posted December 12, 2006 07:21 AM              

You speak with such depth...

I am actually just referring to age because (as a pessimist), I believe that in age, comes not only maturity and wisdom, but also some desperation, and is a reflection of his experiences.... like you said.

Desperation like hmmm... thinking he will never find the one true love after 40+ years... and is destined to live his life alone, etc.

A 40 year old person looks life differently than a 20 year old. A 20 year old is full of life, looking forward to finding the one true love of his life. A 40 year old has been there, and if he's unlucky (like me), has already found love and lost.

In my case, we grew apart - I wanted more than just a small house, big mortgage, a dog, a cat, and two kids. He is quite happy working minimum wage and waiting for his chances instead of going to find it. I left him and his delusions.

Looking back, I think I should have married a guy (that I am not madly in love with) that can provide me with the comfort and security I now crave. Maybe that's my Taurus Moon speaking. or Maybe the grass is greener on the other side.

I am just curious to see how age affects ones perspective in love and marriage... maybe I am one of the few who is bitter.

posted December 12, 2006 07:49 AM            

If something can conform you and all of us, that is, that we are not alone. And like Salisa said, we all deserve better and best for us. There is "soul" here for all, that also wait for us. If we are lucky we gonna met in this life.

posted December 12, 2006 08:11 AM              

Third marriage..

We have been together for 18 years, we have one son together...my husband is younger.

Hmm...

He is the only man I didnt run away from. We have been through hell together, near death, illness, near loss of home through fire...rejection from our families, friends who have used us, money problems etc etc..

He is calm, I am passionate. We are different. We love each other deeply and respect each other, but it is a very hard relationhsip. He doesnt handle my emotions well, but he is getting better and so am I.....

Most of my preconceptions have been blown out of the water cos I am such an incurable romantic. However of late I am curing myself...taken off the rosy tinted glasses and gently kicked myself up the butt.

We get each other in some ways, not others. We are seen as the "unusual couple"....both unconventional, both musicians...both dont follow the crowd...

There is something there other than love that holds us together. We are both mysterious in different ways. We keep each other guessing a little...not predictable.

Sometimes I want to get out...but when I really visualise being without him, it doesnt feel right. He says the same. We spend time apart, both self employed. We meet when we both want to...its not a phoney relationshop at all. Its a brutally honest one!

We are not "enmeshed" or co dependant...we are both very independant people.

We are opposites, maybe that is why it works.

Oh yeah...and I tried to stop changing him...he isnt the ideal man...and I am not the ideal woman..

We are honest and true....we dont hide things...

He has saved my life on more than one occasion, if it wasnt for him, I doubt I would still be here

posted December 12, 2006 08:19 AM              

I met a woman at a play I went to see. She told me I was an optimist because I had married three times. When I asked her what she meant she replied "you must believe in love deeply to have three husbands"

She is right, I do.....its just that I have had to change my idealism around it....(Sun conj Neptune).

I think once we do that we can move forward.

For me, it has been like a form of grief to face the realities of life...but I know what the "real" thing is now...

posted December 12, 2006 08:33 AM              

There was just a point in my life when I thought I would rather depend on someone else for my happiness. I was very young and felt stuck in my small town. It worsened when I found out I was pregnant, I thought I was doomed to be with him forever. I was so scared.

When I turned 23 I left him. I took a large bag and filled it with all my son's things and never came back. I didn't want his help anymore or anyone else's. I wanted to know who I was. I wanted to be able to make my own decisions and provide for myself and my son. I wanted to say "That's my car, and my home" -- and know that I did it MYSELF and not with the help of a man.

And so I'm doing all those things now, and it feels lovely.

My parent's adored him too. That's because they knew he would take care of me forever. But there are things a parent can't see, and that's how you feel on the inside. My ex was arrested for soliciting prostitutes--thats something I've never told my mom. The whole experience was so painful, and could have been avoided, if I had been honest with myself.

There is a pain in knowing that you are only with someone because of security. It haunts you sometimes, especially when you are around other couples. It made me jealous of true love. Looking back, I would have just stayed single until I found someone I really loved.

posted December 12, 2006 09:13 AM            

quote:

---

We all have ability to work and provide something in our life, why should other money matters? If you want money, why didn't you spend your life making one?

