posted September 01, 2009 01:51 AM            

I don't even know what to say. It's amazing to me when our friends tell me how perfect he and I are together and how envious they are of our relationship. It's all a big lie and I'm not even sure I understand how it looks like something it so clearly is not.

Nothing with him is what it seems. I've tried for almost six years to make sense of it. At first I thought he needed emotional support and he ate it up. I've come to learn that he is a black hole and he will suck up anything given to him and he'll simply find a way to get what isn't freely given.

It took a while to see that, though. I don't even think he's aware of it. He seems to be completely unaware of anything except what he wants and he honestly believes he is something other than what he is. It's really f'ed up and I can't even wrap my head around it to try to understand what I'm dealing with.

This has been eating me up for so long, but I haven't really said much to anyone about it because none of it makes sense to me. I can't even explain what the hell happened here. All I know is that I am not me, and I know that as long as I am here, I will not be me. I know this is an absolute truth.

We have children and one on the way. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm homeschooling my son. I have no means right now to support myself if we were to divorce. I feel so ridiculously stupid for having gotten myself into this situation. The decisions I made seemed like the right decisions.

On one hand I can't blame myself entirely because he's not an honest person and he deliberately manipulates. I think he really believes it's for the good of the person he's manipulating, and he was raised like that. His mother's the same way. On the other hand, I felt it in my gut. From day one. But he was the picture of stability, and that's something I've always run from. It seemed to me for a long time that I was the one with the problem. I thought I needed to learn to settle down and provide a stable life for my son.

With clear vision I can now see how this was tremendously advantageous to the man I married. I'm sick over this craziness. It's so disorienting to be with someone like this.

If nothing else, I have always credited him with being the one who taught me how to commit. It's true. I'm glad I learned that lesson, just a little ticked about the price I paid for it.

Before I realized things with him worked on a one-way basis, things were great. I didn't see the darker side until I made it known that I also have needs and plans. Usually his answer to these things was that if I don't like it, I know where to find the door.

The bizarre thing is that he's very nice. Never complains about me unless I have an issue, whereupon he becomes defensive, no matter how gentle I try to be. At this point he blows up on me, rejects anything I say, denies anything he's done even when I've heard him and seen him with my own ears and eyes. He can say something one day, then deny it the next. It's really hard for me to understand.

Tonight I decided to give it one more try-- to clear the air and lay the cards on the table. Acknowledge hurts and try to get on the same page. I said to him, "I feel like things have been getting more distant with us," at which point he cut me off, pointed hsi finger at me and said, "and that's YOUR fault."

Well, that was enough for me. I think he pretty much slapped a bow on things right there.

Anyway, I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of sweeping things under the rug. Most of all, I'm tired of ignoring MYSELF. I thought I was on the right path with him. I'm not convinced that I was on the right path before him, either, but I do know that this was a very wrong detour.

I don't know when or how I'll obtain the means to move on with my life. I just know that the time has come for me to start moving in that direction. The hard part is that we have to stay together for a while and we have the baby on the way. I feel really stupid for that, too, but it is what it is. I thought maybe I wanted another and he definitely wanted one more. We were mostly careful, but not meticulously so. I didn't worry too much; after all, we're married. In hindsight, I feel terribly guilty for what I know is the fate of this child.

So there it is. My sad, guilty, angry, rambly confession. My brain is screaming. I hate that I'm pouring this out here. I can't seem to do it anywhere else. It's just too confusing.

I'm tired. I'm going to try to go to bed.

posted September 01, 2009 04:39 AM              

I wish you love and peace ahead, and strength and clarity to get you through this divorce.

posted September 01, 2009 05:42 AM            

All strength to you! I wish you the best. And I am sorry.

posted September 01, 2009 09:28 AM            

Taurean_Scorpion, I agree with you that he doesn't seem to love me. He really thinks he does. But the reality is that he doesn't know how to love; he doesn't know how to experience the emotion and he doesn't know how to actively love in the ways you described. He only knows how to submit or steamroll (Virgo with Aries moon.) Submission involves lies and steamrolling is oppressive. These seem to be the only options with him.

Lara, Unmoved, and cpn-- thank you for your thoughts.

popcorn, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through this twice with children. Fortunately, I know that he and his family will continue to treat the children well, and at this point we've decided on shared parenting since neither of us is willing to relinquish custody. In general, he's a reasonable person, just not someone that I care to be intimately involved with any longer.

*Sigh* This sucks. But I feel better just having made the decision to be done. Today he wakes up and kisses me goodbye and says he loves me. I'm thinking, were you even there last night?! It's always like that with him. A strange lack of continuity. Most of my frustration comes from trying to understand what kind of person I'm dealing with and what drives him.

