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Author Topic:   Lifelong anxiety and depression?
Valmu83
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posted January 06, 2019 03:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
[IMG]

What could be the reason for my suffering of years of anxiety and depression? It started when I was a child. I think when I was 8-9 years old. My father was diagnosed with mental illness when I was 10. Before that he was terrorising my family. My parents divorced few years after that but in school I was picked too. It was really bad when I was 14-15. I fell in love with wrong guy who told false rumours about me to the whole school.

When I went to secondary school all changed. I think when I was 17 years old that was happiest year of my life. But my depression it started again when I was around 19. I fell again in love with wrong guy and my dad died..and my depression was bad about 2-3 years. Crying crying crying after him. Then I moved and had better life situation for a while. I had burn out when I was about 25-26.

Around 29 I felt so disappointed I wanted to die. Not literally.. I just actually stopped living my life. I had had really good start in my career. I felt that everything good happening in that section of my life made my other shortcomings more bright in my eyes. I donít know if anyone can get what kind of feeling that is.

I went to therapy. I hoped I could sort my things there. That went on by 3 years. Itís been over now for a year. It helped a lot with some issues but Iím not capable of forming relationships. And that has been my biggest problem since I was 14y. I have always been rejected in love. Therefore feeling depressed, crying, feeling anxiety. I know I have Neptune issue on my chart but I feel itís not as bad as it was before. And maybe not the cause of all depression? What to do?

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Lalafortunaea
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posted January 06, 2019 04:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lalafortunaea     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The exact cause, I can't say - but likely a collection of little things. Moon opposite Venus = pushing away love on some level, at odds with it. Sun opposite moon is a big struggle, especially karmically speaking.

Neptune conjunct the IC can play a big part. Neptune at your core, your foundation, can indicate feelings of disillusionment, suffering loss, and feeling abandoned.

Whether you're religious or not, the allegorical story which Neptune can play is interesting. Neptune is the planet of Pisces, Pisces = fish, which are symbolic of "Jesus." Most know his story, which involves a lot of suffering and pain. Feeling crucified. Pisces is about sacrifice and selflessness. Pisces and Neptune can manifest as suffering everyone's "sins". Not necessarily the cause 100% - your whole life seems to play a part, but the Neptunian core indicates that in order to alleviate your pain, you need to find a cause, a mission of sorts which is selfless at its roots. Whatever you do would ideally involve a higher cause. Wishful thinking is a big downfall. Believing any lies, especially with your inner sensitivities, will hurt you all the more. Seeking the truth would help you. Learning to be more discerning, questioning yourself, and others, and adding skepticism will help you protect your heart.

Doing creative things could also help you process and heal, like art, music and singing. Even if you feel you aren't good at it, it could still benefit you.

FWIW

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Nadja
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posted January 06, 2019 04:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nadja     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
From just a quick look I would say that Chiron square retrograde Venus looks like a likely cause of a lot of your pain. Helping others with similar problems might help you deal with your Chironic wound, if that is indeed the main point of hurt in your chart.

Your Neptune doesn't look that bad to me. I have Neptune conjunct the IC myself, and rather more afflicted as far as aspects go, but I have never had any issues with depression or anxiety.

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Valmu83
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posted January 06, 2019 04:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you Iím actually working in creative field. But at the moment not enjoying it and making ends meet other ways. Neptune thing is bothering me as itís my 7th ruler and Iím puzzled what kind of love I actually need in my life. I know what kind of love I want. But apparently it is denied. So what to pursue.

About Chiron square Venus. I think I hide my pain very well form my friends and family. Feelings of shame and disappointment has to do with it. I think it will be different task to find people to help if they behave like me.

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Lerena
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posted January 07, 2019 12:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lerena     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I second the thought that it's from Venus Retrograde square Chiron. I've had difficulties in romantic relationships too and I also have Venus square Chiron in my chart.

Also, Neptune ruling your Descendant sounds painful. I'm not personally comfortable with the influence of Neptune so I'm glad I don't have it ruling my Descendant. I'm also glad Neptune isn't conjunct my IC, because Neptune ruling my IC is bad enough on its own.

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Aries23Degrees
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posted January 07, 2019 02:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aries23Degrees     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Valmu83:
When I went to secondary school all changed. I think when I was 17 years old that was happiest year of my life.

What changed here?

