posted April 27, 2019 01:31 PM            

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Originally posted by implosions:
A number of Scorpio heavy people? That's kind of cool to know! It somewhat makes sense, as Scorpio tends to be the 'life is really intense' sort of thing, so having spectrum traits could be more likely in that sense. I have found a lot of them have a strongly placed Uranus/Chiron (or some odd combination thereof) as well. Mostly Uranus, as it opens them to electrical energy, especially when in contact with an angle.

Yes; I suppose it's never really bothered me as I look at most 'research' to do with astrology as I would if I were at school, you always filter through things anyway, so take what you need and leave it. Same with learning from people, I guess. Plus because Lilith is such a strange/enigma like topic to learn about, it makes sense that personal experience needs to flavor it, IMO. But then to view it in a detached way, is the trick. Maybe. lol.

I am not sure if it's a hypothetical point, haha. I believe the one I'm thinking of is the Natural Perigree (h22) that you can punch in on astro- but I think it might be what you're talking about. Mythos wise he was the son of Venus and Bacchus- so a god of fertility; always had a raging erection and was vying to go. Though that's obviously the westernized/modern simplification of his mythos, so.

Interesting it's conjunct your Mars! And you said Lilith was conjunct your Chiron? It sounds like you've had rough experiences with finding healthy Lilith energy (you may know it yourself, but finding it elsewhere might be hard- I can tell from the way you speak of the spectrum of feminism lmao) and then express a more Priapus nature. Which is neat as well, since Priapus' more receptive energy tends to be naturally at odds with Lilith's output need for equality.

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got the liliths mixed up (figure you mean the other one now that i think about it not the one on my chiron), my bad, but there's my chart

i haven't paid attention to uranus or chiron in people's charts with that to know, but i could see that along with the scorpio traits being a perfect combination for that kind of thing, i'll have to look

i'm used to filtering information with anything more esoteric because it's always necessary, but i find with that in particular there's always a lot to filter lol i'm not at all anti-feminism i mean yeah equal rights are great and **** whatever, but it's the ass backwards way some women go about it and the man hating **** that i tend to find pointless and usually a little on the hysterical side too

i know the mythology well enough, there's a long story here but i actually answered what a witch was with told me was a calling dream from dionysus while i was drunk and high because i wanted to see what would happen

posted April 27, 2019 01:52 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
i know the mythology well enough, there's a long story here but i actually answered what a witch was with told me was a calling dream from dionysus while i was drunk and high because i wanted to see what would happen

i've had a rough experience with damn near everything lol

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lmao well u signed up for what u got!! and yeah, I mean every topic has a spectrum of how it's learned in the world, right. Extremists to outright deniers and all that's in between. Your True Lilith (oscillating) is right on my Moon so I can feel the urge to defend the topic very strongly here lmao, but I do understand.

posted April 27, 2019 02:54 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by implosions:
lmao well u signed up for what u got!! and yeah, I mean every topic has a spectrum of how it's learned in the world, right. Extremists to outright deniers and all that's in between. Your True Lilith (oscillating) is right on my Moon so I can feel the urge to defend the topic very strongly here lmao, but I do understand.

How has the trouble of Dionysus found you? Where are the Bacchus/Dionysus asteroids in your chart? (Mine are conjunct my Sun and Mercury respectively, so I'm always curious )

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could just be eternal punishment i have sisyphus conjunct my sun lol (among other asteroids) also as far as fixed stars go i have baten kaitos and kurdah on my north node so that's a nice one too (i'm ****** lol, even regulus doesnt exactly promise things ending well so theres that too)

i agree about the spectrum, i mean my fiancee would consider herself a feminist on some level and she isn't like that

nothing to really defend since i don't disagree with you

asteroid wise i just have dionysus chilling in leo in my 10th house doing **** all and bacchus is in scorpio squaring my sun

but as far as esoteric life experiences go there's been a lot of **** , like i said though long story

posted April 27, 2019 04:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
could just be eternal punishment i have sisyphus conjunct my sun lol (among other asteroids) also as far as fixed stars go i have baten kaitos and kurdah on my north node so that's a nice one too (i'm ****** lol, even regulus doesnt exactly promise things ending well so theres that too)

i agree about the spectrum, i mean my fiancee would consider herself a feminist on some level and she isn't like that

nothing to really defend since i don't disagree with you

asteroid wise i just have dionysus chilling in leo in my 10th house doing **** all and bacchus is in scorpio squaring my sun

but as far as esoteric life experiences go there's been a lot of **** , like i said though long story

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Mm, that sounds like you've got a lot to be aware of in your travel thru this lifetime, mostly. Not that it's all fatalistic or anything. Sisyphus on the Sun is brutal tho; prone to doing things the hard way? In my chart it's on my Juno, so I'm prone to seeking that out/being that as well lmao. It's troublesome. I haven't really studied fixed stars yet, though I'm fairly sure I have a few in strong places.

Well Feminism isn't really a title, IMO, more of just a mindset. I think a lot of people have the right idea but go about it quite wrong- mostly because we're coming out of an age where it's been ignored/resisted for a long time, so there's a loooooot of collective anger to burn out from it as a whole, first.

posted April 27, 2019 06:01 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by implosions:
Mm, that sounds like you've got a lot to be aware of in your travel thru this lifetime, mostly. Not that it's all fatalistic or anything. Sisyphus on the Sun is brutal tho; prone to doing things the hard way? In my chart it's on my Juno, so I'm prone to seeking that out/being that as well lmao. It's troublesome. I haven't really studied fixed stars yet, though I'm fairly sure I have a few in strong places.

Well Feminism isn't really a title, IMO, more of just a mindset. I think a lot of people have the right idea but go about it quite wrong- mostly because we're coming out of an age where it's been ignored/resisted for a long time, so there's a loooooot of collective anger to burn out from it as a whole, first.