---

posted December 12, 2006 09:42 AM            

As a PERSON who values independence/having their own, yet also knowing that love is essential too, I'm know I'm being true to myself in my choice. I could have easily posted love to make everyone happy but let's be honest. Not everyone cares as much. No one's saying it's bad....it's just not your "thing".

And I'm a romantic, yet still I see that struggle and adversity can tear a marriage/partnership apart even if there is love. It happens all the time. It makes me wonder because a lot those people who marry for love often end up divorced. At least in the United States that's the case...

Love is defined by each and every person differently, the concept my be the same but the perception is different. Whos to say that you marrying someone because you love them is the same kind/amount of love they have when marrying you? That's a lot to risk. Because one day you might just be slapped in the face by them walking out on you when your live "was everything". Certainly they can do the same if you marry for security but at least there was a tangible and physical component that can easily be replaced if you were to seperate.

Maybe it's just an individual thing, clearly I've got my issues with marriage/commitment. My parents married for love and have struggled their whole lives. And I'd like to say "oh but the love each other"...but when I look into my mother's eyes and see that desperate longing for something more than the nothing she works 3 jobs to come out with. It really changes my perspective on things...

Maybe it's just a values thing.

And I probably wouldn't feel too empty knowing I'm with them for security because 1) I'm not the kind to use up someones money without contributing so It'll be based on a combined amount...not just his, 2) I couldnt marry someone without being attracted to them.

Hell, I'd marry a friend for security. There's the emotional and the financial. And friends last longer anyway. :P
------------------
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" - MLK Jr.

posted December 12, 2006 10:07 AM            

Here ppl usually get divorced because they follow reason and not heart.
Love is never equal, and that is not a point. Point is in respect of individuals and giving/taking.
"I love you deep, but I don't expect same amount to give it to me. Give what you can and be happy"....thats the point.

We got slapped in face every day. Rather to get slapped because of something worth for, then for something I did because "I was afraid to be hurt".
Alanabelle who said that you must pay your parents karma? Maybe your kids will say in 20 years: "We had parents, who love each other deeply"...

posted December 12, 2006 10:09 AM              

I have always provided for myself and my daughter and will continue doing so.

Of course the other person would have to have a strong work ethic... because that is a quality that I admire.

I choose to make my own way... so that's not what I need or want.

I've never been in a situation where someone provided for me... so I don't really know what it would be like... but it's really not something that I'm interested in.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that it's wrong for someone who has children to be a stay at home parent while their spouse works. My mother was a stay at home mom... I'm happy she was.

I don't agree on the gold digging type that take advantage of another and expect to be taken care of without contributing.

I understand that money equals security... but why not provide it for yourself? I don't know... maybe my opinion isn't that great on this subject as I'm a single mother who's child's father walked out on all responsibility..... so no... not much tolerance for anyone who doesn't take responsibility or doesn't understand that you have to make yourself secure and not depend on others to do that for you.

posted December 12, 2006 11:47 AM              

I think there are too many variables.....

But the way i look at it i whould most likely pick #1

I whould pick NUMBER 1

1) For the sake of the kids, if the seperation will lead to the kids being unhappy,
then its best not too.....and just stick with it

for answer number 2

I whould think that given your age you'd either be use to it by now and thus think
less of getting married.

Chances are the older you get the less you care.......unless your already married.

I don't think finances whould be a huge reason for me to stay, just because i think
i've changed focus to priorty number 1, me.

And making it so that you don't need to 100% rely on someone.

I'm in college right now, working on geting to that point.

intresting topic.....

Sun:Gemini
Moon:Aries
Merc:Gemini
Venus:Taurus
Mars:Cancer
Asc:Capircorn

posted December 12, 2006 12:01 PM              

i NEVER WANT TO MARRY! my parents opinion never mattered on the people i've been dating. but if i ever did marry, and i did not love that person anymore, i would definitely get out of that relationship, regardless of the kids.

posted December 12, 2006 12:36 PM              

20 years old

posted December 12, 2006 12:54 PM              

I guess as a whole I'm saying that I'm not afraid of being alone if it means being healthy and happy in future life. I went through an absolutely terrifying abuse relationship and am now pretty jaded about relationships as a whole, so I know that a guy could have a lot of the qualities of one and that I can't love him because despite he has all those great qualities, he could be eroding my soul.

