posted October 27, 2005 05:14 PM         

Well, I replied… I feel as if a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. And that bitter touch of excitement and nervousness waiting for his reaction with anticipation. I truly wish he makes this easy, at least not too difficult, for me. I really want to put it behind and I’m afraid he will try to play mind games and emotionally blackmail me. And I need to do it well this time, I need to stop it.

It was cold and direct, too formal, very polite and detatched. He even could think someone else checked my mail and replied. A couple of sentences asking him to send my letter and a thank you.

Cappy, it does mean a lot to me to do things right. I don’t want his hate. I know there will be some degree of resentment because, as a child would do, he will have a selfish rant because I won’t be there when he needs me. But I don’t want to seek his pain, I don’t want revenge. He deserves it but it’s not my call to punish him. It’s enough punishment to be the way he is. I only want to depart. We have suffered enough already.

We did have beautiful times together. Scarce but we did. And for the sake of them, I don’t want his memories of me to go bitter, not more than the stricly necessary. I wish my pain was worth something, that I taught him something.

I believe in karma. In the exchange of energy. It’s not good being hated. Hatred only brings bad things. I want him to remember me as the wonderful woman I am. I want to remember all the good he did to me, all the protection, how much he respected me and the sunny three first months of our relationship. That’s the only way I can let him go.

posted October 28, 2005 06:05 AM         

i think u hit the nail on the head when u said dat..........it IS enuff punishment jus to be lik that...........i get the feelin he is too complex fr even himself to u/s.......n im sure his own indecision(or watevr it is) tortures him enuff.

"I wish my pain was worth something, that I taught him something."
im sure it did..........n if he has'nt learnt anythin as yet,he will soon..............ther is jus one Steelrose, n he knows that....ther are'nt many women out ther willing to take the crap he dishes out..........he knows he can get that love only from u......

"I believe in karma. In the exchange of energy. It’s not good being hated. Hatred only brings bad things. I want him to remember me as the wonderful woman I am. I want to remember all the good he did to me, all the protection, how much he respected me and the sunny three first months of our relationship. That’s the only way I can let him go."
im sure he will not remember u as anythin but beautiful/wonderful
you have beautiful thots.......n ur so nice that u cannot think of anyone in a bad light......so thers no chance anyone will ever think of U otherwise...

love
diya

posted October 28, 2005 11:11 AM         

quote:

---

I feel as if a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. And that bitter touch of excitement and nervousness waiting for his reaction with anticipation.

---

posted October 28, 2005 04:24 PM         

I feel much better. I did what I had to do. My reply was only to get my letter. I did not offer him any chance to catch up with my life. He did not get a reaction, good or bad… He didn’t get an emotional response. I ‘m in control. If I’m nervous it is because I don’t trust him, because I don’t know what to expect and he probably will try to play mind games. I think I’m strong enough to face it. I have decided not to get into word battles, recrimination or emotional blackmail. I don’t think I will ever e-mail him again, but if I do, it will be detatched and polite. Facts and no feelings. And only if I consider it’s strictly necessary to get him out of my life. Yes, I’m in the process of cutting him off. You are right, that’s the only way to survive this relationship. But I’ll do it right.

And yes, I want my letter if I can get it. And I also want him to know that I got his email and I don’t care anymore. That he wont get the same response from me anymore. That he lost me. I wanted him to know that he has to move on and let me go. Not replying could, in fact did, make him think that I never received his e-mail. How in this Earth he would imagine that the doormat was once for all wanting to abandon him? And he would try to get to me with other means.

After e-mailing him back, I saw an sms I had since lunch time. From him. He never texts me. It was agreed that we would use that as an emergency only… He had been 3 months missing, I don’t reply in only 3 days and he gets worried and texts compulsively to tell me that he wrote in case I was no longer using that e-mail address… God, he made me laugh… So pathetic… It’s over and he was thinking I didn’t receive his mail… Now he knows I did but I don’t want him in my life. And I don’t want him putting more energy into this. I just want this to disappear like a bad dream.

Hiding behind an anti-spam mechanism to filter out his messages is cowardice. I will read them and resist. I need to be strong enough. You only can win with knowledge. Ignorance of the facts is easier but less powerful. And I want all the pieces of information. I want to stop wanting him.

I’m not tempted to get in touch with him. I used to be compulsive, getting the crumbs of his attention… I didn’t want to reply that sms or talk about my life in that e-mail. I only want my letter. In a clean way. He hurt me too much ignoring my birthday, that was the key. I’m not going back. There have been a change within me. I don’t really care about him anymore. He is a stranger.

I need to be strong. And I’ll cut him off. With my will. Time has proven the longer I go on without him, the least I want him around which is good. Little by little. Step by step.

