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Author Topic:   He wrote... I wish he had never done.
steelrose
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Posts: 653
From: Spain
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 24, 2005 04:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
My Scorpio ex wrote to me after 3 months of unjustified silence. He forgot my birthday, at least he said thatÖ I think he chose to forget it. He is sleeping around again and do not remember me or miss me, otherwise heíd have written more often. Heíd never truly forget my birthday. I thought I was closing the door forever. I was terribly sad for a while but then I understood it was the best for me.

Iím angry. Because I thought this was over. I donít want this kind of cheap relationship, kind of friendship that is not. With someone who sleeps around and doesnít even say happy birthday. I will be back in the UK for work next year and I donít want him using me again.

I want this over. It hurts me more that itíll never hurt him but I donít want to be loving a man like this, missing a man like this, trapped with the memory of him for the rest of my life.

I feel like crying right now. Iím so furious. He is just casual in his e-mail, as if nothing had happened. But it has. He promised me the world and then abandoned me. He seduced me and then broke my heart. He tortured me for more than a year. I donít want his memory lurking in my life again.

I should ignore his e-mail. But he is got a letter for me. A important letter regarding some money. Maybe I should confront him and ask him to let me go forever. Iím afraid Iím not strong enough yet. Iíve been low recently, Iím feeling very alone.

His birthday is in a few days. I was going to ignore it. Does his e-mail change anything? Does saying ďIím sorry I forgot your birthdayĒ as if nothing had happened change anything?

I donít want to feel guilty of abandoning him. Of turning my face and ignore him. I always felt I had to care for him because he was too alone in the world. But he surely doesnít deserve it.

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Anita41
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Posts: 49
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posted October 24, 2005 04:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Anita41     Edit/Delete Message
steelrose,
Im sorry to hear your heartwrecking situation
It seems to me by what you wrote now here that you let him walk all over you. You are now again doubting if he can treat you bad again and if you are cruel to him if you dont mail him on HIS birthday.
Maybe its like you say, he didnt forget your birthday but wanted you to think so just so he could play with you some more, thats why he probably mailed you long time afterwords, just so he could put some salt in your sore. I dont know though, just my intuition....
If he cares about you, I dont know, i dont know your story, past, but if so, then it is definatly the wrong way to show it. He must be some kind of sadistic lover, and if you are vulnerable and weak, then stay as far away from him as possible.
My advice to you is to stay away from him and forget about him.
If he has changed and regret anything, then you should know for sure because of what he does RIGHT this time when he mails you and says hes sorry, the fact that you are full of questions and upset once again shows that he hasnt matured yet.
Stay away from him. Even if its very hard.
Focus on you

love

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Mama Mia
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Posts: 620
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Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 24, 2005 05:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mama Mia     Edit/Delete Message
Steelrose: I am just gone be blunt sweetheart, FORGET how he feels and deal with your stuff. Move on and let him go. He sounds very selfish and he cannot do anything to you that you do not allow him too. You are not his mommy you do not have to be there for him ever again in his life. Don't let him have control over your emotions like he does and you are not even involved with him. I feel you will be the victim as long as you play the victim. Don't play victim look past him now. As far as him forgetting your B-day or saying he forgot it so what him aknowledging your b-day or not did not stop you from having one. Cut him off all the way it might be hard pray about it real hard get it in your head that he is not qualified to even be a friend say it out loud that you have moved past him and see what happens. You can rise above him and not look back, he is not right make plans to forget about him it is not impossible..

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Mama Mia
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Posts: 620
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posted October 24, 2005 05:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mama Mia     Edit/Delete Message
And uh don't wish him a happy-bday you hve to learn how to give back what you get. Obviously he is not that alone in this world he has all these women to sleep around with, let them care for him..