But I guess, and this is kind of the exception, if I found myself not doing so well, and I had a friend I really enjoyed but didn't feel that deep desire to be with them 24/7 and found them irresistible, I could definitely stick with him for the rest of my life, yes. And I think I could do it without feeling like I'm missing out on something bigger. I now realize that's what #1 is asking.

posted December 12, 2006 12:59 PM              

Also, i'm pretty much prefering being on my own, so #2 suffices. I'd much rather get with someone later when we're both more *mature*, so we don't play out our insecurities on each other, which is absolutely hurtful, especially if you love them. And especially when you're *aware* that you're hurting them, but are not evolved enough to think with regards to them, instead of yourself.

posted December 12, 2006 01:27 PM            

She brought me up to settle as well, and god knows I TRIED my hardest to settle. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even date someone I didn't like more than a few times before literally running away.

posted December 12, 2006 02:09 PM            

It was a love-less marraige, to a woman that refused to work, clean house or do anything more than watch her soap operas. I got tired of pulling a full time job being Airborne in the Army, only to come home to a nagging woman, dirty house and having to take over as "Mr. Mom".

I finally had to choose between living unhappily with a woman that felt the best way to wake me up was to slap me upside the head, or getting a divorce and still dedicating my time to my children, career and just enjoying life without that terrible loneliness that stems from being in such a terrible environment.

She still refuses to workand has now moved in some low-life that also doesn't work. My child/spousal support-well, it supports her and her ex-con fiance.

I thought after being in a marraige like that, I will never marry again. You know they say never say never. Then one day I was at a football party and in walks this extremely gorgeous and beautiful, woman. Everything just seemed to disappear when I saw her. I felt like I knew her already but I never saw or met her before. We were introduced and started talking we hit it off immediately. We are now married and I am so deeply in love with her.

I spend as much time with my children as possible and talk to them every chance I get even though I am in Germany and there are 10 hours between us. My wife Pidaua is incredibly supportive and encourages me to do everything possible to let them know how much I care and How I amhere for them. Her parents are divorced and she knows the value of "alone time" between kids and parents. She supports me going up to where they are at without her for 5 days so that I can have that time with my children.

My ex has been nothing but an obstacle between my kids and I. She blocks e-mail, won't answer her phone, won't send pictures and has even broken into my parents home to take pictures of myself and the kids off the wall. Pidaua encouraged me to think of a new way to contact the kids with care packages being sent to my mother. That way they would for sure get to the kids. The kids loved it, and we talk even more now. Sometimes I feel down because my time is limted with the kids and they want to go out and play to do kids things which cuts short some of my telephone calls. I tell pidaua and she always reminds me, "Honey, they're kids, they think pirate ship toys tied them up... remember when you were that age, repelling from your window?".

She always puts thing in perspective for me and supports me and loves me like I have never known. So I think I went with #2. I love you so very deeply pidaua. Thank you for the advice, support, and all that you do for me and us.

posted December 12, 2006 02:33 PM            

Well, how marriage is seen varies through culture, places, people, and how they feel about it..
In my case, I'd say that I'd only marry a person if I love him (well I'm 21 years old right now).. I can't stand the idea of being very close to someone that I don't have feelings at all (like hugging and kissing.. and other stuffs lol :P )..
But if I'm in the 1st case, and I'm already old lol.. then I'll ponder.. is that man really in love with me? Will he truly treasure me and never cheat on me? Can I truly accept him (like admiring his personality and accepting his way of being).. I believe that love can be developed.. I might accept it if I feel a kind of friendship or other special link to him.. marriage is meaning living with the other person together.. and if 2 people are happy together, why can't they try?

posted December 12, 2006 02:41 PM              

Beautiful, just beautiful....

posted December 12, 2006 02:47 PM              

I know it may seem like a non-issue with some, but laziness drives me crazy... I can not respect someone that will not pull their weight.

Pidau (I know I misspelled her name) seems to be a great support for you.

Edit - My mother was a stay at home parent. Our house was run like a well oiled machine.