posted December 14, 2008 07:24 PM         

It's funny how people find "wise men" over and over to follow, and there is always someone presenting the evidence of his "other side" and yet people continue to expect wise men to be all love and light. The stronger you are... the more darkness you are capable of transmuting. The outside circle just gets bigger. Asking for a deep, intimate relationship is like being at the point where you finally feel you can handle the balance of Light/to/Darkness ratio you already have and you are looking at the Void and saying "BRING IT ON ***** !" If you aren't getting it you aren't ready and should be thankful to the wise Universe for having patience with you and gently patting you on the head and giving you a little less. I know I wasn't ready after my divorce and it was a blessing to be Deep Intimacy Free. But I did ask from time to time. And there was a point when I did send the equivalent of "Bring it on!" out into the Universe. And as always...
It was Brought.

Now I've got work to do. We all do. The question is... can you handle MORE work. Because that's what a deep, intimate relationship invokes. If you are actually trying to Love the person, and not just using them to your benefit and their detriment. Which a lot of people do often, some not at a conscious level, and everyone can do from time to time.
Most people get married, not recognizing or understand the deep work true marriage takes... and then bring children into the marriage also not understanding, recognizing or consciously committing to the actual "work" required to forge a deep, intimate relationship with the people they have been given. Right in front of them. That is why everyone is so lonely. No one understands what it means to love and no one teaches their children through conversation or example. Well, "no one" is too inclusive a term, but apt enough it seems.

We have a hard enough time loving the people God puts right in front of us. That's why adding sex to it (Polyamory) is completely unwise and simply another effort to "fill" yourself with earthly pleasures/things instead of actual Love. I don't believe all of those people are actually loving each other deeply and intimately. I believe it is just surface.

But then...
I'm a deep girl.

Sun, Mercury and Pluto in the 8th House
Venus/Uranus in the 9th in Libra/relationship
and all of them connected by conjunctions

Saturn ruled

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posted December 15, 2008 06:14 AM         

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Everyone who enjoys witnessing my insanity and moments of clarity on this thread please leave a token smile or thumbs up

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Oh hell yes!

If only to make me feel better for the 300+ posts on my own sanity/insanity thread. Seriously though Mel, I don't think anybody who is in the business of engaging with someone on a love basis should be under any illusion about what a mind-melt it can be. I appreciate when people try to be honest about the struggle. Don't worry if you think it doesn't always make a lot of sense to the reader (it often does actually). It's yours. If it helps to write, write. I'm honoured that you share it. You, Lets Dance - I love your threads. I often don't have a comment at hand, but I find both your threads a great comfort. I think "God, I am not alone in my madness". It's evolution in action. But evolution works one step forward two steps backwards sometimes.

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Today I feel totally nuts and nothing has really changed other than my view of the situation

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A different view is often all that's needed to help a situation. I read in Terry Lamb's book on the weekend ("Born to be Together" - amaaaaaazing) "If there is a problem, look within" (paraphrased from many different spirtual and religious texts I am sure). I had a good think about that one. It's helpful to know that you don't have to look to anyone except your self to change the mood you're in. That's a comfort to me because I have realised that I can rely on myself after all. Terry Lamb talks about the ego getting involved in true soul connections. And our own Dr Zala says don't trust your intuition if there is ego and fear involved, you can't rely on it. Try to remind yourself that when you feel doubt it is your ego talking. Your fear and doubt. That's not to say you should love unwisely, that's different. As far as I'm aware there is no need to doubt a happy feeling if the man is treating you kindly. Go with the happy feeling I say. I would recommend the Terry Lamb book if you can afford it. It is such a feel-good wise book.

All about loving wisely from the heart. And you have an advantage dear Mel - you know the work involved in having a relationship.

posted December 15, 2008 06:31 AM         

He was very late to a special meal I made him yesterday, for which he didn't apologise. He didn't even realise he was late, by over an hour. I felt able to think "No, I don't like that behaviour" and to bring it up with him in a kind way. Whereas before I probably wouldn't have because I was not able to see the difference between heart-love and ego-based love. I would have brought it up with him but it would have been motivated by a feeling of rejection, paranoia, worry, hurt and his apology would have made no difference to my point of view. I would still have worried. I would have been outraged that he didn't even realise he was late.

But he said "I am really sorry. I just didn't realise I was running late". Turns out he was having a crap day. He'd had an argument with someone, and was sitting at home thinking about it and getting upset. Me and the meal were not top priority in his thoughts that day. That's ok. If I expected that they should have been then that's my ego talking. I was ready to hear his explanation. In fact the real difference was that I trusted that he had one, a good one. But he needed to hear that I was also concerned because the meal I'd made was all but ruined. Which I was upset about because I am generally proud about what I serve up to people and I was not proud of the meal I served up. My pride in cooking is of a creative sort, not of a show-offy sort. In the way that 26T wouldn't dream of exhibiting a painting she wasn't satisfied with. And it is a way that I demonstrate my love. I recognised that this pridefulness was not ego talking, it needed to be raised, I felt it important. I heard him, he heard me. I accepted his apology and all was calm and lovely. Big, big difference to my approach thus far in this relationship. I know he felt the difference because he was different with me. Tender. And appreciative that I can bring up things I don't like in a calm way. We are all entitled to do this.

Now he understands me better. He knows that I care about food in a way that he didn't before. It is more than calories on a plate, for me.

Now I understand him better. I know that there is no freaking way I'll ever cook a souffle again and I am much better off with a stew or casserole which will suit his mutable ways.

Blah blah Mel, thread takeover again. But my point is situations CAN change for the better just by altering your own view/attitude. Often very dramatically. You are feeling nuts today but you have the capacity to feel sane if you want to. Don't doubt your feeling about this man. You're already in this. You have a connection. You might as well feel good about it! Does this make any sense at all I wonder? Please trust him Mel, if he is treating you respectfully. If you feel he is not sometimes, it's ok to bring that up kindly. People need space to grow and develop. He might not be there yet. Doesn't mean he doesn't feel for you. (Credit to Z for that insight, it's not a Wheels Original). Keep your heart open and he might grow towards you. He will sense when he is trusted.

posted December 16, 2008 11:47 AM         

"Dr Zala says don't trust your intuition if there is ego and fear involved, you can't rely on it."

That's exactly what was going on and I was falling for it. Without your words I still would be. I See now. Thank you. ♥

I have to think for a while now. ♥