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Author Topic:   Venting Thread: Family/Friends Edition
@lycat74
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posted July 18, 2016 09:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for @lycat74     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey I started this thread, because I am new and kinda upset now and just want to vent a little.

I am not sure if I am even allowed to create another venting thread but I wanted to create one specifically on Family/Friends and the pet peeves that they do that makes you want to vent.

I also wanted a new thread so it can be new, refreshing for others (since the other Venting thread started in 2013) and I am kinda lost in that one.

The topic is dismissive/defensive family members

I will start. Right now I am upset because I had a fight with my mum over something stupid. I was crying and she got defensive and thought it was about/because of her. I told her it wasn't and instead of assuming it was about her to just ask me. Ask me why I am upset? Why I am crying? She didn't do that and continued to get "offended" because I was crying. Anyway I got upset/frustrated, yelled at her, and now I am still upset and she's like whatever.

The upsetting part is that she's so dismissive and never asked me why I am upset. I wanted her too and I opened that door. Even so, she just let me cry and act like nothing is going. Random but is this a Venus in Aquarius trait? Even when I am done crying (it was brief) and things have cooled down, she still acts like she doesn't care. It hurts because I want to talk, talk it out, but never get a chance. My mom has already moved on. Whatever the case I feel that she never cares about my feelings .....

SMH don't know if I am making sense.

Anyway astrologically I am more watery than her. She only has 1 water planet and I have 3. Our charts have nothing but squares, sextiles and I think 1 trine/idk.

Like how do you deal with family members that are dismissive of your feelings/emotions?

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DopGang
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Posts: 3194
From: MBTI - INTJ -- Enneagram - 5w6
Registered: Jun 2015

posted July 19, 2016 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DopGang     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm highly mercurial.

To me, as I get older I am continually learning to pick my battles. There's sort or a weight system you might say. Internal questions are asked:

If there is no resolution, what is the total impact?
In the end, does this affect anyone's life?
What is the ratio of value of resolution to effort needed to get there?

Based on those, I may not engage. Regardless of the other person's feelings. I admit, this is a dismissive approach. Sometimes it's really difficult for me to engage in that for feelings sake. Can't we just move on? To others, feelings ARE THE problem.

Everyone is different of course and I know neither you or your mom, your relationship, etc.
Perhaps you could calmly, rationally approach your mother and tell her that it's important for you to talk about your feelings, to be listened to, to clear things up. It may or may not work but it's something to try.

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@lycat74
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posted July 22, 2016 08:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for @lycat74     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by DopGang:
I'm highly mercurial.

To me, as I get older I am continually learning to pick my battles. There's sort or a weight system you might say. Internal questions are asked:

If there is no resolution, what is the total impact?
In the end, does this affect anyone's life?
What is the ratio of value of resolution to effort needed to get there?

Based on those, I may not engage. Regardless of the other person's feelings. I admit, this is a dismissive approach. Sometimes it's really difficult for me to engage in that for feelings sake. Can't we just move on? To others, feelings ARE THE problem.

Everyone is different of course and I know neither you or your mom, your relationship, etc.
Perhaps you could calmly, rationally approach your mother and tell her that it's important for you to talk about your feelings, to be listened to, to clear things up. It may or may not work but it's something to try.


@DopGang: Thank You!!!!

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DopGang
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Posts: 3194
From: MBTI - INTJ -- Enneagram - 5w6
Registered: Jun 2015

posted July 22, 2016 08:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DopGang     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sure! You're welcome.
Hopefully it works out.

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Randall
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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
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posted July 25, 2016 09:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ah, family...

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Randall
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posted July 26, 2016 05:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
They can be both a blessing and a curse.

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Randall
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posted September 02, 2016 08:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Often at the same time.

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Electro DGX
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Posts: 1941
From: Plutanus
Registered: Jul 2015

posted September 02, 2016 09:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Electro DGX     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
---

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mirage29
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Posts: 8450
From: us
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posted September 02, 2016 10:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Electro... You'll be 18 years old in 5 or 6 more months, correct?

I've known teens who have friends, whose parents allow them to move in with them while finishing high school, to help with troubles with abusive parent situations in the child's home.

By the time spring rolls around, you're a free bird.

Do you have plans on how you're going to support yourself? ...Any thoughts about jobs, and some music-gigs? lined up yet?

Thinking about what plans you'll need to be making 'right now' so you'll be out in the very near future, might help you redirect your focus away from that parent, and positively focused on yourself.

Break towards your independence... You're an Aquarian Sun... You could move out the day you turn 18, or even before that if your friend's parents can house you for the next few months?

