posted February 17, 2006 01:33 AM              

You are Scorpio Sun. what about moon and merc. Just wondering how did you capture so well.

I think your thread need a *bump*

posted February 17, 2006 08:18 AM              

And for the rest of you all...Here's Virgo:

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE AT MAGNOLIA BAKERY IN THE WEST VILLAGE INDULGING ON DELICIOUS CUPCAKES, WHILE DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF VIRGO

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

After watching a spot on the History Channel about Mythological Archetypes in Astrology, I finally understood why Virgo is different from Gemini, despite being ruled by the same planet, Mercury. In ancient Greece/Rome, the planet Mercury was also represented by the deities Hermes/Mercury. The strangest thing is, the planet, as well as the deities are both hermaphrodites. They are a blend of both forces of masculine and feminine energies that are then split between Gemini and Virgo. While Gemini inherits the more “traditionally masculine” qualities of lying, cheating, deception, mischief, and smooth talking; Virgo on the other hand inherited the more “traditionally feminine” qualities of nitpicker, nag, idle conversation and worry-wart.

Mercury being naturally naughty and mischievously breezy flows ever so smoothly in Gemini, as Gemini is a sign of Air. However, in Virgo, Mercury’s mischievous, lighthearted nature is trapped in Earth, where it becomes critical and irritable. So you see, even if Virgo’s like or want to be as unstructured as cousin Gemini, their feet are stuck firmly in the ground, and hence they get left with irritable bowel syndrome. Virgo’s sweat the small stuff. These folks are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful, and correct everyone else’s spelling. They dispense unsolicited advise with all the authority of a second grade teacher, with about as much insight.

SAMANTHA:

Did you know it’s a Virgo’s karmic mission to give the greatest head ever?

CHARLOTTE:
(Almost choking on her cupcake)

What?

MIRANDA:

What makes you say that?

SAMANTHA:

Well, Virgo is said to rule the astrological house of “Service”. That means every Virgo does things only to “serve” others. Just like Leo doesn’t give head, as he considers himself a royal and only should receive head, Virgo being the traditional doormat of the zodiac, after Pisces of course, obliges willingly, sacrificing their own pleasures in order to “Serve” those who are higher. Just look at Madonna and Guy Ritchie. He probably goes down on her Leo p*ssy for hours after hours, just because he thinks she’s royalty.

MIRANDA:

Well, at least they know one good use of that mouth of theirs. Otherwise they just ***** and complain. And Madonna would need to keep his mouth busy to avoid hearing what he thought of her performance in Swept Away.

CARRIE:

And conveniently forgetting the fact that he was the one who directed the damn movie. Despite Virgo being a feminine sign, and the only sign in the entire zodiac represented by a woman, the men have an extremely chauvinistic side to them. Along with being anal, subjective, self-absorbed fussbudget who is critical, sanctimonious, and cheap.

CHARLOTTE:

Virgo’s aren’t cheap! They just believe in smart economizing. And they are only critical because they really want to help people.

MIRANDA:

Wake up and smell the java sweetie, Virgo’s are only critical because they wanna cover up their own imperfections. They are the least likely to admit a mistake. And if you do manage to prove one of them wrong, which is rare but a sweet moment of silent victory for you, he will say something like, “Oh, I didn’t realize that. Well, that changes the whole perspective… now, if you had only explained that to me in the beginning…” Typical Virgo, turning the blame over to you.

CARRIE:

Being born with the nothing’s-ever-good-enough gene has made them unable to relax and enjoy life’s surprises. And speaking of chauvinism, he is a classic case. Dismissing what he doesn’t believe, and believing only what’s convenient to his point of view.

SAMANTHA:

His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won’t hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.

CHARLOTTE:

But I always thought that Virgo’s are faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed during a crisis. A man who will be home in time for dinner, to help you balance the checkbook, and raise the children.

SAMANTHA:

Honey, either you think all Virgo’s are Boy Scouts, or you’re stuck in the fifties.

MIRANDA:

I had this one client who was desperate to divorce her Virgo husband. When I asked why? She became livid stating that his predictability gave her sleeping sickness. He used to expect dinner promptly at six, where the two of them would exchange news of the day’s events. Then he used to spend an hour with the kids, whom he trained like puppies to go to bed at eight.

CARRIE:
(Sarcastically)

Sounds exciting.

MIRANDA:

Wait till you hear the rest. Apparently after the kids went to bed, he would spend an exact hour sermonizing her about how she could improve her housekeeping abilities. And finally he would retire to his home office where he spent the rest of the evening mumbling over the bills or developing another plan for her self-improvement.

CHARLOTTE:

I’ve noticed the mumbling and grumbling. Why do they do that?

CARRIE:

Plain and simple honey. They are plain nuts.

MIRANDA:

Couldn’t have said it better. Their characters are purely idiosyncratic.

CARRIE:

Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires (they are always self made) are unable to utter a sensible statement.

MIRANDA:

Although don’t be under the impression that you can outwit them. Argue with one, and he’ll stare at you as if you’ve just lost your mind, for he can’t believe you dared to disagree. Then he would repeat, word by word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and will apologize to shut him up.

SAMANTHA:

And if you want romance and love songs Charlotte, choose any other sign (except Capricorn), because you won’t find it with this OCD perfectionist. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he’ll complain he cant see what he’s eating. Plus since they are cleanliness freaks, they would insist on inspecting the plates and cutlery they eat out of.

MIRANDA:

Speaking of Cleanliness freaks. Remember the shower of shame guy? He was a Virgo.

CARRIE:

Well, at least you had the satisfaction of knowing you are dirty enough for a Virgo sweetie.

