posted February 17, 2005 09:29 AM         

Steve, the tru beauty and power inside you is of compassion, of love and a thirst for the true knowledge. Your innate curiosity, your piercing intelligence and your strong will cannot be appeased by the mundane. I feel, more than anything, you need to find the courage to accept the uniqueness in you, the strength it bestows you with and the freedom it craves to find its true calling.

You need to find your star and then gather all your courage and inner strength to escape the bounds you set for yourself and follow it across the heavens

The reason you cannot find it in you to be creative is because true creativity and imagination demand freedom, and that too an independance in the true sense of the world - not only from the forces that bind you from the outside but also from the demons that hold you back within

Just my bit of pseudo analysis - an interesting read if nothing else but I couldnt just let this go!

posted February 17, 2005 10:03 AM         

In any event, I like your quirky style and wish you luck.

posted February 17, 2005 11:35 AM         

Heart-Shaped Cross,....North Andover,... that's where my Dad grew up!

posted February 17, 2005 12:24 PM         

geminstone - Hey, Sorry to hear about your Dad. No need to apologize for bringing it up - it makes perfect sense, if he grew up in my town. I hope he's doing well, and that you are both taking this with a grain of sugar (as they dont say). Life is full of these sorts of things, but, as you're learning, it ultimately serves to remind us of how much we truly do love one another.

maya - thanks, dollface. You know, I really think I'm learning to be myself more lately - to allow myself to be myself, I mean. I've got a lot of fixed energy in my chart, and I'm beginning to honor myself like I know I have to, by not listening to anyone, ever!! - lol! Seriously. "The eagle never lost so much time as when he submitted to learn from the crow." (native american proverb) I've been an eagle (perchance a phoenix) listening to crows my whole life. F-That!

I'm not referring of you, here, - you are clearly not a crow, - just to your comments on following my heart. Still, one astrologer said that people with strong Mars/Merc connections (I have a 1° Conjunction in the 10th) know their minds so well that it is almost comical for them to have to submit to psychoanalysis from others. Pile on a lot of fixed energy, and my mind is as closed as a book (one thats closed -- lol -- and has already been written). Your comments are inspiring, though, because they appeal directly to my spirit, and dont seek so much to influence my thinking. Thank you for that.

posted February 17, 2005 12:56 PM         

We have some tie-ins:

1. I used to teach and coach gymnastics at Medford HS - so know your area pretty well.
2. I have a son born Nov. 6, 1979. He has had addiction problems, too. Doing okay now.

You remind me of him - he is dealing with a lot of the same stuff.

You write beautifully. Maybe work on your own. You don't always need training or an education to be happy or to be successful. You could write. It is okay to live at home for now. Maybe you could use this time in your life - when you are free of financial responsibilities - to write. Writing is therapeutic. Your writing could lead to income.

KEY

posted February 17, 2005 12:58 PM         

My son is WAY better than you are at manipulation.

posted February 17, 2005 01:05 PM         

Thanks. Honestly, though, I cannot force myself to write. I write only what comes. I think I have a lot to learn before I'm ready to write a book or something. There's a wide line between knowing how to say something, and having something to say. In the words of Bob Dylan, "I'll know my song well before I start singing." But, yeah, i think I definitely have to work - if not learn - on my own (Uranus CLOSELY conjunct MC).

posted February 17, 2005 01:08 PM         

As a last restort, and without telling us, he joined the NAVY. He is out now and an entirely different person. Didn't kill him - but sort of cured him. When you get consequences and are not allowed to manipulate, you stop doing it. Also, my son was around many different types of people - not everyone has a family and home to fall back on! My son started to view himself and his life differently. More responsible - and starting looking out for HIMSELF. Stopped feeling sorry for himself.

He lived with us when he first got out of the navy. He now owns his own condo, and has a good job - he received training in the navy, as well.

Not suggesting you join the navy, but suggesting that you quit whining and start taking responsibility for yourself. No more excuses.

I am pulling for you!

posted February 17, 2005 01:13 PM         

Any way, I want to whisk you past some of these problems. Don't mean to sound harsh. Can't help but like you. Adore my son.

posted February 17, 2005 01:19 PM         

HELP YOURSELF!!!! That is my message. He used to get up at 4:00 am to give a friend a ride somewhere, and then go back to bed and not wake up for his own job. (Years ago)

Also, write about what you know best! Maybe you could keep a journal about your thoughts and feelings. You could turn it into some kind of self-help book. I would have bought (and did) any of these books that could have helped me help my son. Of course, I finally figured out it was all up to HIM - not me.

posted February 17, 2005 01:35 PM         

Quess you can tell that all of this is dragging up lots of different feeling and emotions (in me).

I just re-read some of my posts. I sound crazed. First I tell you it is okay to live at home; then, I tell you to take responsibility for yourself.

Lots of conflicting feelings I have about this (obviously!). Best to probably ignore my emotional outbursts. This all just hits close to home (literally).

My cousin committed suicide years ago - drugs, depression, etc. Not cool. His siblings and parents have never ever recovered and never will. It was the most extraordinarily selfish act that he could ever have committed. Just erase those thoughts from your mind - permanently.

