posted December 12, 2006 03:57 PM              

Alanabelle, I understand your point completely. My Aunt and Uncle were like that. They married for love and struggled all their lives. They are now retired and is living off what little resources they have. My cousins send them money time and time again to help. I used to remember them fighting a lot and it's always about money. They are still together, which is nice. But I would not want what they have for me or for my children.

I think that is one of the main reasons why their daughter has not even thought about getting married till now. She's 37. She refuses to date even someone who is not stabilized in life. She's not a gold digger. In fact, she's a Manager in one of the banks where she lives. She just refuses to live like her parents - hand to mouth. She's getting married next year to a doctor. I am not going to guess what her motivations are at this time. I just pray for her.

For myself, I hold 2 jobs and earn more than double my husband earns. So, I do earn my keep and will continue to do so even if I was offered to stay home with the kids. I find my work rewarding and love the stress . But I still chose #1 as long as there is no conflict in the relationship. I mean as long as the spouses are at least friends and they are not ready to kill each other at every turn. It is still nice to know that you have some sort of material security and can go on vacation anytime you wish...

Anyway, thank you everyone for voicing your opinions. I have learned a lot from this thread... each one of us has a story...

posted December 13, 2006 03:47 PM            

1scorp she is a "great support" for me and I think it is safe to say that I am also for her. I am extremely lucky to have her in my life and honored to be her husband. She is extremely wonderful.

MM we are extremely happy together, thank you.

posted December 13, 2006 04:09 PM            

Bear and I are so very happy because we married our best friend. We love being together and enjoy talking about everything.

To me, that is the glue that holds a marriage together. To be able to discuss issues, laugh together, tackle obstacles and know about all that your significant other will be there to pick you up when you have fallen down.

That is what I have in Bear. He really is an amazing man and yet he has barely even touched on his attributes.

One of our past issues that binds us together is going through a loveless marriage. I waited until I was 30 to get married and did so with a man that was 16 years older than me. He was funny, charming and said he wanted a family. In truth he didn't want a family but he wanted to be with me. He wasn't mean or abusive, he just wasn't passionate or a family man. We had a great life financially and he came from a very wealthy family (if that mattered to me). I knew that we couldn't make it work. There was no way I could chose financial security over love and passion.

On the other side of the coin- I was engaged to a man that was passionate (in a deviant way) but not secure. He was such a spend-thrift he would make my stomach knot up every time a bill came in. He owed so much money in "bad debt" high interest credit cards for stupid crap like X-box games.As far as family- ewwww never would I have a family with that wacko LOL...

I am independent and have always supported myself and in life I wanted someone who could be a part of a team. We have a great time with our friends, how come we can marry someone that is our friend? I wasn't looking for anything- but Bear and I found each other.

We both have the same values regarding, family, home, traveling, religion / spirituality, politics and on how to spend money. There aren't fights over those issues because of our views.

That is why I also believe that people from completely different backgrounds with different values have an incredibly hard time making it work. Fights are dominant as one person feels they are giving something up as they give in to the other.

Bear and I both hate laziness and feel that both partners have to pull their weight. He and I love cooking and cleaning together as well as doing things for each other. My ex-fiance was a total slob that expected everything to be done for him. So like Bear, I'd come home and the house would be in chaos and he'd as 'where's my dinner'. I hope he bounced a few times after he hit that curb I kicked him too LMAO...

I married for love the first time but only got financial security, the second time- I have love, passion, security and whole lotta years enjoy him / family

posted December 13, 2006 04:30 PM              

Personally, I would pick #2 myself.

Love, love, love!!!!
Because that's were true pleasure lies. And as human beings, in order to be truly happy, we need that core part of us succoured, I think. But you know, if security is the issue, you can love someone who can take care of you. For women. If a man truly loves you, he'll break his back to take care of you. It's how they're wired. If he doesn't then, maybe he just don't love himself enough, and if he doesn't love himself, then.... Get it? Also, I pick #2 because I can't even begin to respect a man who has no passion, motivation, drive or vision. And if a man or woman has that, success is sure to come. And, I chose #2, because the worst thing for children to grow up in is a household where two people don't love each other. For the children sake, I'm hoping they're at least able to fake it. My brother does a good job of it. But he's not happy. When a mom and dad love each other, it is such a rich and rewarding experience for the children! On so many levels.

