posted July 01, 2010 09:50 AM         

I had to push lots of things down.I think you lose your sense each time you push things down.
I had phobia's. My worst one that I still have is a fear of throwing up.


The human will do what it can to survive. You push things in holes, places you hope they will stay so you can go on.
Pushed away things have a life of their own.
They won't stay down forever.
I am slowly coming to the answer of "Why I lost my love for myself".

Ami

posted July 01, 2010 10:33 AM         

If you don't face them--Pluto will come by and blow you apart like a bomb from the inside out.

posted July 01, 2010 11:55 AM         

you sound such a lot like me in many respects.

Yes, my house has also been a source of shame for me. Guilt even. I wouldn´t let anyone into my rooms for a long time, until I had to last month (my landlord wanted to show my appartment to other people).
I worked my ass to get it into a state that I would allow anyone to come through the front door. lol

I am trying my best to maintain this state. But it is hard work, and just now I feel that tomorrow I will have a LOT to do.
But it is a symptom, you know?
Us stuffing things into drawers, things we do not need anylonger.
I even keep papers from like 7 years ago, which I absolutely do not need anylonger.

I think it is a psychological condition. Just like that overeating. Not letting go of things, stuffing them, sedating other things int he soul.
Besides how can you dare being happy, if your rooms are a mess, and if you eat chocolate like there is not tomorrow and other things?

It was actually horrible when Ihad brought some order into my mess. I was feeling like panicking. Like I had to create a bigger MESS instantly!
This is not a normal reaction I guess.

It still is not really tidy. But it is clean and I know where I have my things. And now I have to start getting rid of 75% of them. lol

posted July 01, 2010 12:27 PM         

quote:

---

It was actually horrible when I had brought some order into my mess. I was feeling like panicking. Like I had to create a bigger MESS instantly!
This is not a normal reaction I guess.

---

I laugh with complete understanding!

Ami

posted July 01, 2010 03:02 PM         

I want to feel EVERYTHING and not feel I am bad.

posted July 01, 2010 04:13 PM         

Thank you DD

I am gonna surround you in hearts!

Ami

posted July 01, 2010 04:37 PM         

you have such a big heart. I am sure there is still place for yourself in there.

I actually did that. At once time I imagined looking at me from the outside, doing the things I do, thinking how I do and all of that.
And then suddenly, in my mind`s inner eye, I saw this little girl. I suppose that girl was me. And she looked so utterly lost. Someone had to help her.
And I asked her why she was doing all these things she does, even though she knows they are wrong and not good for her.
And she was looking up at me with these big eyes, her lips quivering and whispered: "I am so afraid."

And then I knew I had to protect her, and I hugged her (inside my mind) and promised her that we would find a way together to deal with her, our, fears.

This must sound utterly shizophrenic I know.
But from that day on things really improved. Everytime I start beating me up for something, I am reminded, that if I beat myself up, I am hurting that little girl inside me, too, whose only "crime" is wanting to be herself, and who out of fear denies herself exactly that.
I understood that my first responsibility is to her (me), not my mom, Dad, my boss or the models on the cover of some magazines. lol

posted July 01, 2010 05:02 PM         

quote:

---

Thank you, Ami.

you have such a big heart. I am sure there is still place for yourself in there.

I actually did that. At once time I imagined looking at me from the outside, doing the things I do, thinking how I do and all of that.
And then suddenly, in my mind`s inner eye, I saw this little girl. I suppose that girl was me. And she looked so utterly lost. Someone had to help her.
And I asked her why she was doing all these things she does, even though she knows they are wrong and not good for her.
And she was looking up at me with these big eyes, her lips quivering and whispered: "I am so afraid."

And then I knew I had to protect her, and I hugged her (inside my mind) and promised her that we would find a way together to deal with her, our, fears.

This must sound utterly shizophrenic I know.
But from that day on things really improved. Everytime I start beating me up for something, I am reminded, that if I beat myself up, I am hurting that little girl inside me, too, whose only "crime" is wanting to be herself, and who out of fear denies herself exactly that.
I understood that my first responsibility is to her (me), not my mom, Dad, my boss or the models on the cover of some magazines. lol

Sounds crazy? Well, maybe. But as long as it works.

---

Not one bit crazy,DD. You know what is neat. We are from different countries,different backgrounds but we feel the same.
There is something very heart warming in that!
x o x Ami

posted July 01, 2010 07:13 PM         

I liked myself, then. I was enough.
Enough--I did not need to be the best, the most. What I was was OK.
That was the key.
I was enough as is.

