posted August 25, 2008 10:03 PM            

Whether or not you had my post in mind, I think it's condescending and arrogant to label people who claim to have gotten over abuse as being in denial. You don't know their hearts and minds better than they do.

Healing from sexual abuse is a process. Some never begin it. Some are living the process. And yes, I do believe that some have healed.

We may disagree on the criteria for "getting over it," over what being healed entails. To me, "getting over it" is when you reach the point when you're able to love and receive love.

I have reached that point. I can look back on my life and see the progress I've made. I know how much courage and faith it took to get to this point. I'm moved by the people close to me who have helped me on this journey, and I'm proud of myself for pushing myself to grow so that I can enjoy a loving life.

posted August 25, 2008 10:21 PM            

My thought of "getting over it" is keeping it locked in the closet and refusing to accept that it is a part of you and you're life.

My thought of "getting over it" is what i said- Denial; a rotten lie.

So when you say that i'm arrogant and selfish for assuming that i know other's hearts better than they do, you are mistaken. I don't know you. Or your experience. This is my opinion, and we're talking about different things anyways.

Giving and receiving love is wonderful. And if you, or anyone, can find something like that than i wish you the best. What my point was different than yours. So please, understand that we both were going off of inaccurate assumptions.

posted August 26, 2008 05:41 AM            

I'm shaking my head in anger. Children are so godly. Why would someone desire to spoil such beauty? Or it is the coveting of this beauty that makes the weary amongst us desire to consume this godliness because they lack to see the God within themselves?

posted August 26, 2008 11:45 AM            

Thank you. Very much. *shakes your hand*

Crimson,

posted August 26, 2008 02:36 PM            

(((Unmoved)))

posted August 26, 2008 04:07 PM            

U ho...

posted August 26, 2008 04:26 PM              

I'm sorry to bring u down. I just think it's good to share experiences. That's why they have group therapy for these issues.

posted August 27, 2008 06:01 AM            

For example, October is coming up and every single year I have horrible nightmares as that's when so many bad things happened to me. It started after an attack against me, one that scarred me even though I got away from him; the next October I had nightmares and lack of sleep which got me in trouble at school that got me locked up in an abusive facility (where I was sexually assaulted by an adult and then tortured in worse ways afterwards) by an unethical counselor that got bounties for every kid he got sent (he'd get fired for that eventually after the insurance companies billed by the place that paid bounties for kids investigated and exposed him, but too late to do me any good); years later as a runaway on the streets, the sleeplessness caused by the nightmares messed up my judgment and I was imprisoned & brutalized by someone I was stupid enough to trust and probably would've been killed had I not managed to escape after a couple of days--and all this & more comes back to me every October in nightmares that are sometimes so bad that I wake up in sweat and panic that makes me turn on all the lights while making sure all the windows & doors are locked, and I've even screamed at seeing my own reflection during such times.

Talking about the specifics of certain abuse can make me shake, evoke incredible rage and tears, and the like.

And there are lesser things. So yeah, the abuse I endured does play a role in my life.

But I say I'm over it because I do manage to live my own life and I seem happier than most other people I see, including those who have led far more sheltered lives free of abuse and with a lot more money than me. There are multiple reasons why I think this is so, but I believe a very large part is because I got myself out the bad situations I was in:

At 5, shortly after being taken from the stable home I was in by my mom & dad that were moving (and I'm certain that it wasn't because I was wanted but rather because they wanted to hurt Granny by taking me), the world had become an unfriendly place to me, especially at home. One time in particular when both 'rents were sleeping late (in retrospect I can say they were hungover) and I was hungry, I tried waking Mom to feed me and she told me to get Dad, and he slapped me so hard that I came off my feet and landed by the wall. THEN he was angry because I was crying and asked something like, "Why are you so whiny?" (Probably just as well I didn't think to answer, "Because I just turned 5, you [jerk]; if you don't want to take care of me, send me back to Granny!")