MIRANDA:

You wish, plus a Virgo is a champ at faking an illness. Even though he does get weird stomach aches often, the fact that he’s pretending to be ill, and he knows you know it, makes no difference. A Virgo will feign anything from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered.

SAMANTHA:

That’s only because he’s as loath to confront a situation as he dears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can’t control you with his superiority, he’ll try to by appearing helpless.

CARRIE:

Like that guy in Little Britain, who keeps pretending to be disabled, making his Pisces caretaker run around and cater to his every bitter whim and fancy, only to be ostracized over and over by his acerbic mercury tongue.

CHARLOTTE:

But all Virgo’s can’t be the same. I mean sure they must have similar qualities and all, but they just all can’t be the same. Can they?

CARRIE:

That’s true sweetie. There are actually four types of Virgo’s.

CHARLOTTE:

Really?

SAMANTHA:

Of course sweetie. There are Hypercritical Virgins, Hypochondriac Virgins, Freaked Out Virgins, and Romantically-Challenged Virgins.

MIRANDA:

The Hypercritical Virgins are the perfectionist nitpicker variety. However, most of their criticism is self directed. When they feel they’ve failed to live up to the exacting personal standards, they’ve set for themselves. Then they turn their critical eye outward.

CARRIE:

The best way to deal with them is to listen patiently, even if you have to fake it. And throw in a praise occasionally. A little praise works wonders on them.

SAMANTHA:

Hypochondriac Virgin can really test the inner Florence Nightingale within you. Part of the care and feeding of these Virgins includes dealing with an occasional bout of psychosomatic stomach flu, allergies, or headaches. These Virgo’s realize they make themselves sick, but still can’t help feeling ill. Remember they fake it to avoid confrontation.

CARRIE:

For those kinds you gotta stock up on health foods and vitamins, with aroma therapy oils and all that.

MIRANDA:

All Virgo’s are slightly compulsive-obsessive, the Freaked-Out Virgins are the ones that appear truly clinical cases. These Virgo’s have so much Mercurial energy coursing through their brains that they constantly assess, process, and judge what to improve and what to pass by every walking moment.

SAMANTHA:

This makes them absentminded with respect to mundane chores. Their inner critic rears its ugly head at the most inopportune times, like when you’re just about to board your flight for Hawaii, and they worry that they’ve forgotten to turn off the iron, or lock the front door.

CARRIE:

A little reassurance goes a long way with these Virgo’s. Just tell yours that you are positive everything was fine when you left and don’t let them postpone your vacation to rush home and rattle the door.

CHARLOTTE:

And the final type?

SAMANTHA:

The Romantically-Challenged Virgins? Honey first of all, these Virgins are not virginal in the biblical sense. Neither are they sexless, clueless, or cold-hearted. They do not prefer reading books to getting laid (Aquarius) and don’t really post love making schedules on the back of the closet door. Well, most don’t.

CHARLOTTE:
(Not able to understand)

Huh?

CARRIE:

Well, Virgo’s build trust very slowly, and without trust you have no chance of winning their hart. After you are happily settled into a serious relationship, you can keep the romance alive quite nicely.

MIRANDA:

Yeah, just be patient and remember that they are creatures of habbit.

SAMANTHA:

So don’t try for a quickie on the kitchen table, unless you’ve managed to incorporate it into one of the acceptable places your Virgin will surrender.

CARRIE:

Keep your body fit and your mind alert. This guy gets turned on by intellectual talks and hates surprises.

CHARLOTTE:

But why even bother? I mean why a woman should have to endure so much criticism and be subjected to constant chauvinism is way beyond me.

SAMANTHA:

Oh sweetie, didn’t you hear the whole thing about them giving killer head.

CHARLOTTE:

Yeah, but would you do all that just for a guy who gave good head. I mean sure I tried to have a relationship with Mr. Pussy, but it didn’t work. So why stick around for a Virgo?

SAMANTHA:

The whole giving of killer head also has a deeper meaning honey. Remember, all Virgo’s are “Service” oriented. What they lack in overt romance they make up in devotion to keeping your home ordered, your checkbook balanced, and nutritious meals prepared.

CARRIE:

Virgo is a work-oriented sign, and that includes spending a great deal of time and effort making your relationship work. If you’re looking for a blatant romantic, you will be surely disappointed. But if you are looking for a faithful partner who is truly concerned about your health and home life, you couldn’t ask for much better.

MIRANDA:

Virgos are programmed to serve. He truly wants to be your partner and helpmate. Trust me, only a Virgo can say the word helpmate and not sound ridiculous. Plus with their hypochondria, they take that part of “in sickness and in health” very seriously. They are the absolute best at nursing you back to health whether you’ve got the flu or a major illness.

SAMANTHA:

And they do it willingly and pure-heartedly. Unlike Cancer’s who use it as an excuse to manipulate you to do things their way, as well as, take your illness as a reason to get therapy. Just look at Madonna, despite breaking god knows how many bones, she’s looking fabulous and better than ever in such a short time. It’s all because of Virgo Guy Ritchie’s patient attentive care.

CHARLOTTE:

I guess that’s not a bad prospect then. But one has to have the patience of a saint to deal with them.

CARRIE:

Patience is the key word. Remember, they value trust the most, and building trust takes time. But once you win it, they’re yours.

SAMANTHA:

Patience is also the keyword when dealing with their sexual side. Stress acts like a cold shower on a Virgo. You just need to help yours feel like everything is under control, or at least fixable before he will even think about a romp under the covers. This is why spontaneous sex on the sofa while the laundry is waiting to be folded is better left to a Gemini.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, that’s not a bad thing. At least it shows they are responsible.