I liked myself.I valued certain things.
My grandmother told me that having integrity mattered, that the hard things in life were the important things. The hard things like character made you someone you could be proud of.
I took that as important. I took that as making me something, someone who meant something.
I had a self and that self would not sell out for anyone .
That self was "me" way down deep.
That self made me feel solid.
That self took me a ways until I gave it up.

posted July 02, 2010 04:08 AM         

Ami

posted July 02, 2010 04:29 AM         

if you feel it is the right thing to do to open up here, it is.

I am sure you know that many people can read it, too, so I guess you are not saying anything you don´t want to.

Personally I find opening up in a rather anonymous surrounding, which is a forum like this, can have a cathartic effect.

And after you have analysed all of this, you can leave it behind. I am sure of it.

There are different "right ways" to deal with these things, as people are different.

BTW you know that you can always edit the things out you don´t want to remain here.

posted July 02, 2010 04:41 AM         

Thank you DD for your sweet words!

Ami

PS I have a 8th house stellium. I have an excuse

posted July 02, 2010 04:41 AM         

Ami,

Believe it or not i am actually saying the most constructive and positive thing for YOU here. The question is: "do YOU want to change? Really?" because your response to me suggests otherwise.

Anyway, i won't bother again... i don't believe i've actually done anything horrible to you except expose your bf as a man with little integrity so there is no need to take everything i say so negatively. For all you know i could be the one person whom could truly show you the light, so to speak.

posted July 02, 2010 04:58 AM         

I'm not saying "shut up" at all.... you see, it's interesting because i am actually the only one here helping you without subscribing to the "oh Ami, you're such a lovely person" and feeding your i'm unloved addiction and you turn on me!

So this could possibly mean that you don't really want to change because your emotional side and your ego actually loves this state because of all the attention it gets and all the caviar or 'words' that its fed.

Can you even see that as a possible? or are you just going to carry on and deny my wisdom and actually live an entire life of 'poor me' when there's nothing poor about you to be labouring the point. Give yourself a kick up the backside and tell yourself that you are incredibly blessed and how dare your ego try to turn you into a loveless, suffering, ego-fed person when you are in fact the opposite.

posted July 02, 2010 05:38 AM         

I think there's some confusion happening here.

Positive self-affirmation - great idea!

But the rest sounds N/A.

As far as I know, these past few weeks are the first time in Ami's life when she has laid it out there and opened up. she was NOT allowed to open up by her mother and later by her husband. She was told to "lock it up" basically - whenever she had an emotional problem.

If she did what you suggest.. If she changed to a sunnier disposition and said more positive things, *right now*.. She would only be repeating what she has already done her entire life: hiding the negativity - and pretending it is all sunshine.

Positive words are awesome - when the person believes them.
But when the person is still depressed and hurt - they need to let that out and get over it somehow.. and heal, in order to then be genuinely positive (not "surface" positive with skeletons hiding in the closet.

As DD said we are all different so we have our own manner of coping with things and healing wounds.

posted July 02, 2010 05:48 AM         

Thank you all for contributing because I've actually learned a lot reading this!

posted July 02, 2010 05:55 AM         

it is just a misunderstanding here.

Ami

you´re now opening up here in LL,and showing all that you´ve suffered,things that led you to some behavioral patterns.

which are and has been very negative to yourself mostly.led you to self-esteem problems,and not seeing the real you:the perfectness that is indeed in you.

Lara,was jsut trying to help you here,and there was a misunderstangin here,just cause of the way she put things.

i believe that Lara was just sayin that ( and these things imm going to say are things which i have read awhile and i also try to do them) for our best sake,and to clear ourselves from all the clutter we have inside,we must dettact from Ego and just look within,to our own Spirit.hear our intuition and not hear out egoic needs ( which are completely unconscious and we may not be seeing them).

i have read several books too on that. ai agree that at 1st it can bea bit....wowyeee in the way that are so cvompletely new ideas and may be hard to grasp at 1st,cause it takes us to a whole new perspective in Life.

im just gonna leave here abook that it cahnged all my perspective in Life: the game of life by florence scovel. it is free as an ebook online.

she tells us that we can let go of our attack thoughts,the ones we burried deep into our subconscious,and reprogram our superconscious,which is the one that connects us to our Creative Source/God/Origin.

it is complex to explain but....i believe that Lara was trying to help you,bys aing not to focus on the past,or on the things that hurts you,and instead change your perspective,be positive.but firts..i guess that a person to do so,must be free from those attack thoughts.and then,just then,reprogram our subconscious.

posted July 02, 2010 06:04 AM         

quote:

---

not to focus on the past,or on the things that hurts you,and instead change your perspective,be positive.but firts..i guess that a person to do so,must be free from those attack thoughts.

---

I agree!
But there is this idea that talking about it does not help. That it simply perpetuates the problem. I think this is true n some cases.
BUT when the person has been keeping things locked up for years - I guess the first step should be opening up. Then healing - by attacking the thoughts, and wiping them out.