posted August 26, 2010 12:51 PM         

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81UTooWujlw&feature=related
Ami

posted August 26, 2010 03:01 PM         

We were talking.My mind was attacking me, as usual
"You are bad. How could you think that? Do you think OTHER people think that way/feel that way???
Nooooo. It is only YOOOOUUUU"

I tried to stand back and see it.Observe
I mean --Why am *I* unique in any way?
Don't we all think all these kinds of crazy thoughts?
My favorite author ,Stephen King, seems to think we do

Ami
PS Today was the best day I have had with it, though, so that is a step up .

That reminds me of my asking a guy if he had low self esteem.
He said,"Low self esteem was a step up"

PPS I see that it is this unrealistic thinking that makes depression. The thoughts from my mother are translating in to feelings of depression and low self worth.
That IS a step cuz I can see the thoughts and revise them--with time.

posted August 26, 2010 03:07 PM         

that was beautiful.
one of the greatest lessons of life is to be non-judgemental towards your feelings.

emotions transcend the moral dilemma of shoulds and shouldn'ts. they just are. they don't identify who you are in any way shape or form. they are transient.

posted August 26, 2010 03:10 PM         

x o Ami

PS Did you have to LEARN this lesson? If so, how? What did you go through in the process?How did you learn it---is my question ?

posted August 26, 2010 03:21 PM         

I want to give you a special hug and Welcome.
I don't know if this is your first time on LL but I appreciate the words you said to me.

In fact, I cried when I read them. If I can touch someone else, my struggle has meaning bigger than I and that will keep me going when I want to give up.
THANK YOU!

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 03:24 PM         

however, i felt like a prisoner to my thoughts. a prisoner to my feelings. i just felt like i was in bondage. and it just dawned on me one day that i was so hard on myself. i would always be giving other people this voice of judgment like "you have no right to be angry", "you can't love him, he did you so wrong. you have to hate him forever". "ooh! don't do/feel/think that! you will be dirty." and so on...

and i realized that there are no rules. we want so much for there to be a certain way to do things. a way we "should feel" but ALL rules and authority are self imposed. even emotional policing is purely a figment of our imagination. other people are just acting out our fears and insecurities about ourselves. so when some gives us push back after having expressed a feeling or thought, its because we were insecure about it in the first place.

i am currently erasing the words should, shouldn't, supposed to, ought to etc from my vocabulary. they are useless concepts that we use to imprison our emotions.

posted August 26, 2010 03:29 PM         

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 04:17 PM         

Then, in time ,you won't feel so abnormal and alone.
That is why I share myself as I do.

If you want to see exposed---read the thread on my mother.
I was sobbing as I wrote it. I thought 'What if no one responds? What if people shame me by saying "Get over it ,already"

I forced myself to do it cuz I can't stand this numbness anymore

Just some thoughts, Sweetie. You do what feels best.
Thank you for every word you write to me. They are precious. I just have to get here fast enough to get them

x o x Ami

posted August 26, 2010 05:58 PM         

OK, this is the thing with phobia's--they are NOT the thing you are afraid of.

It is symbolic. So, if you cure flying, for example, you will be afraid of snakes, dogs, thunderstorms.

It is something deeper which is shoved down.

ALL mental/emotional things make sense at a deep level.
They are coping mechanisms for trauma.

You can't help it, IMO/IME

You have to heal the trauma---period end!The buried stuff has to come up and out.
Then , you will be healed, permanently.

x o Ami

PS I am my own guinea pig

posted August 26, 2010 06:16 PM         

x o x Ami

posted August 26, 2010 07:05 PM         

You are not weak or bad or a baby cuz you have the effects of trauma!

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 08:58 PM         

Ami
PS Please keep writing!

posted August 26, 2010 10:20 PM         

Ami
PS If you can relate to all we are saying---you have been abused enough---I am sure lol.

If not--you could not relate--quite simply--IME

PPS Keep writing on here. We don't have to measure abuse. It is not measurable anyway.
I appreciate SO much every post!

posted August 27, 2010 01:31 AM         

And you're welcome, Ami.

posted August 27, 2010 01:46 AM         

I am confident that if Reiki Distance Healing can work, then I can make customized visualizations for Phobia Removal, after I post the basic NLP notes and exercises for preconditioning the Mind.