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Valmu83
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posted January 07, 2019 04:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aries23Degrees:
What changed here?

I moved to another city to study at secondary school of art and music. I was almost 16 and I lived in student condominium. First year was just okay but in any case I got rid of bullies and my family problems. Second year was best of my life. I woke up feeling happiness every morning. Never happened after that. I felt free. I felt I belonged there. And shortly period of time I dated a boy who was very popular. It went soon wrong but felt hope when it started. I couldnít believe that someone like him would be interested about me. It was like ugly duckling story

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bluesky
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posted January 07, 2019 05:04 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'd go with Neptune CJ IC.

I feel your pain. I feel the same a lot of the time.

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Valmu83
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posted January 07, 2019 05:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you for your emphaty. Is there any advice how to overcome this or will be with me (us) always?

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Lalafortunaea
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posted January 07, 2019 10:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lalafortunaea     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Valmu83:
Thank you Iím actually working in creative field. But at the moment not enjoying it and making ends meet other ways. Neptune thing is bothering me as itís my 7th ruler and Iím puzzled what kind of love I actually need in my life.

Spirituality is a theme of Pisces 7th. Lower expression would be drugs, glamour, living in fantasy. Higher would be turning to spiritual practices. Or, you'd be good with someone likes this. Quiet and spiritual.

Does your name mean you're born in 83? If so you've already gone through your Saturn Return.
I felt a lot stronger about mine nearing my Saturn return (Chiron conjunct IC), and became a tad more resolute. Pain isn't gone, but feels like my shoulders got stronger. Though, I also did a lot of things to deal with it prior, like meditation and distancing myself from people who I felt lead me astray. But you did say you feel like you can handle it a bit better, so that's something. Maybe keep on making progress, little by little.
You've also got Aquarius moon. Air is notorious for anxiety. Mine's in 11th house so I understand somewhat. You also would likely need to be around Earthy people to help stabilize you, and literally maybe get in touch with nature. Do you like working in nature? Gardening?
Nature hikes?
Taurus and Aries people could help you both become more assertive, and feel stable.

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DRVM614K
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posted January 08, 2019 04:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Valmu83:
[B]

Google evolutionary astrology, Jeff Wolf Green and Mark Jones. You have what are called skipped steps. since you have a plent conj the south node you sill be dealing with said issues till your second Saturn return unless you can manage a relationship with some who has somthing conjunct your north node. I STROGLY URGE YOU TO DO SO.

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DRVM614K
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posted January 08, 2019 04:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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DRVM614K
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posted January 09, 2019 10:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
when u were 29 u experienced your second nodal return highlighting what that south node conjunction, and everything relevant to the resolution around that time, along with your Saturn return. you must have helped A LOT of people with your troubles. if you have any dealings with siblings you that will be a place to start. those things in school probably Jupiter conj Uranus in 3rd. do u have a career in communications? something like that should help.


You should delve deeper into astrology as well and other occult subjects.

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Valmu83
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posted January 09, 2019 11:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you, evolutional astrology is completely new to me. I have to say Iím devastated that I should wait and struggle till my second Saturn return

How I can find someone with NN connection :O Problem is cant find anyone who would like to be with me. Who I like and feel attracted to. How can I change who Iím attracted to? Should I try to be with someone I donít care so much? Iím asking for real as I donít realise how people think this should work in real life?

When I was 29 my exhaustion and depression started. Because of that I went therapy and my sister take that path couple of years later. I took my cousin in live with me when he was in bad situation. I have published one book but I donít know if that helps anyone.

Can you tell me more about my chart in evotional astrology point of view? What steps I have missed?

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DRVM614K
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posted January 09, 2019 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Valmu83:
Thank you, evolutional astrology is completely new to me. I have to say Iím devastated that I should wait and struggle till my second Saturn return

How I can find someone with NN connection :O Problem is cant find anyone who would like to be with me. Who I like and feel attracted to. How can I change who Iím attracted to? Should I try to be with someone I donít care so much? Iím asking for real as I donít realise how people think this should work in real life?

When I was 29 my exhaustion and depression started. Because of that I went therapy and my sister take that path couple of years later. I took my cousin in live with me when he was in bad situation. I have published one book but I donít know if that helps anyone.