SAMANTHA:

And Virgo’s are as hot as any other sign. They are also just as hedonistic, but have to work up any sort of spontaneous combustion to get them going. They love to and want to talk about, learn about, and test a variety of positions first, after building up the trust factor with you, he will discover his or her own libido and lust factor. And hold onto the bedpost when that happens. Did I mention they can go down on you for hours at a stretch?

SCENE: CARRIE’S APPARTMENT…CARRIE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

It's hard to understand why Virginians are sometimes called selfish, since they usually find more satisfaction in serving others than in satisfying their own personal ambition. The selfish label probably arises from the Virgo ability to say "no" and really mean it. He gives freely of his time and energy, but he won't go beyond the point of reasonableness. When demands become excessive, Virgo will balk and make his objections quiet clear, perhaps too clear. As much as he loves to point out the flaws of others, he fiercely resents open criticism of his own mistakes. When a Virgo makes an error, which will be rare, point it out tactfully if you want to keep his friendship.
Virgos like cats, birds and small, helpless creatures. They also like truth, punctuality, economy, prudence and discreet selectivity. They hate gushy sentiment, dirt, vulgarity, slop-piness and idleness. Theirs is a practical nature, with excessive discrimination-the true individualists, whose keen perception keeps their desires clear of muddy, wishful thinking. A fresh breeze blows through the dream of a Virgo, sweeping it free of wisps of wild, inaccurate fancies. Once he's learned to master life's complicated details, instead of letting details master him, he can shape his own destiny with more certainty than any other Sun sign.
Cool green jade and pure platinum complement him and bring him luck. But Virginian good fortune is always followed by five kinds of loneliness, and duty's clarion call is never still within these gentle hearts. Don't forget that the shy, wistful smile of Virgo hides a secret or two. Both the quicksilver of Mercury and the distant thunder of Vulcan run through his quiet blood, as he dresses in his favorite colors of gray, beige, navy blue, all shades of green and stark white. Underneath his serious manner lies the alluring aura of the Virgin-purity of thought and purpose, symbolized by the Virgo hyacinth. Once you've known the fragrance of this Easter flower, you're never quite free of its spell. It returns each spring to haunt the memory. Virgo has its own, secret way of making the heart remember.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lemme know what you all think

posted February 17, 2006 10:48 AM              

I really love all of your fictionalizations so far. They are quite on the mark! Also, I appreciated reading the distinctions between Gemini and Virgo. I do kind of subscribe to the Classical Astrology view of two signs for each planet (excepting the luminaries) and this explained the differences of element and polarity very well. Please keep up the good work!

P.S. I'm so excited...my man's next!!

------------------
Sincerely,
divinia

posted February 17, 2006 01:27 PM            

quote:

---

They hate gushy sentiment, dirt, vulgarity, slop-piness and idleness.

---

Virgo? Well, they can be quite vulgar in their language, and isn't chauvinism vulgar?

posted February 17, 2006 04:11 PM              

These are brilliant!!!!

------------------
libra sun/ pisces moon/ aries rising

posted February 18, 2006 02:34 AM              

Thank you all so much for all your lovely words and responses. It really feels nice to know that my lil parody has been liked by you all.

*~*~*~*~*

Beetleguese... i saw your pic on one of the topics in the Free for all forum...you're cute.

*~*~*~*~*

Like i mentioned earlier... my writings are inspired by Hazel Dixon Cooper's,"Born on a Rotten Day" and "Love on a Rotten Day"... so in honoring the second work, as well as sex and the city... I've made a piece where Carrie writes in her paper a special column..dealing with compatibility between the stars. The interpretations are directly taken from the book "Love on a Rotten Day"... but the celeb examples are thought up by me..and the quotes with each sign is from Sex and the City

Hope you like them

THE NEW YORK STAR PRESENTS

FATAL ATTRACTIONS – PART ONE:-

A SUN SIGN BASES PERSONAL AD STYLE COMPATIBLITY GUIDE FOR THE TWISTED

WRITTEN AND RESEARCHED BY OUR BELOVED CARRIE BRADSHAW

ARIES:-

“Honey, my v*gina waits for no man.”

ARIES/ARIES: - Crazed but well-meaning egomaniac seeks pushy, competitive partner for wild sex and daily scream fests. Bring own dishes to throw. (Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick)

ARIES/TAURUS: - Self-serving, rugged individualist who can’t cook seeks inert, stodgy gourmand with chocolate fetish for kitchen-table sex. Bring own wok. (Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn)

ARIES/GEMINI: - Immature, but cute, spendthrift seeks angst-ridden partner with teenage mentality and good credit for merry-go-round lifestyle and frequent fornication. (Yosemite Sam and Bugs Bunny)

ARIES/CANCER: - Overconfident, perpetual babe-in-arms with excessively broken heart seeks egoless smarmy type to blame, whine at, and harass. (Mariah Carey and Tommy Mottola)

ARIES/LEO: Hot-to-trot sexual firebrand seeks arrogant party-hound with dramatic flair to barrel through life shouting orders at the ignorant masses. Fabulous sex! Forever love! (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck)

ARIES/VIRGO: - Multiple-orgasm champ with giant ego seeks sagacious, reticent complainer for the one-night relationship from hell. (Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams)

ARIES/LIBRA: - Long-suffering hothead, always right, especially when wrong, seeks vain, supercilious underachiever for great sex and shallow-but-meaningful relationship. (Clyde and Bonnie)

ARIES/SCORPIO: - Hopeless romantic loser seeks jealous, obsessive game player for over-the-top sex and underhanded emotional maneuvers. If you quit snarling, I’ll try not to yell. (Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan)

ARIES/SAGITTARIUS: - Fun-loving hedonistic chatterbox seeks loquacious bore with clown feet for exuberant sex and can-you-top-this game playing. (K-Fed and Britney Spears)

ARIES/CAPRICORN: - Impetuous fly-by-night, used to instant gratification, seeks responsible drudge with cold cash and a heart to match for mutual head butting and brutally honest talks. (Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay)

ARIES/AQUARIUS: - Serious sex machine with own toys seeks perverse-but-harmless space case for a little tomfoolery and lots of insincere flattery. (Vaughnniston)

ARIES/PISCES: - Fearless Leader type with savior complex seeks timid, substance-abusing loser to reform, dominate, and stalk. (Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.)

