Lindaland
  Soul Unions
  Can straight men and women just be friends? (Page 1)

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone!
This topic is 3 pages long:   1  2  3 
next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   Can straight men and women just be friends?
AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 3341
From: acousticgod@sbcglobal.net
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 02:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
And I'm talking about something like best friends.

A lot of people seem to think, "No." I believe, "Yes," but I'm nervous.

Any suggestions for what I can do to maintain that boundary without hurting feelings?

She's a Taurus who's 11 years older than me. She has a completely different life experience than me (we both grew up in well-to-do, large, white, middle class families, but beyond that our experiences don't have a lot in common). She has four grown children. I think she's up to four grandchildren. (I've never been married, and never had any children) She has vices which I don't have, and really wouldn't be able to stand long term were things to hypothetically happen between us. There's nothing objectionable in her looks, but I've never been attracted to her in a romantic sort of way.

I know all that sounds bad, so I'll remind you about the best friends bit. Her and I get along splendidly. It's always easy between us, and we typically have fun because we both enjoy the things we do together. Our humor is similar.

IP: Logged

*lovely*
unregistered
posted December 13, 2008 02:33 PM           Edit/Delete Message
Hello,

Yes you can be best friends, why not?

Is she attracted to you?

IP: Logged

deuxantares
Knowflake

Posts: 0
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 02:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for deuxantares     Edit/Delete Message
YES.

My best friend is a Gemini guy. We've known each other for 12+ years.

------------------
Sun:Scorpio, Moon:Scorpio, Asc:Gemini

IP: Logged

Lara
Knowflake

Posts: 4224
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 03:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
yes i think you can but it's rare!

IP: Logged

Got Gemini?
Knowflake

Posts: 456
From: Mercury
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 03:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Got Gemini?     Edit/Delete Message
No. If you dig deep enough there is always one of the two that wants the other. About .000000000000001% can be friends without either being attracted to the other.

------------------
Virgo Asc 6˚& Mars 0˚
Gemini Sun 24˚
Libra Moon 14˚(conjunct Pluto 0˚ in 2nd house)
Gemini Mercury 25˚
Cancer Venus 29˚
And yes, i'm a guy!

IP: Logged

heart cakes
unregistered
posted December 13, 2008 05:05 PM           Edit/Delete Message
got gemini, i am no math buff, but are you saying that people, on average, are attracted to approximately 50% of people they meet?

i really don't know about this question. i used to think so but now it seems like every guy i consider a great friend develops some thing for me and it kinda wrecks the friendship vibe. it's depressing.

IP: Logged

Got Gemini?
Knowflake

Posts: 456
From: Mercury
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 05:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Got Gemini?     Edit/Delete Message
I am speaking about close freindships, not associates or collegues.

------------------
Virgo Asc 6˚& Mars 0˚
Gemini Sun 24˚
Libra Moon 14˚(conjunct Pluto 0˚ in 2nd house)
Gemini Mercury 25˚
Cancer Venus 29˚
And yes, i'm a guy!

IP: Logged

heart cakes
unregistered
posted December 13, 2008 05:25 PM           Edit/Delete Message
so do you think, then, people become friends cuz there's some (often unconscious) attraction there? i'm really curious about this!

IP: Logged

seveneieghtorange
unregistered
posted December 13, 2008 06:04 PM           Edit/Delete Message
Yes yes and yes

I have virgo and a cancer guy best friends and I have never, ever, not in even in my wildest dreams have ever thought of being attracted to them/wanting to do anything sexual or intimate with them. No kissing either. Purely platonic. I remember I was in my virgo's friend apartment and my brother and cousin went for a beer run. While they were gone, we finished the rest of the liquor and we were pretty drunk. Even @ that level, we were laughing at how people thought we were supposed to be together "like that" but we just didn't want to be and had no desire to be with each other in a sexual way.

IP: Logged

AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 3341
From: acousticgod@sbcglobal.net
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 06:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
Yes you can be best friends, why not?

Is she attracted to you?


I think so at times. Usually she can cover it, or maybe doesn't think about it, but when she's in more vulnerable states I get little hints. I don't know if she really knows she can't have me, or if she's thinking that if she just hangs on long enough I'll come around.

IP: Logged

Got Gemini?
Knowflake

Posts: 456
From: Mercury
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 06:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Got Gemini?     Edit/Delete Message
I bet you those guys liked you secretly. I'll put money on it. Or you liked them (which you are here saying you didn't so I bet they liked you secretly). Guys don't befriend attractive women just to be in the friend zone. And women don't befriend attractive guys just to watch baseball with them. Trust me on this one.

------------------
Virgo Asc 6˚& Mars 0˚
Gemini Sun 24˚
Libra Moon 14˚(conjunct Pluto 0˚ in 2nd house)
Gemini Mercury 25˚
Cancer Venus 29˚
And yes, i'm a guy!

IP: Logged

*lovely*
unregistered
posted December 13, 2008 09:23 PM           Edit/Delete Message
I've got a few male BF, much closer with them than with my female friends and there have been moments of weakness/loneliness when I considered them as potential partners. Like times I needed physical touch for example and have been held... my mind has wondered a bit. Like.. why couldn't this work?