Ohh, the square from Scorpio could be troublesome (or fun, if you know how to healthily have a good time and let go/go deep about stuff). Dionysus in Leo though hahaha, in the 10th; party presence. Your energy does seem like a fun guy, if a bit prickly sometimes. It's good you can see how your life story stuff relates, that's probably useful

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i'm alright with the idea of life being fatalistic in all honesty, i've had plenty of premonitions of things that have happened (both myself and other people through dreams, meditation, autowriting etc) in a way it's sort of comforting means no matter what you're going where you're going and it's not like that matters much anyway

even without astrology fate has been a pretty big theme in my life, and there have been points where what's kept me from off'ing myself is seeing if the death predictions end up being true if i keep going (funny enough i have past life memories that other people have shared with me where and i've been told i'm going to die the same way i have in the past multiple times; part of that long story) because i figure even if i'm doomed to repeat some **** it's not really a big deal ultimately the ride can still be a good time and that's what counts isn't it? (even when it's not it's all temporary anyway)

i'm equally ok with things not being fatalistic though i get a certain pleasure out of things ending up being that way, it's vaguely satisfying in its own way

doesn't change much either way to me i'm still going to experience life regardless

is there really an easy way to do things? seems like all there ever is to life is doing what you can as it comes your way since **** just happens ultimately, even when people try to have control they don't always anyway so worrying about controlling every outcome or possibility seems pointless to me

i've been through plenty of negative **** i had no control over anyway, not a matter of doing things the hard way just a matter of life being what it is

my juno is on my saturn lol so i get you when it comes to difficult juno placements

fixed stars are intriguing, 2 degree orbs only conjuncts or oppositions mine paint an interesting picture anyway

before i got into astrology that witch i was with did a past life ritual and when i started studying fixed stars i noticed that mine actually paint about the same picture those memories did (almost like playing a game, some changes but within the same framework) i'll see how that works out one way or another, but it made them interesting to me

a lot of the women who are angriest about it haven't really been particularly oppressed though is the thing, ultimately it just seems to play into divide and conquer tactics that are useless as a whole because of bigger picture things that nit picking doesn't work with i think

equal rights would be great, but the reality is society is oppressing everyone and the world is going to hell so backing up on the individual causes to complain about ultimately minor details is kind of pointless to me and that's where i rank the bulk of feminism

before you get mad at that (i'm aware of how it sounds) i'm going to point out that i'm bi and feel the same about the focus on lgbt type **** , it's just another way people focus on one group instead of the bigger picture and it causes a lot of division ultimately which is only beneficial to those in power who need to maintain it

i know how to let go, working on the being healthy about it part, because i've done some very unhealthy **** when it comes to letting go (like the time i used heroin i found by an atm in little bags that said "poison" with a picture of a skull and crossbones on them; in my defense i was already on a bunch of pills and it was my fiancee's birthday so it seemed like a good idea) i can be very impulsive when it comes to pleasure seeking and i'll go to great lengths for fun and things that feel good

also sometimes i just like seeing what will happen so there's that too

i'm a lot of fun, but i'm also an ******* so you're right about that

i'm curious because of sisyphus being on your juno and what you've said about people in general do all the unconditional love friendships you try to have end up being difficult?

posted April 27, 2019 06:22 PM            

It's funny you have that escapist/try all the things tendency despite having Saturn in Sag lmao; I would have assumed that's an area you have strong boundaries with! Though maybe Piscean/Jupiter energy... You DO have Jupiter in Pisces ... in the 5th ahahahhaa. Okay that makes more sense.

I would say so. I can't really think of any relationships outside of family that have lasted longer than 2-3 years without blowing up. There are one or two people I've been friends with 10+ years, but we've also had very intense expulsions and trials in the past, but we drifted back. (One of them I would call a near twin-flame type of soul mate, but we're very close friends, not partners in that sense; and live in different parts of the world).

I suppose I do keep trying the same kind of ... 'hey i'm attached in this relationship! but also don't try and own me or be possessive whatsoever because I'll end it immediately' .. kind of vibe. My Juno is also conjunct BML, which is trine to Jupiter, so I tend to be cozy and close and 'best friend' partner vibe, but I'm also very intensely my own person and I don't ... really have the mindset for a partner? Veeeeeeery rarely do I come across people who I actually think of on the regular or have in mind when making decisions, but usually they have very strong connections to my Juno already. (The one I can think of has Juno on my Juno/Neptune on my BML, but we aren't in a relationship, just friends- which tbh seems better lmao.)

I'm not really sure what it could mean beyond ... I do tend to pick difficult, possessive people in this weird, backwards attempt to prove to them you don't HAVE to be so fearfully possessive; it's possible to unconditionally love someone and not own them? At least that's the mindset I've had in previous relationships, which may or may not be a good thing. I should probably be more focused on myself rather than trying to solve someone else's relationship hang ups.

I'm also poly-leaning, and tend to sucker out very monogamous types. But that might also be the whole 'free love' thing vs 'actually just this one' thing.

