posted May 28, 2007 12:06 PM         

So HSC, at the risk of asking a very cliche question, how are you? (don't you dare say "I'm ok" ).

You don't know this but I read some of your posts here and there around lindaland, and they are a pleasure to read because I think you've very different aka unique aka interesting perspectives to a situation which always makes me question myself.

posted May 30, 2007 03:35 PM         

Thank you.

How am I? I'm very moody, but right now I'm in an okay mood. That should last another hour, at least. By the time you read this I may be feeling hopeless, lost, and scared again. I'm expecting these three ghosts sometime today.

I've been tearing up daily and nightly (with breaks in between) for a while now. I'm beginning to know what real loneliness is. I make eccentric, impulsive attempts to meet and connect with women, but its hard to find someone I like who's open to understanding me.

I'm tired. Tired of explaining myself to everyone. I'm so different. I know full well that 9 out of 10 people who do or say the things i do and say would have different reasons and aims than I have. I am defending myself against assumptions left and right, and its no way to live.

I like complex, introverted people, but they must see me as a very naive, unintuitive person, by the way i just put myself out there without ado. I hate games, and I'm too impatient to mince words. I want to be real with people. I want to say everything. I dont have to get angry with a person, or know them for several months, before I get real with them, but it seems most people do, and they resent my lack of concern for boundaries.

It's just that I love people, and I put myself out there before I know who I'm even talking to, because it doesnt matter. People think I'm self-absorbed and making assumptions about who I'm talking to, but I'm not. I'm not looking for someone like me, I'm attracted to differences (venus/uranus). And I'm not expecting agreement, I'm expecting chemical reactions. I'm impatient, so I push a lot of buttons all at once - the only way to find out which ones belong to the person I'm talking to. I run free because I want to cross boundaries - to see where they are. This is life, lets live it! Let's interact and bounce off of each other, get angry or happy. Why am I so alone in this!??!

It should be so easy! I know its all relative, but I think I'm smart, funny, insightful, deep, attractive, understanding, romantic, nurturing, affectionate, and loving. Heck, I'd date me! And my standards arent even as high as that (i have a hard moon-jupiter aspect and a cappy ascendant - both tend to be happy with mates who are, by common estimations, in a league below them). I'm appreciative of small things. I just want someone who is sweet and smart and pretty. I dont even care if I have to "save" her from something, or build her up all the time. I like being needed. I think I'm an amazing boyfriend, lol. All I hear are women complaining about their bullsh!t relationships, lamenting that their men dont have the qualities I know I have in spades. Why is this so difficult? This should be easy for me. Why are all the sweetest girls so damn shy? Why are all the smartest girls so closed off? Why are the open girls so shallow? Why dont they say "thank you" when you compliment them? Why dont they want this as badly as I do?

"I want to love first, and live incidentally."
- zelda fitzgerald

I feel like I'm dying when I'm not in love.

This isn't living.

HSC
Moon in 1st ruling the 7th house
Venus in Retrograde, in Scorpio,
Conjunct Sun/MC/Uranus

ps.
I hope you did well on your math test.
Or if you didnt take it yet, good luck.

pps. I wouldn't have written so much,
but you said you enjoyed reading my posts, so...