posted September 25, 2007 12:04 AM         

Say what you mean but don't say it mean.

posted September 25, 2007 01:02 AM         

Or are you just giving Silverstone and Lotus public kudos for a job well done? You could have done that in private email to them. Putting it out in public like this does guarantee another dispute on this thread though. Is that your intention here?

I saved Silverstone's post to show Randall if the need arise. Randall can determine if it was a personal attack or not from reading his words.

posted September 25, 2007 01:09 AM         

If you are going to accuse me, you better prove it, and prove I wasn't attacked first..in all instances, or was I looking out for for a fellow knowflake!

posted September 25, 2007 01:13 AM         

Thing is, I recognize them as real, and they do affect me. BUT they don't control me.

To illustrate: shortly after the Columbine massacre, the resulting hysteria was about to send me to a place where I'd been severely tormented and traumatized before. I briefly thought of suicide, I briefly thought of doing what they were afraid of and killing a few teachers (I wasn't as scared of adult prison as I was of the place they were trying to send me to, btw, something that made that option attractive to me), and I briefly thought of just letting them do with me whatever they wanted and hoping for the best.

I quickly dismissed all these options. Instead, I thought outside the box. I created an alias for myself, turning my middle name into my first and adapting it (from Jane to Janet), cut my hair short, dyed it, and left. Almost no one knew what I looked like then. I was determined to get to California so that it would be even more unlikely I could be identified. If I were locked up in juvie, so be it, it would still be better than where I was looking at going (and if it wasn't, I could always come clean).

I got a ride to a truck stop who stayed with me until I got a ride. I feared I'd have to turn a trick to get that ride, but the place I was looking at going to, it was definitely worth it if it got me out of Texas. As it was, I lucked out, and I got a guy who had a daughter a little older than me who was distressed about some of the choices his daughter had been making and wanted to talk to me in hopes of getting insights into why she was doing what she was doing.

Shortly before he got home, he dropped me off at another stop in New Mexico, close to the Arizona and Colorado border. I was freaked when a guy shouted, "Jane!" at me, as some did call me that, so I thought I'd somehow been recognized. As it was, I looked like Jane Lane, a cartoon character. Talking to him, I found he was a Dead Head with others like himself who were going back to California after attending a concert somewhere. I asked if they'd give me a ride and they did.

They landed somewhere far more north than where I intended, but that was ok. I started house hopping and the residents (including parents when lived with) were often so stoned that I found it easy to do so (and easy to manage them, ie, I didn't have to do things sexually that I didn't want to do). It was an interesting experience.

But I was stoned so much that it affected my judgment and I trusted the wrong person at a party and the next house I hopped to as a result turned out to be my prison and torture chamber. I thought I was going to die, and though this was in 99, I still have a scar on my neck from where I was slashed while bound, my blood drunk. I think the only reason I survived was that I never gave up (as I was tempted to do) and repeated a poem, An Awful Tempest Mashed the Air by Emily Dickinson, and never gave up, constantly working on escaping. And I did.

At this point, I was very weak and traumatized. I was too scared to go to a hospital for fear that I'd be reported to the police and the police might find out who I was and send me back (yes, the place the school wanted to have me locked up in was THAT bad--I'd LITERALLY rather die than be put there again). My goal was to get to Oregon by nightfall, just to feel safer from being captured again.

Didn't make it. Came close though. But my ride that I thumbed ended in a civilized area with patrolling cops and I didn't want to be picked up (as night was falling), so I went to the beach hoping for a beach party where I could find a place to crash and/or a ride into Oregon. As it was, I finally caught a break. A guy who helped runaways in the past came up to me (though he was scraggly with long hair and scars, and big muscles, and I grabbed my knife prepared to pull it and stab him if he got too close to me--he told me later that he somehow sensed not to get too close, too), and got me with his Aunt who changed my life.

Thus began a new chapter. But even so, she didn't magically change my life. What she did was give me the opportunity to change my life. I had to earn my room and board with chores and errands, and I didn't get an allowance, I had to work for that separately (ie, work for someone else--got a job doing Mehndi in a new age shop, btw, my first official job). I had to get my own education, though she made that possible. She's a Dianic Wiccan priestess and astrologer (her place was where I first read Linda Goodman), btw, well versed in the occult (her nephew that found me on the beach is also well versed, though he's not Wiccan), and she (and others in her coven, plus her nephew) taught me how to shape my own reality psychically, as well as self-defense (from guns to martial arts to simple awareness tips to occult means of protection).