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MoonDuchess88
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Posts: 525
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posted October 24, 2005 05:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonDuchess88     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah, I'm remembering a you wrote back in the summertime about him and I would say just drop him. This guy seems to think you're a doormat and that's not cool. And maybe I'm being vindictive, but DO NOT wish him a happy b-day if you don't want to. You're not obligated to if he's treating you this way. Much love

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SecretGardenAgain
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posted October 24, 2005 06:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SecretGardenAgain     Edit/Delete Message
ditto with Mama Mia. NO need to wish him happy bday, coz he has his own girls around him to do that. I was with a selfish leo like that for years and when i cut it off the first yr i didnt give him anything on his bday he acted all sulky like 'u always remembered my bday' blah blah. i told him straight to his face, 'thats coz i was a fool, and i just got my brain back. there are so many men who want me. why shud i be with a balding, cheat of a guy who deceives every girl in every city hes been in?' and he shut up after that, and said later, that hes sorry and that i am right he lost everything when he lost me!

whether it was genuine or not, i will never feel a thing for him again. as a human being, i might feel obligated to call an ambulance for him if he was dying, but besides that basic duty, he is nothing--and that, my friend, is injurious for a leo to hear

Love
SG

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Aphrodite
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posted October 24, 2005 08:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aphrodite     Edit/Delete Message
How old are you Steelrose? (Were you the one who posted about having an Aries friend who was hanging out with a Scorpio man?)

I think what your ex did is, hmm . . . typical behavior of what bitter exes do . . . He thinks he has an ax to grind and is saying stuff he knows will drive you up the wall and make you feel miserable.

On the one hand, he still feels a connection with you and is trying to forget you by being with other women.

On the other hand, he is probably blaming you for some other self destructive things he's done.

From your reaction, it sounds like you're not over him either and I kind of doubt that you would eliminate contact. Your feelings are still quite raw, as are his probably.

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Planet_Soul
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Posts: 587
From: The Universe
Registered: May 2005

posted October 25, 2005 04:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Planet_Soul     Edit/Delete Message
It sounds draining SteelRose, just let him go... Its not right for him to treat you badly and then walk back into your life whenever it suits him. I know it hurts, but you should not allow him to use you this way over and over and over. Personally, I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of writing him back. Keep your head up and your wits with you, you don't need a loser to take the joy of life out of you. From what I've read of your posts, you come across as a lovely and spirited person. Don't allow some sadist jerk to take that away from you. Your posts also appear as if you've been sad lately SR, you are still such a young woman with many a blessings, don't allow bad relationships to kill your faith. Tomorrow is another day.

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nannyfish
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Posts: 192
From: England
Registered: Aug 2005

posted October 25, 2005 05:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for nannyfish     Edit/Delete Message
I think he didn't write or call because he was feeling guilty and didn't have the guts to own up to it. Now that his birthday is coming around he is starting to think about the people that matter to him---as we tend to do around our birthdays---and he made contact.

I know everyone is suggesting that you don't send him a b-day car, but I think you should. Send him a very nice card with the word "friend" in it. Post it. Smile. And walk away.....

Good luck.

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cappy
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Posts: 36
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Registered: Dec 2004

posted October 25, 2005 05:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy     Edit/Delete Message

Well, steelrose I had a friend dealing with a similar situation like yours: an ex treating her like trash and then contacting her whenever he thought that she was just at the point of moving on. That would set her back big time.
When my friend was crying in my arm with all of the pain coming back, I told her to just not email him. The best way I found to explain why is to see his behavior as a "transfer of energy" in this case purely negative and he knows what he's doing. By not emailing him back to curse him or to wish him a happy birthday you'll be taking the first step to free yourself of your pain. By the time you get to England, the sight of him won't even have an effect on you anymore.
My friend heed my advice (which I had learnt the hard way as we all) and by summer when this guy had contacted her again seemingly out of the blue to ask her how she was going, she didn't even feel anything. She didn't reply either. By then her heart had opened up to someone else.
I would advice you not to reply to this guy's email thereby taking the power from him to hurt you (cause he knows he has it and he's testing just how strong it is still) and that you delete his email address - and block him from sending you more emails if possible. I do that with people who only bring me pain: for I figured I don't need them. It's drastic but in this game YOU have to be the survivor/winner. No cheap competition intended
Good luck

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sue g
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Posts: 4533
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 25, 2005 06:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Sorry Steel for what you are going thro.....

