posted February 13, 2006 02:49 AM              

SCENE: COFFEE SHOP, ALL FOUR GIRLS ARE SITTING DOWN AND DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF ARIES.

CARRIE:

Did you all know that according to this book, Aries is considered to be the sign of the Alpha male of the Zodiac?

SAMANTHA:

(with a naughty undertone)
Well, it’s no wonder its symbol is a “Ram”, if you know what I mean.

MIRANDA:

(sarcastically)
Ram indeed, more like a butt-head if you ask me. Remember that ‘angry guy’ I was dating? He was an Aries. All I got was insults and Chlamydia.

CHARLOTTE:

But I heard they are supposed to be the prince charming every girl dreams of marrying?

SAMANTHA:

No honey, that’s Cancer, although they come along with nagging mothers who they worship, so I wouldn’t call them the ultimate prince charming. But about the Alpha male bit, they do have fast acting dicks. They can get hard in seconds.

MIRANDA:

Fast acting dicks indeed, but you gotta fake it with them. They’re all about pleasuring themselves. Selfish pricks.

CARRIE:

(laughing)
Well, the book did mention something about them lacking skills at foreplaying…

MIRANDA:

Lacking skills? Oh please, they don’t even know what foreplaying is. I bet the guy who invented the term “Wham Bham Thank you Ma’am” was probably an Aries cowboy at some wh*re house in the old west.
CHARLOTTE:

(in a soft shy embarrassed manner)
Sometimes they don’t even say thank you.

[ALL GIRLS LOOK AT HER]

SAMANTHA:

(trying to take the attention away from charlotte who isn’t really ready to tell about her encounter)

Well, the best thing about f*cking with an Aries is that they are ‘ever ready’. Granted, they are the kings of the “Five Minute f*ck they also recover in five minutes, so you can guarantee multiple sessions of hot steamy guilt free sex. They also love the thrill of public s*x, grabbing a quickie in a traffic jam or in the bushes during your morning jog…

CARRIE:

…Or in your office right after you fire them. Wasn’t your former assistant an Aries?

SAMANTHA:

Well, I did say it was guilt free sex. But I did fire him for being a rude prick.

CHARLOTTE:

I always thought Aries men were passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, and friendly like a puppy. Along with being downright fearless, and like one of those downright romantics that love to swoon after you. And as long as he loves you, he would be faithful, sexy, and attentive…A regular knight in shining armor?

MIRANDA:

Yeah, a regular Sir Lancelot. The guy may have been bold and all that, but his ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere’s dress, he conveniently forgot his wow to King Arthur.

CARRIE:

Although, in Lancelot’s point of view, he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is all the counts.

MIRANDA:

An Aries man would rather be the biggest jerk in town, than just another anonymous working slob. I knew this lawyer once, who took pride in being more self centered than a Scorpio and more obtuse than a Taurus. He was damn sure he was right, especially when he was wrong. Good thing I won the case, you should have seen his face.

CARRIE:

Well, not all Aries men are the same. According to this book, they come in 2 types. The Ram variety that are bold, brash, and ready for action… and the Sheep variety…that come all “aw shucks” like Dennis Quaid shuffling his toes.

CHARLOTTE:

Did you know Hugh Heffner is an Aries? On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago, I believe there was a brass plate with the inscription “Si non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare”…

SAMANTHA:

That means “If you don’t swing, don’t ring”…

(the girls end up laughing.. Samantha continues)

In a way Hugh is a typical aries, still alive and well, and still a bad boy at 76. I wonder how his dick would be?

CARRIE:

Probably still hung and ready. He’s living every single guys dream, with an array of bunnies for his own fancy. Maybe that’s why he never got married again.

MIRANDA:

Well, from what I hear, marrying an Aries guy isn’t a peach. A client of mine was divorcing her extreme sports junkie Aries husband, the marriage didn’t last three weeks. According to her, he expected the house to be sparkling clean, the grass mowed, car washed, all before he got home from his latest adventure. He would then leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder.

CHARLOTTE:

(gasps in horror)

Are you serious? He was that bad?

MIRANDA:

Oh it gets better. When he got to the table, he expected her to have a gourmet’s delight in one hand, with Dr. Pepper in the other, and she had to look like she just stepped out of ‘Vogue’

SAMANTHA:

Well, they are idealistic. From what I hear, they want a woman to possess the adoration of a mommy, the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy Centerfold.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, I’m glad I have Harry.Can a normal person find happiness loving a naval-gazing troublemaker with an erogenous zone attattched?

CARRIE:

Well, why not? Remember, Aries is the baby of the zodiac, and babies love to be cuddles and coddled. Babies also throw tantrums. So, if one should intend to stick around longer than a quickie or two, they should understand that, to a Ram, fighting and screwing are equally arousing.

MIRANDA:

I’ll drink to that! The Chlamydia guy was good in the sack.

CARRIE:

Plus, their lust factor is that of 10. hence, they prefer hot steamy sex over love sensual foreplay. So it doesn’t really mean that he thinks you’re boring or he’s selfish. In fact, if you really just enjoy him for what he’s good at, you’ll make all the women jealous with your smile on your flushed out face. Although you might have trouble walking a week into the relationship if you know what I mean.

SAMANTHA:

Plus they are never shy. You can feel free to talk dirty and suggest anything kinky. And honey, speaking from experience, only Gemini can get kinkier. The best way to get an Aries man is giving him a good scalp massage…or better yet stroke him with your fingertips, lips, nipples, as well as the other lips on his face… and he’ll give you a “Facial” of his own (grinning naughtily)
CARRIE:

Even though they thrive on undivided attention, they adore all the trappings of romance. Moonlight and roses, candlelight and wine, or a quiet dinner, just the two of you, will thrill him.

SAMANTHA:

Not to mention thrill you afterwards.

MIRANDA:

Surprisingly, they love to cry at sad movies as much as a Cancer, and a handwritten card or poem will send him into a fit of adoring declaration… Although you better be a good listen.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, they are ambitious, and are determined to succeed. Some of the greatest career men are Aries. Always succeeding at any different path they choose…

SAMANTHA:

And becoming surprisingly good at everything they try.