But.. if you are straight with her and make sure to drop similar hints.. that you ain't going there, then you should be clear of any misunderstandings.

It's tough though. I had to end a friendship recently because he shared romantic feelings. Its tough because I so enjoyed the attention, but was disappointed there were other motives on his behalf, etc.

I dunno. use your feelings.

IP: Logged

Yin
Knowflake

Posts: 1609
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 13, 2008 09:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message
It has never worked out for me no matter how hard I've tried.
Maybe if you get the sex out of the way and don't hurt each others feelings in the process... Don't even know if it's possible.
I've tried ignoring the obvious signs given me by one, "getting the sex out of the way" with another very close friend - it all ended bad.
So my answer is "NO"
Wait... I have a guy friend...with no feelings involved.
But he is 43 years my senior

IP: Logged

MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 770
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 14, 2008 01:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
The question is, are you willing to do all of the work of having a close personal relationship with a woman you AREN'T going to have sex with? Because all you have to do is keep telling her the truth and telling her your honest feelings and when she drops a hint, you actually say the truth (that you think she just dropped a hint and you are now feeling worried she doesn't understand how you feel etc) and then dealing with her upset feelings when they come. It's the same work as a relationship but you don't get the goodies. It's like me and my guy friends. Same work, no goodies like a house or grocery carrier. And yet, there are guys who for the small price of sex would be happy to carry my groceries any time. (I don't think it's a fair deal so I carry my own.) It's all just an exchange of energy. You just have to figure out what the currency is that you are each needing and giving. Then determine if you want to make that deal. (and honesty honesty honesty)

Is is worth it?

IP: Logged

deuxantares
Knowflake

Posts: 0
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 14, 2008 03:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for deuxantares     Edit/Delete Message
It's difficult if there is physical attraction.

In our case, he knows me very well and is aware of my Scorpion-ness and all of my quirks. He must have felt attracted to me when we met years ago, but later realized that he was not my type physically, and left it at that. He knows that it's impossible to push, pull or pressure a Scorpion. We click so well on the mental level and there are things (probably deep, dark secrets) I would tell him that I would not tell anyone, not even my romantic partner.

I moved overseas 3 years ago and found another male best friend of a different nationality. This one was tricky because we were both secretly attracted to each other -- me a Scorpion and him a Capricorn (Scorp Asc/Venus). The connection was very strong from the start.

We lost touch for a while becoz we both travelled and when we met each other again we took on a project, which forced us to live in one house. Tricky because he had started seeing a girl when I was away.

Looking back now, I know we both played it cool and pretended that we we're just being friends and business partners. However, it's hard to deny a strong physical attraction when present. I remember we once went for a walk. There was a brief moment when his hand accidentally brushed against mine and we both felt a jolt of electricity. He said "Wow!" but I pretended it was nothing and continued walking. I, the ever poker face Scorpio, reminded myself that he had a GF.

One time, we had an argument in the car, I said there's nothing between us aside from work. He responded in a defiant tone "No, there's physical attraction between us". Fortunately, we reached my house at that moment (I moved out when the project ended). So I just said "Oh yeah?", shrugged my shoulders and got out of the car.

They split after a while. (I feel tempted to continue the story but it will deviate from the topic of this thread. LOL).

My point is: if at least one of you harbors a physical attraction for the other, it would be difficult to maintain a purely platonic friendship.

IP: Logged

AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 3341
From: acousticgod@sbcglobal.net
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 14, 2008 04:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
Interesting points.

I have to think on some level she thinks the same way I do...which is to say that if either of us were to try to imagine being together at some point down the road it wouldn't seem right. Neither of us would feel it was fair to the other on some level. She'd be burdening me with things I won't go into here, and I'd be burdening her with being more aloof than she'd want.

quote:
My point is: if at least one of you harbors a physical attraction for the other, it would be difficult to maintain a purely platonic friendship.

I'm pretty certain that's not the case here. She has a few ex-husbands, and from what she's told me I definitely don't fit her mold. She's told me lots of times that she's always gone for passion in a relationship.

She's also told me that at this stage in her life she'd be more interested in companionship, so her standards may be changing. Being the courteous guy who's so easy to do stuff with maybe she's just gotten to thinking, "What if...?"

I'm not sure if it will ever be a big issue, but I am concerned enough to start this thread to hear other people's ideas.

IP: Logged

girlloveboy
unregistered
posted December 14, 2008 04:22 AM           Edit/Delete Message
I have a kind of stange friendship with a guy.
Its strange beause we both feel much more for each other, but still nothing happened so far as he hasnt wanted it. On the other hand, he keeps acting like he's interested in me, but when i would like to confront him he just runs away and gets defensive. I know he could not look at me saying 'I only like you as a friend' as its just not true.

