|
Author
|
Topic: What makes me the doormat?
|
Virgo/Aries75
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:00 PM
 
Azalaksh has much wisdom for someone who's been watching Transformers.  I agree that it's very hard to keep your heart open to love while keeping it closed & "detached" so you can engage in unfulfilling, unloving sexual encounters... And from what I'm reading, you're talking about a specific situation, right? Not like being with someone you love and then having other encounters on the side, but having a "kinda, sorta" something with your roommate and having sexual partners for your physical needs? That sounds kinda lonely to me.  IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:10 PM
ok, I am done with my shower.My aura is clean LOL but I'm still confused.Virgo~ I totally understand what you are saying but what I am saying is that, I know who I am (finally) and I know what I need, not because I am not a whole or I can not "survive" on my own, but because I do crave someone sleeping next to me every night , and making plans , holding hands, cooking for him etc.Even having a disagreement every once in a while.You can call me dependent, today while showering I realize I am, but not financially just emotionally. (I hope this is not that bad) But with me those things come after a sexual relationship and I think people cheat themselves by sleeping around because they are searching constantly for the right partner when maybe they are making matters worse, on the other hand , I have had thoughts that maybe I am the stupid one that doesn't understand that sex is just sex and someday the right guy will come to fullfill all the other requirements for now this is ok...
and when I have done that it was not ok.That is a big red flag to me. So, going back to your thought where I should find the right person for me I must say, I live in Florida and 80% of the population is over 80 LOL
so I am screw with the few left that are already married and cheating because there are too many women in this place LOL ahhhh...damn! I wish I could really open up, I finally found the thread I can not really say what is on my mind, but if you had felt what I felt then you would be as puzzled as I am now...yeap, with teh guy that doesn't love me.
shucks. IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:13 PM
quote:
As you saw here, http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/002902.html
"true love" is different strokes for different folks.....
Due to the limitations of this dimension, I've come to accept that I cannot have my cake and eat it too If you choose one path, you cannot walk another at the same time.....
You have no idea how many times I ask this question on how people do not know the answer of it.
It makes me sad...specially if you think of "teaching by example" and "it takes a village to raise a child" ... ...What am I suppose to teach my kids?
IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:16 PM
And V/A75 has much wisdom for someone who's been watching Spongebob 
Coming to terms with, and being OK with, one choice (or path) precluding another choice/path seems like one of many Rites of Passage in this life..... it's bittersweet here at SchoolRoom Earth.
It's making the choice that's most important -- not WHICH path necessarily, but being happy with the path you've chosen, and being aligned with the values of that path..... What you think will make you MOST happy, fulfilled, content -- not what will make you 100% happy/fulfilled/content.....
Perhaps on The Other Side, all choices are viable and possible -- but I don't think that's true here in this place of polarities. Here we give up something of value in order to gain something of more value. So, what's most important is What Do You Personally Value??Nelly, how do you feel about commitment to Life Partners?? You asked, "what is true love?" I'm asking, "What does commitment to another person mean to you??" IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:19 PM
quote:
And from what I'm reading, you're talking about a specific situation, right? Not like being with someone you love and then having other encounters on the side, but having a "kinda, sorta" something with your roommate and having sexual partners for your physical needs?That sounds kinda lonely to me
Lonely, yes, very much so. But he is nothing else but my best friend, my point of bringing him in here is that we know this is what we are, and we accept that because we are living in the same house and sometimes we have even joke around how good we could be if we can just have that chemestry going for each other, but the only woman that makes him feel "happy" is his ex-wife. The only guy that makes me happy is attached to someone else, so we are content with teh agreement.But my views now are that this is what people really do anymore and they don't even know they are doing it, I have so many friends in relationships and when I am alone with them talking about things they tell me as a "secret" that they don't have it for their spouses so they rely on emotional cheating in the net, fantasizing or just simply cheating. I think it is sad.again... IP: Logged |
Virgo/Aries75
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:21 PM
NAM - I can promise you what you have to say is safe here. As far as I know, no one knows you personally, so....I try to share with you what I've experienced, but I can assure you that I'm about as confused as they get. lol One minute I want the stability of a husband as a provider & protector, lover & friend, together forever and we die on the same day and are loving and faithful to each other forever and ever until we die. The end. The next minute, I think, "screw it!" You only live once and if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander... I've been cheated on too, so now it's every man/woman for themselves. Gimme all that you have and I'm gonna take from you, and him, and him, and that one, and the other one... I'm a single mom too, so I know how lonely it is. I know how it is to want to be held every night and cook for a man and there's no one there but the kids. I've contemplated something similar to what you're contemplating except it wasn't that convenient. The guy I thought about it with would want sex, and fidelity. But he just isn't what I want and I can't/won't give him what he wants. So, that's that. I guess right now I'm kinda talking to you how I would want to be spoken to. I want to encourage you to look out for your best interest and do what's best for you. Not just what is convenient. But I also know how sometimes what's easier is what's best when you're just plain tired and need some comfort. IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:25 PM
quote:
"What does commitment to another person mean to you??"