SCENE: CARRIES APPARTMENT AT NIGHT, TYPING ON HER LAPTOP

Aries was the type of child that flung open the closet door and dared any monster living there to get out of your space. He was also had to get burned before he believed that the stove was really hot... he still does... and therein lies his strength... having no shame, and more nerve than a one-legged-wire walker

Nevertheless, among us all, it’s only an Aries that can win us over with their sheer innocence and naiveté. Only he can lead us to an impossible goal, for he is an eternal optimist, with a heart as warm and pure as the fires that burn within him. His metal is iron, which can produce the strongest weapons and armors to defend and protect him as well as the ones he loves. His stone is diamond, the hardest stone on earth, like his determination and strength. This endearing Don Quixote of the zodiac can run through fields of daisies and slay all the dragons (or windmills) just to win your heart, not just once but even nine times over. He’ll forever shield you from the harsh prickly pines, yet spice up your life with cayenne and cinnamon. Sweep you off your feet and take you to wherever you desire, be it England, Germany or even Canada to see the Niagara Falls. If you want someone who can give you unlimited excitement and a fun filled action packed life, a rollercoaster ride through the highs, lows and loopholes of life. Look no further, the infant of Mars is for you.

Lemme know what you guys think... i've written about other signs as well

posted February 13, 2006 02:55 AM            

Take a bow!

posted February 13, 2006 03:10 AM            

p.s. I havent seen many 'Sex in the City' programs, but the ones I have seen... FRUSTRATE THE HELL out of me!!! Can a woman analyse a man so deeply??!! Arghhhh!!!! It makes the male logic seem shallow and insignificant by comparison - behold the new anylytical master:- Woman.

My girl likes sex in the city, which worries me a little lol You say you have done scenes for other signs, have you done one about Gemini? I'd love to see it, because I'd send it to my girl.

posted February 13, 2006 09:20 AM              

Super Work!

GemStar

posted February 13, 2006 09:59 AM              

quote:

---

Can a woman analyse a man so deeply??!!

---

posted February 13, 2006 04:45 PM              

THanks for the nice response... And here's Taurus:

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE BRUNCHING AT A NEW TRENDY BISTRO ON PARK AVENUE

CARRIE:

(VOICE OVER)

The word “zodiac” originates from the Greek Zodiakos, meaning “circle of animals”. The Greeks had another word, Zoon (Zoh-on) that, loosely translated, meand “zoo”, a perfect description of the celestial soap opera upon which the practice of astrology is based. The real force behind our collective romantic fantasies was a not-so-charming bunch of eternal beings that amused themselves by getting down and dirty up in the celestial firmament. Three thousand years, before what’s her name shot JR in Dallas, the heavens were ruled by a cast of characters whose traits of jealousy, deception, sexual license, and revenge made the Ewings look like the Waltons.

SAMANTHA:

You know, according to this website poll, and personal experience. Taurus is considered to have the biggest dicks in the zodiac… Scorpio being a close second of course.

CARRIE:

Maybe that’s why there’s that term, “Hung like a Bull!”

MIRANDA:

Well that figures, most of the famous male porn stars are Taurus.

CHARLOTTE:

Really?

SAMANTHA:

Well, there’s Peter North, Rocco Sifredi to name a few, along with Dean Phoenix.

CARRIE:

Isn’t Dean Phoenix a gay porn star?

SAMANTHA:

Yeah, and hot as hell. According to one source, Taurus was traditionally known as the sign of Beauty.

MIRANDA:
(Sarcastically)

Yeah, a beauty that keeps increasing its waist line every year of the relationship

CHARLOTTE:

Miranda! You shouldn’t say that.

SAMANTHA:

Honey, in a way she is right, Taurus loves excess of anything, from food to sex. Sometimes they mix the two. And the best part is you don’t need to make a huge effort.

CHARLOTTE:

Do explain

SAMANTHA:

Well, when you wanna get them in the sack, you don’t need to waste any time or money, buying all sorts of sexy underwear or lingerie…

CARRIE:

Or Manolo’s. Aidan was a Taurus…

SAMANTHA:

… As I was saying, you just need to invite the Bull over for a home-cooked meal, or in my case delivery from a gourmet restaurant. Spread the feast on a blanket between throw pillows on the floor, and get naked.

CHARLOTTE:
Just get naked during a meal?

SAMANTHA:

Honey, naked turns Taurus on. Naked with chocolate will drive one to multiple orgasm nirvana. Naked with chocolate infront of the food channel could damn well kill an older Bull.

CHARLOTTE:

Yuck, I cant believe anyone would find that turning on! I always thought Taurus was the sensualist of the zodiac.

CARRIE:

Along with the stamina of a long-haul trucker.

MIRANDA:

Unfortunately, they have the same amount of finesse. A Bull’s idea of a romantic evening is pizza, chocolate, and sex.

SAMANTHA:

Or sex with chocolate followed by a pizza, all eaten and performed in or near the bed.

CARRIE:

Bingo on that one. When I was with Aidan, he would be snoring away to sleep, and I’d be spending the rest of the night, trying to sleep on bits of pepperoni and picking melted M&Ms outta my hair… and elsewhere

ALL THE GIRLS IN UNISION:

Eeeww!

CHARLOTTE:

I always thought a Taurus man to be patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower of strength on whom you can lean. With simple needs like a home and hearth, a good partner, and a nest egg for the rainy day.

MIRANDA:

Easy Charlotte, Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what you’re likely to get is an army-boot mentality.

CHARLOTTE:

A what?

MIRANDA:

Well, when you hook up with a Bull, and its either do things his way, or do your own thing alone.

CARRIE:

Like when I used to go out in town with you girls while Aidan stayed in at my place passing out on the couch with a pizza slice on his shirt and an empty 6 pack of buds lying around the carpet.

CHARLOTTE:

But Aidan was so sweet, (turning to Miranda) remember how he helped you when you were lying on the floor naked and unable to move!

MIRANDA:

Don’t remind me.