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Randall
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posted September 24, 2016 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Randall
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posted January 02, 2017 07:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Holidays = Family Drama

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted January 02, 2017 08:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Calmly explaining your needs sometimes works. It could be your mum comes from a family where that is considered the best thing to do, but her feeling as if she was guilty for it and being all defensive makes me think this is not the case, but rather it's her own insecurities at work, which in this case means trying to talk to her about it will likely aggravate it. She'll hear "you're a terrible mum" and thus become angry and deny (ironically becoming at the moment what she doesn't want to think of herself as) and find a way to blame you for it.

A guy I know had been sexually molested by someone outside the home, and when it came out that this abuser was molesting many boys and they realized he may have been one (though by now he was an adult) he admitted it did happen (though he got away before it got too bad). His mother angrily demanded why he never told her. He said he was trying but she and Dad were always fighting. He thought they might stop yelling when they went out to eat, but the fighting was just quieter, so he put a candle in between them and lit it trying (in his childlike way) to make it more romantic, which got him punished, and he just shut down because he didn't feel safe.

After he explained that very calmly (he'd gotten over it by then), he saw his mother remember that odd thing he did with the candle and then had a meltdown of anger that he was used to, being super defensive, and even declaring that he was never abused in the first place. The mum needed to believe that to avoid feeling terrible herself. (Of course, that child molester specifically chose boys like him because of how terrible their families were, thus making his capture unlikely, and he might even seduce boys starved for affection. Maybe his mum realized that as well on some level, which is why her unhealthy psychological defense mechanisms kicked into overdrive.)

It's not just mums. I heard of a husband who couldn't go to the hospital when sick because his wife was a nurse who felt she'd be judged if she couldn't keep her own husband healthy and take care of him herself when he was sick. I personally recall a guy offhand who had a meltdown when I put ketchup on the fries he made as he felt I was saying his fries were disgusting.

(Btw, I recently saw a documentary on psychology in marketing and politics. There was a time that Betty Crocker was not selling well despite market research showing there was a need for faster ways to make good food, and it was determined because too many women felt guilty "taking the easy way" so that Betty Crocker made it so you had to add an egg, as psychologists determined this would appeal to her subconscious image as like a fertile mother for her husband, and then Betty Crocker sales when through the roof. The easiest way to deal with irrational people is not by being rational, but by manipulating their irrational feelings, as the people who owned Betty Crocker products did to all the women feeling irrationally guilty for buying Betty Crocker.)

In cases like this, I think about all you can do is understand they have a terrible weakness, and it's not just them being emotionally lazy and selfish, but just how they fight terrible feelings of insecurities that plague them at all times. And in such an understanding, don't expect too much from them (and when talking to them then keep it mind) and try not to let yourself get into the same place they are emotionally speaking, because you can see how they hurt others they care about when they themselves don't want to do that (they just want to stop hurting themselves)...and because those people are miserable all the time anyway, probably even moments of happiness haunted by knowing the feelings they try to escape from (and were likely inflicted upon them by previous generations and the institutions they went to) will overwhelm them again soon enough.

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Selenite
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From: Lyra
Registered: Aug 2013

posted January 04, 2017 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Selenite     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lmao, Pixie, those last 2 paragraphs

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Randall
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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
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posted January 15, 2017 01:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well-said.

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Randall
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posted May 11, 2017 11:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Randall
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posted May 27, 2017 06:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Selenite:
Lmao, Pixie, those last 2 paragraphs

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MoonMystic
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From: ♤ Ethereal Umbra ♤
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posted June 24, 2017 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonMystic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My mother. Ugh.

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MoonMystic
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posted June 24, 2017 08:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonMystic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
They can be both a blessing and a curse.

agree, yes!!

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Randall
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posted June 25, 2017 12:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
At the same time!

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Randall
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posted June 28, 2017 05:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ugh. My little brother insists on making huge mistakes instead of listening to me.

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Stawr
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posted July 29, 2017 03:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stawr     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
One of my friends is always on FB live. It's something I don't participate in myself.

She likes it do it when we go out. Sometimes I don't even know I'm being recorded. Let's just say after last night she will give me a heads up! I was making fun of someone...and they were watching!!!

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Randall
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posted July 30, 2017 07:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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Randall
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posted July 31, 2017 05:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's a violation of privacy.

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Randall
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posted August 01, 2017 03:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Photos are your intellectual property.

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ariesdragon
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From: Jupiter
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posted October 05, 2017 10:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
That's a violation of privacy.


I agree

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