It means having a partnership, were you are both half of the equation and when one slacks on something the other picks up.
it means I am not going to cheat on the person and I better be honest enough that if I am not happy with him/her I should be able to tell him/her before things get worse. Question for you~Now... are you talking to be committed to the person or to the committment?
Big difference here...once being "in love" goes should be turn into being committed to the "relationship" or move on? IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:38 PM
Virgo thanks for opening up, I still think if I do you guys are going to think I am crazy, but...I was married 15 years and never cheated on this guy, he never cheated on me either, I end up the marriage because he became and alcoholic and the respect and love I had for him went out the door once that happened.
When we met I knew the next morning he was going to be my husband, i don't know where I get these things from but sometimes I just know things, i can't control it, it just happens, I even told my best friend "I think I am going to see this guy for a long time" although my mind thought "marriage" I couldnt say that because I didn't want to sound stupid; the next day he introduced me to his mom and couple weeks later he had a ring for me.
Forward 17 years, I am divorced (finally) and do not beleive in love anymore, so now that I am a "big girl", "free"... I decided to go out and experience what is like to be with men and use them then go home and take care of my kids, well,after to bad attempts I met someone that changed my whole view about the new cynical me but this guy brought a new experience into my life I ne ver had with my ex,but things didn't work out with him because he was attached and we called this off, anyway, long story short is that what I felt with this guy I have never felt with anyone in my life, and it goes beyond respect/friendship/loyalty or anything like it, it was in the air, it was in his eyes and I can not find it with anyone else...Not that I am looking either, but when I do go out or meet guys I understand that tehre is no connection what so ever, I want to know what that was, I want to know how to find it again so I can create it for someone else....
^do you understand now how this is not in my control in how it feels I was born to lose? I know I am still vague but I am really trying here.... IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:42 PM
Woohoo, Single Moms Night in Nelly’s thread!!  quote:
Question for you~Now... are you talking to be committed to the person or to the committment?
Big difference here...once being "in love" goes should be turn into being committed to the "relationship" or move on?
Hmmm, I think I should be committed for attempting to answer this but I don’t think there’s a big difference…..
Being committed to a person is ALSO being committed to your commitment, yes?? If you make a vow to someone, that is committing to a person. When you say, “once being ‘in love’ goes", what do you mean – falling out of love with your partner?? I would reply that once your special feeling for someone departs, then your partnership should be dissolved. It complicates things when there are kids in the equation :-\ There are parents who stick together for the kids sake, honoring their commitment when love is gone, and there are parents who divorce (also for the kids sake) and honor themselves and their values. I cannot say which path is right for another. quote:
...What am I suppose to teach my kids?
