posted February 07, 2006 11:07 PM         

You are such a beautiful soul!

I fervently hope for his sake (not yours) that he does see the counselor with you. I hope that he will, however timidly at first, bravely continue his path of self-exploration/self-knowledge with you at his side.....

You are an extraordinary woman! I must sleep now.....

posted February 09, 2006 11:35 PM         

hmm, just singing that Lisa Loeb song.

Quick version cos I've got like 5 mins before I have to go.

I rang Mr A last night to arrange transport for Saturday, my mum's memorial service.

He told me he doesn't want to go anymore.....and he was breaking up with me.....

end of story.

with love
purple_scorp

posted February 10, 2006 02:17 PM         

You know that they know you're the best thing that ever happened to them, yet they run anyway -- it makes me so sad.....but no gift of Love is ever wasted, imho.....

I know you will be fine. And if he's said it's THE END, then at least you can get some closure for yourself, grieve, and move on, be open/available for the next adventure in your life! I feel for all the kids involved, who won't get to see their favorite playmates anymore.....

posted February 12, 2006 06:28 PM         

thanks 'Zala for your continued support.

It's Monday morning and I have finally caught my breath.

Here's a bit more of what happened. Tuesday night, as you know, Mr A came to my house and agreed to my three requests/needs which were (to stop his cycling and deal with issues as they arise, rather than run to the dark cave to hide away - and to be there for me all of the time, not just when he chose to be; to come with me to my mother's memorial service; to see a counsellor or talk to a friend/family member.

He cradled me in his arms on my verandah swing, while he stroked my hair and told me how much he loved being with me, and how comfortable he was with me and how he felt we could talk about anything.

Prior to his visit, I'd done a Love Pack reading and drawn the following:

What does Mr A think of me at the moment.....Laughter.

Where is our relationship headed.......Commitment.

What do I need to be aware of.....Orgasm.

What is my advice.....Bad Attitude.

What is the outcome....Falling in Love.

I relaid the same cards and asked Mr A to interpret them. Then, I added my own interpretation which was that he likes being with me and we have fun. We are headed towards commitment which will result in us re-falling in love. I had to be wary that I wasn't clinging to the sex (something that I really enjoy with Mr A, and have been scared that I would not find that same level of intensity with another partner), and that I needed to check my attitude.

The next day (Wednesday) he returned home and later that morning, I left a message on his machine to confirm that it was okay for Mr A to see my work counsellor.

I did not hear from Mr A Wednesday night, but I was mentally exhausted - as I thought he would be too, so I didn't think much about it. Although, I did half-expect a call, as after all, he did promise a commitment to me.

By 9.30pm Thursday evening, I still hadn't heard from Mr A so I rang him to confirm arrangements for transport to my mother's memorial service.

He said, I don't think I'll go. I've been doing a lot of thinking since I left your house. I can't meet any of your needs....and you kept coming up with more and more that you wanted me to agree to.

I told him that I had never asked anything of him throughout the entire relationship and that I had only put three needs to him the other night.

He told me that he didn't love me and he didn't want to continue with me.

I said, well, you've told me that some days you do love me.

He said, some days, I do really, really love you....but there are more days that I don't. Something is not right....I should be offering to support you at your mother's service without you having to ask.

I told him that we differed in that I was a positive person and if I thought there were days that I really, really loved someone, I'd be wanting to fully explore this. But instead, he concentrates on the negative times, and because he has no tolerance for friendship, it's easier to just wipe me off.

I said, you told me, when I listed my needs, that it was nothing that you hadn't expected me to say. You must have thought about it before you got there. Why did you agree to everything, only to turn around two days later and reneg.

He said, what do you want me to do.....I've tried for ten months to love you..... We could go on like this but you'll just get more hurt. Is that what you want?

And I said no, what I want is for you to talk to a counsellor about some of your issues. And he said, I just can't see it working between us....I mean, I want someone to live with and I can't see mysElf living with your two children.

So, then I said....ah.....I see.....so that's at the base of this.

I said, well, you've never given all of yoursElf to me during that time, so I really have been handicapped in the relationship because unless you give of yoursElf, you will never truly love me.

Then I said, so you're not prepared to work on the relationship? He said no, I never wanted to see a counsellor. And I said, so that's it then? He said yes, you need to let me go.....

Then he added, I'm going to pursue one of my past relationships (and he mentioned both his ex-gf and ex-wife - who has since remarried).

Then he said, I'll mail your key back....take care and good luck.

And I said, Mr A.....I hope that you find the happiness that you're looking for.....

And he said, so do I.....that's all I want.

We said goodbye and hung up.

I am disappointed in him as a person that he could not tell me this on Tuesday night. We had discussed twice (one on Tuesday afternoon) that he would break-up to my face.

But, I understand that people do what they need to do.

I wasn't sad when I hung up. I think I was shocked. It was such a turn-around from the love he showed on Tuesday night, when he was agreeing to meet my needs. And, I don't think I was blinded by love, or anything else. I looked deep into his eyes and spoke to his soul.