Can you tell me more about my chart in evotional astrology point of view? What steps I have missed?


the skipped step is mercury in the 12th. it may be u helping others with there own parents problems. 10th standing for authority(father) in the 12th(loss) mercury (mind, logic, communication).


The premise behind the evolutionary perspective is going from the past life or youth (south node) to the current life or future (north node). the square to the nodes is an aspect of ones evolution that was left incomplete in a past life. the chart holder half stepped what ever aspect of consciousness, progressed farther than they should have with some evolutionary work left incomplete.

in your case mercury in the 12th being what was left incomplete. as well as undone apparent to the 12th house placement. one must resolve the issues of the squaring planet by concentrating on what the north node means, as well as both the squaring planet and nn houses, signs and rulers.

there is a mitigating factor in this case of having a planet conjunct the south node. they say the process of "recovering" thse skipped steps are complete around the 1st Saturn return. if one has planets conjunct the south node, the process is complete around the 2nd Saturn return. my drops as well as I have skipped steps with south node conjunctions.

this is done of the notion that your truly not living out your lifes purpose before the 1st Saturn return(true adult hood). your still living out the majority of your past life, south node tendencies, before the second nodal inverted return with the Saturn return.

another mitigating factor would be if there were a planet conjunct the north node, then the resolution of the nodal issues would happen in between the 1st and 2nd Saturn returns. that's y I say u should find some one who has that placement of something conjunct your north node to hopefully accelerate the healing process by way of projection, that other person would be needed at least until the second Saturn return, could be a friend, mentor or child. For you to lessen the effects of the said psychological ailments that's what would have to be done, other wise the second Saturn return is when the resolution will be complete al together. unless the work of resolving them isn't done then it will be left incomplete and will result in the same dynamic in the next life.


I have skipped steps on both sides of the nodes as well moon conjunct the south. im going through my 1st Saturn return as we speak. I see this as communicating with other "Mature souls" and direct your attention to the said matters.


whats your numerology aspects? They should help out as well. i c with my chart and numerology readings things line up.

Anything with in 10 degrees of aspecting the nodes would be considered either conjunct or square the nodes of course.


In objective reality you should deal with your sister in her therapy. that may lead you to coming in contact with other who are eerily dealing with the same thing. that as well as finding a friend or mentor, anybody who will in synastry make a conjunction to your north node in gemeni. any placement but preferably personal planets. you may even do well being part of a community, astrology, a hobby etc, with people who have Saturn in gemeni. like I said it doesn't HAVE to be a romantic relationship. since the node is in the 10th look for a mentor or look to be a mentor.



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charlie
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posted January 10, 2019 05:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
We appear to be the same gen., looking at your Libra Pluto.

I also have Sun, Venus 11H op Moon 5H, as well as Neptune conj IC. I can get depressed because I donít know what the F I want out of life! Sometimes it gets reeeeally dark in my head and it doesnít help that I have a Cap Moon but oddly, since Caps tend to strive for security and like to work hard for the dollar, that is what helps me the most. Work work work! If I donít work I can feel absolutely miserable and useless :-/

Maybe study your Moon and try and find what type of emotional stability it craves and go from there?

My Cancer stellium 11H doesnít help one bit. I almost exclusively rely on my Moon, and work, to get me out of the deep end. ďFamilyĒ, which Cancerians are supposed to rely on, donít mean much to me.

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Valmu83
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posted January 11, 2019 05:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by DRVM614K:
the skipped step is mercury in the 12th. it may be u helping others with there own parents problems. 10th standing for authority(father) in the 12th(loss) mercury (mind, logic, communication).


The premise behind the evolutionary perspective is going from the past life or youth (south node) to the current life or future (north node). the square to the nodes is an aspect of ones evolution that was left incomplete in a past life. the chart holder half stepped what ever aspect of consciousness, progressed farther than they should have with some evolutionary work left incomplete.

in your case mercury in the 12th being what was left incomplete. as well as undone apparent to the 12th house placement. one must resolve the issues of the squaring planet by concentrating on what the north node means, as well as both the squaring planet and nn houses, signs and rulers.

there is a mitigating factor in this case of having a planet conjunct the south node. they say the process of "recovering" thse skipped steps are complete around the 1st Saturn return. if one has planets conjunct the south node, the process is complete around the 2nd Saturn return. my drops as well as I have skipped steps with south node conjunctions.

