posted April 24, 2008 07:57 PM         

sorry i'm such an irritable jerk today

i'm not usually this way

well, sometimes

posted April 24, 2008 08:05 PM         

I felt more lonely than ever, even around the sort of people who i would expect to feel somewhat at-home with.

I spoke with two young men about my own age and they seem to have enthusiastic interests in philosophy and psychology.. one of them is a psych student (and magick practitioner).

At first, I was excited, because i dont often get these opportunities.

By and by, I was a little insecure about my lack of education and my ignorance of many of the terms being used...

But, ultimately, I found them pretentious and overly-confident, or domineering, in their views;
many of which seemed arbitrarily plucked out of a hat to suit the occassion.

The more I pressed and tried to have a consistent dialogue, the more elusive and cocky they got.

At one point I expressed to them my excitement at having two similar people to talk to about these things,
and i proposed, very charmingly and trustingly, that we really try to communicate without pretentiousness,
because we know we are goodhearted people with a sincere interest in these things...
And it spun off on this discussion about what it means to be pretentious, and how that relates to free expression vs. morbid self-conscious or self-analysis...

There is a lot more, I cant seem to explain properly right now...

Anyway, it wasnt long at all before they were saying, "We dont want to think that hard right now, its a party."

And I felt so let down, because i wanted that so badly, and i rarely enjoy anything more.

I felt like their interest in these things could not have been as sincere and penetrating as my own,
although they came equipped with a bevy of philosophical and psychological catchphrases and allusions.

I dont know... Sometimes I cant tell...

Sometimes I can be so naive, and i give people too much credit, and i make myself small, you know?

I mean, they were saying how important it is to just express yourself freely and confidently.

But I was saying how important it is to get at the truth, and to have a coherent and meaningful exchange of perceptions.

There I was, hemming and hawing, at times, but expressing things of great subtlety and depth.

I was careful with my words and forthcoming about my own confusion and where I still find ambiguity.

But they were so self-assured... and so elusive.

And they seemed to have this habit of spontaneously rejecting whatever you had to say the instant it left your mouth.
They would flip it around for no reason and create ambiguity where there was none,
and we kept getting embroiled in these semantic entanglements, even when we seemed to agree upon the definitions of our terms,
and it was like I could not keep them focused on a single line of reasoning or questioning.
They just kept slipping out of things and contradicting everything.
I think they thought this made them look smart.

Anyway....

There's more. The girls there... always these semi-obnoxious, domineering women that see me and think they have to cheer me up or get me more drunk or teach me about how important it is to carry yourself with confidence, or no girl is going to want to f*ck me, blah blah blah... and what a handsome, gentle, and interesting person i was, but how that is not enough to get me laid, blah blah. Incidentally, i would not have f*cked these girls if they begged me for it, no matter how confident they were. :/

See, this is why i dont go to parties. I dont want to bring everyone down, and i dont want to attract attention by being subdued.

They all act like they want to help me loosen up for my own sake, but when i tell them i'm fine, they persist,
and its like they just want to prove some close-minded point about how extraversion is the way, the truth, and the life!

I said, "Everyone else is that way. Is it so bad to have at least one person who is subdued?"

People dont appreciate gravitas.

And, at a party, it is just out of the question.

posted April 24, 2008 08:12 PM         

quote:

---

AG, Thats incorrect.
Saturn has another ten degrees to go before it even reaches its return,
but it has certainly begun, and, whats more,
it must occur in the 8th house;
and a Saturn transit of the 8th is bad enough.

---

Sorry. I didn't say that with your chart in front of me or anything. Just figured you were the right age. I guess it occurs later than I thought it did.

I don't know what to tell all of you other than I'm extremely optimistic for every one of you.

posted April 24, 2008 08:20 PM         

interesting, AG.

posted April 24, 2008 08:21 PM         

quote:

---

I don't know what to tell all of you other than I'm extremely optimistic for every one of you.

---

posted April 24, 2008 08:27 PM         

hmmm... you think?

posted April 24, 2008 08:31 PM         

i just nod and smile and roll my eyes internally.

The worst are the students who think that by studying philosophy or psychology, you automatically have an innate understanding of such disciplines.