On a positive note, you are so young!! You don't know what is next in your life - who you will meet, what opportunities might be coming up!! Bad stuff happens. Good stuff happens, too.

KEY

posted February 17, 2005 01:48 PM         

Get a project going around the house to help your parents out. Paint a room? Something like that.

Get a job, even a minimum wage job. A book store?

KEY AGAIN

posted February 17, 2005 02:26 PM         

You are too precious, love, to waste your life deciding who you want to be. I hope you go out there and shoot all the arrows in your quiver soon enough ... or break for the wild like the free, wild horse you are!

Love

Maya

posted February 17, 2005 05:34 PM         

I can totally relate to your impulsivity. I do the same thing. Also, I'm glad you apologized for the "whining" remark, as it kind of messed with me. But, whatever, maybe it is exactly what I needed to hear. You mentioned a lot of things, and I want you to know that I'm considering everything you said, but, that my thought processes are often very private, and I have nothing to add to your comments just yet - only want you to know that I'm not dismissing them.
Good to hear that your son is doing well. It is a common thing with generous people to forget how to receive in their turn. If he has learned this lesson, I think he's well on his way to becoming a serious force for good in this world - even more so than he already is.
take care

Maya - Gosh! I like you more and more, with every powerful word you send me. I hope there is someone in your private life who sees how amazing you are and tells you often. Your kid is probably going to be the next Hercules.

Love
Steve
((HUGS!!!!!!!))

posted February 17, 2005 06:11 PM         

I am merely a mirror that reflects the brilliance and beauty of the world around me. With you, the brilliance only gets multiplied manifold.

I am not the one to use words very efficiently to express the entire span of my emotions, so I am paraphrasing Linda ....

The Planets

we've fought a long and bitter war, my Twin Self and I
lost and lonely, fallen angels - exiled
from a misty, long forgotten Oober galaxy of stars

caught in Neptune's tangled web
wounded cruelly by the painful thrust of Mars
tortured by the clever lies of Mercury

shocked and nearly torn asunder
by Vulcan's distant, raging thunder
shattered by the lightning
of the sudden awful violence of Uranus

crushed beneath the weight of stern, unyielding Saturn
who lengthened every hour into a day ... each day into a year
each year ... into milleniums of waiting

scorched by the Sun's exploding bursts of
pride as those wandering angels, stilled and helpless deep within us, cried
still we fought on, in unrelenting fury

striking blow for blow
driven by the pounding drums of Jupiter's giant, throbbing passions
stumbling at the precipice of the Moon's enticing madness

to fall, at last, in trembling fear
before the ominous threat of Pluto's tomb like silence
consumed by inconsolable sadness
and the bleakness of despair

we bear ...

the wounds and scars of furious battle, my Twin Self and I

but now we will walk in quiet peace ... with all our scattered pieces whole
together, hand in hand ... full serpent circle
back into the pyramid shaped rainbow of tomorrow's bright Eden
crowned by gentle Venus with the Victory of Love

posted February 18, 2005 12:31 AM         

20/20 hindsight is a b*tch...
I am mortified every time I re-read that email.
I dont know if it was courageous, masochistic, or impetuous,
when I posted it here for all to see.
Maybe its all of the above.

Maya, you seem so wise, and I am such a fool.

posted February 18, 2005 03:50 AM         

And no, I dont think it is a mistake to post the email here. I think it took real Jovan courage to do that - to bare your heart to your friends and ask them to help you with one of the bravest thing you have probably ever done.

I think you are really strong where it matters the most - in trusting someone with your heart and emotions and being strong enough to let others see your weaknesses as well as they see your moments of might.

I think you won half the battle when you decided to come to your friends in LL to ask for their opinion - that means you are comfortable enough with yourself to share it with the people you respect and care for. And the overwhelmingly loving response you got is proof enough, though not one bit less deserved - that you are special and precious, that people love you and respect you and that you will belong no matter which motley group of humanitarians you choose to belong to.

posted February 18, 2005 04:26 AM         

I was on vacation in the mountains with my family. It was our last trip to my favorite little town, as we were moving after that. I loved the place, because only there could I feel so close to nature and so at one with my element, so I was sad.

I left for the first of my many solitary hikes and pondered the complications any new teenager has. Suddenly I heard a piercing scream. And then I saw it - the most beautiful and touching sight ever. There was this huge and beautiful mountain eagle - injured in the wing. It tried, fruitlessly, to get back on its feet and wailed in frustrated agony when it couldnt. And then I saw a young mountain girl, one of the locals, come to its rescue. She fearlessly gathered up the bird and took it away to her small cottage nearby. Within a few days, she had nursed it back to health and set it free again.

Needless to say, you remind me of that bird, so fragile, so vulnerable and yet so proud and strong.

They say Adonis was abandoned at birth because no one could see past his shady origins; no one except Persephone, the wife of Hades, also known as Pluto. I think loving someone everyone hated and feared gave her the capability to see beyond the faults to the amazing passion for justice her husband had. Same way the little girl could see past the talons and beak to the proud, strong and unbreakable spirit of that wild bird.

Love

Maya