posted April 07, 2019 06:07 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
you want the autobiography or the chiron myth? lol

chiron was a healer with a wound that never healed as far as the myth goes, as far as the autobiography goes i've been through every kind of abuse emotional/physical/sexual (i don't remember a time in my childhood where abuse wasn't a thing and i'd be lying if i said all of that sort of **** ended in childhood), experienced all kinds of ****** living situations, been through a lot of damaging **** with addiction, been dealing with chronic health issues for years that had me near bedbound at one point fun **** like that

edit: i'm not going to go into full detail, i've never told anyone everything and i never will

@ChildofVenus

what exactly is it that's going on with this virgo that's negative (i know you two argue but to what extent? what exactly is there) why are gifts keeping you there if you feel like they're manipulative and not just gifts?

legit curious

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posted April 07, 2019 06:11 PM            

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Originally posted by ChildofVenus:
He's always trying to make me jealous of other women. Then he'll say he's not going to talk to me anymore. But then he'll create a fake social media profile and try to talk to me he's been doing that for awhile now. He'll do things that he knows will **** me off.

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posted April 07, 2019 06:20 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
why is he in your life?

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posted April 07, 2019 06:27 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
it's cool, i don't expect anyone to keep track of all my **** lol

in contexts like this where i'm just talking, no, not at all

if i initiate the conversation in a way where i bring it up then i'm doing it in a manner where i'm in control of how far it goes and sharing it is only a vehicle to help the other person speak or see a different perspective, so it doesn't hurt

but i've had experiences that have brought **** up in ways that ****** with my head and been unpleasant and there's little things that get me every time

i can't handle people near me, especially behind me, if i'm at a sink so even washing dishes i need space and prefer to not even be spoken to because it makes me anxious and can cause full blown panic attacks (which some people in my life havent been able to grasp is an actual issue because i stay outwardly calm during them) though my fiancee can get away with it sometimes, she's the only person who doesn't get to me the way other people can with things (which is why she's also the only person i've ever had sober sex with, everyone else i've been completely **** faced with)

**** like that, and **** like last year while i was at work i heard some guy say to his son "i'll give you something to cry about" (after being a complete dick to the kid to begin with) and that straight up gave me a bad panic attack and i had to go hide for a few minutes to be able to handle that, just brought back all kinds of memories (heard that a lot, get hit and it wasn't enough to count or whatever and then that exact sentence followed by **** getting worse, but i wasn't really allowed to have feelings as a kid anyway) so that was fun

i'd be lying if i said i was unaffected still, but it's definitely lessened and i hide it well enough

i still sort through the damage i've got going on from living my life daily, but i've gotten better with it and i can reflect and detach enough to have a life (aside from what chronic illness ***** me over with)

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posted April 07, 2019 06:28 PM            

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Originally posted by Brenda_S:
The water void in your chart is so prominent here. You're talking as if it's unrelated to you. The fact that you are here without any (apparent) emotional screwed up'ness is impressive. I'm actually impressed.

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posted April 07, 2019 08:00 PM            

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Originally posted by ChildofVenus:

Ask Pluto and Saturn lol seriously it's hard to walk away. We've been through a lot together. I've shared a lot of things with him. It wasn't always like this at first things were good. But then it just seems like things got bad. I started helping him financially then he started helping me. I don't want to cut him out of my life completely.

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**** 's complicated, i understand that, but now i'm curious why do you find it acceptable to keep him around while cutting off a guy who's been nothing but nice to you?

@Brenda_S

i'm definitely ****** up, but there's no reason to constantly be dragged down by the past to a point where the present and future can't be enjoyed

letting things swallow you alive is retarded, learned that from trying to hang myself lol funny enough, that and being in constant physical pain and having a **** ton of health issues... made me appreciate life more and sort my head out

posted April 07, 2019 09:29 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
**** 's complicated, i understand that, but now i'm curious why do you find it acceptable to keep him around while cutting off a guy who's been nothing but nice to you?