What I can't work out is whether he is truly confused, or whether he's lying to me and/or himsElf.

I feel disappointed that I was almost there.....but couldn't quite make it.

I am sad for Mr A that he has once again chosen to repress these issues, as I would have been able to support him through the process.

I hope that he is able to take something positive from our relationship. He has taught me quite a bit, mainly about self-love.

Where to now for me? I loved Mr A but I did not love his behaviour. I'm trying to rebuild my self-love and regain a sense of my vibrant sElf. I have good support from my family and friends (and the counsellor) to do this.

I have written a letter from love to his parents, brother, and sister and I shall send this off in the next couple of days. It mainly just says thank you for accepting me into your family, and briefly outlines the way I've felt throughout the relationship and why I've had to pull away.

I was very careful when writing the letter, that it just contain my feelings and it does not lay any blame whatsoever at Mr A.

I have re-edited the letter twenty times, and on Sunday, asked my step-father to read it and I asked him how would he feel if he were to receive such a letter about one of his sons.

He said it was beautifully written, that it showed a great love and concern for Mitchell and did not in any way flame or make him look bad. He said he would welcome such a letter and hoped that they would send a reply.

So, there you have it.

BTW - I'm still a synchronicity junkie......there are now all of these coincidences that I'm finding with the counsellor. I thanked Mitchell for giving me problems that I needed to seek assistance with. Otherwise, I'd have never met the Counsellor, who is definitely from the same soul group as me. Please don't misunderstand me.......there is a soul connection with the Counsellor, nothing else. It's great to find someone that I have really connected with to help me through my issues.

There is a section in a book called "Secrets about life that every woman should now" that talks about soul groups, and the roles that we agree to play for each other before we incarnate. The author talks about a meeting where we work out what lessons we need to learn, then souls assign themsElves to the roles necessary to achieve them.

So, in my head, I have this image of a meeting with both Mr A and the Counsellor where Mr A says, I'll play the cruel role....and the Counsellor says, then I'll come in and help you work through the damage.

On Tuesday night, I told Mr A that he must really have loved me in a previous life, to agree to play such a cruel role for me in this life and I thanked him for that.

Life is so interesting. Sometimes painful but always interesting.

posted February 13, 2006 05:50 PM         

I'm still kind of numb. Today's a bit tricky too, being Valentine's Day. But, I love me, so I guess that's all that counts. Because I know I will treat mysElf well.

love and light to you.

posted February 15, 2006 07:59 PM         

I am feeling quite low at the moment. Things were going okay for me, until, on Valentine's Day at 11:35am, I was sent a text message from Mr A.

He told me that he needed to talk with me to explain and that he would understand if I didn't want to talk to him.

So, I rang him and spoke to him for two hours, consoling him, as he was an emotional mess.

It seems, that I was part of a love triangle and he was confessing the bits that I had suspected.

His ex-gf........

He had so many unresolved issues with her, and she apparently appeared at his house one day after Christmas, asking that they get back together.

But, she had a bf and didn't want to give him up.

I went to his house, the same night that she had visited during the day. Immediately, when I walked in the door, I felt this bad energy. I didn't even know if Mr A was inside at this point. But I found him in his bedroom, and he was looking really depressed. I asked him what was going on? He fobbed me off by saying he had a whole stack of financial worries. I told him I could feel this bad energy and that I felt it was a past love (meaning from a previous life). He asked me to describe its physical appearance.....I couldn't see it, but I I managed to describe a physical appearance.

He told me on VDay that I had described to a tee, his ex-gf....and it freaked him, because she had been there that day.

A week or so after that, I sent him an email, saying, I believe you have unresolved issues with (gf's name) and you need to revisit to see if you can live out those shattered dreams, or let her go.

I found out on VDay that I had been accurate with a lot of my intuition that I had expressed to him about her.

So, here he was on the phone to me for two hours, and most of that time he was a blubbering mess. He'd basically given her an ultimatum the night before.....funny who he turned to.....me......in his time of need.

I counselled him with grace and dignity. I asked if there was any chance of a reconciliation between them. He said, he could not see it working out.....and she was dangling him on a string. I told him, I knew how this felt and it wasn't nice.

I told him that I could no longer tolerate his behaviour and had to leave for myself. I pointed out that this was also a choice for him. By the end of the conversation, he had stopped crying and was so thankful that I had spoken to him. He apologised for the way he'd treated me and told me I was a beautiful person, and he didn't want me to take his baggage into my next relationship.

He was adamant by the end of the conversation that he needed to let her go and I had offered some positive steps that he needed to follow to carry this through.

I hung up feeling very proud of myself and quite empowered because I felt like I had finally got through to him.

He rang about two hours later, but I wasn't here to take the call - he just left a message saying he'd ring back.

That night, I half-expected to hear from him but he did not ring. And, when I woke up the next day, I had a really bad feeling. I believe that his ex-gf split up with her bf, then rang Mr A (for VDay) and told him she will commit. This is a woman that he'd asked to marry him and she rejected him.......