I definately would not send a card (especially with friend on it)....what sort of friend is that, who makes yer life mre difficult....no really I wouldnt (especialy to a scorp)...it feels like a bit of a headgame to me....

Talking from experience and knowing the Scorpio energy...as difficult as it will be....work very hard on letting go...Ive had to do this with a friend...it was his birthday a couple of days ago, and no I didnt send a card or gift, as I normally would.....

These man, whether theyve been friends or lovers, i feel, need to learn their lessons and by feeding it, you are not helping, at all.

Just my opinion, going by past experience......standing back is often the best thing to do.

Love and good luck to you

Sue xxx

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nannyfish
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Posts: 192
From: England
Registered: Aug 2005

posted October 25, 2005 07:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for nannyfish     Edit/Delete Message
I just think Steelrose was being a friend as well as anything else and friends shouldn't treat eachother the way this guy has treated her. Maybe he needs a reminder of how friends treat eachother.

Regardless, IMO it lets her have finality without the whole "should I or shouldn't I" hanging over her head. It's obviously on her mind because she is a decent person and decent people acknowledge birthdays. Not acknowledging seems passive-agressive to me. *shrug*

I personally don't know their whole history, but love could have been a part of it and in my experience, a final gesture goes a long way toward settling the mind more quickly. She will have told him that they are friends and he should then know there is no other option.

Wasn't recommending mind games, just the suggesting what might be the quickest way to breaking a pattern and moving on.

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sue g
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From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 25, 2005 08:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
I know you werent suggesting mindgames girl, and I think your suggestion was given as an honourable one...no doubt of that at all !!!

I just go for the "feel" of a situation....and once I am really hurt,and have given it all I can...I will then let go...true Scorp stlye hey Nanny...arent you a plutonian too....maybe a more reasonable one than me hey????? LOL !!!!

Steel is very very wounded at the moment and I dont feeel that wound has any chance of healing unless (even for a while) she stands back......I know it has worked for me......sometimes too we can give of a message of "walk over me again".....unless the boundaries are very strong.

I can only speak for myself and being older now,I dont allow anyone to treat me badly at all, friend, family, or partner....but this has taken me years to attain and my self esteem now is good and strong....but not all of us are at that place.

This Scorpio man, I feel will thank Steel one day for standing back and letting him really see himself....ive a feeling he might have regrets too....maybe when its too late.....such it life hey guys ???

Good luck

love


Sue xxx

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steelrose
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Posts: 653
From: Spain
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 25, 2005 05:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
Hi girls,

Iím so glad you took the trouble to reply to me. It means a lot. These are really difficult times for me. And yes, you are right, I havenít gone over it yet. I was starting to get to the surface when he wrote. I havenít felt all right since we departed. This Aries guy from my past didnít go further than an empty illusion and a new disappointment.

I miss feeling wanted. Thatís why I get walked over and over again by this guy.

As most of you say, I wonít acknowledge his birthday. He doesnít deserve it. He is behaving as a spoilt child asking to be smacked. He always behaved with that childish cruelty. As an egoist.

Now he is down. He will be a year older Ė he hates birthdays, he is terrified of growing oldÖ because deep inside he knows heíll be alone and powerless, weak and forgotten. He is obsessed with youth and beautyÖ Plus he is unemployed, not lucky getting a new job. Money is running out. And those women he is sleeping with are just pretty and empty dolls who care a doodle about himÖ The anniversary of our final goodbye is coming too close for comfort. Thatís why he is reaching out to me. Itís not a game where he tries to dominate me, itís far simpler than thatÖ He needs me now and doesnít care about how I feel about it. Yes Nanny, now, close to his Bday, heís missing me because I have been more important that he will ever accept.