In this country where the divorce rate has been around 50% for years, wouldn’t you think that we’re teaching our kids the wrong things, or just plain not teaching them enough about how to make choices in their lives?? Why do so many confuse good sex with love?? Why do they marry thinking “this passion is fabulous, the connection is tangible, and our happiness will last forever” then wake up in the morning a few years later next to someone they don’t even know?? This is why I say I want solid friendship first and the building of trust and then affection. I’ve had enough of the electrical infatuation connections where the spark faded and died because there wasn’t enough commonality of values and interests to sustain the partnership for the long haul. I want a best friend as well as a lover. I want the mental connection as well as the physical. And he’s out there, and I am patient  Back to what am I supposed to teach my kids: teach them the difference between "right and wrong" as you see it. Teach them to love themselves. Teach them to take pride in their uniqueness and their own special gifts. And teach them that they are worthy of Love  IP: Logged |
Virgo/Aries75
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:46 PM
Ok.Now with what you're sharing it's making things more clear and easy to understand.  It seems that both you and your best friend are 2 people who still have feelings for unavailable people. Neither one of you are probably in an emotional state(currently) to be open to anyone new who actually IS available. So the fact that you live together is almost ideal. You have the comfort of friendship and that male/female energy without having to risk any kind of hurt that can come from someone who is available or pressure to be open to love when you both still love/are attached to others. This time and relationship with the friend can either help you both to heal -or- it can become a crutch where you just get stuck in a "situation" where you're making do with friendship here & sex there while pining for unavailable people. It's up to you and your friend how you use this time & situation. While it's not abnormal for your couples friends to confide in you that they don't really have it for their spouses anymore(it happens), it doesn't mean that this has to be YOUR future situation! It's immature and unhealthy for them to confide in you instead of communicating this problem with their partner. It's even more unhealthy and immature to "remedy" this problem by cheating in any way. Again, this doesn't have to be YOUR situation! Don't let their behaviour deter you from what YOU could have. IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:56 PM
ok, you girls are being way optimistic than I am (which it is what I need) I don't want to keep thinking it will not happen to me again...I have wished so may times to forget this guy, I have asked , I have stay away for months from him, but my mind won't listen to me,not only that but when I do go out and see him he does it again, one look it only takes one look from him and I am done.... any tricks, tips on how I can regain control, we both have mutual friends and I have been cheating myself by alienating myself from gatherings just beacsue I don't wat to see him...it bites.IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 10:57 PM
No Nelly, you’re not being vague at all quote:
I end up the marriage because he became and alcoholic and the respect and love I had for him went out the door
Yes, I came from a similar situation and you can toss in DV. His illness (substance abuse is a medical illness) killed the love I felt too. But it didn’t stop me from “believing in Love.” It made me very wary of men for a few years, yes. But I finally healed and so can you. quote:
what I felt with this guy I have never felt with anyone in my life, and it goes beyond respect/friendship/loyalty or anything like it, it was in the air, it was in his eyes and I can not find it with anyone else...Not that I am looking either
Oh but you are You want to recapture that magic, find it again, and I don’t blame you a bit  Do you honestly believe there is only one man on the planet (him) that you can feel this magic with?? And since you can’t have the one you’ve discovered, you think you’re “born to lose??”IP: Logged |
Virgo/Aries75
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:00 PM
NAM so far nothing you've said has been crazy, except for the "born to lose" part.From what I've read(so far) you had a gut instinct that the man that you married was going to be your husband. Is it too far off the mark to say that you had some good years together before his alcoholism started? That isn't a loss to me, that is a loving marriage that ended due to your ex-husband's illness. The second relationship where you felt things you never felt even with your husband, where is the loss in that? That sounds like an amazing gain to me. He opened up your world to something you didn't know existed before him. That's a gift. You're saying you want to find it again so you can create it for someone else? I think that for that to happen, you probably have to be "free" again. Like you were after your divorce. Free and open. If you're closed off not believing in love or pining away for someone else, I doubt you're in a position to receive that again. It's when you're open that things come to you. And if it came to you once, it can happen again. IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:02 PM
V/A75, when do you want to discuss that counseling practice we should start??IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:04 PM
quote:
Oh but you are You want to recapture that magic, find it again, and I don’t blame you a bit Do you honestly believe there is only one man on the planet (him) that you can feel this magic with?? And since you can’t have the one you’ve discovered, you think you’re “born to lose??”
I hate to say yes, but seems to be working out that way.
On the other hand,if you can feel something so special with many different guys then why would it be speacial to begin with and why my friend can't find satisfaction with anyone but his ex-wife and he has slept with aboyt 500+ girls.
Why my other friend (male as well) has a relationship with a wonderful girl which he loves but can not stip thinking of a love he had many moons ago and it just didn't work out, not only that but they still talk, it just can't be they both have other lives envolved and it would be bad to break that, it would make them the bad ones...