I went through the rest of yesterday feeling really low. It was also my mum's birthday and once again, I found myself, double-grieving.

Today, I don't feel any better. I said to Mr A when he rang, why are you ringing me and why on VDay? He tried to say he didn't know. And I said, you know very well why.

But I thought it was strange that he turns to me in times of a crisis, when he's having a hard time with his new....ex gf.

I am angry that he has used me in such a way.

How many people do you know would tolerate being told by the man who just dropped you four days ago.....of his pain because of his unrequieted love? I said this to him, and he said, you are such a strong person. You are like the strongest person that I know. I wish I could be strong like you.

I told him, I am only strong because I've done the hard yards and I've worked so hard on mysel. I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved for my soul.

But today, I don't feel strong at all. Today I feel this unbelievable sadness and hurt. I was re-reading my journal last night and re-discovered all of these things that he'd done to me. Things that he'd said about my son that were just so cruel. How can someone treat another person like that?

Why did I allow mysElf to be strung along for so long. I have it written on just about every second page of my journal......I should break up with him.....I don't know why I tolerate this behaviour.

I know the whole relationship was a huge lesson for me in self-love. Wow......it was a very cruel way for the Universe to get me to learn that.

I am trying to be gentle with myself but I am angry that Mr A didn't have the decency to end it with me, particularly after his ex reappeared. I mean, come on.....the man is 40yo, not 14.

I know I have to soldier on, but I'm having a bad day. Deep breath!

I sent my letter to his parents/bro/sis and I think they would have received it yesterday. I actually posted it the night before VDay, but, I think Mr A will think I posted it after our conversation. I am very anxious about this now. The letter is my thankyou to his family for accepting me warmly and also to say goodbye. But in saying that, I had to tell them why I was stepping back from the r/ship.

I know time will help me heal. I'm angry for Mr A for dragging me back into this sordid triangle. I was doing okay up until then. I realise that it's part of the emotional abuse pattern that he subjected me too. It just makes me so disappointed in him as a person.

Anyhow, I'm going around in circles, so I'll end this post now.

posted February 15, 2006 08:29 PM         

I wish I could give you a big hug in person right now. Letting go is one of THE difficult lessons Life has in store for us. Someone I really cared about has disappeared from my life too -- without even a farewell. I've found myself withdrawing to regroup and rearrange my time. This is something a dear friend wrote to me which may resonate with you also: Know that you gave your BEST....and of course, do not second-guess yourself......you probably reached the top of his chain and rang the bell....and could not have possibly known what would happen next unless you tried....."played the game".....climbed the trellis in search of the top.....It may be simply you reached as high as it ever gets for him. Such a disappointment would feel frustrating and so sad. You have a lot to offer any man and should let go of someone who only has a 6-ft trellis.....

My sympathies for yesterday -- your mum's birthday.....

The Universe has much more in store for us both, purple -- we gave our love freely with no expectations of return, and I don't believe the Universe lets that kind of positive energy go unreciprocated. Or perhaps it WAS karma we needed to pay back, or as you've mentioned before, Life Lessons that we had agreed to participate in as either teacher or student.

posted February 15, 2006 09:01 PM         

thank you for your hugs.....can you throw in a shoulder massage too, while you're at it....I am just so tense at the moment.

I stepped on the scales again this morning, I am almost at the same weight now, that I was when I was 16yo. That's not a good thing, though my friends and family say I dont look too skinny, I'm looking just right.

I am going to a ra sheeba healing workshop this weekend, and I'm also scheduled for a massage with my naturopath on Monday, so I am trying to help mysElf heal.

I am sorry for your loss too. Where do people get off just walking away like that? I liked those words your friend sent. Thank you for sharing.

About the karma, I have a very close friend, also an evolved soul, and he reckons I've built up huge amounts of credit, and that I wasn't repaying from a past life.

Thank you also for your hugs and your love regarding my mum's birthday.

I've gone through so much stuff in the last twelve months....I'm also supporting a self-harming bi-polar sister......I know that what goes down, must come up. And I live with huge amounts of faith and hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

I'm such a positive person, I hate to think how other people get through situations like this.

love back to you, 'Zala. Take care.

posted February 15, 2006 09:13 PM         

You are such a wonderful soul, I wish that you weren't half a world away so that we could be friends in the flesh! Consider yourself massaged, both ego and shoulders

My spirits are somewhat crushed right now, but I'm an incurable optimist, so recovery is inevitable We'll take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, without those that we cherished -- and soon the healing will come.

And tomorrow WILL be a brighter day!!

posted November 05, 2006 11:06 PM         

Hello Mr. Cappy!!!

You said you were going to post some synchronicity stuff, luv

posted November 07, 2006 01:06 AM         

Here you go again, bringing up the dead - lol.

Yes, Mr Aries has gone, but not until I reunited with him another two times. Long and boring story. Gone forever now!

So, now I am with a wonderful, gentle, caring, and love man, a capricorn. I've written about the synchronicities here.