So later I again found myself one sunny morning VERY hungry and the 'rents asleep and I was too scared to wake them up. I waited outside their room for awhile before going to the kitchen. Eventually I'd move a chair over to where the cereal cabinet was above, get on and realize I still couldn't reach it and go get a wooden spoon and spatula that allowed me to not only open it, but slowly pry out a box of Cheerios. After that, everything else was cakewalk. And as I ate my cheerios, a feeling overcame me of, "I DID IT MYSELF!" I always wanted to do everything for myself then, and I'd had my first lesson that no matter how bad the world was, I could take care of myself.

Later, during my 'rents violent divorce, I was screwed by the courts. Very long story short, I was forced to live with Mom against my will, as she needed me to get the child support (which she spent mostly on things like cigarettes and peach brandy). When I was a runaway she didn't report me missing for fear of losing her child support (and Dad didn't find out until I told him when I was almost 22). When the schools were about to place me back in that abusive facility again (mentioned above in the long paragraph about my October nightmares), I finally got proactive and made my way (again as a runaway) from Texas to California. It was rough (this was when I'd later get imprisoned by a psycho & brutalized, also mentioned in the October paragraph), I eventually found a new life with good people that I think made my life better than it ever could've been had I stayed at home, or even with Granny.

Btw, the one who got me off the streets was childless, and said that if she DID have a child, she'd hope that she was like me. I've since wondered if since she didn't have any children if what happened to me was necessary for me to become her child (in a manner of speaking). I send her Mother's Day cards now.

While staying with her, I met a very old woman that had survived (& escaped) the horror of Stalin's' Russia. The horrors she faced as a child dwarfed anything I'd ever heard of. Yet she was also one of the most compassionate people I've ever met, and despite how little I suffered compared to her (even when she'd been but half my age), she was extremely kind and compassionate to me. I made a decision that I, too, would be like her in that I wouldn't let bitterness take me over and I'd not only survive & be happy (without being naive) as she was, but I'd help others to do the same similar to how she helped me. And I believe I have.

posted August 27, 2008 10:13 AM              

Meta4 (love the name btw)
I know that for the most part it's good for people to learn of other's experiences. It's therapy on both ends. But I've been accused once of trying to make others feel sorry for me and that is sooo not it. I really do look at sharing my experiences as therapy. It's good for me to get it out and it's good for others to see just how bad it is out there. We came to this thread for one reason or another.

So.... the healing continues, right?

posted August 27, 2008 07:47 PM            

quote:

---

I see so many others that are trapped in jobs they hate, dulling their pain as best they can, often on drugs (legal & otherwise, including psyche meds), miserable and not understanding why as they do everything they're supposed to do. I, OTOH, am happy about who I am, about what I plan to do, don't live in fear & shame, love being alive, and realize that while life may become very, very bad again someday, that I have the know how and means to overcome it, just as I've done before. And that's why I say I'm over it, despite the scars like the "October nightmares."

---

You're extraordinary.

I can relate to you regarding the freedom you feel. I think if someone's reached a point in life when they had to make a conscious decision to keep going, to live through life's worst and savor its best, it's easier to seek and commit to what's essential for living a joyous life and to discard distractions. "Normal" fears aren't nearly so inhibiting.

posted August 27, 2008 09:43 PM            

Spank me.

Biatch.

posted August 28, 2008 11:46 AM              

quote:

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So to answer your question (finally ), a way someone can move past abuse and be able to open up to people again is by moving through the abuse to who they really are. Think of how you would like to be in the world and BE THAT. Because that's who you really are and no matter what someone else does to you they can't kill that. A lesson provided by an abuser taught you how the world is and you learned to become someone else because of that pain. But just as you learned to become that version of yourself, you can also learn to become a more liberated, more true version of yourself. The healing process may be almost as painful as the initial abuse, but it's worth it.

---

Jane,

Your entire post was poignant and powerful, but this part is just so guiding.