posted June 09, 2006 10:24 AM
Hey all.Here's Sagittarius. I'm really sorry for the delays. I will absolutely try my best to post the remaining 3 signs ASAP.
I just wanna thank you guys for all your love and support through all the hard times i was going through while writing these posts. You all are really wonderful and very supportive, and i feel honored to have you an enjoy my writing.
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SCENE: THE GIRLS ARE AT SAMANTHA’S HAVING A GIRLS NIGHT, DISCUSSING THE SIGN OF SAGITTARIUS
CARRIE:
(Voiceover)
According to mythology, Jupiter had one hell of a reputation. He was a womanizer, a serial cheater, had a temper like a lightening bolt – fast and temporary, and was a terrible example as a parent. It’s no wonder that when we look at the Sagittarius Male we see the following qualities radiating. Many of us believe them to be gregarious, honest, fun-loving people, who are born philosophers and love to travel. The truth, however, is that this tactless vociferous bore galumphs through life with one foot caught in a bucket and the other lodged firmly between his overdeveloped jaw.
Exasperatingly gauche, and without a shred of social elegance, Sagittarius gallops through life looking for the next adventure. More relaxed than Aries, less of an attention starved drama queen than Leo, Sagittarius bound through life with a slaphappy grin, trying to impress you with brainpower. They can talk for hours under every topic under the sun, especially ones he knows absolutely nothing about. Due to the fact that Jupiter bestows upon them a god-like, holier-than-thou complex, these serial romancers think they know everything and spend their time trying to educate the rest of us. Whether we like it or not!
Some astrologers believe that the sign rules the hips on the human body, owing to the fact that Sag’s win all the college bump-and-grind championship trophies. Others believe the sign rules the lower back, which chronically aches from being such a pain in the ass!
MIRANDA:
Did you know Sagittarius make the world’s best serial killers?
CHARLOTTE:
(Horrified)
What?!?!
CARRIE:
I thought that Scorpio’s would fall into that category?
MIRANDA:
Nope, it’s Sagittarius. It’s all due to the fact that they have a ton of repressed fury hidden beneath that dopy court-jester grin of theirs. Their anger is both unpredictable and finished, just like a lightening bolt, as soon as it cracks through the air to deafen you. Scorpios are too meticulous and obsessive to do anything that random to be termed a “serial killer.”
CARRIE:
Well, come to think of it, Ted Bundy, Billy the Kid, were Sagittarians, along with Lucky Luciano.
SAMANTHA:
Well, I’ve always thought outlaws were sexy in their own way.
CHARLOTTE:
Oh come on, you mean to say that all Sagittarius men become serial killers whenever they get angry? That’s stretching it a bit don’t you think?
MIRANDA:
Well, the extreme types would. The regular varieties rarely blow their top, and instead of punching you, they’d put a fist through the door and shout vile epithets about your family heritage.
CARRIE:
Well, they aren’t tactless for nothing you know.
SAMANTHA:
Oh please! Tactless is an understatement for these loudmouths. When I was working out at the gym the other day, this Jake Gyllenhaal look-a-like was giving me the eye all day long, and when I went over to flirt with him, all he had to say was, “You’re awfully confident for somebody with such small boobs.”
ALL THE GIRLS:
(Break out into laughter)
CHARLOTTE:
But I always figured Sag men to be honest, trusting, eternally optimistic people who never restrict your freedom or expect you to drop your nights out with friends in the favor of staying home with him?
MIRANDA:
That’s cause he wants you out of the house, so that he can feel free to wander any local pickup bar, and openly stare down the cleavage of some unsuspecting Libra who’d take it as a compliment.
SAMANTHA:
This is a sign of half beast-half man, hence like an animal he spends his entire youth and most of his adulthood in continual heat. And like a man, he just wants the sex, not you.
CHARLOTTE:
That’s ridiculous! Sagittarius men want a companion to accompany them on spontaneous outings to wander the world, hence making life an exciting adventure to explore.
SAMANTHA:
Sweetie, just because he’s an overgrown boy-scout that can quote Shakespeare while simultaneously unhooking your bra in a bible study class, doesn’t mean he’s an exciting partner.