*~*~*~*~*

TAURUS

“Anything else around here need milking?”

TAURUS/ARIES: - Shy, boring grouch with raging hormonal surplus seeks impetuous, optimistic hedonist to frustrate, fight, and forget. Let’s lock horns baby! (Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman)

TAURUS/TAURUS: - Stable stick-in-the-mud who loves food, sex, and money seeks same, for long-term relationship full of cannelloni, canoodling, and coin wrapping. (George Clooney and Renee Zellwegger)

TAURUS/GEMINI: - Judgmental, homeostatic pessimist seeks reform-school dropout with attitude to whip into shape. Bring own whip. (Melania Knauss and Donald Trump)

TAURUS/CANCER: - Stubborn-but-well-meaning parental figure seeks unstable, reclusive disaster magnet to mother, smother, and scold. (Royston Langdon and Liv Tyler)

TAURUS/LEO: - Jealous tyrant with short fuse and long memory seeks arrogant tyrant with shorter fuse and no memory at all for physical grappling and verbal duel to the death. (Sleeping Beauty and Prince Phillip)

TAURUS/VIRGO: - Quiet-but-determined routine-loving hypochondriac seeks quiet-but-constant critic to clean house and help judge the lesser folk. Conservative, but sensual, sex included. (Homer and Marge Simpson)

TAURUS/LIBRA: - Resolute, sober stay-at-home seeks flippant, irresponsible liar to share the Venusian love of excess. Short-term titillation, long-term suffering. (Aidan Shaw and Carrie Bradshaw)

TAURUS/SCORPIO: - Church deacon with mirrored ceiling and unholy sexual appetite seeks depraved, willing cheater for secret long-term affair. No talk. Park in back. Leave before sunrise. (Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke)

TAURUS/SAGITTARIUS: - Sermonizing, lazy stay-at-home who prefers TV to real life seeks philosophizing gadabout with wandering eye for mutual and mental anguish, terminal misunderstanding. (Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal)

TAURUS/CAPRICORN: - Self-indulgent bore with well-stocked pantry and lots of dough seeks extravagant social climber with Swiss Bank account for romantic evenings by the checkbook, mind-bending sexual marathons, and everlasting love. (Clark Kent and Lana Lang)

TAURUS/AQUARIUS: - Earthy, seductive animal with barnyard manners and possessive nature seeks militant airhead who would rather talk than screw for fleeting, yet memorably repugnant, affair. (Cher and Sonny)

TAURUS/PISCES: - Sensual pleasure lover with both feet planted firmly on the couch seeks guiless dreamer with sweet tooth for safe sex, safe life, and cozy, albeit predictable love. (David Gest and Liza Minnelli)

*~*~*~*~*

GEMINI

“I'm a ‘trisexual’. I'll try anything once.”

GEMINI/ARIES: - Quizmaster of unceremonious nonsense with a master’s degree in carnal knowledge seeks subtle-as-a-crutch motor mouth with hearty sexual appetite to share unbelievable sex and stimulating pillow talk. (Annette Bening and Warren Beatty)

GEMINI/TAURUS: - Promiscuous schizophrenic with death-by-boredom wish seeks possessive plodder with tired blood to screw, confuse, dump and forget. (Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias)

GEMINI/GEMINI: - Chat-room junkie who’s found Elvis seeks foot-loose dandy with cell phone for witty verbal sparing, brilliant sexual innuendos, and serious, committed one-night stand. (Marilyn Monroe and JFK)

GEMINI/CANCER: - Superficial-but-darling flirt who lives for friends, fun, and serial romancing seeks emotionally clingy recluse for weekend relationship that will seem like two life times. (Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise)

GEMINI/LEO: - Future Pulitzer prize winner who’s not shy about success seeks glamorous **** -about-town for fun, games, serious sex, and lifetime love fest. (Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton)

GEMINI/VIRGO: - Hyperactive, debate-team captain prone to snap decisions and stretching the truth seeks deliberate, careful planner with dustpan for a Guinness record-breaking shortest dinner date in history. (Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant)

GEMINI/LIBRA: - Footloose rascal with multiple personalities, live-for-today attitude, and expensive tastes seeks luxury-loving shopaholic with an eye for style and a body for sin. We’ll hit the sheets, and the white sales, together forever. (Jack Berger and Carrie Bradshaw)

GEMINI/SCORPIO: - Dueling tongue champ with penchant for pushing the envelope seeks mysterious stranger with venomous streak for mutual emotional assassination and super hot sex. (Giselle Bundchen and Leo Di Caprio)

GEMINI/SAGITTARIUS: - Headstrong, loquacious party-hound who loves dispensing advise seeks bombastic armchair philosopher for marathon talk fest, no sex, and verbal duel-to-the-death (Brangelina)

GEMINI/CAPRICORN: - lovable cheat who burns both the checkbook and mattress at both ends seeks stuffy conservative who secretly craves adventure and sex games. Could be the start of a beautiful friendship. (Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis)

GEMININ/AQUARIUS: - Jiggly, jumpy, jive-talking escape artist with boundless energy seeks anything-goes wild child with frightnight hair and kinky libido for endless fun, continuous surprises, and death-can’t-part-us love. (Heidi Klum and Seal)

GEMINI/PISCES: - Unstable airhead with checkered past and questionable future seeks gullible escapist with no self-esteem for rent money, gas money, and 2 a.m. quickies. (Fabrizio Moretti and Drew Barrymore)

*~*~*~*~*

CANCER

“My v*gina's depressed.”