So, Bear or Pidaua, as a writer, my interest is piqued. If you don't mind, after the initial eye contact at the football party, then what?!?!?! Were there long stares? What led up to the first, hi?

posted December 13, 2006 04:55 PM              

sun: sag / moon: aries / ascendant: leo
venus: sag / mars: leo / mercury: capricorn

posted December 13, 2006 05:09 PM            

Thank you for the compliments . I introduced Bear to LL and he has been the only person I have ever invited here LOL...

I can tell you how I felt from my point of view.

I wasn't going to go to the lodge that Sunday but when I worked at a Drug Awareness BBQ for the middle school kids the days before, well, my friends convinced me to come out. I was kind of being a hermit because I was finally able to shake the toxic ex-fiance from being in my life in any way, shape or form. It took him more than 6 months to realize that I did not want to be his friend. LOL...

They were having a potluck at the football party and I walked in carrying a heavy dish of my special homemade chicken enchilada's. I had on my favorite long sleeve T-shirt (dark blue / gray Harley Davidson T from Spokane) and I had on jeans. LOL... I was ready to just kick back, drink some beer and BS with the old dudes.

As soon as I walked through the door I made my way to the kitchen, but turned my head to the left to see who was in the lounge area...low and behold.. standing out from the usual crowd was this really good looking and kind of mysterious guy. He had on a black shirt, looked very well put together, but in a relaxed way (how very Leo).

I put down my dish and went into the lounge with my normal dorky grin and greeted my friends. I kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye and just then an older gentleman and friend said "Pidaua, I'd like you meet X and his friend Bear". I thought "oh.... ummm... okay" I was SO NERVOUS... I shook his hand, looked into his eyes and really felt something deep.

Not that kind of "Oh baby.. I'd love to see him naked" thing, but that "I know you and I want to know more of you" kind of thing.

I sat right behind him looking at the other TV with my friends. He sat with a group of about 6 and I had about the same around my table. At the time I was texting a friend back and forth because we had a bet on the game (he turned out to be a big dork) and a couple that sat with me brought their big geeky friend who kept trying to hit on me.

I kept backing my chair from the geek and then realized I was getting close to Bear. I could hear him talk back and forth with his friend and I really wanted to bring him into our conversation.. or at least just one with me.

Bear got up to go to the bathroom and I followed him with my eyes and thought (nice butt) when he came out I looked up and he was staring right at me... then he kind of looked away like he'd gotten caught, but quickly locked eyes with me. I felt a rush of heat, no kidding. I also thought 'Damn, that was bold" I know body language and I felt like he was saying "I'm interested, I am a bit shy at times, but I am quite assertive where it counts".

I hardly even concentrated on the people around me because I wanted to sit with him and talk with him.. but I didn't know if he was visiting family or what, so I just hoped he would say something to me.

At half time we had these lamo raffle gifts.. I mean real lame- I won a squirt bottle that is how lame it was LOL.... and when I won, I walked up to get my prize and when I walked back he was doing that "staring" thing at me again. I looked right back at him, gave him a smile.. he blushed- didn't break eye contact and smiled back.

I was like OKAY!!! He is so telling me to say "hi" to him.... but... he made me nervous. This went on until the end of the 3rd quarter or so and I said to myself "damn it Pid, if you don't say something you might lose your chance at destiny".

I gathered my Archer quiver and got ready to stick my foot in my mouth. I said "Hi... so what are you doing after the game?"

He smiled and me and said "Nothing.. what are you doing?"

I thought that would be it but nooooooooooooo... that was just his ticket to talk to me.. because then he did the perfectly Leo thing of not only turning to talk to me, but breaking away from his table and pulling his chair right next to mine.. close.... very close to mine.