CARRIE:

Still, Aidan was still insecure. I mean despite I apologized profusely for cheating on him earlier, and went deeper and deeper into the relationship, he still kept reminding me of my one mistake. Sure it wasn’t a small one, but cant the man give it a rest?

MIRANDA:

What do you expect honey. Bulls have the shortest memories of their own imperfections, and the quickest finger to point out yours. They are all possessive about everything and anything.

SAMANTHA:

Yeah, but they are also a great f*ck

CARRIE:

I’ll drink to that!

SAMANTHA:

Smooth, slow sensual ones. They are all the classic romantics that love to give you long sensual massages, with followed by warm luxuriant baths… and lets not forget those bear hugs.

CARRIE:
(smiling fondly)

Aidan was hands-down the best hugger. It’s also the best way to make up after a fight. Bulls rarely turn down a full body hug.

SAMANTHA:

Followed by slow sensual sex.

CHARLOTTE

Valentino was a Taurus you…

SAMANTHA:

So is George Clooney! I’d let him lick chocolate off my body!

SCENE: CARRIE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTON IN THE APPARTMENT LATER THAT NIGHT

CARRIE:
(Voice over)

Are there any tangible benefits to sticking by this stubborn, sometimes exasperating hardhead? Yes, Wonderful ones. That is if you want a partner who prefers an evening with you along to making rounds of the lastest hot spots. And one whose taste runs to understated elegance and definite comfort

Bulls refuse to hurry, and this includes under the covers. Forget the nooner or a quickie before your dinner company arrives. Bulls prefer leisurely sex, and the foreplay starts in his or her mind hours before the deed. A Bull will love a teasing phone call at work or an early-morning hint of what to expect if her is on time for dinner. Subtlety is the keyword.

Bulls aren’t the least bit prudish. However, they are selective about with whom and where they exhibit their earthy nature. He may think its great to tell off-color jokes and let his chauvinistic side shine at his weekly outing with your friends. But, when in public, he will observe the proprieties at all times, and rarely be anything but charming and reerved. Taurus is one sign that, without exception, totally separates his or her private life from public persona.

Although Taurean ideas are always sensible, they can also sparkle with the clarity and depth of fifteen precious sapphires that add up to six kinds of good fortune, as he doubles his money under the benign smile of the gods. There's nothing small about Taurus, including his capacity for lasting love and his potential for wealth. Copper, the Taurean metal, is an excellent conductor of electricity and heat, and it glows with burnished beauty through years of use and wear. Let the excitable ones scurry and squabble for first place. The bull's fixed nature needs no flaming torches to light the way to the security he seeks. Eventually success will come to him, and he will be ready. Because the far-off Venus showers him with the love of luxury, he pays dearly for his possessions and treasures them for a lifetime; yet he's the sworn enemy of waste and extravagance. His home is his castle-and let no man disturb the peace of the bull. Taurus is as patient as time itself, as deep as the forest, with a dependable strength that can move mountains. But he's stubborn.

Lemme know what you think

posted February 13, 2006 09:18 PM            

You know what I think would be a good idea?
Cosmopolitan magazine is always doing Astrology features, and is closely related with sex and the city, and all us women love both with a fervour..
Submit a teaser to Cosmo... make it a feature! Get this published!!!!

Seriously~!

posted February 13, 2006 10:36 PM            

You're a gifted astro-writer -- and I liked the final paragraph on Taureans from Linda's Sun Signs!

posted February 14, 2006 04:40 AM              

Thanks for your lovely responses. I'm really flattered with all the amazing things you've said.

Although to be honest. I am basically inspired by the two books by Hazel Dixon Cooper, "Born on a Rotten Day" and "Love on a Rotten Day". I just felt that the writings of both books really fit the style of the Sex and the City Characters. So calling it an original work would certainly be a big injustice on my part. For I am just like a middleman, combining both aspects and creating it into something funny, witty, yet educational in certain ways.

I hope you still like what i have to offer

Here's Gemini (Dedicated to Betelgeuse's Daughter)
*~*~*~*~*

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE AT A NEW TRENDY FUSION RESTAURANT IN THE ULTRA TRENDY SOHO DISTRICT, DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF GEMINI.

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

I can’t help wonder, if Bob Dylan was mentioning the standard Gemini mantra when he said, “Just because you like my stuff, doesn’t mean I owe you anything”? For you see, Gemini’s are rarely guilty and never owe anyone anything. Should the emotion flicker across their souls, he would just quickly shrug it off.

According to astrologer, Hazel Dixon Cooper, Twins are the kings of the one-night stand, and even marriage won’t necessarily slow them down. Amoral versus Immoral, Twins think its perfectly acceptable (for them of course) to say he loves you madly, then dash off to their next rendezvous and repeat the whole scenario with someone else. The difference between this and a Leo who’s carving notches on the headboard, or any Water Sign (a.k.a. Cancer {the mama’s boy}, Scorpio {the obsessive cess-pool of Jealousy}, and Pisces {the addicition-holic}), is that a Gemini says the words of love because he thinks you need to hear them. Not because he means them.

CHARLOTTE:

What I can’t understand, why are Geminis called two-faced? Isn’t that like saying they have multiple personality disorders.

MIRANDA:
(Sarcastically)

That’s because they have multiple personalities. Only difference is that they have twenty faces, not just two.

CHARLOTTE:

Really?

MIRANDA:

Yes really! Trust me, sometimes while spending a day with one, or even a night for that matter, it feels like you’re talking to an entire crowd, speaking in the same voice. Gemini’s are also considered sexually ambiguous because of their multiple personalities.
SAMANTHA:

I guess that’s why Boy George, who is also a Gemini, aptly said that in his view we’re all made up of equal parts of Rambo and Lucille Ball!

(All girls laugh hysterically)

CARRIE:

That reminds me of something I heard of another famous Gemini, Paul Gauguin.

MIRANDA:

Who the f*ck is he?

CHARLOTTE:

Oh I know him, he was an artist who was rumored to be the bisexual lover of Vincent Van Gogh.