So, I have become two people, one who is a party person, who talks about trivial things and enjoys them, and one who you guys know here.

I have found that these people at these parties are just out there to feel good about themselves and that they are not interested in me, but are interested to feeling good through me, so I oblige by feeding their egos.

People at these parties just want to be told how fabulous they are. They don't desire to know you better. They just want to be the life of the party, to cement that they are popular and that they are "cool". No one is interested in being true at these gatherings. Everyone is trying to play their fantasy of being "popular" and stylish. it's enough to make me vomit.

posted April 24, 2008 08:45 PM         

quote:

---

I, on the other hand, am just the same, but I have learned to go with the flow.

---

I see.

No, I don't.

No two people are just the same, and you dont know what i have learned.

I am capable of putting on a mask, like you.

Sometimes, when i get tired of people singling me out, i put it on and humor them a bit.

But its really no less uncomfortable.

Its just, like Kafka said,
"a new prison is better than an old one"

i am genuinely trying to connect and discover truth,
so there must be more people like me out there...

If we met at a party, i wonder, would we have a real talk,
or would you already have your mask on,
and would i respond to your mask with my mask....

how tragic would that be?

posted April 25, 2008 01:35 AM         

quote:

---

It is a choice only if you choose not to participate in the world around you.
And I am actually speaking from personal experience.
If you don't feel like you are being heard - scream louder.
If you don't feel like you are being understood - explain it better.
There are no friends around you? Maybe you need to go search further away from your comfort zone.

---

NIce post, Yin.

posted April 25, 2008 01:49 AM         

Tracing his own spiritual journey, Satish Kumar - child monk, peace pilgrim, ecological activist and educator - considers the sources of inspiration which formed his understanding of the world as a network of multiple and diverse relationships. The book is in four parts. The first describes Kumar's memories of conversations with his mother, his teacher and his Guru, all of whom were deeply religious. The second part recounts his discussions with the Indian sage Vinoba Bhave, J. Krishnamurti, Bertrand Russell, Martin Luther King and E.F. Schumacher. These five great activitists and thinkers inspired him to engage with social, ecological and political issues. In the third part Satish narrates his travels in India, which have continued to nourish his mind and reconnect him with his roots. The fourth part brings together his world-view, which is based in relationships and the connections between all things, rather than the philosophy of dualism, division and separation which are found in Rene Descartes' famous maxim "I think, therefore I am".

posted April 25, 2008 03:49 AM         

quote:

---

Yet it's so hard to get the energy and strength to push outside the comfort zone, isn't it?

---

posted April 25, 2008 12:33 PM         

And, yes, I am speaking from a lifetime of (uncomfortable) experience.

posted April 25, 2008 01:01 PM         

Anyway, you wrote...
"Maybe not.
What's your 5th house look like?
Can I see your chart?"

So here it is...read it and scream lol!

posted April 25, 2008 02:24 PM         

If we can look past our own pain long enough to hear about other people's experiences, then we can really connect. When we realize that other people suffer like we do it makes our pain a little easier to bear.

By letting go of our expectations and desires we can live in the moment, laugh at the ridiculousness of life, and revel in the blissful reality that life truly is.

posted April 25, 2008 02:26 PM         

Hmm....

Taurus on the 5th, depositor in its detriment (Venus in Scorpio).

Taurus isnt so much "selfish" as "lazy".

But then, many mothers spoil or weaken their children
by giving too much, and being too available.

And Taurus can provide a more solid base because of its relaxed nature.

Saturn is also there... thats limiting, cautious, maybe fearful.

But also capable of creating lasting structures and strong bonds.

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

Cancer Moon, but its in the 7th (projected), and getting checked by Uranus.

I can see where difficulties would arise for you in the realm of parenting,
but, for the most part, I dont see anything that really worries me.

That Moon trine to Jupiter is awesome.

Venus sextile merc/mars is no slouch either.

Its a very cool chart, overall, if you want my opinion.

And it lines up with my own chart really well, if you want to know the truth.

Gosh... (still looking)

I bet you are a smarty.

Can I ask what you do for a living?