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Author Topic:   What do u do when u hate a colleague ??
InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 07, 2007 03:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Ok, there is this person in my office who just drives me nuts. He's a quiet kind of guy. Everyone agrees to that.

Problem is, he seems to have an aversion to smiling. Especially when talking to me. I try my best to be cordial to him (which for me means an involuntary smile) but all he does is glare at me, as if waiting for me to go away. Today, he condescended to give me a smile after like 4 months, becoz he needed my laptop for his presentation. And ohhh, wht a charming smile that was !

I feel really uncomfortable around him. My strategy is to avoid talking to him as much as possible, but sometimes i have to, you know. Problem is, that my work is kind of tied to his work, and in future i wud need to interact with him more closely. I feel like asking him straight out whether he has a problem with me. Because I have not seen him behaving in this way with others in my office. He does seem to be on good terms with other people.

I feel so stupid giving him so much importance. (darn tht 7th house sun, mars, merc and SN). But really, this IS bothering me a lot.

ILWL

*edit* Its hard to define just how his behavior with me is different from others. But trust me, it is not my imagination. I don't want him to like me, and i certainly can't like him. All i want is to be at a basic comfort level, and not feel like i just stepped on his toes every time i talk to him.

*edit* I'm not sure, but his behavior could be due to some match-making efforts by other colleagues, since we r the only two Indians in my office. It certainly was suggested to me by some people, not sure if the same was suggested to him. Because initially he behaved quite normally, but now he seems to think of me as a bird of prey

Ain't I stupid?

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thirteen
Knowflake

Posts: 1107
From: Rochester Hills, MI USA
Registered: May 2004

posted March 07, 2007 03:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for thirteen     Edit/Delete Message
LOL! this is my specialty. I have been in the workplace for over 20 years now and I am just learing what I will tell you. Don't wait as long as me to learn.

Definately ask him. If you don't things will get worse. Even if the conversation doesn't go great you will know exactly where you stand. You are just trying to do your job and there is no reason for you to have to avoid anyone. And if you bring it up gently you will probably shake up the situation just enough to change his demeanor towards you in the future. Good luck.

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 07, 2007 03:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
thanks thirteen....i wud as soon as i get a chance to. As it happens, we just hv cubicles and are within earshot of other people. And i dont want to 'pounce' on him....gosh, why am i thinking of such images....an eagle swooping down on a scared mouse...or a cat attacking a hapless bird.

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 07, 2007 08:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
Hey girl!

*wave* How are ya these days? Come on now, you don't really hate him. Just file him under "antisocial co-worker", and forget about it. I pulled a card for you, and got "Don't think about it so much"!!

So, my advice to you is this: just ignore him. I'm like you too - smiley (way smiley; that's how I got my nickname Sunshine) - but if you happen to come across him, don't change that any. Keep smiling (nothing special for him) & keep walking on. It's just who you are, and if he doesn't realize that, too bad. And don't make any extra efforts outside of work-stuff to talk to him, or make any conversation outside of what's absolutely necessary. He'll get the message soon enough that you're neither interested in him, nor do you have a problem with him, and if he's mature enough, his attitude will change too. Even if it doesn't, don't be put out - some people are like that; some personalities don't mix. Perhaps they did try the matchmaking thing on him, and he's got hang-ups about it. You're a really nice chica, and if he feels he ought to act this way, that's his problem.

Keep on smilin', girlfriend!
Sunshine
p.s. and you most definitely ain't stupid; we all go through this!

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 07, 2007 08:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
p.s. You don't report to him now, do you? I worked with a lady who seemed to have a problem with me but I reported to her, so dealing with her was a real pain; it was like walking on eggshells. But I was pulling a heavy load, doing her work (she wasn't very capable so she'd push her work onto me), and soon enough, the big boss noticed & let her go.

I also have a co-worker who doesn't smile a whole lot or talk much, but it turns out this guy is the one of the funniest I've met, and he just prefers to keep his own company most of the time. Nothing against anyone (that I know of, at least).

Don't you have a Libra AC or Libra Moon or something in Libra? Tap into that, girl, and be that way with him - neutral, balanced. He'll come to see that you have no interest in him either way (unless you do?)