CARRIE:

Yeah, that’s not all. Before that he had a wife and five kids, whom he left to pursue art. And after he used and abused Vinny Van Gogh, he drifted off to Tahiti, where he is rumored to have taken a thirteen year old lover.

CHARLOTTE:
(Eyes wide with shock)

Well! It’s no wonder Nancy Matthews, a historian who researched about him said that he was a bully and abusive husband. And how she began to see how unpopular he was during his lifetime, and how his habits were so in-your-face in a sexual way. Apparently it’s also rumored Van Gogh cut his ear off because of Gaughin.

SAMANTHA:

Oh honey, all Gemini’s love being a bad boy. Just look at Errol Flynn. He was married 3 times and cheated on all of his wives.

MIRANDA:

Yeah! I believe it was his first wife, French actress Lilly Damita, who said about him, “You never know when he’d telling the truth. He lied for the fun of it.”

CARRIE:

But in a way it’s unfair to call them liars. Their definition of “the truth” differs greatly from the rest of the world. Well, that’s what they feel. They are ruled by Mercury, who according to mythology, was the god of thieves, lies, tricksters, and fast talking hustlers among many other things.

CHARLOTTE:

But it can’t be true that all Gemini’s lie and cheat?

SAMANTHA:

Well, there are a few totally faithful Gemini’s, but those are rarer than a shy Sagittarius. All Gemini men have a gypsy moth’s fatal attraction to a pretty face. And the word “Faithful” has a totally different meaning to them.

CHARLOTTE:

How can anyone have a different meaning of the word “Faithful”?

MIRANDA:

Well, look at Gemini Brigham Young, the Mormon founder of Salt Lake. The dude had twenty-seven wives. To him, I’m sure, he considered himself a devoted and faithful husband.

CARRIE:

In my mind, he was in Gemini Paradise.

SAMANTHA:

That’s why Gemini’s are best to have as a holiday fling or a *beep* buddy. Even as a rebound guy.

CHARLOTTE:

Why’s that?

CARRIE:

Well, firstly, they have an amazing sense of humor. They can make you laugh everyday.

MIRANDA:
(Sarcastically)

And then laugh with his friends at you when he tears you to pieces with his merciless, acerbic tongue.

SAMANTHA:

He can whip up an exotic gourmet meal, and make you all gushy eyed with flattery and fine wine. And then dance with you till you’re finally weak in your knees. Capturing your heart and imagination with their version of their myths.

MIRANDA:
(Sarcastically)

Only to then excuse himself to the kitchen, to call up 3 other girlfriends and book himself on his free nights, while adding your phone number, breast size, and birth control preference to his oversized “lil black-book”.

CARRIE:

It’s not Sex that they like. They are just excitement junkies, who love to talk. They are famous for talking women into bed. That’s how Berger got me. He charmed me with his wit.

MIRANDA:

Only then you found out he sucked in the sack.

CARRIE:

True, but he made me laugh.

SAMANTHA:

In the world of marketing and PR we have a phrase for that – Great advertising, lousy product.

CHARLOTTE:

Oh my god! You’re all making it sound like Gemini’s are all shallow players.

MIRANDA:

What do you expect honey? Colin Farrell is a shinny example.

SAMANTHA:

So is Johnny Depp, and frankly honey, anything is worth the effort to be with those two. Remember, Gemini is the guilty pleasure of the zodiac.

CARRIE:

See the thing with a Gemini is, you gotta be prepared for the unexpected. They are like curious lil children who forever wanna know what’s the latest hot thing. That’s why so many of them are in the media biz, especially as gossip columnist and entertainment reporters. Joan Rivers is a Gemini too you know.

SAMANTHA:

Plus, even though they don’t get all passionate like Aries and Scorpio, or all sensual like Taurus. These guys are heavily into kink. Handcuffs and roleplaying are just the tip of their kinky ice-berg. Plus, even if they weren’t blessed with the biggest dicks, they were blessed with hands and fingers that can even make a Capricorn butch-dyke cream her panties. And sometimes, that’s almost as good.

CARRIE:

Plus, lets face it honey. These men are simply irresistible. Be it JFK, or even Prince, these guys can charm even a Cancer out of their crab shell. They maybe domestically challenged and commitment phobic, but you just gotta know how to keep em.

CHARLOTTE:

And how does one manage to do that?

CARRIE:

Simple, excite him. It’s not that hard.

MIRANDA:

Just read allot, keep up with current events, but only the hot juicy stuff, like Michael Jackson’s latest no-no, or Brangelina’s pregnancy, learn to talk before, during and after sex…

SAMANTHA:

And surprise him with lil gifts to show you’ve noticed his ever changing style, and surprise him by juggling dildo’s in one hand, while unbuttoning his shirt with the other, while unbuckling his belt with your toes. Throw in some threesomes and have a list of people you can *beep* when in the relationship, he’s as good as yours.

CHARLOTTE:

So in other words...?

CARRIE:

Love from a Gemini is 50 % friendship….

MIRANDA:

20% spiritual, can be anything from kaballah to Catholicism to Pantheism…

SAMANTHA:

With 20% physical, and that leaves 10% for….

CHARLOTTE:

Emotional.

SAMANTHA:

You’ll never make him a joined-at-the-hip lover, but if you want pizzazz, variety, and a life outside your daily rut, with tons of kink, and guilt free anonymous sex, he’s your man.

SCENE: CARRIE’S APPARTMENT, CARRIE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP.

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

Even though Gemini’s are all about excitement and checking out the latest trends, atleast you cant blame them for being boring. One Gemini I knew quite well used to love inviting people over for drinks. Only thing was, each guest detested the other, and he’s sit back and watch the mayhem, grinning his mischievous 3-pointed Gemini grin. Which can be found of the Problem Child kid, and even Chucky.

Their philosophy is, “Do something, even if it’s wrong.” They may run into a brick wall and get the wind knocked out of them. But their energy scatters around the obstacle to gather again, whole, on the other side. While the rest of humanity lumber along like elephants on parade, Gemini’s dart through life adding color and imagination.