I know that major issues surrounding him are repression, anger mismanagement, addiction, and manipulation. I don't he knows what he does, and I don't think he's capable of learning anything else.

Thanks for letting me talk here. It's difficult to talk to our real-life friends because they just wouldn't believe it. Furthermore, as I know this process is going to take a while to begin, I don't want to put our friends in an awkward position for too long. That would just add more lies to the mix-- them pretending that everything is okay when they're around us. I can't take any more dishonesty!

posted September 01, 2009 09:41 AM            

I admire your strength and courage, do you even know how brave you are? How many people stay trapped in bad marriages for years? What you are doing is making life better for you and your kids.

Some platitudes....

Everything happens for a reason (hence the little one in process is meant to be here, and she/he will be fine)

God never shuts a door without opening a window.

Simple stuff, but worth pondering.

posted September 01, 2009 10:00 AM            

Above all else, he and I are great friends. We both care a great deal for one another. I genuinely care for him, but I can't be his mentor, his teacher, his guru, and his emotionally starved wife for much longer. So sad, because with a little faith on his part, this story could have gone much differently.

Truly, he's a soft soul who was raised to push his feelings aside and achieve, achieve, achieve. And he does achieve things, but he pushes himself beyond his means and he's found himself in some very bad situations in the past due to his misguided ambitions. Enter manipulation and dishonesty.

It's too bad he hasn't been able to learn that there's a better way. It would suit him better, suit me better, and suit our family better. He's trying to provide more for our family. In the process he's breaking the family apart.

posted September 01, 2009 10:48 AM            

To play devils advocate, are you sure, sure, sure that you guys can't fix it?

What if you printed out this post? You express yourself so eloquently, can you do that to his face, or does he not give you the chance?

Would there be any chance of couples counceling?

I am not trying to doubt you, I just wondered if all these things have been considered.

Sometimes.....it is just over.

But it is so painful. Like un-velcro-ing yourself from someone you've been attached to for a very long time.

With my first husband, it all came about so suddenly. Looking back, I can see how it all came undone, of course.
But at the time it was a shock, and I remember thinking I would never get over it.
Now I don't even consider him, one way or another, I don't feel anything for him at all. It intrigues me how time can change ones feelings and perspective so radically.

And then there is the relationships that just drag on and on.... And you wonder, "Am I living out karma with this person, or just creating more???"

It is great that you can be adult about it and remain friends and be rational. I've seen so many folks go all weirdo with a divorce, you know? Guys that didn't have much to do with their kids to begin with, spending major dough trying to prove their exes unfit, and taking her kids. It makes me sick what people can do to each other.

It is like you take a wedding photo and completely turn it inside out, twist it into a different story all together.

posted September 01, 2009 10:11 PM            

There isn't much I can add to the comments of the brave, perceptive, wise and compassionate ladies above, but I can send a big {{{ hug }}}

Like most of you, I've had my ah-ha! lightbulb moment -- where the phoenix inside you dies and sinks into the ashes, preceding the moment of rebirth into a different perception..... where you absolutely *KNOW* with complete certainty that your partnership is not going to continue and you don't even cry..... where you have more concern for him and his "stuff" (whether emotionally or materially) than you do for your own because you *KNOW* you're going to be just fine -- you've struggled and succeeded and GROWN and accomplished the really hard stuff in previous traumatic life-challenges.....

If counseling is not an option on his part (after all, it's all *your* fault ) then he has given you no choice whatsoever about the path you must choose, that leads away from your commitment to him.

My ex was a Gold Medal Blue Ribbon Manipulator -- the difference was that he manipulated people coldly, consciously. I believe you when you write that VirgoBoy doesn't even seem to know that he's doing it….. but it does strike me as rather odd (read: defensive) that the blame-finger only gets pointed at *you* and he takes no responsibility (and makes no effort) for compromise in a relationship where two need to tango…..

And your friends that think you have the ideal marriage make it so hard – they don’t realize the pressures their perceptions inadvertantly put on you (thinking, “I must be crazy, I’m not seeing things right, after all so-and-so thinks we’re so perfect together, what am I missing?…..”) and you almost conclude that you ARE the one in the wrong, even though something inside you is screaming, “No! No! It’s NOT me, I’m NOT crazy/unreasonable/selfish/etc!”…..

