posted August 18, 2008 11:32 PM            

That's not to say all from this background are like this, just many seem to be. Some overcome past abuse to live what would be a normal life for them.

I know someone who is asexual, and came from a background of very bad sexual abuse. She has since had sex, but not enjoyed it.

posted August 19, 2008 02:57 AM            

I point it out, but don't endorse it. While overall it LOOKS good, I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea that one MUST desire sex or one is unhealthy.

posted August 19, 2008 05:10 AM            

wow - i am totally floored by your honesty and generousity in the way you have answered this question. thank you so much.

posted August 19, 2008 05:49 AM            

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it is logical that a sexually abused person would use sex as a weapon, when they are older.

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i know this isn't where you were going with this. but it makes me think of how many abused children end up becoming abusers themselves. instead of sparing others the pain - they inflict it. that's so heartbreaking.

posted August 19, 2008 10:03 AM            

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they use sex as a controlling mechanism towards people

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posted August 19, 2008 10:13 AM            

thanks for your post. i find a lot of value in what you've said - like - it makes sense to me from my perspective. i can see what you've said about "cynically manipulative" in my friend. she has terrible control issues - not even with just her husband but with her friends. and i can see the patterns that she repeats. but i think we all do that - until we learn them and move beyond them - no matter what they may be. but those control issues keep the wall between them and the rest of the world -even if they don't want it there. that said - that issue is not only with people who have been abused that way. i've seen children of alcoholics and addicts have that as well, and from violent upbringings too. but it could come from anything.

interesting what you say about the asexual. i really get that. i guess in my mind, just imaging it i would feel that way. that's how i feel in myself i would be if it was me. it's odd to think about sexless couples though - even though it does exist. there is so much emphasis in our society on sex and sex appeal - but there are people who are not interested, for whatever reason.

posted August 19, 2008 08:16 PM            

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i know this isn't where you were going with this. but it makes me think of how many abused children end up becoming abusers themselves. instead of sparing others the pain - they inflict it.

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posted August 19, 2008 10:05 PM              

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how do you open up to people, especially physically and sexually? i can't even imagine the enormity of that.

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It's not impossible. And how does one explain how one does that anyway? Does having been sexually abused make one automatically a freak of nature that can't open up to anyone physically or sexually ever? Or has to play power games in the bedroom? I can have my ex's answer that for you.

posted August 19, 2008 10:46 PM            

I was abused as a child and although in the past I probably picked poorly when it came to partners - I think that the rest of my upbringing probably attributed to that as much as the abuse.

Now, at 36, I *love* being sexually intimate with my partner. LOVE it. It's awesome. It's phenomenal. I'd do it 3 times a day if possible (and have on occasion). I think it's extremely healthy and completely and utterly FANTASTIC.

That's why I asked what "highly sexed" means. Isn't that mostly perspective? Unless, of course, it was seriously detrimental to her life so that she couldn't hold a job or function as a fruitful member of society.

posted August 19, 2008 11:34 PM            

However, I did know an artistic guy who just did not have sexual feelings at all. He was treated even more freakish than asexual women. And even guys who live fairly ascetic lifestyles are viewed with suspicion, apparently even members of religious orders. I was told by one guy that they're judged by whether or not they have children, too (which surprised me).

posted August 20, 2008 02:19 AM            

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my friend doesn't like to talk about it - which is totally respected and understood but somehow - and i really hate this - at times uses it as a weopon against people when they upset her. there's nowhere you can go or nothing to say after that comes out. just zero. i really really feel for her. odd though, there are times when i just swear that she resents other people who were not abused. it's really strange. i've had another friend make that observation too. sad, every which way you look at it.

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That's because it's something that she has to constantly live with. Every second of every minute of every day she is a rape victim. She has been stained. Eternally. You don't know what that's like. To feel dirty even though you're skin is clean. To feel like a chunk of yourself has been stolen from you without your ******* permission. She does resent people who haven't gone through what she has, because no one will ever understand what life is like for her. You can have compassion and empathize, but you don't really understand. You wouldn't want to understand. If you had the opportunity to do so, if you had the chance to get a glimpse of what an individual feels before, during, and after you wouldn't take it. And if you wanted to to take it you're completely obscene.

People who have been abused offer comfort to fellow victims. At least in most cases. Why? Because they provide an unspoken acceptance between one another. Those who have never tasted such a sin can only imagine. But in truth, take what you imagine and square it to the 5485183752347509th power, and that's what it's like. All. The. Time.

