posted August 25, 2010 07:14 AM         

I realize that I could hone my experience with my mother down to one thing--a fractured self(lack of confidence,insecurity)
I will go back and write about the specifics of my life in the other thread if people want to talk about it
However, this is the result --a fractured self and I would ,very much like to talk about that.
Astrologically, your life is written in your chart.

Ami
Some astrological placements which need to be integrated in order to have a whole, confident, harmonious and peaceful self

Saturn conjunct ASC
Mars in Cancer--impotent power
My parents Pluto's were in exact conjunction with my Mars. I am afraid of my own power.
My mother's Neptune was in exact conjunction with my Pluto. I could not SEE the power of my own Pluto.
Her Sun was in exact conjunction with my Chiron. She pulled my sense of self for her own healing.
Unaspected Cancer moon--feel like I don't have a home inside myself,feel fragile
Unaspected Gemini Venus in the 7th--hard to attach to people, aloof,

I have Gem sun, Gem Mercury and Cancer moon in the 8th house-- these planets are immature and must go through a laborious process of maturation to get what someone else would get with a normal maturation process

Some Saving Graces

Venus in 7th house
Pluto conjunct MC
Pluto sextile Sun
Pluto sextile Mercury
Sun trine Neptune
Cancer moon( exalted)
Betalguese --fixed star--my Sun--gives blessings and favorable things
Gem Mercury(exalted)

posted August 25, 2010 07:16 AM         

Ami
PS Please write ANYTHING that has to do with this topic. I don't care if we go up and down and around just as long as we can talk and share and hopefully heal!

posted August 25, 2010 10:02 PM         

Mostly I have abandonment issues, sometimes I feel its better if I leave before (who ever) leaves.. Kinda like why get attached if they are going to leave anyways.....

posted August 25, 2010 10:40 PM         

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 03:29 AM         

I see from writing about my mother that trauma makes you in to an ice cube : frozen, stiff.

The ice cube cannot be forced to become water(unfreeze). It must thaw on it's own.

Love is the best way.
On LL, I have gotten love.Many people did that for me!
Someone gave me personal love ,too.

Then, there were troubles and I sobbed every day : deep sobs like your heart was gonna fall out.

Every night that I sobbed, I thawed a little .
I could not see it until months later when I had thawed quite a bit.

For me, my relationship with Something greater than myself is crucial cuz no one can hold you from the inside.

Even the best partner will fail you cuz he will be flawed, selfish, have issues lol

That is a really important lesson in the quest for healing and love.

People will always fail you and you, them.

That part can't be overlooked.

If you don't want people to fail you, hide under the bed.

I tried that but you only freeze more.

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 03:46 AM         

Dear Teasel,
I am not saying you want to but you are free to write about any of your experiences ,here.
It would be my desire if people would share
their lives , to the degree they care to, and that this thread would not be all about me.

Ami

PS Mussette, I think it was, told me on my thread about Pluto on the MC that I was not meant to be a counselor, per se, which is my profession.
I was meant to heal and write about it.

Before, I found Astrology 8 months ago, a Voice kept telling me ,"Study Astrology"

It was so loud and insistent that I gave up my normal activities and did it.

What was stranger was that people who believe in the Bible will tell you that Astrology is from the devil.
(Please don't go there lol)

I knew the Voice was telling me to study Astrology .
I am healing from the inside and as long as I am, I think I can talk about it and it will have value.

As long as I am real,I have something to offer.

That is why I am not just journaling.

.

posted August 26, 2010 04:03 AM         

"IF someone is not interested in this topic, please don't get on and tell me not to talk/whine/complain/moan etc about it---just stay off. Thank you"

I agree.
I would never do that. I also think that it would be extremely insensitive and just being a jerk.

"I realize that I could hone my experience with my mother down to one thing--a fractured self(lack of confidence,insecurity)
I will go back and write about the specifics of my life in the other thread if people want to talk about it
However, this is the result --a fractured self and I would ,very much like to talk about that.
Astrologically, your life is written in your chart."

I grew up verbally and physically abused by mother and stepfather. More so , by mother who tends to be unemotionally unstable. I didn't forgive her until 2006. She has serious health problems for years, and so a lot of many anger has been replaced with compassion. As her only child, I am aware of my obligations and responsibilities that come with that. I do what I can to help support her. It's not easy either. Sometimes, feelings of resentment creep in.
I am understand that she and I have very karmic relationship, and I am doing my best to learn the lessons of it.