CARRIE:
And the only reason he wants to wander the world is because to him, home is just a place to drop in when he needs a change of underwear and a shower.
MIRANDA:
He is adventurous yes. But only because he can happily love in a cave for months, eating crickets and contemplating the karmic purpose of his pubic hair.
SAMANTHA:
Even if you marry him, it’ll still seem like you’re single. Perfect for someone like me, before Smith that is!
CHARLOTTE:
But Sagittarius men are so unpredictable, surprising us with roses and goodies just for the sake of it.
SAMANTHA:
The roses wouldn’t be de-thorned, and he would have eaten up most of the chocolates by the time the box reaches you.
MIRANDA:
Plus they have no tolerance for moods or anyone who is remotely needy. To be needed means that he has to be reliable, and to be reliable means that he has to stay home and have a serious conversation once in a while. And to him, a serious conversation means deciding whether to go to camping, or strip bar hopping with his buds.
CARRIE:
They are impulsive to the core. I knew this woman who sent her sag husband out for milk.
CHARLOTTE:
And he never returned? Carrie, even I don’t believe such clichés.
CARRIE:
No, he did return, but instead of milk, he came home with a midnight flight ticket to Peru.
CHARLOTTE:
A ticket? Don’t you mean a pair of tickets for the two of them?
CARRIE:
Well, that’s what my friend wanted to know. He explained, in his typical blunt sag style, that they both knew he had more fun alone.
MIRANDA:
Figures, the poor girl would probably spend half her time dragging him out of the local hotspots where he would be learning the local translation of “What’s your sign hot stuff?” from the natives, and the other half tracking him through the jungle as he searches for the meaning of life. Or a patch of bushes to pee on.
SAMANTHA:
She’s probably better of staying home, hoping he gets kidnapped by a pack of pygmies.
CHARLOTTE:
Carrie? Didn’t your friend fight with him over his selfishness?
CARRIE:
Fight? With a Sagittarius? Sweetie she isn’t suicidal.
MIRANDA:
Like all fire signs, (Aries and Leo), Sagittarius men have enormous egos. Fighting with them will only provoke a screaming match, or result in him throwing the river rocks you collected on your camping trip last summer through your thousand-dollar stained glass window.
SAMANTHA:
Accusing him of something he feels is absolutely untrue, which is what he considers anything others might find a flaw, he wont hesitate to tell everyone in town what a dirty b*tch you are.
CHARLOTTE:
Oh come on you guys, you’re exaggerating beyond belief.
SAMANTHA:
Sweetie, everything about a Sagittarius is exaggerated.
CARRIE:
Honesty for him means saying “Yes sweetie, you’re a*s does look fat in that dress”. And his sense of adventure is limited to navigating the basement stairs barefoot without turning on the light.
MIRANDA:
And the disaster that would happen there. These guys are more accident prone than an Aries driving a Ferrari on the highway while getting unprotected head from a hooker well in her times.
CARRIE:
And their attention span can at times seem shorter than a Gemini with ADD.
SAMANTHA:
Tell me about it. When I was in my teens I dated this Sagittarius baseball player in high school. On our very first date, he began f*cking me in the backseat of his dad’s pick up truck.
CARRIE:
I thought that’s your idea of a perfect date?
SAMANTHA:
True, but it isn’t really perfect when he drops you on the floor inbetween the deed, only to zip up his pants and head over to the tramp that flashed him her DD cups in the car parked next to us.
CARRIE:
Gives a whole new meaning to the term “f*ck and run”
CHARLOTTE:
That’s an unfair generalization, Sagittarius men can’t just dump a woman in the middle of sex. Can they?
SAMANTHA:
Honey, a Sagittarius can easily dump after f*cking you on the first date, as well as the tenth. Although it’s rare to get past a third with them.
MIRANDA:
And if this combination of Curious George and Scrappy Doo decides to dump you, it will be as fast and unceremoniously as he or she picked you up in the first place.
CARRIE:
The most you can hope for is the five minute speech of “I need my space!”