-- Oh I had a thought as well; asteroid Union is RIGHT on my Mercury/Lilith, so I'm also very partner oriented when I AM with them. I personally see it as, I may not have a QUANTITY of time for other people, but I give them 100% quality time whenever I can. But then people get choked when that isn't 24/7.

posted April 27, 2019 07:12 PM            

yeah exactly, the entire system has to go for there to even be anything to worry about that's more individualized than just doing what's best for the masses in general (which would be better for everyone women included because the world currently works for very few people and even then not entirely when you look at it too much, it's domestication to an extreme that's ******* horrifying)

i'm hoping to see something more interesting at some point soon politically that opens up any chance of anything actually worthwhile happening, so far it's not pretty though and not bad enough for it to be particularly interesting either

i have a pretty bad issue with it honestly, not only am i surprised i'm even alive (everyone who knows me is too, i've had to check in with people who know me to tell them i'm still alive at points or they'd get worried and assume the worst) but i've tried most things and the **** i haven't done i would do; except meth but i have no interest in uppers other than as mixers because they're good for drinking and hangovers etc

i'm not good when it comes to strong boundaries with much of anything honestly but especially drugs

i've been sober more often more recently, about a week ago i could've passed a drug test for the first time in a long time (without substituting alcohol every day), then i smoked weed 4 days in a row so that's over with, but before that i was high and/or drunk pretty much all day every day for years (had a couple sober days thrown in, not many) and that was after years of going on binges (usually those went on for months)

all of my longterm close relationships are generally chaotic with the exception of one friend who's been really consistent that i've never had an actual argument with

i tend to only get close to plutonic and/or scorpio heavy people for whatever reason, and there's almost always friction because of it but i find it worthwhile to stick around anyway

that guy i mentioned actually is a scorpio and we have some heavy pluto in our synastry but i suppose that's bound to happen sometimes

my fiancee and i have been through a lot together and have had a lot of ups and downs though, but i've known her about 20 years and we've been together for more than half of that

i imagine with all that 8th house scorpio that kind of friction is a given for you though anyway

i agree with you actually, ownership isn't unconditional love anyway, but like you i'm not about monogamy and it's very hard for me to find likeminded people unfortunately who understand my commitment to my fiancee without thinking it would mean i'd be unable to have any sort of commitment towards them or like it'd make love impossible

which i don't get, i don't see why people think there's some limit on the amount of people a person can have deep feelings for or why one intimate relationship means there's no way to have others

i tend to find a lot of jealous and monogamous types too, to a point where it just seems like that must just be the way most people are which is disappointing

my fiancee and i are always talking about how we'd like a third and then so many people feel like if it isn't just them then they don't matter or the people we do find are only sex because there can't be anything deeper with them

it makes people a little disappointing for me honestly, but i keep hoping to find someone so i guess i'm like you in that way

it's funny because her and i are both bi so it's not like we even care about their gender or some ****

posted April 28, 2019 08:29 AM            

i was raised in that, my parents are actually still married, and it's part of why i never wanted a relationship at all when i was younger let alone multiple ones

can't help it when you actually start caring though unfortunately, at least i can't

like you said though people tend to accept what they're told and seek that in life whether or not it makes sense so whatever is ingrained based on society becomes hard to break conditioning (falling for divide and conquer tactics? falling for divide and conquer tactics)

i don't think people necessarily prefer a free love nature, i think **** can happen and limitations and respect have to be part of any working relationship

jealousy can be as natural for some people as a free love nature can be for others, and you can see that even with the way some people are with their friends possessive/obsessive/invasive etc

that being said though i think the mindset drilled into people about it doesn't help and does act as an aid in building some of the more negative feelings people can harbor towards that kind of thing

i think it's interesting that you have a venus-jupiter aspect (trine rather than a square like yours though), i don't have one of those i have venus-uranus but i've noticed in my fiancee's chart in spite of her having venus conjunct pluto in scorpio (hers is exact) and a scorpio mercury (not conjunct like in your case) the trine from venus/pluto to her mars/jupiter (hers is in pisces, neither one is retrograde) makes her a lot more open about the idea of something less traditional with another person being part of the equation than i've seen without those aspects

so it's interesting that you share that (she has venus- neptune too, a sextile) and have a similar outlook when it comes to love

in her case though she tends towards things being casual with other people and then not with me, which works for us because i'm that way with her (i don't make promises or commitments without doing everything i can to keep them, which is why i don't frequently make them but with her i have)

i could see how that's creating your "unconditional love for friends" mindset (back on topic look at that)

i've definitely experienced the dark side of drugs, but i've been lucky to get out of it the times i have; life just kind of lined up in a way where those situations were temporary and i was able to get away entirely

during my saturn return i was addicted to heroin though, after 15 years of messing around with opiates (pills though) i ended up getting heavy into that and had a point where if i slept a little late i'd wake up going through the beginning stages of withdrawal and **** , using to not feel sick rather than getting high (i used other drugs to get high instead mixed a lot of **** , i'm not a big guy and i used to scare the **** out of people who were using with me because i'd mix muscle relaxers, benzos, cocaine, heroin, alcohol, weed etc all in one sitting) maybe jupiter's kept it all from killing me lol

saturn squaring my ascendant/venus/moon has brought more frequent sobriety with it interestingly enough, and it hitting my mars came with me not really drinking and quitting cigarettes

i've been heavy into the lifestyle though, but whenever i've quit something it's been cold turkey and i've been in a situation where i've been able to move away from where i was living etc to quit and stay clean

it sounds like you've done better with that sort of thing than i have

posted April 28, 2019 02:14 PM            

But yeah, the square from Jupiter- It's a strange one in regards to this topic, I guess. I see it as like ... 5th house can rule friendship, well 11/5 rules friendships in different ways, and Jupiter in 5th, to me, is like saying I love being a friend. I love the parts of being compassionate and having fun or cheering people up, supporting playfulness and embracing the inner child-- that's actually a good way to put it. My inner child has a very easy time seeing the other child in everyone? And there's this huge part of me (lol Jupiter) that just wants to shake up the drudgery of life and have fun and be merry. But then people can get attached to that, especially since I tend to seek out and sprinkle my happy-fairy-dust on those who are feeling it the hardest. (I suspect Bacchus/Dionysus influence here, too.)

If I think of what asteroids might be with Jupiter in my case ... Lucifer, Hecate, Orcus- which ironically seems really Plutonic in nature, so maybe that's why it comes across really intense to others, but normal to me? Hmm. Hm hm hm.