I donít want to be there for him this time. But I want him to understand that he lost me because he was selfish and cruel. Not because I used him and now he is no longer needed. Heíd lie to himself before accepting that it was his fault.

He is not a friend. I tried to be his friend but we never were. Passion was a too big part of the equation and there was too much pain involved. Iím sure he loved me to some extent, but he made me suffer (he still does) too much to make it worth it.

Mama Mia, itís fine to be blunt. Sometimes itís the only way.

Planet and AnitaÖ

WOW, SecretG, that was cool!!! I wish I could one day do thatÖ

Aphrodite, Iím 28. Exactly, you hit the nail: ďwhen it suits himĒ. It was always that way. I tried to adapt to him, too hard for comfort. It was alwas what he wanted when it suited him. And yes, I posted about a friend dealing with TWO Scorps at the same timeÖ One of them already mistreated herÖ Weíll see, Iím not holding my breath for the second eitherÖ

Cappy, you are right about the transfer of negative energy. I would only hate him through words because Iím so hurt by his behaviour.

Nanny, he doesnít understand the term ďfriendĒ the same as I do. For him a friend is someone he can go to bed with when he needs to unleash tension without any kind of commitment or responsibility. Someone he can reach to only when he needs it, no matter how long the period of time and without giving any true emotion to.

I already did a lot to show how important he was. Little gestures. And big gestures. As only Virgos know how. Even when I had already decided to come back after he pushed me away, after that year of fighting him against himself, even when I already had packed and bought my flight ticket. Even from here. Itís not worth it. When you think everything is fine, heíd dissapear for weeks or inflict a wound.

Sue, you are always so wise that stunnes me. Every time. You truly do.

The question now is what I should do about that letter of mine he has. I know he is using it as an excuse but it has financial information that may be importantÖ Shall I e-mail him only about it before his birthday without saying happy birthday or shall I wait a few weeks? Shall I complete ignore him even if that means that he may not send me the letter? Heís got an address he can send it to but he is just asking to have an excuse, to get a reply, even more, to get the address of my new place.

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sthenri
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From: Generic New England City
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posted October 25, 2005 06:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
steelrose, I had an ex like yours. ignore the letter for now as you do not have any responsibility right now. Ignore the letter for a few weeks because it's not crucial and it's too close to his birthday for contact, he will manipulate your emotions again. The reason is because physical things mean nothing to him, only emotions and emotional games. Earth women really don't have the armour to deal with it, keep a distance, and if he calls ask him what he wants and that you wish him well but he has to get to the point. Keep it cool.

Tell him to have a nice day and hang up after he's done. Don't get involved emotionally, or seek him out.

Good Luck, letting someone push your buttons is really like handing that man an atomic bomb and saying here's the red button. You are too important,

Hug,
Natasha

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sue g
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From: ireland
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posted October 25, 2005 07:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Natasha........great advice........

xxx

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cappy
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posted October 25, 2005 09:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy     Edit/Delete Message

Great advice Natasha!!!

Steelrose, my friend's ex did the same kind of "hostage" of personal belonging to get back into her life whenever he felt like it. In that case, it was her mother's wedding ring (she died of cancer and the ring was that much more precious to her). He would find every excuse to not send it to her and yet contact her on the pretense of wanting to send it...
Take care of yourself steelrose. The tide will pass...one day at a time.

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fayte.m
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posted October 26, 2005 12:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for fayte.m     Edit/Delete Message
I do understand!
I have two ex husbands! Yours sounds like a blend of the two of them.
I walked away from both of them AFTER I became disabled. It was scary to do. But I could not keep letting them walk all over me and be nice only when it was when there was something they wanted...
Then back to being uncaring and or control freaks jerking my emotions around every which way.
I do understand!
And if a heavy older woman like me can walk away from my two exes...and find love....
You pretty lady will find love too! Or he will find you!