this is done of the notion that your truly not living out your lifes purpose before the 1st Saturn return(true adult hood). your still living out the majority of your past life, south node tendencies, before the second nodal inverted return with the Saturn return.

another mitigating factor would be if there were a planet conjunct the north node, then the resolution of the nodal issues would happen in between the 1st and 2nd Saturn returns. that's y I say u should find some one who has that placement of something conjunct your north node to hopefully accelerate the healing process by way of projection, that other person would be needed at least until the second Saturn return, could be a friend, mentor or child. For you to lessen the effects of the said psychological ailments that's what would have to be done, other wise the second Saturn return is when the resolution will be complete al together. unless the work of resolving them isn't done then it will be left incomplete and will result in the same dynamic in the next life.


I have skipped steps on both sides of the nodes as well moon conjunct the south. im going through my 1st Saturn return as we speak. I see this as communicating with other "Mature souls" and direct your attention to the said matters.


whats your numerology aspects? They should help out as well. i c with my chart and numerology readings things line up.

Anything with in 10 degrees of aspecting the nodes would be considered either conjunct or square the nodes of course.


In objective reality you should deal with your sister in her therapy. that may lead you to coming in contact with other who are eerily dealing with the same thing. that as well as finding a friend or mentor, anybody who will in synastry make a conjunction to your north node in gemeni. any placement but preferably personal planets. you may even do well being part of a community, astrology, a hobby etc, with people who have Saturn in gemeni. like I said it doesn't HAVE to be a romantic relationship. since the node is in the 10th look for a mentor or look to be a mentor.




Thank you so much giving your time and giving me this information. It makes sense as I have problems to word out loud my feelings. Keeping them inside. I have been also rejected when being open about my feelings in the past. That made me shut down more. But after I finished my therapy I have been telling my lifestory without shame. And I think it will help people with same kind of background. Problem is I want to have family but Iím totally in experienced in that area of life. Feels like destiny has always closed door when there has been even little possibility for love for me. So thatís why Iím disappointed to hear I have to struggle with these issues till second Saturn return. It will be too late then.

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Valmu83
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posted January 11, 2019 05:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by charlie:
We appear to be the same gen., looking at your Libra Pluto.

I also have Sun, Venus 11H op Moon 5H, as well as Neptune conj IC. I can get depressed because I donít know what the F I want out of life! Sometimes it gets reeeeally dark in my head and it doesnít help that I have a Cap Moon but oddly, since Caps tend to strive for security and like to work hard for the dollar, that is what helps me the most. Work work work! If I donít work I can feel absolutely miserable and useless :-/

Maybe study your Moon and try and find what type of emotional stability it craves and go from there?

My Cancer stellium 11H doesnít help one bit. I almost exclusively rely on my Moon, and work, to get me out of the deep end. ďFamilyĒ, which Cancerians are supposed to rely on, donít mean much to me.


I like to work too but I donít have big issues with my career otherwise. I only want to have relationship with someone and have a family. Thing that have been denied so far.

My Aquarius moon like to have its freedom? I donít know but I want to have stable relationships where other person donít want to own me. So I want security and freedom. Good luck to find them from same person

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DRVM614K
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posted January 14, 2019 01:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hate to say the clichť keep your head up but u really have auspicious chart. mars and sun in leo. sun conjunct regulus. mercury and the asc in virgo. pluto and Saturn in the aspects they are in. I mean im 28 and have witnessed my potential, well before I jumped off the porch. I cant articulate how sharp you will be at 60. youll be d@mn there a god. u know those people who turn 50 or what ever, retire then turn into totally different people with restored energy? people who evolve while everybody else is getting arthritis. that will be you at 60. imagine that. it will be a totally different world in 2040. I know its only 20 years from now but where crossing the threshold to what we would call "the future" like flying cars, futurama, living on different planets future. crossing that threshold youll be maturing as the turmoil takes place you wont even notice any of the ailments you (suffer, cause your really not, your slowing down objectively to evolve psychologically). by the time u wake up it will be like getting over the flu. youll want to discover exactly who u are.


I know your still tripping over the 2nd Saturn return thing. u should really spend more time with ur siblings tho.

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Valmu83
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posted January 14, 2019 09:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thatís the first time I have heard my chart is auspicious most of the time people point out I have heavy karma in it. So thank you.

