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Author Topic:   Not accepting 'no' for an answer
26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 30, 2009 10:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
(note: since I know what i need to do in this situation now, i'm going to delete it so i dont get more responses to. but I think we can continue with the topic)

Is there an easy way to tell someone you arent interested in a romantic relationship with them? Do hints work or should you outright say it? How do you personally handle this?

Seems there is not once easy answer and every one and situation is different. All lessons to be learned.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 30, 2009 11:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
Sorry to hear that, T

Some people don't know how to love impersonally.

"No promises, no demands."

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 30, 2009 11:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
he sounds a little like this poor guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN1Bw8cin7A&NR=1

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 12:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 12:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Sad song. He sounds like a young Neil Young....

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 12:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I guess I will somehow have to come right out and tell him. SInce the major hints arent working. Doesnt seem like there is any possible way to do it without hurting his feelings. Uncomfortableness is never fun.

Has anyone ever done this gracefully?

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004

posted March 31, 2009 12:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message

quote:
it seems like you are just quickly judging me


I'm sorry I gave that impression.
I'm sure anything I say right now is suspect as hell.

I was trying to be nice, though.

I'm sure it is complicated.
I know all about complicated, T.

I dont think you are being cold here.
I think the contrary may be the case.

You have tried saying "no".
Have you tried doing "no?

Is there something besides your charm
that he may be misinterpreting?
Do you take advantage of his interest,
and rely on him for things that you would not
if his feelings were not as vulnerable as they are?

I am just asking this. Swear to God.
I feel really purged and intuitive today.
Not that everything i am saying is intuitive.
Jeez.. i just dont want to be taken the wrong way.
But I know you dont feel i have earned your trust.
And I understand that. I havent exactly.

Anyway, sorry to go on and on.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 01:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
You may have to end the friendship.

It may just be his problem to work through.

In my experience, when I have felt like that about a girl..

I could never go back to being "just friends" with her.

Even if I am just really attracted to her, I can't.

I mean, I can keep it to myself and not bug her with it.

But I'll always be a little uncomfortable around her
if the prospect of something more than friendship is moot.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
.

Thanks.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 01:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah, thats what it sounds like to me, too.

Just tell him and see if he stops coming on.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 01:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
But, like I said, he may always be uncomfortable now.

Sometimes sh!t is just ruined and there's nothing to be done.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
You may have to end the friendship.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Not fun. He's sensitive.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Yes, true. But he's making me uncomfortable and he should be able to see that. He doesnt want to I guess. He tries not to. I know what must be done.

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 01:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
I'm sure you will be gentle, though.

And he will hurt less in the long run.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
what a weird thread.

look at us...pretending things are all normal...like uh, nothing happned lately. LOL wtf?


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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 01:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message

It is weird.

I know what I feel.

What do you feel?

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I'll figure it out. It will be nice though.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 01:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I feel fine, though tired now.

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Scorpionic Web
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posted March 31, 2009 01:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scorpionic Web     Edit/Delete Message
I prefer direct rejection in all situations.

When faced with having to let a girl down, I make it quick and clear, emphasizing my humility in being desired and my true appreciation of her feelings.

When it's my turn to be rejected, I hate to linger on any false ideas that I've managed to spin in my head, and I'm most often relieved after I've heard the raw truth.

Hope is the worst feeling for me, I always move on easier when I know all is lost.

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Mama Mia
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posted March 31, 2009 10:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mama Mia     Edit/Delete Message
Yep, I know what your talking about 26Taurus, those Taurus men, once they make up their mind they are relentless..I have one like this one your talking about he's not as bad but still annoying..I did like him at one time, but not anymore and I guess thats the problem..They have a obsessive way about things..You may have to stop talking to him all together..

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

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From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
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posted March 31, 2009 10:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message

i'm tired too

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wheelsofcheese
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posted March 31, 2009 11:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for wheelsofcheese     Edit/Delete Message
I went out with a Taurean (longest relationship to date) and I found it hard when we split up because he was like yours T, very very persistent and kept writing me these letters in tiny handwriting, one of them was 36 sides long and it was all about him, his needs, what he wanted. Yeah, I appreciated it wasn't all about me either, but after 12 or 13 of these sorts of letters I stopped opening them. They remain unopened 8 years later, to my shame.

But I think your Taurean, like mine, is not appreciating your boundaries, and there will come a time when YOUR Taurean-ness will kick in and say "Enough". Properly enough. You probably are being too nice. I agree with Scorpionic Web. Raw truth and some distance. It is the best way in the end, best for you and him.

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Lucia23
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 11:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lucia23     Edit/Delete Message
There is NO REASON for you to have let it go this far without telling him outright, directly, firmly and clearly and KINDLY and probably more than once: "I don't feel a romantic connection to you."

There's nothing kind about responding to someone crossing your boundaries by passive-aggressively trying to ignore him. There's nothing kind about accepting flowers from a man you are not interested in with a "thank you." Flowers in that situation are no gift--they're a question, or a demand, depending on how you look at it.

Now, one of two things is going on here:
-The Taurus gets your "hints" and he just doesn't care.
-The Taurus is unsure about your "hints"--he thinks you might like him That Way or grow to like him, and that you are delicate and feminine and a gentle lady and etc etc (insert things Taurus men like here).

Either way, you're making this situation more inconvenient and agonizing for everyone than it would ever need to be. After you tell him firmly and DIRECTLY that you are not interested, as many times as he asks or the issue comes up, act it out.

Heart-Shaped Cross is right, I think. You need to both say and DO "no." At this point, you haven't really said it.

If you were really able to be assertive (not aggressive or passive-aggressive--if you say "no" from any place other than open-hearted, clear, total HONESTY, no one will believe it or respect your boundaries--they will accurately assume something else is going on), you'd probably not even have to end this friendship. A Taurus woman can definitely learn to be assertive and have firmly but gently enforced boundaries.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 12:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Scorpionic, Part of me wants to agree with you and say that's how i feel too. In a couple of instances, I wish the guy was more direct and not so wishy-washy. I am not wishy-washy with him though. And then when I think about it still, I could also say I'd rather be given hints and move on from them (less painful for both that way). I asked someone who knows the situation what she thought and she said I have made it quite clear. I'm going to come out and tell him though.

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26taurus
Knowflake

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posted March 31, 2009 12:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Mama and wheels, you understand. It's an awkward position to be in...for both people. Thank you.

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