posted February 21, 2022 06:48 PM            

On the inside I am like "WTF!? are you crazy?" He is fully aware that my entire building has a roach problem. Like why in the heavens would he think I would want people over there...when I cannot even stand to be there? I love my bestie but WTF is going on with his social awareness? Like if I wasn't going through this of course I would have him come over to my place.

Like honestly with my upbringing I see living somewhere with roaches as a moral failing.

Like it also doesn't seem to be clicking with him that I am staying over my sisters on the weekends because of it. Yeah we want to see each other. I'm sorry if he is sick of me coming over to see him....but it's like HELLOOOO...I kind of have a circumstance going on where I really do not feel comfortable having people over to my place. Like I really haven't had my basic home needs met since July and now it's February!

He offered to come over to my sister's house. Like dude THIS is NOT my HOUSE!! Just like, why make things more awkward than they need to be!? Haven't I suffered enough?! Have I not been reminded enough that I haven't had a functioning home since JULY?!
So I was sorta ****** when he was like "how about I come over to your sister's place?" So then I was kind of like, well I need to check with my sister first (while on the inside being like why the F are you doing this to me?)
And good on my sister for saying "no"

I am just in such a horrible mood now. And my husband is back to doing a sh!+ job with being emotionally supportive of me having to deal with not having my own functioning home for this long. I wish I did not make plans today. I kind of just hate everyone and am feeling sick of people today. I do not know how to shake the way I feel.

posted June 05, 2022 07:07 PM            

I can be social, but I also need time to recharge.

My mom is a Leo w/ Gemini rising and Cap moon so she has that whole always act happy and put on a show for people vibe. Wants attention like a Leo BUT expects you to act and talk like Ned Flanders too.
I only act happy when I am not if I am getting paid to do it. LOL With that family dynamic it's been pretty difficult.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if she did not do this. Like I am staying here for over a month, don't take it so personal if I want some time to myself.

I am trying very hard to not be ungrateful to stay here as I go through this transition. I will have some time to get away in a few weeks and then another weekend in July.
That's why I am here venting.

posted June 05, 2022 07:40 PM            

Like if I am watching TV that means I want to watch TV and that I don't want to talk. Sit down and talks over my show. Wants to do the whole yap-yap thing when I've worked all day. I have to deal with my students talking my ear off all day. But when I lose my composure, I'm the rude one. Because I don't want to compromise my need to relax and appease her.

It's like guess what, the more you disturb me...the more alone time I am going to need. If you would just give it to me I would be more up for chatting with you later.

After having my own place, it just sucks to feel like you are being rude for not being a 24/7 extravert in a place where I come to I eat, sleep, **** and p!$$.

It's not only that, she gaslights, talks over people, does this thing where she persists if you don't say what she wants to hear.
Lost cause: she's in her 60's and set in her ways, but its like yeah maybe if you didn't gas light people, persist when boundaries are established, talk over people, and tell people they can only say how they if it's good feelings, and shh people if they raise their voice or laugh too loud then maybe people in this family would want to talk to you for longer periods of time.

With PMS and period I do not have a tolerance for it at all right now.

posted June 05, 2022 08:05 PM            

My in-laws are the opposite, and are very comfortable with silence...and it does come across as rude sometimes.

My husband confronted me on this once. It's like you just talk to talk, because you are uncomfortable with silence.

I don't take it to the extreme my mom does though.
But it's like I am not in public right now, I think it's okay if I am silent once in a while. Or if I'm obviously not in the best mood...and you expect me to put on a mask. That is annoying. Sometimes I think when she does it, it's like she is saying "heyy be fake and act happy." It kind of just makes me want to roll my eyes. "Isn't this chicken great!?" "Isn't this great?" "Isn't that great???"

posted February 27, 2023 11:12 PM            

I knew better with my mom, and kept the call short.

posted April 08, 2023 08:42 AM            

It just really hit me, though things have been smoother...I can't forget the things she has said and done while I was going through my divorce. She is trying to force a positive relationship when she has done even more to make her partially even more dead to me. Like she is trying to erase history with a Scorpio moon.

She grew up very academic and was pretty much a straight A student though all her education. But she does not like to surround her self with people like this. She likes her friends to be less advantaged than her and are co dependent on her so she has the upper hand. Until she gets burned out. Since I have been home she has really not had any sort of social life. Her social life is basically her notary clients(not a real social life), and she has started going to bible study again. She has outgrown friends from her past because they like to drink and smoke ciggs. I've talked with my sister about it. One of her oldest friend's husbands was cheating on her. So that's probably why she drank.

And with her being so uncomfortable with feelings she doesn't want anyone to be too close. Though she is very social she expects everyone to put on this toxic positivity act. And it just alienates her socially. She also has a problem with other people having the spotlight and letting them talk.

When I tell her like it is, I am attempting to establish boundaries, and also do her a favor.

She was doing it again...I was just kind of telling her how it sucks that when at the school I am at now makes teachers work from home on snow days. I was trying to explain how I could see how a teacher quit who has two preschool aged kids...my mom cuts me off. And says "well that's really good that you guys get to work from home"
I was kind of like "hold on I am telling you that it's not good, and you are cutting me off and telling me that it's good!?"

My therapist gave me permission to establish boundaries about her being dismissive, and invalidating what I say.

Of course my mom can't handle being told this. And is basically tells me that I have a problem with her being positive.
Um no invalidating peoples feelings is actually very negative, can make people feel worse, and it makes people not want to be around you. (hence your social life being basically non existent)

My dad even joked that if my mom retires soon, he's going back to work.

Anyways I felt like I was communicating with a narcissist. I was telling her that I was saying these things to try to do her a favor so she is not so alienated, and that I was empathy that her walking friend passed away.

She was not receptive at all and started gaslighting me. It got to the point where I told her how I really feel. "I can really only be around you in small doses because of how you are. I appreciate you paying my medical bills and giving me a place to eat, sleep, p!ss, and shi+. But I really have had to lower my expectations to continue my relationship with you. With this family I really have zero expectations for any emotional support. Lets not go on any walks together for a while."

Then she got defensive like going on walks are healthy.

((Not with the wrong company)))

While I felt like that conversation had to happen I felt very strange after. It did not feel good. Just getting to the point of you have let me down so much, that you can't even let me down anymore. I pretty much don't feel much for you anymore.

posted April 15, 2023 11:05 PM            

But in general it kind of peeves me when I invite people to something. And they flat out wont tell you. Depending on what kind of party/celebration it is...you can't just decide you're going at the last minute. People need to know how much food to cook/order. Or like my limo party. Only two people have responded. My friends are making me feel a little like crap. I seriously feel like I am talking to a wall on my FB event. And events where you can only invite a certain amount of people...and people who will not go. But will not tell you they can't go...it's like out of all the people I know I chose you. I could of chose someone else who possibly of maybe wanted to go.

I take accountability for planning something like this a little more than a week in advance. But I am sort of feeling let down by people. But then I realize that I don't know what other people are going through.