I spent time with my sister and brother weekly..and chat with my sister almost daily. So we are already very close.

I have read about my Nort Node placement and I think I have gone towards that direction all the time without pain or difficulties. So I donít know what I should do more. I definetely would like to hear about evolutional astrology and what I should do to improve my life. If someone knows some quite cheap reading that I could order?

All the pain I have felt in my life is because I have been rejected in relationships. (Career and education issues are fine > my NN placement.)

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DRVM614K
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posted January 14, 2019 09:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DRVM614K     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Valmu83:
Thatís the first time I have heard my chart is auspicious most of the time people point out I have heavy karma in it. So thank you.

I spent time with my sister and brother weekly..and chat with my sister almost daily. So we are already very close.

I have read about my Nort Node placement and I think I have gone towards that direction all the time without pain or difficulties. So I donít know what I should do more. I definetely would like to hear about evolutional astrology and what I should do to improve my life. If someone knows some quite cheap reading that I could order?

All the pain I have felt in my life is because I have been rejected in relationships. (Career and education issues are fine > my NN placement.)


Ö besides Saturn and plutoÖ which is generational karma... and the aspects to your nodes you chart is the s#%$. Far from kissing a#% here. I forgot to mention u have Jupiter in sag... like I said pluto in Saturn is big. I was about to say these planets being conjunct is solid but with all the other long term work youll complete youll be well aware of the ins and outs of your placement. understand im not just sayin be conscious of it. you can manipulate how your pluto is played out as opposed to others just developing the planet and being part of the generations evolution as a whole.

You can actually construct your power in the fashion you want, piece by piece. Saturn makes you responsible for it. But yeah I feel like who ever told you that was just agreeing with your mood and perspective on when explaining whats going on n your life.

I feel a certain way hearing that. there are negative people even in metaphysics, ESPECIALLY in metaphysics who want others to fail, just like any other area of life. there doing there job and im doing mine.

LOOK UP SUN CONJUNCT REGULUS. your birthday must be august 19/20. Like id have to talk to you in person for you the conviction im trying to display on this computer.

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Randall
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posted January 19, 2019 12:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Graham
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posted September 15, 2020 02:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Graham     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

Bumping - because Valmu83's recent threads indicate it may be useful for her to now read it again.

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Graham
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posted September 15, 2020 03:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Graham     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Originally posted by Valmu83 :-

quote:
All the pain I have felt in my life is because I have been rejected in relationships.

Your natal Venus/Neptune mid-point is at 29Libra34 ... So, it is conjunct your natal Saturn at 29Libra54.

This conjunction is found in people that have very high (and thus difficult to achieve) standards in love relationships. They tend to be idealistic + romantic - and to require partners that are sincere, honest and committed.

In your case though, natal Saturn is also conjunct natal Pluto - so, for you, "compulsive truthfulness" is a core value/belief.

These high standards/values will inevitably make it difficult to find the right partner, but also impossible for you to have long-term relationships with any partner who is "not right".

[ Please reflect on this comment in the light of my Sept 13th comment about Venus, on your thread at http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/242297.html :-

"you came into this current lifetime/incarnation with "a need to withstand 'storms' and things that whip up unexpectedly". And almost immediately after arriving, events/experiences began to make you "feel like a scapegoat 'hung out to dry'; punished for doing something or being different or special".

That set the tone for your Venus progressions from the age of two........." ]

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Valmu83
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posted September 15, 2020 03:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Valmu83     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you Graham for bumping this thread and especially for caring to do so and helping me. Itís not so common

So now Iím afraid Venus trine Neptune progression will bring something painful again to my life. Most likely more rejection and heartbreak.

I recognise myself pretty much about your description. Especially the part being unable to be with someone who doesnít feel right is spot on. Just today I talked about this issue with my friend. I was sayings I donít want to go date (I was asked out) as I know already I donít have feelings towards that person. And it doesnít feel right. And I only want go to date when Iím sure that I would see future (well even short term future) with that person.

Reading those Sabian symbols I feel that being punished is something I actually feel a lot when it comes to relationships. I feel punished by god or karma.

I donít know how to past images in this forum anymore. It has changed? But her is my natal chart again: [img]https://i.ibb.co/fpRddpd/BD17-CDFC-8-DD8-42-D3-96-A5-5626-CBF4-D768.jpg[/img]

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