CANCER/ARIES: - Romance-novel savant with martyr complex seeks kinky serial romancer for unbelievable sex and an unbearable morning after. (Gabrielle and Xena)

CANCER/TAURUS: - Serious, possessive homebody, who cooks in and out of bed, seeks serious, possessive protector who loves to eat. True love and sensual sex guaranteed. (Michael Weatherly and Jessica Alba)

CANCER/GEMINI: - Love-starved clinging vine with terminal hangnails seeks self-serving hedonist with a rabbit’s idea of foreplay and ability to inflict serious emotional damage upon an already fractured ego. (Wendy and Peter Pan)

CANCER/CANCER: - Migraine-afflicted shut-in with Oedipus complex seeks whining hypochondriac for shared passive-aggressions and crisis-to-crisis lifestyle. First one to commit suicide wins. (Charlotte York and Trey McDougal)

CANCER/LEO: - Shy-but-sensual housekeeper with French-maid uniform seeks outlandishly brazen defender to serve, worship, and stroke the right way. Perfect master/slave relationship, but guess who is boss? (Nancy Walls and Steve Carrell)

CANCER/VIRGO: - Irritable, moody, and underhanded manipulator seeks irritable, critical, and perpetually ****** -off partner for great sex and true affection. True love might take too much effort. (Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray)

CANCER/LIBRA: - Woebegone sacrificial lamb with masochistic streak seeks vain, flippant lover with altar and willing attitude (Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee)

CANCER/SCORPIO: - Professional martyr with own sackcloth and ashes seeks sinfully sexual partner whose taste for meaningless vengeance titillates and helps perfect victim act. (Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey)

CANCER/SAGITTARIUS: - Travel-phobic, sidestepping, double-shuffler who mumbles seeks brutally honest loudmouth with life-time airline miles for interesting but hopeless romance (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes)

CANCER/CAPRICORN: - Emotionally-infantile-but-sweet hypochondriac, who’s prone to panic attacks and death fantasies, seeks a no-nonsense parental figure into domination, subjugation, and humiliation. Cool sex. Convenience-store romance. (Lindsay Lohan and Jared Leto)

CANCER/AQUARIUS: - Collector of useless trinkets with seriously impaired relationship judgment seeks mad-scientist type with own lab for terminal misunderstandings and sex that could chill a penguin. (Dharma and Greg)

CANCER/PISCES: - Smothering caregiver with flair for the mundane, and award-winning chicken soup recipes, seeks deluded ne’er-do-well with big dreams to wet nurse, cover for, support, and love. (June Carter and Johnny Cash)

*~*~*~*~*

LEO

“Hello, 911. I'm on fire.”

LEO/ARIES: - Sun-and-fun-loving wildcat seeks enthusiastic, adventurous partner for spontaneously combustible sex, serious jostling for command, fantastic fights, and true love. (Al Gore and Tipper Gore)

LEO/TAURUS: - Good-humored jungle jive cat with no credit and wandering eye seeks humorless couch potato with fat savings account and maniacal jealous streak for the affair from hell. (Scully and Mulder – The X Files)

LEO/GEMINI: - Party animal with flair for fearless fornicating seeks attractive-but-bad partner with talent for instant sexual gratification. Fun, lust, and a laugh a minute guaranteed. (John Stamos and Paula Abdul)

LEO/CANCER: - Born-to-lead and permanently on the make fun-lover seeks born-to-boss, introverted cross-bearer for interesting but frustrating one-night stand. Breakfast optional. (Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall)

LEO/LEO: - Too-sexy-for-the-Universe primal being with dream of world domination seeks same for the hottest sex this side of the Sahara. Permanent partnership possible if we take turns being on top. (Bennifer)

LEO/VIRGO: - Selfish spendthrift with supercharged sex life who soaks car parts in the bathtub seeks germ-phobic stay-at-home who lives in head for a few tense weeks and one hellatious breakup. (Madonna and Guy Ritchie)

LEO/LIBRA: - Spoiled brat with teenage lust drive seeks romance junkie with perpetual need to talk things over. Sizzling sex, so who needs conversation? (Julian McMahon and Dannii Minogue)

LEO/SCORPIO: - Noble beast with no humility and phone book full of friends seeks hot but emotionally oppressive cynic for jungle sex, midnight revenge, and short-but-savage romance. (John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn)

LEO/SAGITTARIUS: - HRH Look-at-Me with flair for exaggeration and wild sense of adventure seeks court jester with endless supply of one-liners and a beastly sexual appetite. All the world’s a stage. Let’s play! (Tarzan and Jane)

LEO/CAPRICORN: - Dominant life-of-the-party, who’s generally good natured and cooks between the sheets, seeks dominant overachiever with Swiss bank account and hearty appetite and cold blooded lust. Hot mating. Cold morning after. (Jackie Kennedy and Aristotle Onassis)

LEO/AQUARIUS: - Compliment-crazy cupcake with flair for down-home philosophy seeks sermonizing activist who’s paranoid, anti-everything, and can’t dance for interesting but impossible evening. An itch we can’t scratch. (Samson and Delilah)

LEO/PISCES: - In-your-face feline with taste for tuna seeks sucker-fish whose fins are permanently bent out of shape to feed on, fight with, and screw over, and over, and over. (Tom Green and Drew Barrymore)

*~*~*~*~*

VIRGO

“I don't like having anything inserted in my an*s, even though it may come as a surprise”