I'm not saying that it's all they think about day and night, or that everyone is depressed... but it is now apart of who they are. Half. When someone violates you, and in such an intimate way... you're controlled by that person for the rest of your life. For example, if you take a dog's ball from him, you now have complete control over him. You have taken something precious away, and he doesn't understand what the reasoning behind your thievery is. Maybe you were getting annoyed and decided to put it on top of the counter for a while. Say you even give it back to him a few hours later. The next time you go to take the ball away, he won't let go of it. He might even growl. He remembers what happened last time that he didn't protect himself, and his ball, and he doesn't want that to happen again. He'll fight you for it. He'll warn you that if you touch his toy, he'll bite.

posted August 20, 2008 03:25 AM            

i knew this was a really sensitive subject when i asked the question. and did think that it could bring up some sensitivites and have done my best to give my comments in a compassionate way. and i am deeply grateful for the replies and insights that have been given.

there is nowhere in here that i can see where i have been quick to generalise or jump to conclusions. and in no way have suggested that everyone does the same. and, i do have the right to imagine - and to want to understand and to ask. just as everyone has the right to answer or to not. i have expressed perceptions from my own place of understanding. and i have asked this question purely for the purpose of understanding. in my own thinking i consider sexual abuse to be one of the hardest things that a human being could experience and as with anything when i hear about it, i wonder how i would feel, if it were me, and what i would do, etc. and in myself, i can't imagine that i would want to be sexually active. so i ask the question - because in my own thinking - i can't get past that. and that's really what i wanted to understand - how you get beyond it. or, if people do.

i'm really sorry if you have been offended by something in here. but i won't apologise for my not knowing and for my asking and wanting to understand. and i won't apologise for my perceptions because i made it clear from the beginning that i was asking with the intention of learning and understanding. i know that we all perceive differently but any other interpretation is not from my intention. and i don't wish to have any misunderstandings with you - at all, actually.

the freak of nature comments - i don't even know what to say to you because in no way have i alluded to anything like that or even think along those lines - so that's not mine and, well, just nothing - no comment.

thanks for your comments.

moonwitch

thanks for your reply and, again, the total honesty and openness just floors me because i really don't know if i could be the same. so i respect it and admire it. i've had far less things happen to me and i find it hard to be open about them, so for me, this, which i really consider to such a huge thing to experience, i'm in awe of the openness and truly grateful for all the replies.

i do think it's detrimental to her functioning in day-to-day life. from my perspective. i suppose my interpretation of highly sexed is (and i've never analysed it before) - 1. how much people do it -and 2. if it interferes in any other part of day-to-day functioning - and 3 - how it's used. i can only look at my own experiences and statistics to go by but i suppose three three times a day when possible is a very high number - compared to the national stats - as accurate as they are anyway. as for that number - well, personally i think that's really lovely.

the question about it being a man or woman being highly sexed is totally irrelevant to me so i have no comment on that. i don't see what difference it makes - men and women are equal in my eyes. but yes, in my perception - from what i have seen and experienced - there is an imbalance in the perception of men and women in our society - pertaining particularly to career (that men are successful and women are b1tches if they do well) and in how many sexual partners or experiences they have (that men are studs and women are s1uts if the number is judged or perceived to be high) . so by that i would say that dervish is most likely right and that i agree with those comments because i can see them.

zala

you know what i think of you and how i see you. and to be your friend and knowing what a beautiful person and soul you are - and to feel for you - makes me feel really sad that you experienced that and that someone thought you deserved that. NO-ONE deserves any of these things and i find it enormously sad and also difficult to understand. for some reason i have this need to understand. my father hit my mother but he never hit me - actually only once - he chased me with a belt and didn't i get it - at least i was smart enough to dive under the covers of the bed so it didn't hurt as much. i still don't understand this - but one night when he had her cornered and raised his arm to slap her, i stepped in under his arm and stood in front of her taking the blow. i don't know why - but he never did it again. ironically - it was my mother that used to hit me with the frying pan and iron and broom and whatever was at hand. most nights though - my father would be passed out at the table with his face in his food or have fallen to the floor so he was oblivious to any of that. i don't understand the psychology behind the difference between hurting one person to another - especially people you love or are supposed to love. that's the highest breach of trust as far as i'm concerned.

posted August 20, 2008 03:40 AM            

that's an astonishing reply. every word you said resonated with me that that's how i imagine i would feel. and i really don't know what to say to you other that what i have said to everyone else. you know what i think of you personally and i really appreciate every word you've said here - the understanding, feeling and perception here. thank you.

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You can have compassion and empathize, but you don't really understand.

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posted August 20, 2008 06:01 AM            

i totally understand and appreciate that. thank you.

posted August 20, 2008 07:35 AM            

wow - another amazing reply. i just can't say a big enough thank you for such an open answer and the amount of heart and honesty in it. i really didn't expect people to be so open about themselves - quite honesty, i think i expected a general discussion about it - if any comments at all - but nothing of this immensity and calibre. i just think you are all amazing. and i know i'm speaking from my perspective of wanting to understand. but unmoved was right that it serves a far greater purpose if it helps someone who has experienced it to heal or in some way.

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My heart goes out to the way too many people who have been sexually abused

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posted August 20, 2008 11:15 AM            

Thank you. I hope i didn't come off harsh to you.

I don't think that you've stepped on anyone's toes by asking the question, but such a topic evokes different emotions from different people. And i know you know that, but i just don't want you to feel like you've done something wrong here by asking. You had good reason to, and it was out of innocent curiosity. Your intention wasn't to provoke victims or point your finger. I respect you for wanting to understand your friend better.