MIRANDA:
At the worst, he will describe the new f*ck toy he’s been screwing behind your back and expect your understanding, because after all, you and he both knew ‘you’ were never that great in bed.
CHARLOTTE:
But I always thought Sag men are sweet, funny, and spiritual people who have simple needs and like to live life to the fullest.
(All the girls guffaw at her naïveté)
CARRIE:
Funny? Sag guys? You got to be kidding.
SAMANTHA:
Sure, they have laughs that remind you of a rabid horse, but these guys can’t even tell a joke to save their lives.
MIRANDA:
Their idea of sophisticated humor is Jim Carrey drinking breast milk directly from a lactating mother in Me, Myself, and Irene.
CARRIE:
Not to forget the practical jokes they love playing on people which they feel is all in good-humor.
MIRANDA:
Only problem is, like cancer, this guy can dish it out, but can’t take it himself, except instead of plotting some manipulative guilt trip like those crabs, he’d take the comment dead seriously and begin to defend himself, obnoxiously demanding an apology from the person who told him the joke. Leave aside the fact that the Sag claimed he couldn’t make out that the other person’s toupee was fake.
CARRIE:
Tell him an intelligently witty anecdote, and he’ll only get it after it’s explained thrice.
MIRANDA:
As for spiritual, these guys can change religions faster than Madonna changes her hair. Like their sex lives, they swing from being a rebellious catholic, to a politically incorrect atheist, to a born again Jehovah’s Witness, and finally a pseudo Hindu mystic claiming to perform numerous tantric sex healing rituals for a fast buck.
SAMANTHA:
The only sexual healing he would know would come from a Czechoslovakian porn flick in the seventies.
CHARLOTTE:
Well, look at Nostradamus. He’s also a Sagittarius; he doesn’t fit any description you’ve set forth.
SAMANTHA:
Sweetie, Nostradamus had the distinct Sagittarian penchant for expounding on the mysteries of the world.
CARRIE:
Like a typical Sagittarius, his visions were not only voluminous, totaling more than one thousand, but were carefully crafted, allowing endless interpretations.
MIRANDA:
So in other words, whatever happened, he could take the credit of prophesizing the event. Only a Sagittarius would be that audacious and irresponsible as to predict events two thousand years into the future.
SAMANTHA:
And only a Sagittarius could do it with such a flair for the art of bullsh*t.
CHARLOTTE:
But I always thought they were the most laid back men to date?
SAMANTHA:
That’s because Sag men are the only men in the universe born to be single.
CARRIE:
They wont care how you dress, who your friends are, or where you spend your time, as long as you don’t bother them with the details.
MIRANDA:
That’s because he’s too busy elucidating his latest theory for solving all the problems of the world, or the differences between a member of the NRA and the KKK.
CHARLOTTE:
Well, at least it shows they believe in having a cause to fight for. That’s an admirable quality.
CARRIE:
That’s because they aren’t happy unless they have a cause.
MIRANDA:
Be it to abolish poverty, or fighting for more jelly doughnuts in the office snack box, they just need an excuse to unleash all that Jupiterain self-righteous zeal.
CARRIE:
That’s why most of them are Republicans, self-righteousness is what they’re all about. Despite their sexual desires and so called humanitarian aspects, they’re the same republican candidates who contest in the bible belt, belting out quotes from the book of revelations, and bad-mouthing homosexuals.
SAMANTHA:
And the very same Sag Republicans take barely legal boys to their hotel rooms and teach them a thing or two about the wonders of the world. Guess what they shout when they’re c*mming?
CHARLOTTE:
What?
SAMANTHA:
Praise the lord!
(All the girls begin laughing except Charlotte who seems put off with the idea.)
CHARLOTTE:
You mean to say that it’s an absolute waste of time to have anything to do with a Sagittarius guy apart from a one night stand?
CARRIE:
Well, they are perfect for that, but even though they fear commitment more than a Cancer woman fears her son’s Libra girlfriend, Sagittarius men can make good husbands.
CHARLOTTE:
Yeah? Like what?
CARRIE:
Well, first of all, Sags are one of the least routine loving signs of the zodiac.
CHARLOTTE:
So are Gemini’s.