VIRGO/ARIES: - Selfless, discriminating bookworm who’s having second thoughts about living for sense and order seeks rash, needy, rake-about-town for one-night stand and reality check. (Andy Roddick and Mandy Moore)

VIRGO/TAURUS: - Critical perfectionist tightwad with permanent indigestion and compulsion to clean toilets seeks earthy homebody who loves to eat, watch TV in bed, and have safe sex. True love guaranteed. (Princess Fiona and Shrek)

VIRGO/GEMINI: - Fun-challenged nitpicker who would rather talk about sex than do the deed seeks irrational chatterbox with string of failed affairs to quiz, analyze, and drive bonkers. Actual sex optional. (David Arquette and Courtney Cox)

VIRGO/CANCER: - Security-craving nervous Nellie with portable pharmacopoeia seeks long-suffering martyr type to serve, spoon-feed, and mother. Possible soul mates. (Pink and Carey Hart)

VIRGO/LEO: - Perfectly perfect person with neatly typed five-year-plan seeks party magnet whose idea of organization means finding the car keys for desperately incompatible, micromini friendship. (Selma Hayek and Edward Norton)

VIRGO/VIRGO: - Methodical workaholic with permanent rash and no cuticles seeks same for endless-but-polite criticizing, midnight discussions on the advantages of buying in bulk, and absorbing sexual exploration. Happiness guaranteed if you don’t nitpick. (Major Tony Nelson and Jeannie)

VIRGO/LIBRA: - Chronically anxious procrastinator with doctoral in folk medicine who loves sex, home and regular bedtimes seeks chronically vapid swinger with unequaled talent for dissipation for pre-destined-to-doom affair. (Jada Pinkette and Will Smith)

VIRGO/SCORPIO: - Shy, caring, and seriously underestimated sex toy who can balance the books and ring your chimes seeks surly-but-sensitive power broker to seduce, surprise, and send to carnal heaven. (Ryan Sutter and Trista Rehn – The Bachelorette)

VIRGO/SAGITTARIUS: - Monogamous stay-at-home with talent for small talk seeks long-winded, serial-affair champ to nitpick into the next millennium. Just joking. This won’t last through the appetizers. (Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z)

VIRGO/CAPRICORN: - Neat freak with baby face and calculator brain who loves large bank accounts seeks impeccable, coolly reserved pro who’s scaling the corporate ladder, for exceptional romance, polite disagreements, and solid 24 karat gold future. (Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart)

VIRGO/AQUARIUS: - Meticulous caregiver with sensible shoes and attitude to match who’s hooked on the niggling details seeks space case with invisible friends, army boots, and cavalier attitude towards sex for short romp in the hay. (Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards)

VIRGO/PISCES: - Routine-loving and well-organized coupon clipper with need for security seeks slapdash romance addict with no money, no job, and little future to mold, prod, and push towards success. Glorious sex. Iffy morning after. (Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford)

*~*~*~*~*

posted February 19, 2006 08:36 AM              

Aries was funny.

They seem to like me.. i find their openness refreshing but the ego needs a bigger house for all 3 of us! (aries male, their ego and me)

posted February 19, 2006 09:05 AM              

i'm loving all of the scenes, can't wait for pisces and scorpio...

**

posted February 19, 2006 01:00 PM              

Sorry for the delay

Here's Libra --- (I tried to be as fair as possible)

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE ENJOYING AN ENTERTAINING EVENING AT A VEGAS-THEMED LOUNGE AND BAR. DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF LIBRA

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

When John Gray thought of the title “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” he probably wasn’t thinking about the Libra Man. Like his earthen counterpart Taurus, Libra is also co-ruled by Bad-Girl goddess, Venus. However, just like Mercury went total skitzo on Gemini and Virgo, Venus does a total 180 in her boy-toy sign of Libra. In Taurus, Venus was the goddess of “I-want-this and I-want-that”. In the sign of Libra, she becomes the goddess of, “I’m so pretty, Oh so pretty”. However, not so, “Bright and witty” as she’d like to be.

Since Taurus is a sign of earth, it kinda blends Venus with some practicality as well as some financial acumen to furnish the house with numerous luxuries. In Libra, a sign of air, Venus becomes flaky and flight, all good judgment goes out of the window, so what we get is maxed out credit cards, a rolodex of plastic surgeons, and over-the-top bling-bling. Not to mention mirrors placed on every empty wall of the house.

MIRANDA:

Did you know, according to the Bible and other sources, Venus is known as the “Wh*re ” of the zodiac?

CHARLOTTE:
(Eyes widen with horror)

Miranda!

SAMANTHA:

No darling, that’s me. But Libra’s a close second.

CARRIE:

Well, according to one of the Cosmo bedtime astrologers, Libra, especially the men, are known to be the leading home wreckers of the zodiac.

MIRANDA:

Well, I guess Lenny Bruce wasn’t kidding when he joked that his mother-in-law broke up his marriage because his wife came home and found the two of them in bed.

CHARLOTTE:

Aren’t Libra’s supposed to be charming and ever willing to please? With soft dimpled smiles that can make anyone’s day light up?

SAMANTHA:

Charming? More like smarmy if you ask me. Those smiles they keep flashing are just over hyped smirks that they are born with.

CARRIE:

And as the old saying goes, Dimple on the chin, devil within.

MIRANDA:

Or in a Libra’s case, the Wh*re of Babylon within.

CHARLOTTE:

But astrologically, Libra is known as the sign of marriage. And its only because those born under this sign feel out of balance without a partner.

SAMANTHA:

The book you read failed to reveal that it doesn’t have to be Libra’s marriage to begin with. Partners of friends and relatives work just as well for them.

