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Author
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Topic: Sometimes.... * I'm wandering and wondering....
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pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 25, 2005 11:54 PM
 
Sorry for my public breakdown..
I am just so tempted......
I had a good evening.
As long as moments are good, the instability and urgency seems to fade.
but still, that nagging.....I think I am just horny. Like a rose.  Thank you for your words.
I do need them.  IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 8548
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted April 26, 2005 04:34 AM
Oh Pixie, please do not apologise for ANYTHING - I too wanted all those things you mention........hence the three husbands, forever searching, forever yearning and I go thro a breakdown/breakthro every now and then coz the yearning in me was so overwhelming, at times all I wanted to do was end it all. Well now I am older due to be 47 this year and no I havent changed in my needs, desires, and huge huge demands, but I am beginning to see things differently and I am using other things to channel my massive passion thro (dancing, music, singing, passionate conversations with friends) and also the guy I am with doesnt match my extremes, but that is why I AM with him. Cos I always had affairs during my marriages in the past cos I needed that "buzz", it was like an addiction to me, I started to realise that I couldnt go on forever as this would destroy me and others. Well this horniness you talk of (and OMG I understand this), I think its more Pixie, the deep place in your soul yearning for that connection we may not have had as kids. Please have a look at a thread called "Family Constellation" and I will talk more of this. In the meantime, keep posting, keep talking to us and things will happen as they are meant to. To be a Scorpio woman, is a blessing and a curse, but we feel to such a great capacity it can at times totally overwhelm us and others. You are being honest with yourself and when you are ready you can be honest with he, who I feel will understand. Love to you sister xxxxxIP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 26, 2005 09:24 AM
Hey how is it going Pix?Hope today goes well Love and light Maya IP: Logged |
firelights
Knowflake Posts: 96
From: india
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 26, 2005 01:27 PM
 you're a darlin.just hang in there. IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2537
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted April 26, 2005 06:42 PM
Pix... don't apologize. I feel ya. I really do.  It's amazing how this feeling can be so d*mn overpowering and nothing--NOTHING! can distract, minimize, or obliterate it. It takes over everything, this void, this hole, this craving. And it's a murky place to be. The only cure is something that can't be described, so can't be asked for-- can only be sought and found. I could go on... IP: Logged |
moonshine
Knowflake Posts: 594
From: UK
Registered: Oct 2004
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posted April 26, 2005 07:10 PM
Hi pixie, I wish i could add something to help that hasnt already been said, but just wanted to say that was an AMAZING poem, i felt your words right to my core. I know you were bringing deep feelings out to the open so would saying thanks be appropriate? IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 27, 2005 01:09 AM
Firelights, Moonshine, thank you.
Future Uncertain.. please go on.. I get you when you talk of passion, I get you when you talk of things tht can't be named, only felt... maya, shaped, Thank you both..... Still going through it, wondering what will happen. *it is more than horny, though that takes the edge off...... Sue g, thank you for sharing your story.
I know you understand..... zala, you are such a help.. wise words.
Trillian
Fayte m.. I admire your passion as well...
Natasha, you always, always , always, have wise and sound guidance. thank you. All the people who have posted on here I thank you for being so sweet and understanding during a really vulnerable time. IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 27, 2005 01:14 AM
Ghani, I responded to you, but not completely...
I feel though that I don't have to say anything.. You know anyway... thank you for that. IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 27, 2005 10:23 AM
 Hope you feel great pix pix!  IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 27, 2005 10:32 AM
Hee hee.. * gets that naughty look in her eyes*Yes, I am told I feel great.
That's half the problem. j/k I feel.. interesting today.. like I am waiting for ......something.....
I'll let you know if I find it, however briefly.. Thanks for the wish! IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 27, 2005 10:38 AM
And I feel like I have lost something forever. Typical Pisces moon, you cannot let go even ages after you have both said goodbye ... and especially when the other person is a magical mystical archer.I dont love him or anything, I donot want him in my life ... but Im still sad its finally over. I hope he is happy and finds the peace his restlessness is always searching for. IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 27, 2005 10:54 AM
*personal astro information editedIP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 3923
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted April 27, 2005 10:12 PM
How's pixie today?
I liked what sue wrote about "channeling her massive passion" -- what DO you do pix when you're not working, taking care of kids, singing in a band, generously sharing your experience strength and hope with everybody here, and keeping a great marriage together?!? I liked what future wrote too -- about things that can't be named, only felt. Kinda like it's impossible to drag these immense feelings down into precise words....