If all of this doesn't work, and he's still being anti-social & it affects your work or the environment, do talk to him by all means. Whatever you do, hope it gets better soon for you!


Sunshine

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 07, 2007 09:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks so much sunshine

Yeah i do smile a lot. (i even run out of smileys while posting...i hv to carefully count how many i've already used up)

No I dont report on him, thank god ! tht wud be a nightmare ! I dont even need to talk to him all that much (actually, i keep to myself too most of the times, except for 2 other shiny happy ppl who i get along fabulously with ) Initially I was friendly with him, but nothing special, u know. just the normal thank-god-i-can-jabber-with-u-in-hindi stuff.

Problem is, that I might need to work closely with him in the future. Anyways, yeah I'll try not to think about it too much for now.

Its just my cancer asc prolly, tht can't take his attitude. i hv 3 planets in libra(jup, sat, pluto), and a loaded 7th house. naah i hv no interest in him. he is incredibly dumb (ahhh, hope he didn't pick up that vibe now!!).

*edit* I have him already filed under 'disagreeable coworker who looks like he just got slapped'

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Dulce Luna
Knowflake

Posts: 4598
From: The Asylum
Registered: Mar 2006

posted March 07, 2007 09:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
edit* I'm not sure, but his behavior could be due to some match-making efforts by other colleagues, since we r the only two Indians in my office. It certainly was suggested to me by some people, not sure if the same was suggested to him. Because initially he behaved quite normally, but now he seems to think of me as a bird of prey

Gosh! Don't you just hate it when that happens?

But back to the topic, I guess you could go ahead and ask him what's up; I don't think it would hurt to be a little straighfoward (but tactful about it at the same time). Actually, it may be neccesary to talk to him because of your work and having to interact with him and such. Because God knows it is plain awkward to be talking to a co-worker you don't like. Ay Caramba!

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 07, 2007 09:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah Dulce!! my colleagues found it hard to digest that just becoz he is an Indian doesn't mean that I have the hots for him in fact out of all the people i have to deal with, he is the one who is like an irritant in the eye for me

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Dulce Luna
Knowflake

Posts: 4598
From: The Asylum
Registered: Mar 2006

posted March 07, 2007 09:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message
LMAO!


The same thing happened to me in the Catholic Middle School my mother sent me to in the 8th grade. I guess there was this Spanish kid there (and that's not even my ethnicity BTW) and everybody thought me and him would go good together just because we were the only two people of color. And it was the same business: I did not even find him in the least bit attractive...no offense to him. Come to think of it; it always seemed like he avoided me too...maybe for the same reason your guy may be avoiding you?

I'm not neccesarily saying he is avoiding you...the other possibility is that your oversensitive cancer Asc is percieving it to be that way. Trust me, my cancer sun is the EXACT same way...where I believe someone does not like me when it was really just the time of day.


Either way I hope it all works out

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted March 07, 2007 10:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
I used to keep them in my closets, but that started to stink...
Just kidding, I have way too little closet space as it is...

I would just ignore him. Subtle doesn't seem to work with most guys. With people in general, they will twist things to represent the reality they want to believe, for whatever reason. It's no use trying to figure out how to act to make him comfortable. If it will make YOU more comfortable, ignore him except business-like politeness when he approaches you on office related issues. Just give him the very brief eye-contact, closed mouth, hope you are having a nice day smile not the big happy to see you friend grin.

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 07, 2007 11:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
I have him already filed under 'disagreeable coworker who looks like he just got slapped'

ok, who slapped him? ('fess up!!)

I'm not a big fan of people setting me up too, especially when they don't know me all that well - I know they have good intentions and all that, but it can make things awkward if you're not interested.

I agree with MM... he'll get the message soon enough if you don't turn on any of that Libran charm or Cancerian tendencies you might have (even by accident). Plain old business with this boy.

(p.s. MM, what were you keeping in your closet again? or should i say who? )

Sunshine, who also needs to count her smilies before posting

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 07, 2007 11:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Dulce, u were in 8th grade then ! (well may be this one is too )

Mel, i looove your advice !! I do act businesslike, except for that involuntary smile of mine. (but i'm like that with everyone...). It would need a lot of practice.