I am very sorry about all that you went through.

I wish you all the best.

HUGS

Raymond

------------------
No..I am not a Virgo.

posted August 26, 2010 04:06 AM         

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 04:27 AM         

You cannot force yourself to heal or to be whole. You can only put one foot in front of the other & remember to breathe in & out.

Eventually you will make it to your chosen destination but in the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

posted August 26, 2010 08:37 AM         

I think the lyrics speak to these emotions and expressions.

Its ok, remember alot of people feel these things, This artist had to have felt it to write it right?

** a lyric in this song can be interpreted as a religious statement, I am not advocating it but if you want to take it that way its fine by me, I just want to clarify i am not pushing religion on no one.

Emotions expressions feeling

I can relate the lyrics to the emotions that surround hard times, but its up to the individual and thats just how i hear the music.

posted August 26, 2010 08:56 AM         

Mblake

Ami
Thank you for that music Mblake.
PS I am listening now. Yes, the artist must have felt it to write it.

PPS What even ALLOWS me to share these personal things here is sense that I could not be alone.

PPPS Have you ever read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath Mblake ?

posted August 26, 2010 09:33 AM         

I remember, as a child, feeling all sorts of feelings : examining them : thinking that some were ugly : some were selfish :some were totally egocentric like I ruled the world lol : some were mean : some were petty: some were jealous .

I thought,"This must be what it is like to be human"
I learned what it was like to be human by feeling my own feelings,thinking my own thoughts and not rejecting them.
Then, as a result, I knew what other people were feeling .

That feeling level was what my mother ran over like a Mac truck with some crazy driver at the wheel lol

I thought that only a terrible person would be treated like this:someone who was very flawed ,different from other people, uniquely bad.

Then, I tried to cover the bad over with all sorts of things,mainly trying to look good.
I thought you could push your inner person , your true self ,in to the cellar.

I didn't realize it wouldn't work until my life exploded.

I really thought it could.

Ami
PS I don't think Pluto transits will let you live with lies.
Something will burst from the seams:your health, mental or physical : a relationship :something that you never counted on will explode.

posted August 26, 2010 09:38 AM         

quote:

---

Just applying plain logic
xoxo

---

When I get my Sag NN activated, I am gonna get on a plane and come visit you, Girlfriend

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 11:08 AM         

i think that we can make a million ex+uses as to why we need to be alone and 'shouldn't' be in a relationship, but relationships are our oxygen. we need them.

at some point, we must take a risk be vulnerable and learn from and not fear the reflection of ourselves people bring to us.

posted August 26, 2010 11:29 AM         

Now, I can feel that core self building up. A big part is talking on here.

We are only as sick as the secrets we keep, I think.

Thank you all , again

Ami

posted August 26, 2010 11:30 AM         

I really believe these books will help you:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

(+ his other books, as well)

Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain

*Please* read them, especially The Four Agreements.

Best Wishes

posted August 26, 2010 11:48 AM         

quote:

---

i am learning that our in relationships, as adults, people only mirroring ourself back to us. relationships are our catyst for growth, ALWAYS.

i think that we can make a million ex+uses as to why we need to be alone and 'shouldn't' be in a relationship, but relationships are our oxygen. we need them.

at some point, we must take a risk be vulnerable and learn from and not fear the reflection of ourselves people bring to us.

its inevitale, not every relationship is forever. but its lessons are. being vulnerable and open and trusting doesnt mea we do those thing because we are perfect whole and healed. those very things are what carry us into perfection, wholeness and healing. its a process, not a destination

---

I was thinking that, Electricmind.

I was thinking "When would be the right time?"

I love someone,now.

Inside me, I want to let some more of this numbness go before I go forward in a real way.

My inner compass seems to be telling me this, for now.

However, you are right that we heal by revealing WHO we are even when we are very flawed and imperfect --neurotic

I think my compass will nod to me when the time is right .

x o x Ami

posted August 26, 2010 11:51 AM         

I am gonna order your book and the one Diablo told me about through e mail.

Thank you ((((Girlfriends))))

Ami