No one else existed in that room after that. No conversation other than ours mattered after that. We talked and talked.... about everything. I felt in my heart we would be together forever.

The only problem.. he was going to Germany. But that didn't matter to me- I knew it would work and it did... we talk for hours every day and for more hours than I care to admit on weekends.

I haven't been able to see him laugh in more than 5 months. I haven't been able to sleep with my head on his chest and his hand in my hair since 7/8/06- BUT... I always feel like he is with me.

We finish each other's sentences, laugh all the time and we made a pact that will always be open to discussing anything.

I don't have any of those feelings that I had in other relationships, where you walk on eggshells, worry about if it will work or feel afraid that I will lose my independence. We both offer a comfort to each other that neither of us ever experienced before.

posted December 13, 2006 05:47 PM            

Like I said previously when she walked in everything seemed to just disappear I turned to my friend that I was with and asked who is that. He said he didnt know never seen her before. One of the older guys at the table knew pidaua and asked her to come over to so she came over to say hi to him and he introduced everyone at the table.

This is when I got to really meet eyes with her. She has beautiful brownish red eyes. She sat at a table behind me. I kept trying to look but not make it too obvious. Hee hee.

I got up to go to the bathroom one time and when I came back out of the bathroom and was heading back to my table I was looking at her and I locked eyes with her for a second and then looked a way real quick. It was almost like I got caught looking and checking her out. Though I was. I wanted to say hi but was kinda intimidated by the beauty and feared rejection. At half time they were giving out prizes and when she won. She won twice actually I found myself staring at her. She even noticed and smiled at me. Only this time I couldnt look away and didnt want to either.

At one point in the afternoon she turned to me and my buddy and asked what we were doing later. I turned my chair towards her and said "Nothing. What are you doing?". I was actually supposed to go to a party later but didnt really want to go. We started talking about everything like we were long lost friends and havent seen each other in ages. We even exchanged phone numbers. My buddy still does this skit about me and how pidaua and I started talking.

After the party a few of us decided to go to a bar. We got there and sat down. We continued talking and as the evening went on I found myself moving my chair closer to hers and eventually holding her hand. I just felt so comfortable to be with or around her. It was my turn to buy drinks so I stood up and when I did. I gave her a kiss pulled back a little bit suprised and asked "did I do that?". I dont do that type of thing when I just meet a girl. We had a connection that is really hard to explain other than it was really wonderful.

At the end of the night. I walked her to her car and gave her a kiss not just a peck but a passionate kiss. She went home to her house and I went back to the barracks and laid in bed for the next two hours thinking about her.

I knew by the time I fell asleep that I wanted to be with her forever and that I felt like I was already in love with her. In actuality I was. It was hard, I was supposed to go back to germany in about a month in a half after that night.

I have been away from her for just over 5 months and it is still hard but we talk more than most in the same household. My Soldiers even tease me about it. I always tell them that I am so very lucky to have her in my life. Cause I am.

posted December 13, 2006 09:20 PM              

Thank you for sharing, and so detailed.

I was actually, like, cheesing through the whole read!!! I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I think what you shared really helps so many women and men, but especially women!

Of course me being as cerberal as I am, am turning this over and over in head, getting those hmmmmm, moments

I got SO MUCH from your stories! Pidaua, so brave!!! You go!!! AND, You have definitely helped me, and I'll let you know if it pays off

But that's what great stories do, pay it forward.

posted December 14, 2006 02:50 PM              

So I guess my answer is two--of course it was easy because we weren't married and didn't have children.

If one day I woke up and thought: "hmm, I don't really love my husband" would I stay?

Most definitely. For one, we have a child together. Two, we loved eachother enough to get married and it will come back (always does) and three, what is love but a lifetime of ups and downs. Sometimes you love, sometimes you hate, sometimes you are indifferent, but if you are friends and respect eachother the love will always be there, too. Cycles.