you see? IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:08 PM
excuse me but I am always the one giving counseling to all my confused friends...they just don't know I turn more confused after talking to them LOLI swear about this too, do you know how many people ask me if I have some kind of background on couseling? or philosophy? hahaha... You guys see here the real me. lost and confused LOL
Actually the only issue that has me this way is this guy and what he could have brought to the table.I know who I am in any other situation...damn...how can one person have so much power over me and not even know it! ...I would die if he would read any of this! IP: Logged |
Virgo/Aries75
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:13 PM
"V/A75, when do you want to discuss that counseling practice we should start??" How about Monday? NAM I don't think that you can have those feelings with "many" other people, but definitely more than one. It seems like sometimes we'll dwell in the past on an old relationship rather than move forward and make new memories and new love because it also puts us at risk for new pains. But it's soooooo worth it! Look at you! You ended a long marriage(by today's standards) and managed to find love and then some! It's doable, but you have to be willing to be open to it. IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:13 PM
quote:
I think that for that to happen, you probably have to be "free" again. Like you were after your divorce. Free and open
ok, we are onto something now... How do I do this? the other relationship ended because I lost respect for the guy, funny thing is that as bad as things sound with the new guy, he never lied to me and he never used me on purpose, I know he did to try to find himself but I did nt help him with that because I had feelings for him so I couldn't...so after all I do have respect for him and that makes it even more difficult to forget him , it makes him even more desirable LOL (I can't find the right word, desirable not as in sex but as a partner) although I would go for the sex all they long. LOL IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:19 PM
Your friend who has slept with 500+ girls looking for satisfaction is mind-boggling to me….. sounds like a quote attributed to Einstein ~
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Gotta give him props for persistence!!
Then there’s your second friend who can’t stop thinking of someone who’s unavailable. Why?? We are in charge of our thoughts. We are in charge of our desires. If our desires clash with our values, a choice must be made and a path must be discarded as impossible/inappropriate. I have met obsession before (“I can’t stop thinking about him/her”). And if it cannot be satisfied, what do you do?? You have a choice: go on obsessing about something you cannot have and drive yourself crazy, or learn to live without your obsession?? I know that it’s much easier said than done, but you have to choose the path away from the object of obsession/desire – you have to move on. Ye gods you ladies can write up a storm!! OK V/A75, I’ll line up the phone company and business cards, you scope out the office space IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:20 PM
This is why I said I was really truely a doormat, because I let people use me to find themselves, and it is fine because I always have the control on just how much I let it happen.Even with my best friend now, he thinks I am the best thing next to bread because now he understands more about him and who he is, he is not as crazy an irresponsible as he was when she left him and now he thinks he owes me.And has been paying by being great with my kids , which they are a pain in the butt I can do that all day long and not feel bothered, but I failed with that guy and fell in love with him and now I am hurt.
agh! now I am mad! LOL IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:22 PM
Nelly, when the Universe closes a door, it opens a window By letting go of something you cannot have, it FREES you to find something that you CAN have..... IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:26 PM
ah obssession, yeap another one of my favorite words.Looking back at my marriage and how I had to put a restarining order against my ex because he would not leave me alone and it got really "crazy" , yes I fear obssession... and I always wonder when do we cross that line, same reason why I alienated myself and decided not to hang out where I know he is going to be, but isn't that still loosing since I am the one cheating myself of my own friends now? not only that, but isn't this love game hard? unless of course you dettach, but we go back again to , how do you really know love if you can not feel it? I am sorry if I am giving you guys a headache but I have so many questions just based on people I know and why they do thinsg, or even myself.
And trust me, I know you don't know me pesoanlly but I am not a screw up! I swear LOL IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 982
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:31 PM
Why would we think you're a "screw-up"????
I don't think that. I just think you are full of questions you need to sort out IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:33 PM
I'll keep trying, but here is a last one for you so we can call it "dead horse" finally...Last time I talked to him he said he had a crsuh on me , has always had one since day one; but he will not act on it (I wasn't asking him too, I don't want that either) and it is normal to have "crushes on people" the bad part comes when we act on them and married people do it all teh time...
So, I said to myself, fine, I'll stay away because I don't want to be part of your emotional cheating situation...everything is fine until 2-3 weeks ago where I out of the blue felt this thing and I knew he was going to or he had proposed to her, I was so sure that I almost ask one of my friends but didn't want to look like I am crazy so I didn't; well two days ago by roomate comes home and says he saw them and she had a ring in her hand and was showing it to him all happy. I almost die... but the part that killed me the most was the fact that I already knew, how do you explain that when i don't talk to the guy nor I know anything about him because I choose to stay away...
pretty messed up huh? IP: Logged |
NAM
unregistered
|
posted November 24, 2007 11:37 PM
quote:
Why would we think you're a "screw-up"????
well, I really don't but in here I could come across as I am a lost soul because I do ask a lot of questions, sometimes I ask to get affirmation of my own feelings, sometimes I ask because I really don't know, and sometimes I liek to test people.
But, you guys don't know I am doing that so I can be looked as a bit "crazy" or lost LOL IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
