posted April 01, 2013 09:33 AM            

But when it's someone I know, it's totally different. I feel so bad about rejecting someone, especially someone I'll still be around a lot. Don't want to hurt them, so while I'll do my best to be gentle, I'm still honest about not being interested. The classic "I like you a lot, but not in that way". No point in asking for more time or anything - they'll take it even worse when they find out you've been lying to them. I just go with what they do - avoiding me or sticking around.

I normally don't really see it coming, so I don't know how I'd react if I knew someone had feelings for me. At best, I catch some hints but shake them off, assuming it's nothing. (Bad, I know...) I clam up easily, so cue dumb, flustered stuttering.

posted April 01, 2013 09:54 AM            

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Ah yes, we should just be honest.

Let's see, being honest with men who expressed interest in me has gotten me ignored (and continually harassed, and I've heard of worse), insulted, yelled at (including threateningly), poked threateningly, and nearly raped. One guy on the internet who got interested in me responded to my blunt refusal by agreeing to just be online friends while sending me a "fun questionnaire" which if I'd answered it he'd been able to google a map to my home (needless to say I blocked him in response).

And last Halloween I was with some volunteers setting up for an office party when another volunteer came onto me...it was done with a lot of crude innuendo (like telling me to hold my rod still while he inserted another rod moaning, "Feels so good!") that at first I thought it was just juvenile humor but became much bolder no matter how much I politely brushed him off or ignored him. Finally, after several minutes, I said calmly but firmly, "Enough." He walked off and I just hoped he'd calm down but instead a woman at the office (turned out to be his sister) kicked me out of the office because he'd told her (and she believed) that I'd "led him on" and was a "stuck up ***** " (for not acting like some porno blonde bibmbo), and she also made trouble for my friend who worked there threatening her job in this economy because I finally told him bluntly that I wasn't interested.

Telling guys to **** off is fine for guys, but not so fine for many women. Maybe if so many guys weren't entitled jerks it would be different.

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posted April 01, 2013 12:13 PM            

If it's a guy at a club that I don't even want to flirt with, I will just ignore them completely like they are some ghost, lol.

When approached more formally, I either say I have some issues to work on before I can be in a relationship, or that I don't see them as a potential boyfriend but that I also have someone I want as a boyfriend, and that he doesn't see me as a girlfriend ! So they know I share their disappointment and that love sucks sometimes

posted April 01, 2013 04:15 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
What exactly is wrong with a polite and firm: "No, thank you." What's this need to beat around the bush and explain via subtle nuances?

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posted April 07, 2013 01:31 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
What exactly is wrong with a polite and firm: "No, thank you." What's this need to beat around the bush and explain via subtle nuances?

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As mentioned, plenty of guys don't take it well and call females many names that the filter would not let me show. A few even become violent. I believe in most cases this is just because men aren't suppose to show hurt feelings, that makes them "unmanly" so they instead resort to anger which results in confrontation, and face to face confrontation is much more unacceptable for females than for males socially. And some guys genuinely hold the belief that they have a right to women's bodies (especially if they feel she's sexy, like "it's consensual if she's advertising") and get angry at the "injustice" of being told "not interested" (and probably assume she's interested in most others). And should it actually become violent (which is possible) then in general there's no glory for women in violence even if she could take him on with a reasonable belief that she could defeat him (which isn't going to be the case most of the time anyway). And then other factors can involve themselves, such as how my friend's job was potentially endangered by my refusing a guy as the sister of the guy I rejected took offense (it's more complicated than that, but had I just went along with the guy and then brushed him off the first chance I got then it would've gone better for me AND my friend, but I was honest and so I was punished, and my friend nearly so).

Another of this in action:
http://www.16bitsirens.com/consent/

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Another said, “Lots of guys have used asking for my photo as a segue to asking for my number. When I turn them down, they always call me a ***** or something much worse.”

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IOW, social factors for both men and women make it so that it's very difficult for this to be handled gracefully by all but the more mature individuals...and the mature (especially among the young and horny) are the exception, not the rule, and thus the games.

Yeah, women need to say what they want or don't want upfront, even if it hurts his feelings (though just because she's not interested doesn't mean she'd enjoy hurting his feelings). But men need to handle rejection well (and learning to take a hint wouldn't hurt), and if they can't then I understand why women won't be honest, because too often honesty results in punishment (or no-win situations at best) by males.

posted April 07, 2013 01:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by meissieri:
If it's just a random player, I say something like, "Yeah... no thanks" and say I have somewhere to be (which is true when I go out).

But when it's someone I know, it's totally different. I feel so bad about rejecting someone, especially someone I'll still be around a lot. Don't want to hurt them, so while I'll do my best to be gentle, I'm still honest about not being interested. The classic "I like you a lot, but not in that way". No point in asking for more time or anything - they'll take it even worse when they find out you've been lying to them. I just go with what they do - avoiding me or sticking around.

I normally don't really see it coming, so I don't know how I'd react if I knew someone had feelings for me. At best, I catch some hints but shake them off, assuming it's nothing. (Bad, I know...) I clam up easily, so cue dumb, flustered stuttering.

Leo sun
Venus & Mars in Virgo
Capricorn moon

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When it's someone I know I feel a lot better about rejecting them than a random person. I know that's ass backwards but I think it's because I have a better idea of how the person I know will respond vs. a stranger. I seem to have more empathy for people I don't know than the ones I do.