Gemini can charm a bird right out of its tree and give it five new songs to sing. But the restless Mercurial mind can too easily overlook the bluebird of happiness waiting wistfully year after year in his own backyard. He wears clear yellows, greens and blues, silver and gray-and his moods reflect his glittering aquamarine jewel. He has the light touch, echoed in the delicate fragrance of the lily-of-the-valley, and he has breathed the fresh promise of the greenest ferns in the deepest part of the forest. But the cold metal of Mercury divides Gemini with twin desires, until he stops-and waits-and listens-to his own heartbeat

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lemme know what you all think

posted February 14, 2006 06:29 AM            

Hey... I have a DAUGHTER??!! When?! Where?! How?! Who got me drunk and erased me memory?!

This is fantastic, had me laughing in stitches! Oh and I liked this;

"They may run into a brick wall and get the wind knocked out of them. But their energy scatters around the obstacle to gather again, whole, on the other side"

posted February 14, 2006 07:02 AM              

OOPS...made a big mistake...I kinda misinterpreted from your first post that you had a gemini daughter...now i feel silly :P

But I'm glad you enjoyed the post

posted February 14, 2006 10:39 PM              

(WARNING: IF you are (or in love with) a cancer and feel highly offended or negatively stirred by this post...please understand that it was in the sheer humor of it all... dont be like fellow crab, Tom Cruise and sue me for "emotional damages"... so skip this post and read the other signs... If you can stomach it all you are more than welcome to read...but remember..you have been warned)

(Plus i recently broke up with a crab... so it kinda affected my scenario)

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE HAVING LUNCH AT THE FOUR SEASONS. DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF CANCER

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

The Moon pulls on our inner, or unconscious, desires like she pulls the tides. Feminine and manipulative, she maneuvers behind the scenes, ruling our basic instincts. The sign of Cancer is ruled by the moon, so it really makes you understand how men like Tom Cruise can turn from such talented actors, into fanatical cult freaks. Sugar coated astrology says that Cancer is private, nurturing, and deeply committed to family and friends. The rotten truth however is that these crabs are oblique, manipulating, and should be committed by their families and friends. And to top it off, they come with a Mother.

SAMANTHA:

You know what really irks me at times? The way a Crab moves. It’s no wonder their human counterparts are such shifty ********

MIRANDA:

(Looking through the menu)
Speaking of which, I’ll go with the lobster.

SAMANTHA:

I’m not joking. I was watching this thing on the discovery channel the other day, and it truly made me understand why Cancer men are such emotional manipulators. They can never think straight. Unlike Aries men who charge ahead, these guys actually plot and probe every step they take. Just notice a crab walking down a beach. It’ll move to the left, then move to the right, take a few paces back, circle its prey of desire. Then out of no where, make a wild dash towards your unsuspecting big toe and latch onto it with its icky sharp claw.

CARRIE:

I can imagine, plus the fact that you have to constantly shake them off, but the little suckers wont budge. Holding onto your toe for dear life.

CHARLOTTE:

That’s not fair. Cancer men are sweet, chivalrous, and have a wonderful offbeat sense of humor. Sentimental, sensual and truly affectionate.

MIRANDA:

Sure they are Charlotte, but that’s only seeing one side of the coin. And trust me, you don’t wanna flip it. You may see an ideal mate, but what you get is an ideal stalker!

CHARLOTTE:
(wide-eyed, startled)

A What?

SAMANTHA:

Well, what can I say? A Crab’s idea of devotion is bonding at the hip. Not the crotch, the hip. His devotion may be legendary. However, don’t say “I do” until you understand that those words extends to every friend and relative he’s ever had, especially his Mother.

MIRANDA:

And it ain’t above him to wait until the honeymoon to tell you the old bat’s gonna come to live with you as soon as you return home.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, Trey did have issues with Bunny. I guess since he was a Cancer, he still let Bunny sit at the side of his tub during his baths at his family home.

ALL THE GIRLS IN UNISION:

Gross

CARRIE:

But you see sweetie. The man’s sign is ruled by the Moon, the Big Momma of the planets. That makes him hypersensitive, along with a shadowy nature that they label as being shy or reserved. And moods that change along with the lunar cycle.

MIRANDA:

Oh Jesus f-ing Christ… don’t remind me of a Cancer mood swing. The men make menopausal women seem like a slice of heaven.

CARRIE:

I guess that’s why they say even Cancer men are forever born with PMS syndrome.

SAMANTHA:

That means, Pardon-My-Sobbing syndrome. And he’s a subjective mo-fo. His favorite game is “Guess how I’m feeling?”

CHARLOTTE:

Oh that was Trey’s game alright. I was expected to read his mind, sense his moods, and mend his fragile ego. Considering the guy couldn’t get it up, it was alotta work. Unless it was for some JUGGS!

SAMANTHA:

Ah, Cancer men and their boobies.

MIRANDA:

It’s a known fact that Cancer babies take the longest time to wean from breast to bottle feed. That’s why these men are obsessed with **** . Silicone implants were probably his wet dream come true. Along with titty f*cking

SAMANTHA:

Speaking of which, ever look at the guy’s dick. They are full of potential no doubt, but they have these large bulbous heads, that kinda have a reddish or pinkish glow. The weirdest part was, that man’s name was Rudolph.

CARRIE:

Rudolph?

SAMANTHA:

You know… Rudolph the red dickhead cancer…. Had a very shiny head.

(THE GIRLS LET OUT A CACKLE OF LAUGHTER)

CARRIE:

You know, it’s pretty easy to spot a crab. Just look at their painful expressions with furrowed brows. Its as if he’s about to cry or just stopped. And they even have this permanently perplexed expression, which also resembles as if they’ve sniffed a foul odor. Just look at President Bush at the next press conference for a prime example.

SAMANTHA:

Don’t forget their mommy.

MIRANDA:

Ah yes, their mommy. You may be able to f*ck the crab without that broad rearing her ugly head, but you will never, and I repeat, never be able to marry one unless you accept the fact that first and foremost, all Cancers are tied to their Mother forever.

CARRIE:

Just look at J.M Whistler, that crab immortalized his mother in oil.

CHARLOTTE:

Or Trey for that matter.