@Brenda_S

i'm definitely ****** up, but there's no reason to constantly be dragged down by the past to a point where the present and future can't be enjoyed

letting things swallow you alive is retarded, learned that from trying to hang myself lol funny enough, that and being in constant physical pain and having a **** ton of health issues... made me appreciate life more and sort my head out

nothing to pull yourself together like that kind of ****

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posted April 07, 2019 09:42 PM            

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Originally posted by ChildofVenus:
No I won’t cut him off even if we aren’t in a relationship I still want us to be friends. I don’t like that many people so when I do find someone I like I want to keep them around. I almost didn’t go out with him I kept changing my mind but I’m glad I did though.

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seemed like you were ready to run away from it all just yesterday, good that you've changed your mind though because you're right that's special

with the relationship **** , maybe don't stress it and see where life takes you instead if you want it to stay a friendship then just let it play out and if further in you want something else you can always say something then

posted April 07, 2019 10:21 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:

letting things swallow you alive is retarded, learned that from trying to hang myself lol funny enough, that and being in constant physical pain and having a **** ton of health issues... made me appreciate life more and sort my head out

nothing to pull yourself together like that kind of ****

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Ouch I'm glad that didn't work for ya lol.

posted April 07, 2019 10:52 PM            

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Originally posted by Brenda_S:
Ouch I'm glad that didn't work for ya lol.

But yeah I agree with the pulling yourself together part. One day for me hopefully lol. Not that I'm into the **** you were. Just south node Cancer stuff lol I'm lazy af.

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i'm happy about it most of the time, other times i think that would've been nice because i wouldn't do it now but there's definitely times where i wish i had it in me, not necessarily for any emotional or life reasons just when i've been in pain well past my threshhold for being able to stand it for hours on end and nothing i take for it helps more than taking a bit of the edge off

times like that i think if i had been successful it would've been nice

it wasn't really a situation where i had a choice but to do something about it on my own

i mean, i tried, didnt work out got drunk had sex and passed out instead and when i woke up the next day life just went on like i hadn't even been at that point and it all felt very surreal

i had learned meditation before that from an ex, the one who introduced me to the occult, but i stopped really pursuing it after she did this past life ritual that had pretty horrible results

always was able to lucid dream and had out of body experiences and **** as a kid but it was all without control so the meditation was different

anyway got back into that and mindfulness figuring it was fate that it didnt work out (had a bunch of other **** happen prior to meeting her and before the suicide attempt anyway) and i may as well just not, but staying alive meant learning how to live again

few months afterwards my health went to **** (lyme disease which triggered a bunch of other **** that left permanent damage) and that forced me deeper into meditation and **** like that because when you're in constant pain and can't do much options are pretty limited

years of that and digging deeper into everything that's come up and i'm in a different place than i was when i started mentally unavoidable really given all the experiences

posted April 08, 2019 12:49 AM            

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Originally posted by ChildofVenus:
He's always trying to make me jealous of other women. Then he'll say he's not going to talk to me anymore. But then he'll create a fake social media profile and try to talk to me he's been doing that for awhile now. He'll do things that he knows will **** me off.

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posted April 10, 2019 09:29 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
seemed like you were ready to run away from it all just yesterday, good that you've changed your mind though because you're right that's special

with the relationship **** , maybe don't stress it and see where life takes you instead if you want it to stay a friendship then just let it play out and if further in you want something else you can always say something then

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posted April 10, 2019 10:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ChildofVenus:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dumuzi:
[b] seemed like you were ready to run away from it all just yesterday, good that you've changed your mind though because you're right that's special

with the relationship **** , maybe don't stress it and see where life takes you instead if you want it to stay a friendship then just let it play out and if further in you want something else you can always say something then

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no, sounds like you're just saying you want to be casual and see where it goes without the strings attached that make it too serious too quick