Loves & Hugs
'zalaIP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted April 27, 2005 11:40 PM
Hey Pixelpixie,I was just wondering how you are doing now? I skimmed through your post, and you appear to be struggling. (Hope I'm understanding your words, or expressions, correctly, as I do occasionally have a habit of making things up). Are you still in the same state as you were when you first posted this? Or perhaps doing better or even worse? If you're still struggling I can give ya some cold Aquarian advice if ya like....who knows it may help DayDreamer IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 27, 2005 11:43 PM
I respond well when people make things up..
Thank you.
I am .. oh, you now, here and there and everywhere, it comes and goes.
Advise away.....
I am okay right now. this evening's normal routine numbed my sense of urgency.. but it hasn't gone anywhere.. it lies dormant as usual.
I have a busy day tomorrow, with a seminar early in the am then working until 12 midnight.. so I won't be online, but I look forward to your responses.
Actually, I more than look forward to them, I think I kind of need them.
Thank you so much.
IP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted April 27, 2005 11:53 PM
Hi...you dont seem to be doing too bad now.  Maybe i'll save my advice for another day, when you really need it. (hoping that you won't need it) Sometimes it can come out unpleasant, but it is always with the best intentions and care. You have a good day tomorrow!
IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 28, 2005 02:11 PM
I have a window between things to do , so of course I am here.
Daydreamer.. thanks for the idea, and thought.. I am doing fine.... I guess... I mean, I am not suicidal or anything, but even in my darkest days, I never have been... I like to find out what happens next. a challenge and drive.
Um.. if your words are forceful, then maybe you should just leave it at that then.. I am notorious for defending.. others and myself, but maybe if they are harsh, yet you've put a disclaimer on it, I can be generous with my window of offense.... I am pretty sensitive.. yet I like hearing the truth..
If you think you could help, if you'd like to... please do.
But as you said, I will say.. if it is negative, I'll probably be sensitive.. but understanding.. just letting you know.
This isn't a flippant thing for me, it goes really deep... so I take nothing lightly.
I appreciate any helpful thoughts though.. you may see truth I wasn't aware of.IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 28, 2005 02:51 PM
Pix ... I have discovered with Aquas ... they usually come forma place of love and compassion, even if they are not the most tactful people, they have kind, generous souls who only want the best for their friends and loved ones (although they are never sure of the boundary between the two )I really admire your honesty and strength to weather this tornado and still function with your usual pizzazz and candour. Kudos ... you are one tough, hot, smart woman. IP: Logged |
Irish Eyes
Knowflake Posts: 445
From: PA,USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted April 28, 2005 04:48 PM
OK Pix, now it's my turn to add my two cents worth...I understand you so much...I have been through what you are going through. It is a tough place to be, damned if you do...danmed if you don't. When you feel that you are bord and unhappy in your marriage and then someone shows up uninvited into your world and is all the things that you crave, the questions begin. You are human and you have the right to want. You have the right to be happy. Didn't you say that you started your family early? Do not beat yourself up about this....the new intrest my not be "the one" but may be a step to you finding yourself (isn't that part of the problem?) If you need to talk I am hear for you.... Love to you,
Irish IP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted April 28, 2005 04:53 PM
Understandably Pixie, like Newton’s third law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I was not implying that you were suicidal, but I did sense you were not feeling too well physically, mentally and emotionally, at least in a few of your posts. You already have knowledge of the truth, it is just a matter of application for you. I don’t even think it is appropriate for me to try and shake you with my words...just don’t feel to do it anymore...unless you really want it.Do you have Venus conjunct Neptune in Sag 5th house conjunct transiting Pluto? I have that aspect and transit now but in the 7th house. Still trying to figure this one out. I can be patient at least for now since it just started in Jan. I’ve got a few other unstable transits in my chart too like Uranus sq ASC/DC (Sudden separations…so true it is but by my own will thus far). BUT I do not have the major biggie Saturn Return you have!!! (I’ve been worrying about that one for years...hoping it is overrated...only a few more years till it’s my turn). If you want I can look at your chart and maybe give you some more pleasant advice from that. Anyhoo...from the looks of it I think you are holding up great. maya-v, are you a virgo? Yes I agree with you about Aquas we do love all our friends (and humanity) and only want the best for them. And I also know that Aquas can be less tactful then most signs and don’t like to be constrained within boundaries  ...there is always a purpose behind this...(e.g. to get a reaction!!!)  (hehe I use to have a habit of doing this a lot when I was younger…now I try to warn people beforehand or just ask them...still working on it).
IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 29, 2005 02:05 AM
Irish Eyes~
quote:
Do not beat yourself up about this....the new intrest my not be "the one" but may be a step to you finding yourself (isn't that part of the problem?)