SAMANTHA:

Whether yours adores the woman or harbors disappointments, even hatred for the old bat, you are gonna have to worship, suffer, or, at the bare-bones least, pretend to like their Mommy.

CARRIE:

Cancers remain tied to the apron strings long after most of us have run screaming from the suburbs.

CHARLOTTE:

I always used to wonder whether, Cancer author, Bryan Forbes, wrote the Stepford Wives as a tribute to his vision of the perfect mother.

MIRANDA:

Although the endurance of this sign is legendary. Cancer’s emotional pincers are just as tough as their crustacean counterparts. They have been known to hang onto food, jobs, bad relationships, and marriages way past the pull date. They are miserable. You are miserable. Both of your families and all of your friends are miserable. But those crabs just smile wanly and put on their brave-face.

CHARLOTTE:

Brave-Face?

SAMANTHA:

Ah the brave-face! One of their favorites. This consists of a slightly pursed mouth, extremely serious countenance, purposeful demeanor, and brimming eyes – clenched hands and/or teeth are optional.

CARRIE:

Walk in suspiciously late from work and you’ll see the brave-face. Or, you could find the disappointed-mom-face staring at you from across the kitchen table. This look is basically a small sigh, slight shake of the head, averted eyes, knitted brows.

SAMANTHA:

Other looks include the helpless-victim, exasperated-adult, and cold-survivor.

MIRANDA:

Beware the cold-survivor face. Whenever a crab goes into cold-survivor mode, you can be sure you’re gonna be in for anywhere from one day, to weeks or even months of punishments.

CARRIE:

Like Bree Van De Kamp of Desperate Housewives went when she found out about her husband sleeping with the town ***** . Mind you, she stuck to him, nurtured him, gave him his pills. But she never forgave him. She went out with George, the psycho pharmacist, just to tick Rex off, and then when he was suffering a heart attack, didn’t rush him to the hospital, until she made the bed to her perfection.

SAMANTHA:

Whether Geezer, Boomer, Gen-X or Gen-Y, all crabs thrive on tortured romances and hypochondria. Along with tons of paranoia. They can whip themselves into a fit of emotional turmoil over absolute trivia. You can cause one to sulk by movinf the furniture without permission, and drive one to the therapist (if they don’t have one already) if you suggest a weekend away alone.

MIRANDA:

In addition to being sick of their mother, or the old bat’s memory, you’ll have little privacy, less independence, and will have to fight for every night out without them. You also will be held accountable for everything that goes wrong within your relationship, whether it was your fault or not.

SAMANTHA:

So if you aren’t a lying, dirty cheater before you fell for a crab, you’ll soon turn into the biggest one from the sheer exhaustion of being spied upon, grilled like an FBI suspect, and subjected to never-ending emotional manipulation.

CHARLOTTE:

Really? Then all those cancer’s must be so heartbroken when so many people walk out on them? Aren’t they?

CARRIE:

Oh they do, but you see, whether they dump you, or you dump them, splitting up with a Crab will always be your fault. There’s rarely a question of whether you can survive without them, but he will try his level best to make you believe they cant survive without you only to keep you. Even when they know its over, they are capable of faking heart attacks or fatal diseases to guilt you into staying on.

SAMANTHA:

That’s why the best way to dump them is to wean them as you would wean a baby. However, this could take years. So if you aren’t prepared to get late-night phone calls to rush over and help them through an anxiety attack, or early Sunday morning calls to baby-sit the dog for the next five to six years, my advise is to end it as quickly and kindly as possible. Otherwise you have little chance of finding a new guy.

CARRIE:

Just quietly state that you are leaving, then be prepared for yours to, in no particular order, faint, try to kill you, smash the dishes, or become catatonic. If you end up getting hurt, so much the better for them, because crabby will totally feel guilty later.

CHARLOTTE:

That’s just awful.

MIRANDA:

That’s not it. While you’re hobbling out of the door, he will be on the phone with mommy, then every friend and family member, then even your mom, and inform her what a rotten ***** you are to break up this happy home. The secret to survive them is just keep your head up and walk firmly, cause these claw clackers will keep reveling in their martyrdom long after you, like Cher, hook up with a younger bagel boy and sing on top of your voice, “I found someone!”

SAMANTHA:

Or if you aren’t the dramatic type and wont hesitate a lil white lie. Tell him that you are considering becoming a foreign missionary, that you want him to move with you and become a green peace or red cross assistant. Make sure you list out the worst diseases known to man which you wanna cure, while reassuring your now green-faced crab that you “think” there are vaccines for “some” of them.

CARRIE:

Or simply demand they limit their visits to mother to once a month, instead of every other day. Either one of them can get the ball rolling.

CHARLOTTE:

But you guys, not all crabs are that bad. I mean, I know they are all clingy. But its only out of insecurity of being alone.

CARRIE:

True.

CHARLOTTE:

Plus, Cancer men are the most nurturing men ever. They are so tenderhearted that they are willing to take care of you through all tough times. Even though they do make the brave-face or whatever, they really do support you through your worst times.

SAMANTHA:

That’s right. Look at Smith. He stuck by my side through my entire ordeal with breast cancer. Plus I guess since he’s a crab, he understood my early menopausal phase with the hot flashes and loss of libido. Glad I regained the libido.

MIRANDA:

Plus unlike most men. They love foreplay, as well as after play. If Taurus gave the best hugs, these crabs are the best cuddlers and spooners. And they always stock up on after sex ice-cream.

CARRIE:

Their hypochondria is only because they are the worrywats of the zodiac. But then again, isn’t worrying, a way to show that you care?

SCENE: CARRIE’S AT HER APPARTMENT, TYPING ON HER LAPTOP.

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

All water signs are fundamentally insecure, and Cancer leads the group. Crabs don’t do independence very well. Relationships make them feel safe. Home makes them feel safe. Crabs need the familiar around them, even when they travel they pack their favorite pillow, or a photo of you, and/or a scented candle to remind him of home. They also fear ending up alone. This is why he may question your every move, and dream up a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t go anywhere without him. It’s not because they cant trust you; it’s because they cant stop worrying (caring).