I think a note I should make as well, for all the free love idealization I have (and I do try to keep it realistic usually lmao) I would definitely say I lean towards more sexually monogamous? It would have to be a rare occasion of deeply healthy communication and polyamory situation for more. But I'm also the type who can easily be celibate for years because I'm very mindful about what energy I connect with in that way. Which may also add to the whole 'Hi I'm very intense and I love you deeply but no I don't want to sleep with you' thing that throws people for a loop.

Maybe it's just a less common mindset to have in life. ¯\_(ツ _/¯

I'm at the height of my Saturn Return right now, and ... I'm not entirely sure how it's been affecting me. I lost most of my friends last year (two Capricorns that I still only barely understand what the problem was; I wasn't risk taking enough in life??? idk.) and my father passed away (his Chiron was right on my Saturn) but Saturn is only just now in exact conjunction. Sadly I think mine will be a while yet because Pluto/Saturn are going to be back and forth over my Saturn for the next year and a half, I think.

And in regards to drug use- I can kind of relate in that if I let myself, I can be a very addictive personality, but I tend to cold turkey it fairly easy as well if I have the mind for it. (I quit smoking weed because Mercury in the 8th fears of being prone to lung issues lol) But I've never been a drug user, really, so I can't compare anything here. I have other ways of feeling 'high' that I'm still trying to wean off of - unconscious habits like holding my breath or forgetting to eat for long periods of time, but otherwise no I've never dabbled down that road because I am unsure what would happen. I also don't have any inclination to and suspect my body wouldn't process it well.

posted April 28, 2019 06:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by implosions:
@Dumuzi -

I'm glad you got your butt sober though; or at least to a healthier/clean state. Good for getting your life in your own hands n such.

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oh got you, i went straight to sex lol because i like more than one person with that too, but yeah without definitely and i'm not really sure why people don't grasp that or that there's different kinds of love though when you remove sex from the equation people seem to get it a little easier

see i'd definitely blame some of that on venus - neptune with venus-jupiter in the mix because my fiancee can definitely have that sort of child-like naivete in regards to other people and friendship type love where she can see things in a more innocent manner and not go past it

i get wanting to shake up how boring and sad life is, that i'm with you on, that's usually the thing most people like about me when they've had to work with me; that i keep things lively and will play/invent games etc and make things a little less boring because i'm terrible with mundane routines and that sort of thing helps me out

also i find being around people who are sad depressing because i can feel it coming off them so i like cheering them up, makes everyone's life easier

i'm not particularly into asteroids so i don't know a whole lot about the ones i do have, but i would say a lot of your intensity might be more 8th house and scorpio stellium

i'm not the best with sexual monogamy but i haven't needed to be so there's that, i'm not really sure what celibacy would be like because i haven't been single since i was in hs and i'm 32 now so that was a long time ago you know? i can't picture it though if i haven't had sex in a couple of days i start to feel severely depressed and it ***** with my head

i'm careful how deeply i connect with people during sex in the sense that my fiancee specifically is very different than other people and the ways i'll have sex with her differ too (tantric sex, heavier bdsm etc) so my intimacy levels do exist they're just looser than other people's

i have saturn and pluto all over my ic and squaring my ascendant and venus and moon nodes etc currently and it hasn't actually been bad so far if anything i feel like it's helping me pull my **** together and focus after my saturn return left me in a really bad place needing to start over from scratch and **** like that

i'm sorry for your losses though, i know that means **** all to an extent because it sounds trite and doesn't do much but it sounds like your saturn return has been less fun than mine was

i mean don't get me wrong mine was exactly as horrible as it was fun, but still i feel better for the experience learned some **** about life and drugs and myself

i quit smoking weed for the most part, and need to get into the habit of eating it if i'm going to use it at all because my health has been all kinds of ****** for years and smoking isn't exactly going to make it better (was having issues with my lungs from repeated colds and **** all winter which is why i ended up quitting cigarettes for the millionth time)

i'm curious since that's an interesting habit that i've never heard anyone mention before how long have you noticed you do the holding your breath thing? does it stem from anything in particular?

i can't judge forgetting to eat, i've done that occasionally though usually if i don't eat it's out of sheer laziness when it comes to feeding myself (i have no problem cooking for my fiancee though and that's part of it i guess i don't always eat because i figure i'll cook for her or she'll cook and i'll just eat then)

i didn't really think much getting on that road, it's been drug experimentation since i was a kid and opportunities to try things just coming up (not peer pressure just like "here's free drugs" and i love free drugs to a point where i've actually done things like taken pills that were handed to me then asked what they were after)

posted April 28, 2019 07:48 PM            

I would also suspect having trauma related to my sexuality from a young age has a hand in how I developed my conscious interaction with it; something I'm working on in therapy/etc to hopefully have a better handle and understanding on. It would be nice to have a healthy expression of sexuality and not always feel so tied in knots about the topic.

And yeah, that's good! One of my siblings has the Pluto/Saturn conjunction going on over their IC as well and it's definitely been more positive in the long run (apart from the loss of our father- though that seemed to have trigger the need for a change, either way). It's tough, but usually rewarding if it's not rejected at every turn. (I imagine that take would be difficult.)

And hm, it might be less holding my breath intentionally, and more of breathing out/waiting a long time to breathe in as I don't often feel the need right away. I'm also a fairly shallow breather (which seems to have been maternally hereditary, as well as seems to be a symptom of PTSD/Anxiety, which is strong in both sides of my family). The breathing thing I have recently learned is common among people on the spectrum as well, in the sense that they breath out and don't breathe in often.

