. Ourselves. Our essence.

Sometimes that OPHELIA-PHILOMELA seems to have the loudest voice. It doesn't. Ours are ALWAYS stronger and resonant.

Those things weren't true then, and they have no place in your life now. I think that was a wonderful purification ritual you shared with me a week or so back, when I was REALLY feeling lost.

Maybe it's time to do a bit more cleansing?

posted July 07, 2014 03:48 AM            

I've related ideas and personal experiences on here and have sometimes been vilified for doing so, but I don't give in to the people here who'd like to have me quiet down to appease their insecurity. Or their differing opinion. Or their bad day. Or their psychosis. Or their experience. Or their whatever.
Or even out in the world. Someone last year walked up to me and was basically offended because they thought I "walked like I owned the place." I wonder if I were a man would they still have made that comment.
But still. Really?
My point is people are weird. Very weird. And they're going to be weird regardless <<my opinion, including myself, everyone has their moments<<

I'm so sorry your dad was so disturbed and took it out on you. I can see how that could affect an impressionable kid. Growing up I was made to feel that I didn't have a voice so in some ways I feel what you're going through.

To find yourself, to go through life, at some point we realize that risk is involved. If we want to be close, or to connect, theres a risk involved in being vulnerable, but you can't get your end result without that first step as you know. I mean someone could have come in here and tried to effectively smash you due to their whatever (as mentioned above) but nothing of the sort happened. In contrast to the last time this happened to me, if you want a link i will post because its pure hilarity, and the thread still continued.

I would hope that you can grow to the point where you would wait for evidence of what you fear (which will likely happen eventually, like it does to pretty much everyone whether they fear it or not) before contemplating pulling back. And I hope after contemplation you would instead focus on the connections you are making, however you intend or go about that.

This sort of reminds me of a series of conversations I had with my daughter last year. She had a difficult time in school when there were children who didn't like her: she has this idea of "why can't everyone be friends" (aqua neptune on asc, uranus in 1st) and last year she started to notice cliques. Nevermind the fact that she has 8 girls in her own little group with their shared interests, when it's not unheard of for some children to have no friends at all. There were about 4 girls that wouldn't be part of her group no matter what, and apparently actively worked to keep the groups separate. I advised "pay attention to the kids who treat you well, who want to be around you." These girls are so close they coordinate their outfits to look like twins. For her it simply ended up being a matter of what she focused on thankfully (could've been worse), but she definitely had to train herself to shift her attention.

My Asc progresses to Virgo in Sept and if I could give you my Leo Asc the way it functions Gabby I would. You deserve better than your past because it sounds like sometimes your past doesn't give you a chance.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
and if pain is all you've known, not hurting is what is so scary to you

---

I'm glad you left your recent posts on here long enough for people to read them, because as you can see I have plenty of thoughts on the matter. However I did miss your original posts. When I clicked on the thread to read it today they were gone. I don't usually comment on twin flame matters but I think that's besides the point here because you've brought something else to attention.

posted July 07, 2014 03:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:

Thank you!! Your seriously one of the most supportive ppl I've ever met! I need to stop being so sensitive and over thinking everything, that's a virgo moon working hard!

---

I try to help everyone see their potential; those that have an inner light bring out the more forceful side of my personality. I can't let them do anything but shine. You have SUCH an inner light, Gabby; I know exactly what you're going through, though. I know the pattern.

The chrysalis breaks down the caterpillar completely -- into nothing but a formless mass of cells and raw material. We used to think it just huddled tight within the cocoon, preparing to re-emerge -- now we know differently.

It transforms at the base level.

There's nothing left that was the caterpillar as it prepares to become a butterfly. Its entire nature must change -- its skeleton must become reinforced, while remaining flexible, to support the addition of wings. No longer will it crawl upon the earth, but take to the sky, ensconced in a bright, beautiful banner of patterned colour.

We can only imagine what the psyche must be undergoing on some level. But it's a basic fact of its existence; it's evolutionarily hardwired to endure transformation at the most intrinsic level.

But here's the kicker.

So are we.

The human race, once armed with the knowledge of its roots in spirit, our 'celestial history', is designed for transmutation. We're made to remember the light of our love, and to cast aside the illusion of duality. To take to the sky, by growing our own wings to allow us to take flight.

posted July 07, 2014 04:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Honestly, Gabby? I think you nailed it -- to the wall -- with your explanation of the transits we're going through. This isn't easy stuff. There's a LOT of change, rerouting, revising, and finding new self definition.

But you've got so much heart, wisdom, and compassion. You're going to be fine -- better than that. You've got all you need.

Just shine.

---

OMG!! I forgot about our transits! Right now, on top of Mars sitting on my Venus and Anti-Vertex, opposed my Chiron...transit Pluto is squaring my libra Pluto, a few degrees off my AC...square my aries Jupiter
Uranus is conjunct my aries Jupiter, so I'm playing lotto everyday
I feel so out of whack lately, just really unsteady and up n down. I'm just so happy transit Mars is direct again!

The day retrograde transit libra Mars hit my libra Pluto, transit cap Pluto squared my Pluto, and that lovely little transit aries Uranus t-squared it....that was terrible!!!

My Pluto/Sado/Deprez/AC with rx libra Mars passing over it...
While my aries Anubis opposed my Pluto had transit Uranus sitting on it.
My cap Eros/Valentine had transit Pluto sitting on it. Together in that t-square, pretty much it was saying "No love for you! And try not to die!"