Sunshine, yes it IS one of my unrealized wishes.....to actually slap that guy who looks like he expects it any moment another is holding a mirror to show him how he frowns when he talks to me...he is sooo paranoid.

Sunshine, i liked the card u pulled tho. Could u pull another one for my career pleeeease? these days i'm generally very stressed out with work related problems. My has turned to

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 08, 2007 12:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
Awww... cheer up, ILWL... it won't always be this bad...

I pulled a couple cards from the Tarot for you - meant to pull one, but got two instead. So I take it that the Universe wants to give you a bit more insight into this situation. Oyyy, they're very descriptive of your troubles, I think; I was very surprised these came up!! Here they are:

* Six of Wands, reversed: indicates conflict & confrontation at work, either due to someone else getting that promotion, or perhaps you feel let down or misled by another person. Don't worry though, this will pass...

* Ten of Swords, reversed: indicates that the enemy/saboteur is within, in the form of negative thinking, low self-esteem or thoughts of limitations; the root cause is fear. The best way to conquer this is through positive visualization techniques, creative work & love. Also suggests that self-awareness and a desire to change can work miracles.

Wow... I was going to suggest positive thinking anyhow. I'm a big believer in that; just ask teaologist or any number of others. I'm sure your troubles will come to pass too.

Did these cards remotely sound like they described your situation? I hope they helped.


Sunshine

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solar_third
Knowflake

Posts: 146
From:
Registered: Oct 2005

posted March 08, 2007 04:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for solar_third     Edit/Delete Message
Sounds like he is attracted to you. Some people are very backwards in coming forwards, you know . . .

S_T

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 08, 2007 08:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Sunshine, i think you can understand my dilemma better if i tell u some details.

I am doing a direct PhD without a masters degree. And it seems these days tht I need to decide on the course i want it to take, and a lot seems to be at stake. My advisor wants me to work in a certain area, but another senior PhD student tells me tht at worse its a blind alley, and at best it might take me ages to come up with results. He also makes me believe that since I have little experience (i hvnt done a masters), progress would be slow.

I don't know how much I should believe him. I have moments of self confidence, and then those of extreme self doubt where I plain freak out. I have no reason to believe that he is intentionally misleading me. He has taken more than 5 years for his PhD till now, and had to change his thesis topic midway, causing of course a lot of disillusionment, and he doesnt want the same to happen to me. However, I find that although he has a lot of experience, his theoretical background is weaker than mine. And since I am not very assertive, I dont know whether he even realizes that. So I wonder to what extent his estimate of my progress is valid. I don't know whether I am being arrogant, but sometimes I really do believe that I am more intelligent than him too.

I am extremely confused, and have decided to do some research on this on my own. However, my advisor being the professor that he is, wants me to start churning out results without any further delay.

Both of the cards could be true, esp the 2nd one, as i do sense a lot of fear in me. I hope the 1st one is not true, and I'm not being mislead

Due to all this confusion, and the fact that the results from this disagreeable person's research are going to be used directly in mine (at least that's what my advisor says, but it always sounded kinda far fetched to me), I think I need to talk to him more to assess the situation.

Phew, that's kinda my story. I seem to remember that you were doing masters. so i thought tht perhaps u wud be able to understand better the pitfalls of doing research.

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 08, 2007 08:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
Its like I cant make myself believe that the dire picture painted by my senior colleague is going to ever happen (i'm just too optimistic to even imagine such a thing happening to me), and on the other hand my advisor's overly optimistic view jarrs on me too.

I have this strong feeling that a change of direction is needed. I want to do something original, and challenging, something which i think of myself, something i can call my baby. But I dont have any ideas I need to do a LOT of reading. I was hoping tht sth like that show up on the cards But positive thinking, and trying to change, sounds good enuf to me


ILWL

*edit* Ohhh yessss! i want to do creative work, something tht i'd love to do. otherwise phd wud become an extended drudgery.