CHARLOTTE:

I beg your pardon?

MIRANDA:

She’s right you know, Libra’s are relationship junkies who need another body to feel complete, and anyone would do in a pinch.

CARRIE:

That’s why they’re known as the kings and queens of the backseat quickie.

CHARLOTTE:

They are so not! Libra’s are said to be the romantics of the zodiac.

(The girls break into laughter)

SAMANTHA:

Honey, what’s wrong with you? A Libra’s idea of romance is basically wooing and charming his way into your pants. You may start thinking of a future together after a couple of rounds of his polished sexual prowess. However, to him, future is defined as until tomorrow morning, when he’ll most likely forget your name before he finishes flossing his dazzling white (almost always capped) teeth.

CARRIE:

He’s superficial. A Libra man prefers beauty to substance and expects to be blindsided by the emotion of perfect love.

CHARLOTTE:

But I thought they love the sound of wedding bells ring?

MIRANDA:

Oh you’ll hear bells ring, but, after the honeymoon, those harmonious chimes quickly turn into death knells. He doesn’t want a real woman who will jar him out of his escapist day-dreaming into a world of house payments and crying children.

SAMANTHA:
He wants a Barbie Doll, to cook, clean, and look pretty 24/7 while entertaining his endless procession of casual friends.

CHARLOTTE:

But all libra’s cant be so mean? Surely there are nicer ones?

CARRIE:

Well, at best, he would just be an indecisive bumbler who’s so easily distracted that he’ll get sidetracked into spending the day at the races with a friend he just “bumped into” at the gourmet foods aisle, while you an the kids wait for dinner.

MIRANDA:

Or he’ll come home empty-handed from the paint-store because he couldn’t decide which shade of yellow wouldn’t make his thighs look fat in the bathroom mirror.

CHARLOTTE:

Well he can’t help being indecisive. He’s ruled by a pair of scales, he needs to balance all his decisions with pros and cons.

SAMANTHA:

The only scales he has are those of a lizard. A lounge lizard.

MIRANDA:

The seventies should be renamed the “Decade of Libra”. Wizened lotharios from this era still have their blue polyester leisure suits, gold chains, pinkie rings, and original bottle of Hai Karate.

SAMANTHA:

The modern versions wear leather vests over bare chests and strut like peacocks down the middle of the dance floor during the band’s break, hoping every eye is turned in his direction as he shakes his sculpted bootie so the grooves of remixed disco hits of the seventies.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, Libra is the sign of debators. At least he can provide some stimulating conversation.

CARRIE:

You wish honey. Libra is the (drag) queen of Small-Talk.

SAMANTHA:

He’s not into anger. Pick a fight with him, and you’ll get a half hearted argument.

MIRANDA:

Usually, he will verbally dodge, sidestep, and try to distract you from the original issue with all the nimbleness of a Capricorn skipping out on his alimony payments.

SAMANTHA:

Contrary to venting his anger, he will drive you to vent yours.

CARRIE:

Plus they are famous for playing the “If only…” game.

CHARLOTTE:

The what?

SAMANTHA:

The “If only…” game is one of Libra’s many inherent talents, along with finding 50 different ways of saying “On the other hand”

CHARLOTTE:

What exactly is the “If only…” game?

MIRANDA:

It’s a twisted play of words that make him seem like those condescending aunties you meet in family reunions and weddings that go, “You have such beautiful eyes, If only you’d loose some weight, we might be able to see them” or perhaps, “You’re so kind-hearted, If Only you had the common sense to match”

CHARLOTTE:
(Eyes widen with horror)

They wouldn’t dare!

SAMANTHA:

What do you expect honey. They are superficial. Even the sweetest ones you find tend to equate style with substance.

MIRANDA:

And since they have also inherited Venus’ bed-hopping perspective on romance, they tend to have secret affairs with people with whom they wouldn’t dare to be caught dead with in public.

CHARLOTTE:

Then why do they sleep with them in the first place?

SAMANTHA:

That’s because they are so vain that they rationalize that one night with them would magically improve their miserable lot in life.

CARRIE:

They do long for a meaningful relationship. But anything less than blind agreement from the one they love sends them to bed with the nearest stranger.

MIRANDA:

They don’t want a partner, they want a clone. Old Libra couples are easy to spot because of their matching hairdo’s and regular use of facelifts and botox.

CHARLOTTE:

Are you guys serious?

SAMANTHA:

As serious as a Scorpio.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, at least Libra’s aren’t as clingy as Cancers or Critical as Virgos.

MIRANDA:

No honey, they’re worse.

CHARLOTTE:

How can that be?

CARRIE:

Well, Libra believes in romance-by-osmosis. Like octopi, they affix at least one part of themselves to a part of you whenever they are near. He or she will think it’s so darn cute when they sit in your lap during dinner and eat from the same folk.

CHARLOTTE:

But that’s a sweet romantic gesture.

MIRANDA:

Only if you’re an insecure Virgo or a clingy Cancer. Not if you are a space-sparing Capricorn or a don’t-touch-me-till-I-tell-you Scorpio.

SAMANTHA:

If one is after you, expect all that Venusian charm turned on at full force. Libra comes all fair play and understanding. But bear this in mind: Libras compromise only when its to their advantage.

CHARLOTTE:

No…!

CARRIE:

Yes! They sulk if you don’t accept them exactly as they are, but will endlessly analyze you, finding fault with everything you eat, think, and wear. Plus they expect you to adhere to the list of improvements they carefully create for your benefit.

SAMANTHA:

Don’t confuse this with a Virgo’s criticism. Virgo’s incessant nitpicking is only motivated by the belief that they are actually helping you. Libras measure themselves by the social acceptability of their date. And since they hang around with anybody who’d have them, this is a moot point.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, they just like things and people to appear nice. Surely they have the sense to know looks aren’t everything.