That was seriously very tough for a few days... I knew it was coming though and I had prepared for it. I was keeping myself preoccupied and making sure there were ppl around, that helped.
I asked iQ, before it hit, if that would be considered an aspect to open a window to death, he never gave me a straight answer. Lol
I was particularly careful, actually I ended not driving for a few days, got rides to and from work.
It's odd how you can be someone who never would consider suicide and a transit can trigger it....I started having dreams about it. Then shortly after a friend of mine, she lost a family member, they committed suicide. It was everywhere for a few days to a week and then it passed and I have not heard another word about it since or had any dreams.

posted July 07, 2014 04:53 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by geminigal2805:
Gabby! Why would u think like this? Sweetheart even though i dont know u all that well, i have read some of ur threads n you come across as a very giving person. U r amazing! Im surprised u think u dont deserve the best.Why shouldnt u deserve THE BEST? Dont put yourself down! More than us believing in you , you must believe in you, how good you are as a person.
N u write so beautifully, in the most loving away. What u convey comes together so nicely. U have a gift Gabby, dont keep it away from us.
This is my opinion- Wish u would participate actively in the general forum astro2.0

---

Your so sweet!! Thank you!
I will try to find my way over astro 2.0 more!

posted July 07, 2014 05:02 AM            

As Lonake suggested!

quote:

---

I try to help everyone see their potential; those that have an inner light bring out the more forceful side of my personality.......

---

posted July 07, 2014 05:33 AM            

Thank you... I hadn't really thought about all the different ppl just reading, maybe not even registered! It's hard to get out of your own head at times and think about those things.

I'm sorry ppl made you feel bad when you expressed yourself. Your right ppl are weird and if it's just the right moment they will give you a dose of their issues, they are good about catching you me in my vulnerable moments.

To me when ppl are vulnerable I just want to protect them even that much more, I think vulnerability is beautiful because it's so real and rare. Well except when it me, then it's wrong! Lol(double standard maybe?)

Most ppl walk around with walls like Fort Knox to protect them. But just as much as they are keeping the pain out they are keeping the good out to, and there is no way to purge plus pain if you refuse to be open enough to learn something new. That's what I'm struggling with right now, allowing myself to be vulnerable again.

Its takes a much stronger person to be vulnerable than it does to be hard! I guess that why I love ppl who can show that soft mushy sweet side. They are strong enough to show their vulnerable places and know if you hurt them they will be ok, but they trust that you won't....trust is a gift only the strong can give.
I want to become stronger, I have such a hard time trusting....love and pain always seem to walk hand in hand(Venus opposed Chiron) I hope someday I figure out how to turn that opposition into an aspect that will compliment each other.

Please post the thread I'd love to read that!

posted July 07, 2014 06:03 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by maira:
Gabby! What happened? I read your post on the other thread and then this one only diagonally - it was late in my country. They were good posts, I've been meaning to comment on the other thread that you may be on to something. It's what preoccupies me lately, the meaning behind these encounters. I never believed in the notion of twinflames, but the stories are too similar to mine, and now I half way accepted that this was my experience too. But why? Why would destiny bring such a person in your life and then take them away? I don't believe that anything is random, and your explanation was good.

Could you re-post what you wrote?

---

I will pull together all the information on Medusa and Perseus again!
I do think the TF are meant to get so deep into us that they expose us to the dark ugliness inside that needs to purged before we can move on in our souls evolution.

The shield Perseus carries allows him to see Medusa without turning to stone, through a reflection of her instead of directly looking at her. Once he can see her hr can destroy her.

A TF is our reflection, the love and feelings go so deep and as you open yourself that deep you can expose other things hidden....that twin becomes a catalyst to change as you see come to see things inside you that you didn't realize were there. Somehow they being you on contact with the ugliness inside you but they are also a protection...if we were to see the darkness not reflected through the relationship we would not be able to handle it, that's we pushed it so far down, we were terrified of dealing with it. When pain has overcome someone to the point they can't deal anymore, they harden up, turn to stone!
But our twin can reflect the deepest things in us but it's softened, I guess by their love or the love we are deep inside that is also being reflected back to us.

They are not giving us anything we can't give ourself, we just have to be open to it. So they come along and open us up. Their job is done! It's up to you to learn how to give yourself what that person have you as a template or a place to start....it's not about the relationship it's about what the relationship showed you about yourself.

I don't know if we are meant to actually be with our TF....or if they are only meant to be there long enough that your driven to see the pain you were in and how much it was harming you.
Possibly it's different for everyone?
I think the Twin Flame is called that because it reflects and it burns, it hurts and a of it is pat of the process that changes us forever.

Like indigo so beautifully illustrated with the butterfly.....after a TF relationship has worked it magic and turned you inside out, and you worked to put yourself back together, you will not just change a little bit hear n there....you will be a completely different creature. You will no longer need to crawl because you will be ready to open your new found wings and fly!

I'll get the asteroids, fixed stars, mythology and interp back up for you.

posted July 07, 2014 08:01 AM            

You never know how you are affecting people. I was thinking of your comment on Indigo's TF thread all day yesterday, part of which was addressed to me, even though I wasn't on the computer. Thinking about how one love changes you and makes it hard to love again...how brutally true that is.

It was such a busy weekend, though...I just glanced over your comment, thanked you in my mind, and looked forward to reading it more carefully and replying when I got time.

Now I see it's gooooooone!

Well I can't really complain when I delete many of my comments as well, for pretty much the same reasons you listed, though my childhood was different.

But I agree with everyone here...you are always interesting and I love your comments. Keep posting, your bravery is inspiring!!!