In all this, I had people who harmed me, and I had people who helped me. But what was the deciding factor in it all? Me. When evil came to me, I didn't give up, I fought against it. I suffered, but I came out on top, my mettle tempered for the experience. When people gave me the opportunity to better myself, I took it, I didn't just insist they do it for me.

Is it my fault that I was harmed? Overall, I'd say no. Surely there are things in hindsight I could've done differently, but it doesn't mean that therefore when I was tortured it was all my fault or that I called such adversity into my life. Such people made their own choice to harm me, but I refused to give them power over me. Sure, they had their own power which they tried to exert over me, but I didn't give up and I found the power within me to exercise my own will to power over my own life.

Likewise, those who helped me chose of their own will to help me. In this case, I accepted it and did what I had to do to continue helping myself.

I guess the short and sweet way to sum it up is that OTHER people chose to harm me, OTHERS chose to help me, and they had their own personal power to inflict that harm or help on me, but I ultimately designed my own fate. I don't control how others act or react, but I do control how I act and react.

I don't thank those who harmed me, though I believe I was ultimately made stronger, I do thank those who helped me, but ultimately, my life is my own to forge. The will of others, both malicious and benevolent, is like the vagaries of the weather and biology. I enjoy the good, I deal with the bad, and I make my own life. My power to affect others is limited, but so to is their power to affect me.

posted September 25, 2007 01:36 AM         

quote:

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Mirandee
Moderator
Posts: 3675
From: South of the Thumb Taurus, Pisces, Cancer
Registered: Sep 2004
posted September 25, 2007 01:02 AM
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Are you trying to suggest that I had no reason for deleting Silverstone's post to Star, Fayte?
Or are you just giving Silverstone and Lotus public kudos for a job well done? You could have done that in private email to them. Putting it out in public like this does guarantee another dispute on this thread though. Is that your intention here?

I saved Silverstone's post to show Randall if the need arise. Randall can determine if it was a personal attack or not from reading his words.

I think that Randall can also see from other threads that you, Lotus and Silverstone have been the attacking trio as of late around the boards of LL. Hard to tell sometimes who is stalking who.

---

Excuse me, Mirandee,

I have a lot of respect for you but don't come in here pretending you're innocent. May I remind you how brutally you attacked Faye telling her how you really felt about her and then that thread was deleted. And this was coming from you a moderator I don't know if you are still upset for what I wrote to you that day, I told you that it was low and what you truly thought of her you should've wrote it to her in e-mail and not publicly!

I am not upset for you editing or deleting my post. Solane has been attacking Faye and looking for opportunities to attack her and it's getting old. You, on the other hand, instead of telling Solane something you have been supporting her BS.
I am not mad, I understand she's having surgery, did you go back to read my post you edited? And I will not e-mail Randall about it, I am not a drama queen.

Quote:
"Randall can determine if it was a personal attack or not from reading his words. ..."
Ironically, you are the one who constantly insults others and judges with your long novels.... and then you delete the threads or posts in which you have been guilty yourself, since you have that permission.

Quote:
"I think that Randall can also see from other threads that you, Lotus and Silverstone have been the attacking trio as of late around the boards of LL. Hard to tell sometimes who is stalking who."

Only AG for his stupid, fake, Happy Birthday to Jwhop, SattvicMoon for not seeing through it and posting how it does make him feel better to post more than 20 pictures of himself here in FFA, and Solane for having no life and continuing to stalk Faye. And you only once for being cruel in telling Faye what you really thought of her in a public forum, instead of e-mailing her in private, which is what a true friend would've done.

posted September 25, 2007 02:36 AM         

quote:

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Hard to tell sometimes who is stalking who.

---

Indeed.

posted September 25, 2007 02:43 AM         

You accuse others and asuume so much and say that we sweep it all under the rug. Well, what do you have? We can't do it in pirvate so, come-on.

So let your truth be known about me and then forever hold your peace.

Oh by the way, Fayte never told you that I can't do this in pirvate e-mail and only here. Not one of my options anyways, would rather just put it all out on the table.

Others don't need to stalk you Fayte, she has stayed away from you and me both, little you really know and has stayed away from here just to let you be in control, but your still not happy with that. I think she is to be honored for backing out of here and not dealing with your likes anymore. I could always ask her though if she would like to come back and we could talk about it and let everyone get both sides of story with all parties involved. You what to talk and hear some truths around here. I think thats what I'll do is e-mail her. She don't need to stalk you, she'll come back for this I'm sure and then we'll see who's afraid of there past, the past thats still following you around in your mind. It's called paranoid. I do have a life and wouldn't brother wasting my time stalking you, I have better things to do, then play your silly games. You may think I'm one of the people from your past, but you so got it all wrong lady.