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Planet_Soul
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From: The Universe
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posted October 26, 2005 12:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Planet_Soul     Edit/Delete Message
(Hugs) Love Natasha's advice. Try to distance yourself emotionally, this too shall pass...

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cathy1111100xxx
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Posts: 118
From: australia
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 26, 2005 02:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cathy1111100xxx     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Steelrose

*He always behaved with that childish cruelty. As an egoist.*

I hate to quote Dr Phil but

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Learn to value yourself, you deserve better than this

Love and Light

Cathy

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let ther b light
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Posts: 122
From: bombay, india
Registered: Aug 2005

posted October 26, 2005 07:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for let ther b light     Edit/Delete Message
hey steelrose
im really sorry i cud not post earlier........
im really sorry to hera abt ur scorp ex
im sure he did not forget ur birthday but jus chose to ignore it..........quite a prick i must say..........he wants to contact u only when it suits him....becoz lik u said he probably needs u now.........extremely self centered.

u have already gone thru hell.... n u no, that u cannot let him doit all over again........remember u told me abt my scorp ex bein a spoilt kid who wanted that candy behind the counter........i think u had putr it in really well......it was great advice............for u as well.

i have been forced by my sis n her guy(whom i shared my feelins with jus las night), to recite this 'mantra' every time his thots creep in my head........it has a generous sprinkling of the choiciest hindi badwords!!!!!!!!! .........lol....its too funny.i think u can come up with somethin similar

n abt the letter i think natasha has already given gr8 advice.....keep us posted

love n hugs
diya

ps; sorryfr the late reply

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Stargazer
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Posts: 256
From: Columbus OH USA
Registered: Aug 2005

posted October 26, 2005 02:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message
Steelerose..... Hi honey... Don't you hate that... just when you are almost to the point where you can think straight again.... they show up or contact you.... It is hard to resist but resist you must...you know that being sucked back into the vortex of his charm is akin to getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. You may or may not survive the trip.
He blew it with you... remember? He has yet to truly realize that... feel that ....because you are always there... don't be anymore..... i know its hard...very very hard. Wishing you much strengh... Angela

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steelrose
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Posts: 653
From: Spain
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 27, 2005 04:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for steelrose     Edit/Delete Message
I'm thinking of replying that e-mail today. Just to get it out of my mind and forget about it. Just asking him to send me that letter to the address he has. Nothing more. And then ignore his e-mails.

That thinking what is best is consuming me. One day I think I'll wait a month or 2 just to treat him the same as he does because the letter can wait. Then the following day I think is best to do it now to make clear that I have read his e-mail but I won't say happy birthday. Today I only want to get over done with it...

Do you think I am overlooking something? Is doing this too bad??? Most of you have advised I should ignore his mail for now... But I think it is just torture...

I don't want him to hate me either. I just want him to vanish from my life. Without more pain.

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sue g
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From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 27, 2005 04:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Steel

Do what you have to do girl.....and then move on...... I feel whatever YOU decide to do, will be the right thing.......truly I do.....xxx

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cappy
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Posts: 36
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Registered: Dec 2004

posted October 27, 2005 09:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy     Edit/Delete Message

Steelrose,
I understand the pain you~re going through having been in a similar situation where I couldn~t draw the line to say Ót~s over. At one point, I realize I couldn~t let someone or a situation determine my actions. I had to get back to controlling me, my emotions, and expectations.
whatever you do Steelrose, make sure that you get back to control again before it all happened. Why does it matter so much to you whether he hates you or not? I was at a point in my life where I cared that someone didn~t hate me...would do anything to save what I called a ^friendship.^ I finally saved myself when I realized that I had no control over him hating me or not, or saving what I thought was our friendship. So I guess what |I~m saying is that there comes a point where you have to let go emotionally (it doesn~t matter that he hates you or not, it~s his deal) and/or materially (I know the letter is important but is it more important than your emotional well being? He seems to be holding it in order to play with you) in order to gain a sense of stability again.
Good luck with whatever you decide. It~ll be over one day.

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