I read up once as well that it can be used in types of meditation. A few years ago I found I have asteroid Samadhi right on my Sun- which Samadhi, I believe, is a state of meditative bliss-- which *yeah*. My form of daydreaming would definitely be akin to a type of meditation. And I do it quite often, as well as just as a response to trying to understand most events in my life. Is this a processing thing that comes from being on the spectrum? Perhaps, I'm still not sure. I do know my 'mental processor' for dealing with sensory input is always hard at work (more so than is normal, I think) so there's that as well. An ex of mine was always trying to snap me out of my reveries, warning me my 'processor is gonna overheat' because I am often overtired mentally lmao. I find being around people who give the same sort of quality time back as I do are what seems to pull me out of the mental fall back, if that makes sense.

Whew, went off on that- but that's what the breathing thing is all about, I think.

posted April 29, 2019 09:05 AM            

well i tend to consider whether or not i'd have sex with every adult i ever interact with so i can be worse with that than a lot of people

she's like you with that, i mean obviously she has an adult mind and can be very sexual etc but when it isn't on her mind it isn't there and she can be oblivious, it sounds like you're similar in that manner

she doesn't tend to think about those kinds of ulterior motives in spite of being really perceptive generally, she's great at cold reading people but that can be a blind spot for her

only asteroid i can think of on my north node is bellona, not sure what to think of that one lol

i can relate to the sexual trauma, on some level anyway, i'm not sure what you've been through but i've dealt with my own abuse and **** in that regard and i know how it can **** with things later on (i can't have sex sober with anyone other than my fiancee, she's the only one i've done that with) so hopefully you do find a way to navigate through that at least in a way that works for you

yeah i've noticed with saturn giving in and just going along with the lessons that are being dug up makes things a lot smoother, and with pluto i just generally tend to find it more positive than a lot of people do but it could be the way it's aspected in my chart

that's interesting, the breathing thing, hadn't heard that as symptom for ptsd or as a common thing for people on the spectrum before

i imagine it'd work well for meditation, sounds like a better asteroid to have on your sun instead of the ones i know about on mine (kaali, nessus, tyche, sisyphus)

yeah what you're describing with processing is likely related to being on the spectrum, since sensory overload is a really common issue for people on the spectrum, and it makes sense that being engaged otherwise helps you snap out of it

i got a lot of mindfulness work down dealing with health issues (unrelated to my drug use, i say that because people have this tendency to place the blame there) but it's definitely something i could get better with, helps a lot with pain and not wanting to shoot myself in the face though lol

posted April 29, 2019 01:53 PM            

Yes, trauma help and therapy is what I'm in now for things and I hope it helps- I think it will. Just slow going because government anything is always about wait time in between sessions. But I am grateful for it (thanks universe). But yeah, sober intimacy has been historically way overwhelming for me as well. No bueno.

Also in regards to Bellona on your NN I found this: ( http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum28/HTML/001195.html ) with some neat info. It's cool too, since you have Mars things going on in your chart. Finding the feminine archetype to balance you out, perhaps? Either within you or with you in life to help stimulate it in you? Hmmm.

Mindfulness is great for so many things- especially health related issues. And yeah, I almost assumed some of the drug use might have been because of the health issues? That's usually why I see other people start using. (It's why I started using in the past, for what I did use, as well.)

And dang those are some asteroids on the sun lmao. Kaali is cool, Nessus always makes me a bit nervous because I don't know how well to interpret a neutral stance on it (I don't like leaning benefic or malific too much on placements in general, but) it's a tricky one. Nessus for me is mixed with Aphrodite, Lust, Horus and Pan- which are all semi-sextile my sun/venus to the degree, so it definitely comes up. All I can think of for Nessus in a neutral position would be like ... Those issues tend to come up a lot and need confronting? Hm. And isn't Tyche a good asteroid to have on the sun? Doesn't that lend to fortune/luck in the chart or am I thinking of something else?

posted April 29, 2019 04:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by implosions:

Yes, trauma help and therapy is what I'm in now for things and I hope it helps- I think it will. Just slow going because government anything is always about wait time in between sessions. But I am grateful for it (thanks universe). But yeah, sober intimacy has been historically way overwhelming for me as well. No bueno.

Also in regards to Bellona on your NN I found this: ( http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum28/HTML/001195.html ) with some neat info. It's cool too, since you have Mars things going on in your chart. Finding the feminine archetype to balance you out, perhaps? Either within you or with you in life to help stimulate it in you? Hmmm.

Mindfulness is great for so many things- especially health related issues. And yeah, I almost assumed some of the drug use might have been because of the health issues? That's usually why I see other people start using. (It's why I started using in the past, for what I did use, as well.)

And dang those are some asteroids on the sun lmao. Kaali is cool, Nessus always makes me a bit nervous because I don't know how well to interpret a neutral stance on it (I don't like leaning benefic or malific too much on placements in general, but) it's a tricky one. Nessus for me is mixed with Aphrodite, Lust, Horus and Pan- which are all semi-sextile my sun/venus to the degree, so it definitely comes up. All I can think of for Nessus in a neutral position would be like ... Those issues tend to come up a lot and need confronting? Hm. And isn't Tyche a good asteroid to have on the sun? Doesn't that lend to fortune/luck in the chart or am I thinking of something else?

Sun asteroids are cool though, since it's kind of like we get to play with those energies in our personality in a really conscious way. Apart from Dionysus and Samadhi, I think I've got ... Erato and wow I just found asteroid Prometheus on my AC lmao. (This could lead into trouble off topic lolll with Pandora on my MC- bringing fire from the gods to people? whoops what have I done.)