When I have cut off men the way you say, Logger, it was easier at the beginning. But then, years afterwards, my bad memories faded, my resentment gave way… and I discovered I still wanted them, that I was still in love, the same as when I let anger o resignation to take over. Until I didn’t do things right, until I didn’t get in touch with them again, my soul wasn’t free. I want to do it right in the first round this time.

posted October 29, 2005 11:54 AM         

My heart goes out to you, but know you did the right thing for yourself, asking for your letter. You are being your own champion now and I applaud you, it hasn't been easy, where you have been with this. Keep the love in your heart as you are, for yourself and for him...and when I say keep the love in your heart for him, have compassion for what has happened between you two. You are doing the right thing to take care of yourself without question for what you need to do. Those negative feelings and memories will fade as you continue to get stronger, being replaced with a healing love for life itself. Pain always comes from an unmet expectation no matter how realistic we are about the outcome. I've been in the position you had been with the indecision about what to do and do know how binding it can feel at the time, to stay or to go...

Love to you and hugs!

posted October 30, 2005 05:39 AM         

I must confess I felt tempted last night. I felt that oppressive of being commanded, of being begged by him in the distance. I’m sure he was waiting for it all day, putting his thoughts obsessively on it all day. I felt kind of cruel, almost revengeful… I had to keep reminding myself that this was the only way to get out of this vicious circle, it’s nothing to do with punishing him… it’s all about saving my soul.

I felt pity for him, I always do. I’m sure he was miserable yesterday. But it’s all his own making.

I need to remain focused. He is going to try to get me back. And I need to be hard. Even with myself.

posted October 30, 2005 09:44 AM         

*OMG* I'm like. Well, okay...smile, smile. Next day I call him and tell him that I'm not going to be around that much...I've got things I've got to be doing. *smile* He can go on with his harem, but he's going to have to have one less person in it...Me. *big smile* and I leave it at that.

posted November 18, 2005 04:06 PM         

Well, he sent me the letter… He took a couple of weeks but he did. I didn’t expect him to. I thought he’d keep it as a hostage, to have a link with me, for me to contact him.

I must admit he surprised me. Positively. He has these noble gestures, like this, precisely when you expect a blow… He touches my heart that way. Behaving with honesty, fairly, maturely… in this unexpected manner… He is able to do things very wrong, but also very well… I think it’s a Scorpio thing…

Even when it hurt him to the core that I didn’t say happy birthday, he knew it was fair. He hurt me and he knows it. He knows me to the core in many ways. So he didn’t let himself go blind with revenge and pride… and sent the letter.

Maybe because he also know that now it’s the only way. His only chance with me. He has pushed me too far.

posted November 19, 2005 04:09 PM         

and i am sure he doesnt HATE you, or he wouldnt be thinking about you. I really don't think people spend time disliking someone they call or email or write. if he didn't care, he wouldnt contact you.

posted November 20, 2005 12:03 PM         

No, he doesn’t hate me… Not now… He doesn’t have any reasons to, he was the one pushing me out of his life for no reason after having turned my world upside down. He distroyed my dream of staying in the UK. I couldn’t carry on once he left me, once I had sacrificed my safe space and my little equilibrium to move with him. If someone could have hated in our story it was me. I chose not to. I chose to acknowledge the good he gave me after all.

Now it’s my responsibility to leave him behind. To put an end to this. The same as I had to step forward and risk at the beginning to start the relationship. And it hurts like hell.

I wrote that e-mail. I was dying for opening my heart and talk to him as I used to do. I was dying for sharing what is going on in my life. But I didn’t. I said thank you. I was warm but succint.

posted November 20, 2005 01:47 PM         

WOW, your story gave me the creeps… It resembles to mine in many ways… At least I must be grateful because he didn’t cheat on me while we were together.

We used to work together too. He went completely nuts for me and took him two years to get me. I gave him a chance. He promised me the Moon and the rest of the Solar system. He was so pasionate, so apparently honest… So I made the mistake of trusting him my life. I had to sacrifice my world to move with him, it was easier for me as I was foreign anyway. He had a child so he was stuck in the place he lived. And I lost my world and my freedom for him.

So when he had me, when I was stuck, when I started to love him, when I had lost everything else, he decided I was a burden. He suddenly he discovered he didn’t love me enough. First he froze leaving me alone in the dark. Then he abandoned me.

He must have loved me a lot. Because he still stuck with me. He didn’t start dating other women and kept coming back to me. We were together for a year without any compromise, without any promise of a future. I stayed because I loved him and I thought he’d reconsider. He ended up pushing me back to my country to get rid of the emotional dependence. That year was torture.