------------------
http://tamsoft.co.in/articles.html

posted August 27, 2010 09:22 AM         

.
Please communicate here.

You would grace me with your presence if you DID.

You would make me feel my efforts are worthwhile beyond myself and that would give me the courage to go on more, which *I* need.

Ami

posted August 27, 2010 10:20 AM         

I think I deleted my posts in an attempt to like, delete myself out of existence; petty and futile, yes (what is deleting an internet post gonna do?), but sometimes I just want to disappear. OK, often I want to disappear.

I had a huge argument with my mom & stepdad last night about racism. Instead of debating intelligently, sharing my views & trying to understand theirs, I became overwhelmed and exploded. Some of my stepdad's comments were out of line ("You were brainwashed by the radicalism at your liberal arts college"), but my final reaction was absolutely psychotic.

My behaviors don't match my beliefs (e.g., I don't believe violence is right, but I am regularly violent).

I found this on a website this morning:

quote:

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The Borderline Experience

Imagine you are faced with a minor stress - a flat tire, a clogged-up sink, or a trivial disagreement with your spouse, friend, lover, child, etc. Instead of finding an acceptable solution, your mind seems to panic. A sense of unease develops, possibly causing discomfort in the stomach or chest. Feelings of anxiety complicate the increasing sense of uneasiness and restlessness. This is followed by progressively worsening anger - eventually becoming a rage so strong it overwhelms you - even though you realize it's excessive. Over the next few minutes to hours, other negative sensations creep in - including memories of past hurts - until you are experiencing virtually every bad emotion a human can feel.

You feel trapped and vulnerable. Your psychological defenses are overwhelmed by unbearable emotional pain. You feel depressed. You find yourself unable to cope as your mind and body are now in a full scale panic. You lose proper perception of reality - jumping to erroneous conclusions in a futile effort to make sense of what's happening. As the pain continues to intensify the nervous system creates bizarre sensations such as emptiness, numbness, and unreality. You become incapable of rational thinking as the panic continues to worsen.

Your mind now desperately tries to find a way out of the pain and searches for solutions. It recalls past activities that have made you feel better. Once a method is found, your mind frantically forces you to pursue that activity to a self-destructive excess - finally resulting in a biochemical rescue. Brain chemicals are released that stop the pain and let you feel 'normal' again.

But how can you ever feel normal again knowing that such a horrible experience will return? How can you feel normal again when your self-destructive and inappropriate behaviors are witnessed by family, friends, employers and/or co-workers? How can you feel normal again when those behaviors result in financial, interpersonal, physical, or legal trouble?
For those not afflicted with the Borderline Disorder this is a nightmare we hope never happens to us. Borderlines experience it over and over - especially when confronted with stress. While individual borderlines may feel some symptoms differently, the horrible feelings described in the first paragraph (called 'dysphoria') intrude frequently into a borderline's life.

Borderlines will do almost anything to make dysphoria go away. Most impulsiveness and self-destructiveness is an effort to relieve dysphoria. Some borderlines, especially those suffering very severely, will literally cut their bodies during dysphoria. The self-mutilation is itself painless (the cuts don't hurt), yet it relieves the dysphoria.

Borderlines also suffer from intense, frequent and unpredictable mood swings that can cause 'dysphoria' even without stress. The mood swings cripple a borderline's efforts to live a happy, successful life. Borderlines are victims of an incredibly painful illness...

Like victims of epilepsy, muscular dystrophy, and neurofibromatosis (the 'Elephant Man's' disease), victims of borderline neither asked for, deserved or caused their affliction. The symptoms can be so unpleasant to those interacting with borderlines that feelings of compassion and understanding may be difficult or impossible to feel. Borderlines desperately want to be loved, but their illness makes them at times seem unlovable. They are terrified of being abandoned, yet are powerless to keep the illness from destroying relationships.
This is the borderline experience.

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