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i debate often, and even if i don't find them desirable that doesn't necessarily mean i would never

i'm really leaning towards it being the scorpio energy mixed with neptune because i've seen just scorpio energy on its own not work like that so i'm guessing some of that added neptune influence adds a little more innocence to it

she also can have that deep love for just friends, she has one friend in particular who she really loves and it's such an important relationship to her, completely nonsexual but there's a very deep mutual love there (her friend also has scorpio venus conjunct pluto sextile neptune interestingly enough, i can't remember the rest of her chart i know she has an aquarius moon conjunct ascendant)

i've never been to therapy for any of my **** i've tried to just immerse myself in meditation and that side of things instead with some success, but yeah government **** is a ***** but if it ran efficiently then it'd almost be like it worked or something and we can't have that lol

i have a long history of needing to be really intoxicated before having sex with people, but like i said it's different with her

we were actually talking about that this morning (she's had the same issue where i'm the exception) because we had sober sex yesterday and i was telling her how it surprises me in retrospect sometimes that sex with her sober feels the same as it does without drugs because i can't even imagine any of that with someone else without drugs or alcohol being involved

to a point where i've known sex was a thing that was going to happen and i've rushed to the being wasted part of things as quickly as possible so it could be when it's been anyone except her

she feels right though, it's different

maybe you just need to find that person who's different

her north node is on my descendant exact so it also hits mine, and i've definitely needed her to balance me out and i feel like in a lot of ways she's helped me really learn how to function (she's also got all that water in her chart that i lack, she lacks personal planets in earth so there's a helpful dynamic there) and be a person and understand **** like feelings and whatnot

the health issues prompted the addiction, it's easy to overdo something that takes away so much pain at first, i remember the first time i used heroin i almost felt like crying because i'd forgotten what not being in pain was like

but i've also always been prone to drug use and excess etc for fun so there's that too

i think with nessus the whole idea that the person is definitely an abuser is really frustrating for me because i'm not like that, i've dealt with abuse though and i can see that ability in me to really crush and destroy people because when i'm angry i can be a terrible person i know how to hurt another person well

i know exactly where to put pressure to make them collapse and i do it coldly and effortlessly and i can sense weakness in other people the way a predatory animal can sense fear

and i know that about myself and it's not the best but i also tuck that away and don't act on it

it's all about managing that energy

out of those i think only lust and horus are important (i guess pan sextiles my sun) lust is conjunct uranus almost exact if i remember right and i have horus on my midheaven (anubis is also on my midheaven, osiris is on my ic)

tyche can be good fortune, but the goddess herself also caused ill fortune too though when people read asteroids they focus on the good part my luck is really all over the place but i generally get lucky out of nowhere when things seem really bleak

interesting midheaven ascendant asteroid combination you got there my ascendant has nymphe and narcissus on it not sure what to make of that

posted April 29, 2019 05:00 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
it's all about managing that energy

out of those i think only lust and horus are important (i guess pan sextiles my sun) lust is conjunct uranus almost exact if i remember right and i have horus on my midheaven (anubis is also on my midheaven, osiris is on my ic)

tyche can be good fortune, but the goddess herself also caused ill fortune too though when people read asteroids they focus on the good part my luck is really all over the place but i generally get lucky out of nowhere when things seem really bleak

interesting midheaven ascendant asteroid combination you got there my ascendant has nymphe and narcissus on it not sure what to make of that

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Yeah the managing part- being aware that we're capable of those types of horrible things, but also having the awareness to choose how to act or not act upon them. I suspect it would be one of those things that can be awful if the person is really self unaware in life. I've met a few people like that and it's very stressful/hurtful to be around for sure.

Neat that you've got Horus/Anubis (who are half siblings-- well, cousin/siblings, what with all the incest in that family), both being fathered by Osiris. Perhaps you father yourself in some way? The Divine Child and the Guardian of Death? Hmm.

posted April 29, 2019 07:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by implosions:
Yeah the managing part- being aware that we're capable of those types of horrible things, but also having the awareness to choose how to act or not act upon them. I suspect it would be one of those things that can be awful if the person is really self unaware in life. I've met a few people like that and it's very stressful/hurtful to be around for sure.

Neat that you've got Horus/Anubis (who are half siblings-- well, cousin/siblings, what with all the incest in that family), both being fathered by Osiris. Perhaps you father yourself in some way? The Divine Child and the Guardian of Death? Hmm.

Nymphe and Narcissus on the AC? Maybe a sort of self satisfaction when it comes to sexuality- like you said, you've never really been celibate, if anything it causes you depression?Perhaps a glance into how you seek self satisfaction on a mental level (maybe through the chemical release we get through sex lmao) or something. Nymphe is an interesting one, IMO. I have that one right on my Pluto, and I would definitely view my 'nympho' energies needing to be very Plutonic in nature or they're almost not worth it. Anything too vanilla or 'meh' is extremely dissatisfying for me. Narcissus is 0 Sag for me ahaha, which trines my SN, sextiles my DC and interacts with all my angles actually. That makes sense; I have a need to be seen as adventurous or playful/optimistic- if much else, I can easily become depressed. An interesting theory.

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yeah i'm pretty sure if i was a different sort of person i could easily be a monster, i'm very good at being able to feel other people i always hear **** like "you always know what to say" or "you understand me better than anyone" from people etc and so on and the flipside of that is i know how to hurt them, what to hit to destroy them etc and so on

i can also be extremely detached and cold (a lot of abuse, not being allowed to have feelings etc will do that) so there's that too

i know people respond to me certain ways because of my looks and **** too and it would be very easy to use **** like that to my advantage if i was inclined to

lot of **** like that, but because i've been through so much abuse the idea of hurting other people doesn't sit right with me

what's interesting about them being on my midheaven is they're not the only set of siblings there because it's also conjunct fixed stars castor and pollux

i've taken care of myself in a lot of ways my whole life, my parents were mostly dependable in a financial sense

definite need to avoid celibacy for me, i just can't handle it at all, it's the chemical release it's drowning in another person, it's a lot of **** that i can put into words and **** i can't

i've also gotten by in a more than one circumstance entirely based on my looks

i'm with you on not caring for things that are too vanilla though the only asteroid on my pluto i can think of is adonis