Yes, exactly.
Thank you DayDreamer~ Thank you... sorry, I was making a joke ( not a joke, but making light of it) the suicide thing.. I just wanted to be dramatic and say I am not that bad. 
Thanks.
If you'd like to take a look at my chart, that'd be great.. it is always insightful to have others take a peek at the same things you look at but see different things!
*edit
THANKS!!!!! The stupid thing, is that I feel close to my hubby sometimes.. and then the indecision... and he is such a love muffin, and a really fabulous man, who I am lucky to have found.. yet I am not "there" I am taking it all for granted, I know this, and can't stop it... it's doing a trip on my sense of love and duty.. we just made love, and he held me, tenderly looked at me and said "I love you sooooo much."
And he does.
And here I am , looking at all this stuff I have created.
I just want to be happy.
Everything is a catalyst to that. and I do need to find myself.
***sigh***
It is something that isn't even directed toward anything, there is no outlet for this energy. IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 29, 2005 09:35 AM
I feel ya, Pix ... its a real tough choice, but you should be true to your heart.I think its nothing but restlessness and a need to break from routine. Have you considered taking a vacation by yourself ... doesnt have to be expensive, just somewhere away ... maybe with a friend or cousin living far away? Whatever works, I hope you find your true happiness soon. IP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted April 29, 2005 09:02 PM
Hiya PixieI went to school in Hamilton... Kitchener and Waterloo is about an hour or so away isnt it?? I will take a better look at your chart some time over the weekend. I peeked at it and noticed the uranus sq venus transit. Also that transiting retro Saturn is in your 12th hs/cancer now. And then the tennis match... By this summer it should be in leo and then start conjuncting your ascendant. Fall 2005 it directly conjuncts your ASC, and then it starts conj your saturn...only to retract back in the winter past up your ASC. Spring of 2006 it'll come back directly to ASC. Summer of 2006 Saturn returns again. And drudges forward in the fall of 2006 to pass natal Saturn. Late winter-early spring 2007, saturn returns back again. Summer 2007, Saturn goes forward again for good to move out of leo and the first house.
Aww i hear ma baby crying...well not mine, my friend's...she just had a cappy baby boy...he cries alot...how cute (easy for me to say, being an aunty is fun...cant wait for my own!!)
g'nite  IP: Logged |
sthenri
Moderator Posts: 4452
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003
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posted April 30, 2005 11:21 AM
Pixie, I am hear that you are truly down about this, You feel very deeply, I see that. Have you considered the fact that you are keeping yourself from being selfish by serving your husband rather than loving him? And that you need to be selfish, to let youself go and receive what you deserve? Maybe there is a part of you that feels guilty over some imagined defect in him, and that makes you wonder if you really deserve his love?Because you feel so deeply, everything that is happening affects, and when you are absorbing, and not really feeling part of life, it gets overwhelming, sad. If you feel nothing inside, than you are absorbing too much, if you feel sad, then you are feeling angry and guilty. Nothing is worse than feeling nothing at all, so even if it's guilt and anger you have to face, it's better. I don't think, you are that good at being angry with your husband, in fact you don't seem to ever confront him on anything you are angry about, because you may think it's irrational. It's good to express yourself, without fear, but you can't do that with him for some reason. Maybe a long talk?
With your Cap moon, i really think you need more than just a man in your life, you need something bigger, a business, something he can help you start but you need to finish on your own. You can't take care of someone's needs all the time, there are wants and wishes to take care of too. If you don't mind me saying so your hubby sounds a little babyish in the needs department, and you are a mother, and that's great, but you can't take care of him, and still love him at the same time and get the stimulation you need. It could be a question of growth, intellectual stimulation and excitement needed all at the same time. Maya had a good idea, about travelling, either alone or with anyone at all. Male or female, there are boundaries when you travel. Is your hubby jealous, or not jealous? When I brought up the art gallery Idea, you were not up to it, and you may be shy. I know you may argue with me here, but you strike me as shy in a lot of ways, Scorpio with Saturn 1st house is shy, not overly assertive socially. Don't be afraid to make new friends, male or female, you won't do anything wrong, unless you feel wrong. Then you give off those, want to be bad signals. But if you are free and clear with what you really want, anyone will want to travel with you, the only obstacle is your own guilt. I really think you need to get outside your own circle, because your stagnating. Hugs (not meant to smother)
Natasha
IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 5820
From:
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted April 30, 2005 12:24 PM
so many posts I want to reply to, but so little time some days. to all, and Gooood morning!!!!!IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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