posted October 07, 2015 10:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:
Wow! I think the fact you all have EROS conjunct VALENTINE is a huge clue.

And, actually, I've written extensively how he made me feel. As it's that guy. My 'false twin', as it were. So, yes, he did prompt me to behave in an incredibly uncharacteristic fashion.

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Oh wow....it's that guy?? Now I understand!

posted October 08, 2015 12:50 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Gabby:
Oh wow....it's that guy?? Now I understand!

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Exactly. I was just hanging on so vainly; any time that he would reeeeel me back in, and I'd go. Ugh; like I was hooked on a lure. My boyfriend was patient, and understanding, but didn't comprehend it at all. Instead, he's watching me get sucked into this emotional abuser's desperate game -- the only thing he can manage in a 'relationship' -- over and over and over again. The only 'defence' he has being his genuine love for me.

I'll never forget the time when it really started -- since the point 'my ex' had become 'honest' with me, and we were developing a show together. He was finally 'sharing feelings' with me ... about another woman! Apparently, his coworker -- whom he'd been enamoured of FOR A YEAR. I was furious AND crushed. Turns out, he'd 'only wanted me to talk him out of it' -- and remind him that he isn't capable of a relationship, and not to sweat her getting a boyfriend.

Instead, I lost it; saying how I was sick of never being able to ask what was up with us, and that I 'should just know' and have this kind of BS happen. I was both crushed and furious.

What a mess.

Meanwhile, I was helping my boyfriend with an audition. This was about a year before we got back together, but our friendship had remained solid in the interim. We stayed close -- as close as a person is capable with him, sans being intimate. (Something I only learnt later, by having an actual intimate relationship.) As I'm literally crying into the pasta I'm preparing for us for lunch (or trying not to), he says, in essence, if it's any consolation, he loves me very much, and believes I'm an exceptional woman.

It was almost like that awkward moment where the best guy friend tries to help the heroine feel better, as she's presently sobbing over the hero, currently being a jerk. It was complicated. Rather than having the sense of not 'thinking of him that way', I was suddenly reminded of where the hell our relationship had gone -- and why. But he clearly had his reasons for letting it fade -- but not downright ending it. And, well, my ex-producing partner had appeared just in the nick of time to steal my attention away from even considering why -- or realising it had happened!

But it remains among the most thoughtful and genuine things in my memory of that time. I was as appreciative as I felt, and then excused myself to read my -- soon-to-be-ex partner -- the riot act. He recorded his audition. We didn't discuss anything more of it after that.

It would actually take until the following March -- so, 6 months later -- for me to truly reexamine those feelings. I'd worked through the bulk of things, and no longer felt that my ex could 'get to me' -- really, I was just angry, and feeling used and abused. Even more to the point, how I'd been sure that I'd dealt with -- and moved on -- from those feelings, all the way back in 2008!

And there it was. The realisation that maybe I'd done the same with my boyfriend. That our relationship hadn't just run its course, leading everything to fade away, and to land us in that 'peaceful aftermath' when the passion has left, and a comforting friendship remains. I used to be 'protected' from the sorts of complications that arise from desiring one that doesn't desire you; if they didn't clearly have an attraction to me, I never felt one to them, either. I forget what it's called, but it's a legitimate behaviour. Often seen along the asexuality spectrum.

But with him, the feelings were just buried. It had all been so painful, and tragic-feeling, and we'd slipped into the role of best friends -- complete with my being in love (or thinking I was) with another man. But, looking back, I should've seen through his supportive statements. I should have seen the tightness in his jaw as he wished me luck -- or felt the stiffness in his hand, as he placed it upon my knee, looking clearly in my eyes, saying, to follow my bliss -- but make sure I don't get pregnant.

posted October 08, 2015 10:25 AM            

I find it unteresting that almost all your posts are about these guys, never just about you and your chart alone, do you identify with who you are, alone?
Even though you seem very intellectually involved with them, in your personal life you keep from actually becoming "one" with them which would be fully emotionally opening up to them and letting them in you.