We work together, and its just simply impossible for us not to be "friends" at least...the soul connection between us is incredibly deep. When i told him how i feel for him he told me it would not be good for us to be together. (its true that he would need to make some changes in his life, if he would want us to be together)

So its not an easy situation, as when i tried to make some distance between us, he started to get closer... and i love him very much, both as a friend and as a lover

When we forget about anything else, then we just have so amazing time together that its hard to explain, but then reality is just harsh...

IP: Logged

Atlenta
unregistered
posted December 14, 2008 01:27 PM           Edit/Delete Message
not possible, especially when you become close and hang out together. it's a natural progression towards romantic inclinations.

Friendship is based on distance. Intimacy breaks the barrier, which happens usually in close "friendships".

being platonic is only for family, because there's zero possibility of hope. with others, theres always a possibility.

IP: Logged

heart cakes
unregistered
posted December 14, 2008 01:51 PM           Edit/Delete Message
atlenta, i think that might be true, unfortunately.

there is a guy i was so close to in the last couple of years, and i guess i even considered him my best friend. we talked probably every other day, at least, and we talked about just about everything, and had SO much fun together too. we had a real emotional depth in our friendship, and it seemed to mostly be a very healing thing for us both. then he started acting a bit weird when i told him about the guy i was starting to get close to, and would get upset with me here and there. he also began trying to cuddle with me like every time i'd see him. he kinda made it like a joke, but i'd resist, and he was so persistent that occasionally he would kinda just do it and catch me off guard and i'd get rigid, as i was confused and didn't want to give off any signals. we both sorta made it like a 'joke' but there was obviously something more going on. then when i was moving away he confessed to me that he was in love with me and had been for a while, and he was so emotional and begged and begged to be able to cuddle me since i was going away. so i gave in and cuddled with him for an hour or so. he tried to make moves on me but i didn't let him. well, unfortuantely something happened and i wasn't able to move, and we tried to hang out a few times after that and it did not work. he kept trying to cuddle and i kept telling him i couldn't, that my heart is with someone else and he got very angry at me and no longer wants to be my friend he has a big scorpio stellium, though, so this may be a bit extreme, but i think it sort of illustrates how unrequited feelings will always, eventually, come to the surface and cause pain.

considering, though, that this woman is older and you don't think you're exactly her type, maybe she has the inner discipline necessary to see beyond anything that she realizes may be fleeting. if she is true Best Friend material, at some point i'm guessing if the feelings blow over, or even sooner, the two of you may be able to have a mature, open conversation about it. i would say follow your instincts, but in this kinda situation, even that is tricky.

IP: Logged

MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 770
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 14, 2008 02:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
Yes, I like what Atlenta said.

IP: Logged

ms_scorpio
unregistered
posted December 14, 2008 03:37 PM           Edit/Delete Message
Good question! I think in your case where you list the reasons why it wouldn't work because there are these obstacles in the way, you shouldn't have any problems, unless of course she does not see the obstacles as obstacles. Are you afraid that she has feelings for you or afraid of developing feelings?

I have a lot of male friends. One was interested in me many years ago and I was and will never be in any way interested in him. We cleared that up immediately and we can and are friends, good friends. We both have spent some holidays and special occassions with the other's families. I have another male friend where as far as I know neither of us has been attracted to one another. We've known each other so long and have been in each other's business so much it is more like a brother thing. Then there is another man friend who is incredibly hot and my god is it hard not to let my mind wander around him. I think he realizes this and feeds his ego from it but most certainly does not feel the same of me, so I try to keep limited contact to prevent from getting hurt. Therefore it is not as close of a friendship as with the other two I've mentioned above because sharing hotel rooms for example as I've done with the other two would just be too much.

IP: Logged

Yin
Knowflake

Posts: 1609
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 15, 2008 10:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message
AG, if you were absolutely certain that there was no desire for more than a great friendship on both ends, you wouldn't be asking this question.
Listen to your intuition.
Sometimes you can't just sit somebody down and explain to them that you have no intentions/feelings towards them.

IP: Logged

26taurus
unregistered
posted December 15, 2008 10:19 AM           Edit/Delete Message
In my experience, men have a harder time with it that women.

IP: Logged

26taurus
unregistered
posted December 15, 2008 10:21 AM           Edit/Delete Message
Cappy and Taurus combos are always fun in any relationship.

IP: Logged

sunshine_lion
unregistered
posted December 15, 2008 01:40 PM           Edit/Delete Message
I agree with the general concensus. Usually there is an underlying attraction. Some people deny it, but it is there. Relationships are complex. SHe is eyeballing you AG, and you asked because you realize it too sweetie. You thought it through enough to realize it wouldn't work for various reasons already. Female friendships really hurt a close relationship I had not too many years ago. That really hurt me. A lot actually. No one wants thier lover running to an attractive person of the same sex, dissecting what is wrong with your relationship.

It sounds like she has been through a lot in life. I know you don't want to hurt her, maybe you could talk about it and clear the air, so she doesn't get hurt when you meet someone to love someday. I think your best friend and lover should be the same person.

IP: Logged


This topic is 3 pages long:   1  2  3 

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Linda-Goodman.com

Copyright 2010

Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a