We’re here for you, future – you’ve got a lot of hands to hold here and experiences to share, not to mention shoulders for tears, and hearts that have “walked” the same path that now lies ahead of you…..

posted September 01, 2009 11:45 PM            

He's a people pleaser. Interestingly, he lacks the emotional skills to interact on a more intimate level, so he ultimately fails to please. Therefore, invariably the other person is going to feel a little cold. Once it's brought to his attention, he feels criticized and then he reacts defensively. It's heartbreaking to watch him go through it again and again, but there's only so much I can do.

MVM--

quote:

---

...after a while it is draining and exhausting, when you find yourself relating on that one level over and over again.

---

BTW... feel free to "ramble" as much as you like! I prefer these things to become discussions as I'm kind of uncomfortable being the only one on stage.

posted September 01, 2009 11:45 PM            

He does have a hard time accepting responsibility. He has such a fear of letting anyone down that he perceives almost any discussion of my wants and needs as failure on his part regardless of my assurance that this isn't the case.

And you hit the nail right on the head about the pressures from friends. I've struggled with these very questions for some time now. (Am I missing something here? Am I crazy) You know the ones!

And thank you for your words about the baby. It's a fresh perspective, and one that I'll have to keep handy.

Today was better, but I know I have to stop reaching 95% of the way just because he goes the other 5%. It's rough. I know he doesn't want this to fail, and I know his heart is really in the right place. He just really has a lot to learn.

It seems such an odd situation, but, clearly, I'm not alone.

posted September 01, 2009 11:55 PM            

it's so hard when you try to connect with your husband/friend/partner/lover and instead of finding a soft place to land and someone to hold your heart strongly and gently, it's you who is holding him up in the end.

you deserve your knight, a man who will be strong for you and with you and walk beside you when you ask him to.

posted September 02, 2009 12:22 AM            

It's so difficult knowing that he really wants to be that guy... he just doesn't know how. I hope he learns before time runs out. I know I can't continue to be happy like this.

Every one of you has made my heart a little lighter. I've been carrying this weight for an awfully long time.

posted September 02, 2009 12:52 AM            

Sometimes Libra Moon peeps change their moods and perspectives quite radically! You may have many moments where you feel totally convinced one way, and then the next day, feel completely different.
Add to that the hormones.

posted September 02, 2009 01:02 AM            

if it is meant for you to be apart I hope you can still be there for each other...but hope you can work it out together.

posted September 02, 2009 08:50 AM            

I've learned that I breed a lot of resentment that way.

My emotions right now are mixed because I do feel happier since having posted here and pulling my thoughts from my head to a more concrete place. But I also feel like I'm pulling for him, just in a much more detached way. I don't feel responsible for him now, but I do hope he gets it together!

BlueTopaz, I also hope something changes. And I don't mean to be selfish, but this time the change really does need to be on his end. I know I can be happy with him the way things are, but it's not fulfilling. And the reason why is because he's not operating in a fully functional way. I need him to be really present in his own life. And I've learned that there isn't anything more I can do to make that happen. I'm thinking that maybe letting go is the best thing I can do for him.

I can't believe how much lighter I feel now that I've "detached" somewhat. I like him more for who he is as he is right now, so at least he's not getting hit with my resentment vibes. This feels good.

posted September 02, 2009 12:47 PM            

The Sag is my driving force to understand/comprehend put it in a box, give it a name, and walk away with my lab coat.
The Libra Moon wants to fix it, make it right, go back and say this or that differently, get closure, what? oh! You didn't like THAT particular closure Libra Moon? Well, lets try it again. It can be exhausting. The need for everything to be "pretty" and harmonious is not reality, but it doesn't stop me.
I resign that I will be trying to fix people for my entire life. And they stick around me because they like being someones project, they like the attention, someone doing all the work, who wouldn't?

That is why I commend you for bravery, it is nearly impossible for me to let go. I just keep thinking... "what if I say it this way, and then try that? what if, what if, what if.."

posted September 02, 2009 09:42 PM            

future...I'm glad you are finding peace through detachment...that really is the key...isn't it the way, though how much we go through to get to this point? I guess this is the point of growth, to get to acceptance of what is...

posted September 02, 2009 11:55 PM            

I have another friend whose bday is the same as mine and just the other night she was telling me about her need to investigate and categorize, to understand and file information away in the proper place. Anything at all. We just have to know what we're dealing with at all times. Until I know what it is, I'm lost. We seem to have a need for the big picture before any of the details make any sense.

And Gypsee-- I feel like you're reading my mind when you talk about the Sag sun/Libra moon mindset. Everything you said is so incredibly familiar to me. It's maddening, isn't it?

At least I'm sleeping again at night. I don't deal with lack of sleep well at all! By nature I'm a night owl, until I had kids anyway. But even then, I had to get my 8-9 hours before I was worth anything.