MIRANDA:
That’s because Gemini’s are easily bored. Sag on the other hand doesn’t like routine because every one of them has an unending thirst to learn about life’s diversity. And once learned, he feels a need to share that knowledge with others. This means you!
SAMANTHA:
Imagine what it can do with your sex life? They are born with a great deal of physical and sexual stamina and need regular exercise in, as well as out of bed. Since they are also the easiest lay in the world, you can count on them for fulfilling even your most wildest sexual fantasy, from the swing, to the BDSM work shop.
CARRIE:
Plus this is one sign that rarely goes to bed angry. You can have a shouting match over dinner and be bouncing on the innersprings before the dishes are dry. Their blood runs hot and very often, so in a way, fighting with him is like foreplay.
CHARLOTTE:
Well, that does sound promising.
MIRANDA:
Whether it’s a trip around the world, or just playing Tarzan in your living room, they crave adventure. They need frequent escapes from their overbooked schedules, hence it’s always best to keep an overnight bag packed with toiletries and spare underwear, because they’re the one sign who’d love to take you for those long weekends in Vermont.
CHARLOTTE:
Well, I guess it’s not as bad as I thought.
SAMANTHA:
The best part is honey, to them the bed is the least favorite place to f*ck. It’s broing and this sign lives for the next adventure or thrill. So you can expect tons of sex on the kitchen table, in the stairwell of your apartment, at his or your office, on the front lawn, or under the stars in a forest. And this is only the first week of knowing him.
CHARLOTTE:
(Wide-eyed)
Really?
SAMANTHA:
Of course honey! They don’t give a sh*t about scented oils, candlelight, satin sheets or sexy lingerie. They get off on spontaneous combustion. As long as you can keep thinking up new places, and keep a running conversation about myriad subjects, and perhaps even a sexy-nun outfit for some special occasions, you’ll have him constantly craving to keep combusting with you.
SCENE: CARRIE’S APPARTMENT WHERE SHE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP.
CARRIE:
(Voice over)
Sagittarians fall in love just as deeply as any other sign. The difference is that they are not clinging vines, nor do they want, or expect you to be. As independent as they are, they are also fair. Unlike Scorpio, who expects you to sit home while he is off doing whatever he pleases, or Taurus, who expects you to just sit at home with him, Sagittarius has learned the secret that having a life together while still maintaining independence within that framework makes for a never boring, forever fresh relationship.
A Sagittarian can never successfully tell a lie. No one believes him for a minute. Deceit is unnatural to the archer, and when he tries to dabble in it, the exposure is usually swift and sure. He's always better off to stick to the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Even his observant, highly aware mind won't rescue him from the results of an excursion into deception, unless he has Scorpio rising. I know a secretive archer who has such a Pluto ascendant, and therefore manages very well to play a good chess game. This kind of a Jupiter person is an exception, but be prepared to meet a few.
To the Sagittarian, life is secretly a circus, and he's the clown, rolling and tumbling through purple hoops in a sky-blue suit. His face is smeared with the bright, gay colors of greasepaint, and his eyes glitter with curiosity and fun. As the music of the calliope gets louder, he stumbles and falls, then executes a perfect somersault on the back of a prancing pony. On his fingers he wears three turquoise rings; on his toes are bells that ring like the chimes in a distant church spire that disappears into the clouds. The archer happily blows a lustrous tin horn, made of the soft, malleable metal that's barely affected by moisture. Whether he's bold or backward, the true nature of this generous idealist is as merry as the Christmas holly berry. Bravely, he pins a large carnation over his big heart, and curves his bow toward the sky. When he aims straight, he shoots higher than man can see-past the stars-to the place where all dreams are really born
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Lemme know what you think. I hope i did justice to it.
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Superstition is to religion what astronomy is to astrology: the mad daughter of a wise mother
Lindaland
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posted May 10, 2006 06:44 AM
Quality work. 
posted May 10, 2006 07:28 AM
posted June 10, 2006 12:45 PM
posted June 10, 2006 05:13 PM
....go go go .....Divineeee.... waiting for Cap, Aqua and Pisces...... 