i feel like vanilla sex generally isn't particularly intimate, i feel like part of the depths of connecting sexually comes through exploring areas that are more than surface and vanilla sex can just feel like surface if that makes sense

posted April 29, 2019 09:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
but because i've been through so much abuse the idea of hurting other people doesn't sit right with me

what's interesting about them being on my midheaven is they're not the only set of siblings there because it's also conjunct fixed stars castor and pollux

i've taken care of myself in a lot of ways my whole life, my parents were mostly dependable in a financial sense

definite need to avoid celibacy for me, i just can't handle it at all, it's the chemical release it's drowning in another person, it's a lot of **** that i can put into words and **** i can't

i've also gotten by in a more than one circumstance entirely based on my looks

i'm with you on not caring for things that are too vanilla though the only asteroid on my pluto i can think of is adonis

i feel like vanilla sex generally isn't particularly intimate, i feel like part of the depths of connecting sexually comes through exploring areas that are more than surface and vanilla sex can just feel like surface if that makes sense

i figure someone plutonic probably gets that

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Yeah I can agree on that; the whole already knowing well how it feels and not wanting to do the same to others. It just feels grimy. Like I'm well aware what kind of karma that would reign down on me, and maybe I was that in a previous life? I dunno lmao (My Karma asteroid is in my 12th, but exactly trine to my Sun, so I mean, I feel that slapback right away.)

Hmm, interesting though; sibling/twin theme. Interesting, considering your Lilith and Chiron vibes are in Gemini; duality could be a major theme for you maybe? Actually that makes sense since you know you're capable of being one whole horrible thing (ie the potential to use your knowledge against others in abusive forms) and choose to do something else entirely? Kind of dualistic in nature. Maybe.

I almost wish I had that problem of anti-celibacy lmao. It might be more fun. Not that I imagine the fall into depression and such is any more fun, so there's that.

Aha! Adonis on Pluto; that makes sense why you keep seeking out/preferring Scorpionic company. Adonis seems to be a place where we absolutely favor/adore the energy. Mine is I think 0 Scorpio, and I've had it conjunct someone's Mercury/Sun stellium and lemme tell you, man. It is hard to let that one go. They are just the bees damn knees, IMO. It's not conjunct any planets for me though, just interacting with my angles through aspect I guess since it's a 0 degree placement. Hmmm. I do have intensely high standards for almost everything in life lmao. I can 'suffice' for lower, as it's just what it is, but if it's something I want long term/close to me wellllll, it has to match.

posted April 29, 2019 11:52 PM            

it's an interesting thing to consider, the dualism, i suppose i'll find out eventually i feel like my life has just been a series of going from one **** situation to the next making the best out of it til it falls apart and gives way to something new

i think with sex it's a bit of an addiction for me honestly, because it can **** with my head like drugs can not having it

that could be the reason i like them so much though they usually find me instead of the other way around, i like their sense of humor and perspective usually

what do you consider high standards? just curious it's all subjective

i meant what you meant about vanilla sex btw, tantric sex isn't vanilla it goes beyond the depths of what intimacy is past the skin and vanilla sex is just the physical act without any of that just not doing anything deeper

posted April 30, 2019 02:34 AM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
@implosions
i believe in cause and effect

what do you consider high standards? just curious it's all subjective

i meant what you meant about vanilla sex btw, tantric sex isn't vanilla it goes beyond the depths of what intimacy is past the skin and vanilla sex is just the physical act without any of that just not doing anything deeper

so we agree on that

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@Dumuzi - Yeah the cause and effect thing- to me Karma is just the style of 'what you put out, you get back'- especially in the sense of what you're thinking about, you draw towards you, so in that sense having a control over your subconscious mind is super important. Or not control, just an awareness. Unconscious intent is probably the BIGGEST issue in humanity right now, IMO. But that's another can of beans, too.

I'm always curious about the past lives thing. I can't say I 100% believe in it, but I enjoy believing that it could be a thing. I don't think they have much influence over this life beyond a lot of unconscious habits maybe brought over, or wounded habits, mostly. Trust issues that seem to come from minor things in life- that could just be because I've got Chiron/SN so I tend to have a sort of weak knee towards strange issues that never seem to have a true cause. But yeah, mostly just unconscious habits or things people are prone to doing without thinking for so long it's just part of them. And then the NN being all the stuff we do to balance out handling those things in life, to help move us forward and not stay stuck in old cycles n stuff.

Uhh I guess standards in the sense of they have to match me internally to some degree. Like yes, my Libra DC is shallow as **** and I am really picky about how attractive someone is/how well they keep themselves, etc. It doesn't have to be milestone effort, but in the sense that they enjoy preening or looking nice/aesthetic/etc. It's important to me, so I hope it's important to them. (If it's less, generally my attraction level is a lot lower lmao, but I've also dated below my standards before, so idk. None of them lasted however.) And then the big one is how nice someone is. I really can't stand dating someone with casual cruelty or like someone who ******* about things in life out of their control (like traffic/slow walkers/etc) and the more I put this out lmaooo the more I'm just thinking about my Apollo/Ceres in Libra, like just be a loving god/goddess and I'm good lmao. Damn.