There's a strong maternal instinct in both sexes. They're always trying to stuff hot food into you, or bundle you up against the damp, night air. Cancerians baby their friends and loved ones and hover over them protectively. It's hard to tell which stirs the lunar emotions more deeply-children, food or money.
The crab's sensitive nature is covered with a hard shell, and he's wise enough to avoid the stormy seas. Half the time he lives on dry land, the other half in deep waters. He wears the luminous, pale gold and shimmering colors of moonlight, and hides his powerful emotions behind the pale green, mauve and lavender tints of modesty.
There's a touch of Moon madness in every Cancerian. He knows a wild and secret place where two lilies and seven white roses grow among the iris. Sometimes the memory of this faraway garden causes him to explode with laughter. Now and then it causes him to weep with sadness. Cancer patiently gathers the emeralds, pearls and moon-stones carelessly dropped in the sand by others, as he waits for the tides to wash his silver dreams ashore.

~*~*~*~

Lemme Know what you guys think

posted February 16, 2006 05:57 AM              

I am impressed and amazed. It's like you took all my posts from the past year and made them into sex in the city episodes.

posted February 16, 2006 12:15 PM              

Thanks for your kind words. For a moment there i thought people didnt like my cancer post and hence didnt respond.

Anyway, Here's my take on Leo... Hope you all enjoy it.

SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE AT A NEW LOUNGE BAR IN SOHO, DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF LEO

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

Mae West once said in true leonine nature, “I have never loved another person the way I love myself.” That should truly sum up any Leo up, be it male or female. When dealing with the sign of the Lion, one must remember Leo’s planetary ruler, The Sun! Just like good ol’ sol, has all the planets revolving around it, the male lion expects the entire world to revolve around them. And just like the sun, Leo expects to be the center of your own universe. Astrology says that Leo is a Fixed sign, that means they do have a stubborn streak and are always right. At least they think so. The only area they really do seem fixed is either in their extremely high opinion of themselves. Or on top of your panting, sweating, worn-out body.

Leo’s are theatrical, not practical. Their constant need for attention often negates their playful, happy nature. And when they lose contact with that part of themselves, they become selfish tyrants roaring through life creating misery. Being born with the instant-gratification gene overshadowing any ability to understand the value of nurturing an idea or relationship. Argue with one, and they’ll roar with indignant fury. Win your argument, and the lion will silently stare at you, then retreat into the shadows to plan its next attack.

Cancer maybe the drama queen. But Leo’s definitely the Diva!

CHARLOTTE:

You know, I was reading this astrology book the other night. It said that Leo rules the astrological house of creativity and sex, and are proud, self-assured, exuberant, fun lovers who are loyal, generous and elegant.

MIRANDA:

I can bet you a million bucks that a Leo astrologer wrote that book. Truth is, Lions are attention grabbing, over-bearing maniacs whose childish, self-centered behavior is exceeded only by their obnoxious attempts to boss around everyone else.

CHARLOTTE:

That’s not true. Leo men can be either pushy, loud, and brash, or just quiet and dignified.

CARRIE:

You’re mistaking the word quiet for shy. There ain’t no such thing as a shy lion.

SAMANTHA:

Except in Speedo’s. Let’s face it. They may have the well rounded pecs and firm abs of a Greek God, but there is a very Freudian reason as to why Leo is known for his ego.

CHARLOTTE:

But I always thought a Leo male was a warm hearted, generous, and dignified, genuine romantic, whom you won’t have to tempt twice to go for a moonlit stroll or to your favorite hideaway for the weekend?

MIRANDA:

He is, as long as he gets to be center of attention. Leo’s are always the center of the universe. They thrive upon, demand, and need your undivided attention at all times.

CARRIE:

They don’t walk into a room. They make an entrance.

MIRANDA:

In other words, flouncing into the kitchen for dinner and slamming the door when he gets back from work in order to make you notice them.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, maybe they are a bit dramatic.

SAMANTHA:

A bit? Surely you cant be that naïve.

MIRANDA:

They live for high drama. A lion’s sense of self importance is inflated to the point of idiocy. A Leo will snap off orders with the crispness of a general ordering his troops and expect you to move at double time to wait on him hand and foot. He demands your respect, whether he deserves it or not. Should he remember your birthday, nothing but a blatant display of fawning will satisfy his ego

SAMANTHA:

In other words, they expect you to thank them profusely for allowing you the pleasure of giving them head. They’ll however, rarely ever go down on you, and will not like the fact that you didn’t swallow. Flattery and a nipple ring will get you everywhere with this Jungle Cat.

CARRIE:

They consider themselves too important for such menial labors as taking out the garbage, or cleaning the toilet.

SAMANTHA:

Or even putting the seat down for that matter.

MIRANDA:

And they are Lazy. Unless of course he is trying to impress you with how humble and helpful they are. Ego does lead to being delusional at times.

CARRIE:

Although, they can be generous to a fault. In fact, they have a tendency to be the check grabbers, big spenders, and over-tippers of the zodiac.

MIRANDA:

Wonderful news, unless its every penny of your hard earned money that he happily spends to impress the second cousin of his boss’s nephew’s new squeeze.

SAMANTHA:

However, these guys love to party. They cannot stay home on a Saturday night. Why else do you think the business of PR was invented.

CHARLOTTE:

But they seem so charming and laid back?

MIRANDA:

Laid back means lazy. Like all fire signs, this one comes with a temper. Although he rarely loses his temper as long as you call him “master” while bowing in respect.

SAMANTHA:

The leather S&M outfit is optional in that case.

MIRANDA:

Challenge his authority, and he will roar, kick the sofa, and issue a couple of ultimatums designed to strike fear in your heart. As soon as the scene is over, everything is forgotten. And he’ll forgive and forget every thing you did or said he found undignified. Even though he did all the bad talking.

CARRIE:

But one thing he can never forgive you for is shattering his ego.

SAMANTHA:

Be stupid enough to deliberately wound a Lion’s pride or, worse, attack his dignity, and you’ll soon feel like a pound of ground round being sized up for dinner.