MIRANDA:

Honey, Libra’s are suckers for a pretty face. Especially if its their own.

SAMANTHA:

The best way to get one interested is to tiltillate with lots of flattery that’s short of sincerity and long on sexual innuendos.

MIRANDA:

They’ll know its ******** , but will think you are after their body. They cant help it. All Libra’s were born with the vain-meter stuck on nauseate.

CARRIE:

Remember honey, Venus in this sign rules mirrors. As well as the before and after pictures of a plastic surgeons catalogue.

CHARLOTTE:

Well they must be good in bed, considering all the affairs they conjure up.

SAMANTHA:

That, like everything else about a Libra, is debatable.

CHARLOTTE:

How so?

CARRIE:

Well, Libra is more interested in setting the scene (just like a movie) and how he or she will look in it, than doing the deed. Hair, makeup, music, and lighting - all must be perfectly arranged. Else your Libra lover will lose interest faster than a Sagittarius on a trip to the Bible-Belt.

SAMANTHA:

Libra’s believe in give-and-take, but is so hung up on equality in bed, you could find yourself screwing in four-four time because he is counting the in-and-outs to make sure neither of you is “short-stroked”

CARRIE:

Libra’s like low-lighting that flatters the complection, shades of blue and lavender, and to dance. That’s why so many hang out in bars.

MIRANDA:

When Venus gifted her hand mirror to Libra and a taste for luxury, Libra was so engrossed in kissing the mirror that Venus’ sense of perception flew right out the window. That’s the reason they equate flattery with refinement. And expensive with good tastes.

CHARLOTTE:

Oh my God! Does that mean all the women in love with Libra’s are doomed to a life of constant frustration with a sign that cant make up its mind to save its soul?

CARRIE:

Oh come on honey, all Libra’s make wonderful partners. You just gotta know how to handle them.

CHARLOTTE:

But what’s the point?

CARRIE:

Well, you see Libra’s scales represent partnerships of all kinds. When one side is empty, Libra is of little use to anyone, including himself. It’s only when the scales are in motion, balancing and counter-balancing everything from minor daily issues to major crisis moments, that Libra can truly function.

SAMANTHA:

Plus, Libra is a class act. Diplomatic and harmonious, these guys instinctively know how to put other people at ease and just what to say in a situation. Yes, you may have to make the decision of selecting the china pattern and silverware, because Libra isn’t absolutely, positively sure that they match each other.

CHARLOTTE:

But then, Libra is never absolutely, positively sure of anything.

MIRANDA:

Look at the bright side. You’ll rarely suffer the fallout from a rash decision as you would with an Aquarian or a Leo.

CHARLOTTE:

I suppose. But what can one do to keep them happy?

CARRIE:

Simple! With lots of thoughtful attention. Libra will love anything that includes just the two of you. They will never tire of that romantic weekend away, whether you are celebrating your first year together or your fiftieth. This is one sign that will be a true partner to you in every sense of the word.

CHARLOTTE:

Really? It’s that simple?

MIRANDA:

Of course it is! Libra will work as hard as you, share household and child-rearing duties, and give as much as he takes.

SAMANTHA:

In bed, this means that Libra is into pleasing you a much or more than being pleased. This sign is tender, gentle, acquiescing, and with the right partner, gives new meaning to the term Sexual Healing

CHARLOTTE:

Ohh… I cant wait to meet one!

SCENE: CARRIE’S APPARTMENT… CARRIE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP

CARRIE
(Voiceover)

Libra’s love to spend money, especially if its someone else’s. But even if you don’t have unlimited funds, small gifts such as scented candles, or a new shirt you bought on sale will prove that you were thinking of your Libra lover, and that’s what truly counts. Never ask these dimpled darlings what they want for a birthday, an anniversary, or Christmas. First, they will never be able to choose between the latest R&B CD and a luxurious cashmere sweater. Second, if you haven’t paid enough attention to already know, shame on you.

Balance is the key to a Libra’s heart. If yours is a driven career-type, plan quiet dinners and frequent weekend getaways. If he is trapped in a Dilbert cubicle, go dancing or to a favorite sporting event or concert. Or just fill a bathtub with herbal mud and wrestle away.

They love the harmony of sounds, colors, poetry and the proper use of words, both written and spoken. Rarely do they escape the influence of the arts. A Libran is a gentle, tender lover of all that's good and clean and lovely underneath whatever image he may project when that fairy godmother raps one side of his scales. He's an artistic soul at heart, who enjoys spreading the soft blue and pastel shades of Venus at parties and cultural occasions. Soft light, mellow music, interesting conversation, good food and fine wines turn him on. His mind has both the brilliance of the diamond and the smoothness of the opal. He moves in the changing element of air and reflects the usefulness .of copper, his harmonizing metal. There's a touch of the cool, Libran mint in his alert reasoning and his sharp sense of honor, and six dimensions of peace shine down on him from Venus.
To truly understand Libra, you must understand the riddle of the scales; one side heaped high with October's vivid, golden leaves, suggesting brisk, autumn weather- the other side holding sky blue bunches of shy violets, drenched in the fresh scent of April rain. When the scales dip, bright optimism turns into silent panic, weighed down with lonely depression. When they balance, they produce a perfect harmony between his rich, crackling intellect and his affectionate, sympathetic heart. The seasons hold Libra's secret. Winter is too cold for him. Summer is too hot. He must blend them both into a perfect fall and spring.

*~*~*~*~*

Lemme know what you think

posted March 01, 2006 12:36 AM              

------------------
libra sun/ pisces moon/ aries rising