posted April 30, 2019 07:57 AM            

well that's all a matter of manifestation isn't it? though through that you can argue that you put intent behind manifestation and then put things out of sight out of mind you draw what you want and skip cause and effect to an extent (that's another discussion though i suppose and i'm not 100% on my feelings there, more experimentation needed really)

i never really put much stock into them but an ex did a ritual i told her not to do and i started having memories (these oddly enough were tied to both auto writing after a pcp black out on my 22nd birthday and near constant deja vu during a trip to rome when i was 18 where i had an easy time navigating the streets and kept feeling like i had been there before) over the course of experiencing the memories her, my fiancee, and i would test the memories (based on individual perspective) by leaving out details and there were many shared ones

i've studied some history since, but at the time i didnt care and mostly through a chick i met years later (who was into research and had some dreams/memories that matched) i found out they were historically accurate as far as we could research (due to the occult, politics, and military heavy nature of them)

the occult practices i could remember (i had been raised catholic, was agnostic, and found buddhist philosophy interesting at the time) turned out to be actual practices and so was them veing illegal and held secretly etc

the ties to politics and the occult trace back heavily too and even the deities and so on

and always consistent "do you remember this?" "yeah it happened like (added details that i purposely didnt share)"

even more recently (last year) i ended up meeting several other people who shared those memories as well, and one who was able to scry a name that my ex mentioned earlier of someone who was mutually disliked by pretty much everyone with memories of him

can i definitively explain all of that beyond any doubt? no but my experiences of fate and **** along those lines that have led me to dig deeply into the occult and astrology etc have all heavily suggested that it's a reality that should be considered and it's crazier to deny than accept

through deeper digging with those people i ended up meeting through the occult i was able to uncover more shared memories of other lives as well, and seen the way they blend together

so that's really shaped my views of the subject

with me i've hooked up with and dated below what i find attractive (i've been called shallow but i dont think i am due to that fact) but i find my fiancee attractive and have realized i prefer being with someone im attracted to because when im not i find the irritating things they do and their flaws a little more grating however unfair and ****** up that sounds

to be fair apollo was kind of a ****** about lovers lol had terrible luck too

posted April 30, 2019 07:35 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
so that's really shaped my views of the subject

with me i've hooked up with and dated below what i find attractive (i've been called shallow but i dont think i am due to that fact) but i find my fiancee attractive and have realized i prefer being with someone im attracted to because when im not i find the irritating things they do and their flaws a little more grating however unfair and ****** up that sounds

to be fair apollo was kind of a ****** about lovers lol had terrible luck too

when it comes to tantric sex only my fiancee, but there are a lot of things i'd only do with her and a good deal of my spiritual practices and where those blend with sex are tied to my relationship with her at this point

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Dang, it sounds like you do kind of believe in past lives ahaha-- that's really cool though. A bit hard to follow, but fascinating.

I mean to an extent I don't think it's a bad thing to only be in tune with those we find attractive. That's kind of how our species works; we like what we like? I dunno. I try not to feel guilty over it lmao but sometimes it still happens.

And y e ah, I have very mixed feelings about Apollo- especially in to the extent that, I believe, his rise to fame (or in that he took over from the muses) was essentially the metaphor for the rise of patriarchy. Or at least a form of it. So that in and of itself really rubs me sideways, but I have a lot of curiosity about it. But more in a 'I feel in tune with Artemis in being REALLY SICK AND TIRED of her stupid ass brother doing dumb **** and getting away with it, but also he's the brother so we do unfortunately love him, damnit'. It's a very strange sense. I do often find myself being really conflicted with it because I love men, cherish them, but holy **** they **** me off sometimes. Especially when it's an unevolved or unawares man. Or the type that claim to be self aware but are so damn self entitled I wanna kick them. I mean not really, but ugh.

posted May 02, 2019 06:08 PM            

my bad if i didn't make sense i was running on no sleep taking a trip with my fiancee, went back to nyc to visit family and **** for a couple days our younger brothers both still live there so i was out of it, still haven't slept much but let me try to clarify a little

i don't necessarily believe my experiences were memories since there's no way to be sure beyond any doubt i can't commit to a view where i pretend to know 100% however my life experiences have suggested it's highly likely past lives exist because the chances of not only having memories but sharing them with people who i've met over the years isn't exactly crazy high

im aware of how things sound outside of that experience and im always open to possibility, but logically it makes no sense to discard my experiences in favor of pure skepticism

it's all a long hard to condense story though

i don't think it's negative at all, and i think people make a big deal out of caring about attractiveness in spite of finding it perfectly reasonable to discard people for various other reasons that bother people less

physical appearance is just a touchy subject with a lot of people

i never really thought all that of apollo, though as far as his ties to civilization as a whole go i have my views but that's unrelated to anything regarding gender

i havent paid a whole lot of attention to artemis admittedly as a kid i remember thinking she was a **** tbh lol

posted May 04, 2019 04:11 PM            

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
my bad if i didn't make sense

i never really thought all that of apollo, though as far as his ties to civilization as a whole go i have my views but that's unrelated to anything regarding gender

i havent paid a whole lot of attention to artemis admittedly as a kid i remember thinking she was a **** tbh lol

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It makes more sense now! I followed before, but your opinion on it was a bit back and forth hahaha. I hear you now.

posted May 05, 2019 10:03 AM            

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Originally posted by implosions:
It makes more sense now! I followed before, but your opinion on it was a bit back and forth hahaha. I hear you now.

I haven't studied either of them too much, beyond the implications for their 'sun' and 'moon' and all the symbolism that goes along with that. External creativity vs internal wisdom, etc. Expressing vs Seeking, etc. And I mean most of the women myths have been retold by patriarchy over the years and all the original stories have been mostly lost, sooooo I can understand that lmao.

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i'm back and forth on a lot of things, multiple sides to a lot of **** i try to examine them all and leave room for possibility; dislike considering one side without also pointing out the possibility of others

in all honesty individual myths aren't what actually matters as much as the symbolism that ties them all together

you'll see repeated themes throughout various religions and cultures when you dig and those seem to be more important than individual myths so it really doesnt matter how the retelling and changes go ultimately it boils down to looking at all of that as a whole

that being said i don't think every unsympathetic woman in mythology is a result of the "patriarchy"

i think artemis seems to be very sympathetic to people who follow her (and many people do, i was with a chick who did and i humored her once and tried calling down the moon and that did fuckall but ive had results with plenty of other occult practices) i just personally never found her particularly likeable though i can say the same for apollo in many ways