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 08, 2007 09:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
ILWL,

I'm working on finishing up my PhD, and I can tell you some horror stories from my own experience; I had to switch more than midway through my PhD even after doing my Masters degree with the same professor; he just got more & more unreasonable. I can tell you more if you want to know; I'm headed out to a meeting until early afternoon, so will be back later.

My advice to you would be to talk to more people - experts in your field, other professors you'll have on your committee, and get their opinion on your research topic. THis friend who's advising you, do you think he really has your best interests at heart? How about your advisor - does he seem reasonable, or does he have a history of students leaving him without a degree? These are a few things you should think about. I'll be back with more later.


Sunshine

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2668
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted March 08, 2007 10:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
i think , i would definitely go with what sunshine says .
why even talk to him ?
you are not interested in him !
you dont really need his help professionally!

why even bother to take his attitude ?

i , myself , am quite a smiley .but once , i am sure , i am being taken forgranted .i can go to any lengths for an ego fight .


i would have said, talk to him or keep a realtion if it was needed professionally but once you are sure , you dont need him , wqhy ponder ot someone's ego or even let him know that he is being taken as an idiot .

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Sheaa Olein
Knowflake

Posts: 2864
From: London
Registered: Jul 2004

posted March 08, 2007 10:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sheaa Olein     Edit/Delete Message
InLoveWithLife, is he like that with everyone else?

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2668
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted March 08, 2007 10:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
can you pull a card for me too plz , sunshine?

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 08, 2007 02:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
thanks everyone

Solar_third, if this is how people behave when they like someone, i'd rather they don't

Sheaa, i think its only me. At first I thought that may be he is a little nervous around girls in general, but i've seen him hanging out with girls too.

Cancerrg, i cant afford to be unpleasant to him either. Even though I dont need his help now, I'd hate to let things deteriorate further bcoz its very likely that i may have to work with him in the near future.

Sunshine, please please write to me coz i am really confused. my email is quicksilver.alchemy@gmail.com

ILWL

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 913
From: Durham, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 08, 2007 11:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
ILWL,

Sent you email just now; write me back & let me know what's happening with all the confusion. The second card was indeed a good one - it's wonderful when the Universe tries to help out with clues as to how we can help ourselves out of tough situations. It almost always does, in one way or the other, if we learn to read the signs.

Cancerrg,

I was going to ask first what area you wanted me to focus on, but I thought I'd pull a card anyway, and see if it taps into your vibes.

For you, I got: Three of Cups. What a lovely card! Indicates celebration of life's turning points - engagements, weddings, anniversaries, babies, house-warmings, but can also include the renewal of health and vitality after a period of low energy, perhaps a renewal of a friendship or in your social life.

Now, does this make sense to you; does it jive with your situation or the question you had in mind? If not, we can try again, and if you can tell me a general area to focus on, perhaps it might help.


Sunshine

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2668
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted March 09, 2007 10:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
thanks sun !
in a way , it has been a turning point career wise . i have just joined one of the best org. . just a week ago.
so indeed , it makes sense that way .
but not in the social way .


if you can pull a card again . that would be so lovely.
my genral area of interest at this point of time is career , infact.
what i am trying to know , what the future holds for me .
again, the second most important would be , the woman . am i meeting someone interesting soon (though i am yet to overcome the effects of the last lady )
will i ever meet someone like her ?

ILWL: i remember , you still have a promise to fullfil (if you have forgotten and i have not , blame my cancerian memory )

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 09, 2007 01:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
cancerrg, u know what, i remember it every time i see u on LL (cancer asc). but blame my gemmy moon, i forget it 5 minutes later

BUT, u know what, my sis has finally joined LL. she has posted on SU as HappilyJinxed. Why don't u talk directly to her as she's the expert and was supposed to do the reading in the first place she'll also be able to tell u what kind of writing sample she wants (she's very specific about it )


ILWL

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InLoveWithLife
Knowflake

Posts: 1530
From: Wonderland
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 09, 2007 01:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InLoveWithLife     Edit/Delete Message
sunshine thanks so much...i'l send u my reply by email....and sorry for the delayed reponse...had a test today


ILWL

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