So lets have it Fayte.

posted September 25, 2007 02:48 AM         

I said you attacked him. Which you did and you provided the link here.

posted September 25, 2007 02:52 AM         

quote:

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Solane Star
Knowflake
Posts: 3759
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
posted September 25, 2007 02:43 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell your whole truth about me Fayte, you don't scare me. Bring on your proof honey.
You accuse others and asuume so much and say that we sweep it all under the rug. Well, what do you have? We can't do it in pirvate so, come-on.

So let your truth be known about me and then forever hold your peace.

Oh by the way, Fayte never told you that I can't do this in pirvate e-mail and only here. Not one of my options anyways, would rather just put it all out on the table.

Others don't need to stalk you Fayte, she has stayed away from you and me both, little you really know and has stayed away from here just to let you be in control, but your still not happy with that. I think she is to be honored for backing out of here and not dealing with your likes anymore. I could always ask her though if she would like to come back and we could talk about it and let everyone get both sides of story with all parties involved. You what to talk and hear some truths around here. I think thats what I'll do is e-mail her. She don't need to stalk you, she'll come back for this I'm sure and then we'll see who's afraid of there past, the past thats still following you around in your mind. It's called paranoid. I do have a life and wouldn't brother wasting my time stalking you, I have better things to do, then play your silly games. You may think I'm one of the people from your past, but you so got it all wrong lady.

So lets have it Fayte.

---

posted September 25, 2007 03:02 AM         

You don't know both sides of the story. Keep that in mind. What you presented here is not true. I did not attack Fayte on that thread. I was directly honest her and told her that she has a behavior pattern. She does whether she is conscious of it or not. She was using that behavior pattern on me on that thread and I had no idea why. Fayte says she likes direct honesty.

The thread was deleted by Zala with both mine and Fayte's consent. I felt that we could work out whatever problems we had in private. I tried. Now it is in the past and is mute because I made my decision based on what I felt was best for my well being.

I have stated that I do not wish to have private matters discussed on a public forum. I stated that with the feelings of other members of LL in mind and also there are other parties who do not wish to be made a public spectacle of involved in this matter as well. I am being considerate of the feelings of others in not wishing to discuss this matter. So please respect that personal boundary that I have set.

It's a done deal. It's in past and everyone needs to let go, stop living in the past and move on with their lives.

It is worked out between Fayte and myself because I made my choice. Now I expect that choice to be respected by Fayte and her friends.

I cannot make it any clearer than that. If you don't respect the personal boundaries and space of others you do not respect others at all.

posted September 25, 2007 03:11 AM         

quote:

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The thread was deleted by Zala with both mine and Fayte's consent. I felt that we could work out whatever problems we had in private.

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I understand, Mirandee, but at first you didn't do it in private; that's what I was saying and that's why the thread was closed, because what you said to her could've been done in private

quote:

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I did not attack Fayte on that thread.

---

quote:

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I have stated that I do not wish to have private matters discussed on a public forum.

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Good night

posted September 25, 2007 03:19 AM         

Maybe it's best to just let this all go and move on

posted September 25, 2007 03:38 AM         

What is this? Grade school? A few of you act younger than my grand kids.

I am growing weary from all the drama. Also very impatient with it.

Silverstone,

You stick to your story. It does serve you well in your little dramas. I don't have to defend myself to you or anyone else. Be happy that I at least attempted to do so.

Anymore of this nitpicking, bickering and assumptions and unfounded accusations and the thread is going to be closed.

Thank you Dervish for ignoring all this dramatic crap and for presenting a very good post sticking to the topic.

When I volunteered to be moderator at FFA I stated that I would attempt to stop the name calling and personal attacks on people here and I meant it. I still mean it.

Take the drama to the playground where it belongs.

posted September 25, 2007 03:44 AM         

quote:

---

I still respect you, Mirandee, I just want you to know that; we all make mistakes.
Maybe it's best to just let this all go and move on

---

Yes it is best to let this all go and move on, Silverstone

But if you truly respected me you would get both sides of the story before making unfounded accusations and you would respect my personal space and my personal boundaries.

Please edit out the "Solame" in your post, Silverstone. Unless you want me to edit it for you. Once again you are resorting to name calling.

posted September 25, 2007 06:55 AM         

I have started this Twin Flame/ Twin S-elf obsession thing again, and I'm not sure it's doing me any good.

I even bought a 'soul mate' crystal and placed it in a room as instructed in 'The Crystal Bible', to attract a soul mate (preferably Twin Flame- so tired of other 'karmic' relationships).

Then I started feeling overwhelmed by these negative thoughts about myself this morning.

Everything just seems so pointless all of a sudden...