CHARLOTTE:

That’s awful. He sounds like a dictatorial bully!

CARRIE:

Well, if he’s a quiet (not shy) lion, he’ll be a benevolent dictator who wants you to hover over him constantly.

SAMANTHA:

He’ll want you to rub his aching shoulders and tell him how fit, strong, and well hung he is, no matter what his age or his Viagra dosage is.

MIRANDA:

And while you do that, he wont waste a minute to tell you that your hair is a mess, your ass is too big, and that you have the intelligence of a gnat. When you burst into tears, he’ll be genuinely shocked because, in his mind, he was only trying to give you the “benefit of his wise counsel”.

CARRIE:

Look at Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. In typical leonine fashion, after berating, humiliating, and lecturing Eliza Doolittle, he refuses to praise her efforts and, instead, takes credit for her success.

SAMANTHA:

In typical leonine befuddlement, Higgins runs, shouting for his mother when the girl finally tells him to get lost.

MIRANDA:

Eliza must be a Capricorn. That’s the only sign brave enough along with Scorpio to give a lion a much deserved kick in the ass.

SAMANTHA:

He’s also a sucker for a pretty face. However, even if you are not the hottest gal in the room, you can still bag him if you are expensively dressed and wearing real gold jewelry.

CARRIE:

Expensive not to be confused with tastefully. They don’t care if your leopard skin leotard matches your elephant hide boots, as long as they look genuine.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, fellow Leo Andy Warhol did say, “I am a deeply superficial person”. At least it shows they are honest about themselves.

MIRANDA:

Only because they even love their flaws. Although a Leo has none, to him even his flaws are his strengths.

SAMANTHA:

He’s so vain, he’ll even consider a compliment about his hair to be genuine. The fact that he’s as bald as Woody Harrelson won’t occur in his ego bursting head.

CARRIE:

He is cocky. At his worst he’s like a combination of Felix the Cat and Napoleon on steroids.

MIRANDA:

He’ll wear dark glasses at night and make passes at anything that walks, crawls, or slithers, and is female (or pretends to be). He’ll spend money faster than you can earn it. And by the time he’s forty, he’ll painfully resemble an ageing teenage hoodlum with an oversized beer gut spilling allover his extra tight Levi’s.

SAMANTHA:

Haven’t you noticed that Leo men always look taller than they really are?

CARRIE:

This is because they all either wear shoes with lifts or cowboy boots with four inch heels.

CHARLOTTE:

Well, it was rumored that Napoleon invented high-heeled shoes for himself, not Josephine.

SAMANTHA:

I remember my old Leo boyfriend back in high school. He would drive a monster pickup that I had to use a ladder to climb into. When he skid into my driveway after knocking over the mailbox, he’d lean on the horn until I appeared. He’d then kick open the passenger door with one of his four hundred dollar steel toed boots. Ever the gallant, when he noticed he couldn’t see my eyes over the running board, he’d jump out to assist me in, gleefully chanting, “Gropin n hopin”, while standing behind me.

CHARLOTTE:

Then why did you, or why would anyone wanna date or even put up with a leo?

SAMANTHA:

Cause the sex is real good. He may not have the drive of a Capricorn, the sensuality and dick of a Taurus, or the sheer prowess of a Scorpio. But this Jungle Cat knows how to make you roar.

MIRANDA:

I’ll drink to that.

SAMANTHA:

Once in the sack, continuously spouting an adoring string of adjectives to keep your lion happy will always work. Sure it may seem shallow, but to the human jungle cat, this is tantamount to purring. The first session will always be primal, noisy, and athletic. But being the lover of strength, he wouldn’t mind you taking control. And in session number two, he’ll happily roll over and it’ll be slower, tender, and last longer.

CARRIE:

Just like Steve Carrell in the 40 year old Virgin. Round one lasted 2 minutes. Round two lasted two hours, including a fantasy dream sequence to a song and dance routine to The Age of Aquarius. Although Leo’s rarely remain virgins for that long.

MIRANDA:

Plus, the term “Sunny Disposition” fits this guy perfectly. They are trusting, idealistic, humane, and very intelligent. His nature includes a generosity of spirit and fair play as well as the monetary. A Leo will be the first to loan you money, or let you crash at his house when you lost your job.

SAMANTHA:

Although Leo’s are huge flirts and not really chastity personified. Once in love for real, they rarely stray. Look at me after Smith!

SCENE: CARRIE’S APPARTMENT… CARRIE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP

CARRIE:
(Voiceover)

Out of bed, a little TLC ands regular nights out on the town will keep a Lion purring. Leo appreciates a clean, well-appointed home. Although they love luxury, this doesn’t mean you have to hire a decorator. They love comfort. Lion’s are basically lazy and like to come home and fall on an over stuffed couch or favorite chair and put up their feet. For you, keep thinking luxury for food, clothing, etc. Leo’s love flair. So even if yours is on a diet, pay attention to the way you serve his or her salad and low fat dressing. Presentation is everything. And packaging as well. This includes food, decorating, and you.

No matter what your age, think young. Even Leo’s well past retirement usually look younger than their age. More importantly, they act young all their lives. The Sun, like Madonna, is ageless, so is your Leo. What better way to spend your life with someone who loves to laugh, refuses to submit to a rocking chair, and has a zest for living?

Leo is a fiercely loyal friend, a just but powerful enemy, creative and original, strong and vital-whether he's a quiet or a flamboyant lion, for there are both kinds. He dresses in glorious raiment, appropriate to his colorful personality. We overlook his arrogance, his sometimes insufferable ego, his rather ridiculous spells of vanity and laziness, because his heart, like his metal, is pure gold.
Brimming over with fun and generosity, affectionate lion prances in a field of poppies when his Sun is high in the sky-and the dice he throws with confidence bear the numbers one and four. Leo proudly wears a topaz for luck, then pushes it too far, but he has a true inner dignity and grace that lets him carry his misfortunes with courage. The warm, yellow rays of his cheerful hope deepen to orange in the sunset's glow, and his nights are bright with a thousand stars.

~*~*~*~*~

Lemme know what you guys think