Now he is behaving as that dirty and cheap man with no values he used to be regarding sex and relationships. I’m ashamed of him. He keeps coming back for emotional support as a lost child when things get tough. Without any responsibility towards me.

But I know he did his best. He tried to behave with me. He was faithful to a woman who he was scared to love. Needing sex but not getting it with other women who would make it easier for him, stuck with a woman that wouldn’t stay in the long term. Who was so unhappy with his life that spent most of the time crying, making scenes or upset. A woman he couldn’t make happy. He was the best he could be. He didn’t know how to be loving. That’s why he pushed me away… but he still needs me sometimes, irrationaly… He can’t be better than he is. I just need to learn to accept it and stop him hurting me.

posted November 20, 2005 02:43 PM         

A friend of mine is also going through this kind of experience with another Scorp… I had another Scorp before this one and it’s always the same. They know they’ll ruin it… and that certainty makes them ruin it. They get paralised by it and sacrifice what they love and need the most… You.

You only are left one choice at the end. Pick up the pieces, get up and go. Like the siren’s song, their aura keeps dragging you back to perdition.

They are lost children within. They pretend they are invencible but they madly crave love. Unlike any other sign.

posted November 20, 2005 03:09 PM         

I am a Pisces with Scorpio Ascendant, Moon and North Node.

I would like to tell you that your pain was very much worth it. He knows. He isn't yet strong enough to absorb the lesson but its stored for when he is.

I am guessing that the imbalance isn't with the relationship with you at all, it is something much older and much deeper and this pain prevents him integrating the lesson you have provded his soul.

If he is lucky the time will come when he is ready and he will let you know. And you will feel it in the most wonderful way.

I have always leaned towards my Scorpio energy for protection, but more and more as I mature I am so grateful for being a Pisces.
The dance of loss and transformation of the Scorpio is a very hard path to walk, with much pain to bear, but eventually if the circumstances are right, they will evolve and rise like the Phoenix.

And you will have been a very important part of that.

Do you really beleive the universe would allow your love to be redundant? No...it just waits for the right time to appreciate its true worth.

Rest easy and be at peace that every single moment of love you have given this man was both worth it and valuable, and will count in the end.

posted November 20, 2005 10:11 PM         

Our retreat is a way for us to feel in control of our feelings because sometimes we can feel out of control with all the emotions swimming around.

Sometimes we come back and plunge right in--sometimes it is too late. Sometimes, depending on where we are in life, it feels like more trouble than it's worth and we distance emotionally and leave. It's not perfect, but there is not a Scorp alive who truly thinks he/she is perfect. Learning the hard lessons appears to be our life's mission.

posted November 26, 2005 10:08 AM         

I’m sorry I have took so long in replying... It has been a complicated week… Because of me, unintentionally, a conflict that was boiling undernearth was unleashed at work… I hardly slept through the whole week…

Things appear to have calmed down a little bit now…

Thank you, Swerve, for your encouragement… You think so? You think he knows? Even if he does, what the hell, he still behaves as if he doesn’t. I never got to grasp how on Earth you could distroy something you love and value when you know you do…

I don’t think he will ever be ready to absorb the lesson. He’s been years in this unstable situation, with no intent to face reality of things. He’s 42 years old. I don’t know when he’s planning to grow up and stop hurting people and himself.

I don’t think I’ll be around by then, by when he is likely to let me know if he will… I need to put my life together and his presence is not helping me much…

I have seen those rises and evolutions in Scorps… But they appear to follow a cicle… So they never finally evolve, as if you were never safe with them… As if you couldn’t relax because anytime they’ll slaughter you in one of their periodic descents to Hell.

Nanny, that’s so trueeeee… They get truly sacred when they discover they love you… Why do you feel vulnerable? Can’t you see we also love you, we are also vulnerable in your hands, and you’ll break us? Many Scorps do it once and again… So what you fear you do it to others? Very nice of you…

Yes, I suppose that’s exactly what he did. Retreated. Then, when he could have considered to come back, it was too much trouble because everything was already out of control… He’d have had already dragged me around and tortured me. He always said he didn’t feel strongly enough for me to fight for it. Reading between the lines, I wasn’t worth the effort. I can assure you that makes you feel great, especially after having filled your soul with flamming promises of eternal love for months. It’s truly great.

Diya How are you doing, sweetie? How are things with your Scorp? Did he leave you alone at last?

In the meantime, my ex replied to my e-mail. He took only 4 days!!! WOW!!! I’m so honoured!!! Warm and succint. My style… He got the hint. Something is terribly wrong, I’m close to wash my hands of him and his life… He senses it… And he doesn’t dare to fire me up… He is waiting, to warm me up, trusting all the intensity that once got us together will keep us tied… He is waiting for me to open up…