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Author
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Topic: Sometimes.... * I'm wandering and wondering....
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monad
Knowflake Posts: 365
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 30, 2005 01:19 PM
 
Im sure whatever you decide to do you will be fine-
I just took a look at your birthchart.
You didnt come here to fail did you?
No! of course not you came here to suceed.
Just do what you feel like.How is your painting going? IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted April 30, 2005 01:20 PM
Yes. so many posts.
I read them all, absorbed them all... the bigger picture is interesting to see from others' eyes.
Very interesting.
The problem in meeting new people, is that they are usually men.. and usually add to the overall feeling of guilt.
They usually want things I have. Sometimes, due to perhaps my Sag Venus conjunct Neptune, I wonder if I actually want to give them what they want, cuz maybe it will ead to what I want...... I haven't acted on it.
I do want my own business.
I want something fulfilling in that sense.. it seems the love stuff overwhelms everything else....IP: Logged |
monad
Knowflake Posts: 365
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted April 30, 2005 03:19 PM
"It doesent matter what you say"anon. IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 8548
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted April 30, 2005 05:14 PM
"the love stuff overwhelms everything else" oh you ARE a woman after me own heart -god bless us in our yearnings Pixie, whatever will become of us? I had a healing with a Shaman today and she said "if you want theres a nice young man waiting for you, but I think Id hang on to the one youve got", and I asked her who he was and then it appears that there would always be someone waiting in the wings.............as there will always be for you Pixie, only now I am beginning to realise after 3 husbands what this one means to me (and after me pushing the boundaries to the absolute limit). You are a lot younger, have a lot more life to live, I am glad I did what I did and didnt stay for the other or out of guilt etc etc, but now things feel different. The healer also said I had lots of sexual energy and of course others pick up on that as they do with you Pix, but you know we would always be able to 'pull" someone (ha ha) but like I said before, we have to be careful where we put our energy. Sending you love and some clear sight xxxxxIP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2537
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted April 30, 2005 07:45 PM
Pixie  When he held you and said he loved you sooooo much and... nothing.  I know. Why is it that when everything is inventoried it looks great on paper, but in real life, something's not there? There is nothing tangible to point your finger at and hold responsible. Trying to explain it just sounds irrational. "A crazy woman thing." Right! Keep us posted. IP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted May 02, 2005 12:50 AM
Your chart is very telling! I'll list some of the things I noticed...Natal: With Sun Conjunct Uranus, and Mars Conjunct Uranus in the 4th, as well as Sun, Uranus and Mars Square Ascendant/Desc - I'm pleasantly surprised your relationship still 'appears' to be 'stable.' This is where you have to be flexible and open to change and other alternatives if you want things to work out in everyone's favour. Uranus in the 4th house - erratic, sudden changes at home, inner self/emotions (or with mother) should be common to you. Saturn Square Mars - Leads to caution, go slow with goals. Saturn square Uranus - you need a great deal of personal control to stabilize "explosive" enviros, and "conquer and destroy" destructive/inhibitive situations. To remind you... "North Node in Scorpio/South Node in Taurus: You have often overemphasized material goods and your own importance and you must relinquish your possessive and materialistic attitude towards matters related to the house occupied by the South Node. You must change from selfish interests to concern for others. You must change self-will to Divine Will. You find peace through the ways of the Higher Self." "North Node in the 4th House/South Node in the 10th House: You've had too much public acclaim and spent too much time in the limelight in the past and now, in this lifetime, you must grow a soul. You can do this through your domestic surroundings, wise use of your emotions and quiet withdrawal into yourself at times."
North Node Conjunct Sun - Karmically rewarding, and...
"Sun conjunct North Node: Ego and pride are tied to security needs. This person may feel safest when on stage or otherwise at the center of attention. Nurturing becomes connected with praise and admiration (both in terms of what person wants from and gives to others). Close, intimate connections are expected to stroke one's ego. Creative urges are strengthened within family contexts or close ties."
With North Node Conjunct Uranus - you must give serious forethought to the long term effects of sudden changes (which may profit you for the time being)
And some Transits:
Transiting Saturn should be square your Sun in a few months...you may go through a bout of depression, doubt and some barriers. When tSaturn conjunct ASC, also opposite DC - More responsibilities for you, preparation before starting a new beginning!?! tSaturn will also square your TrueNode! "This square indicates a thwarting of the natives' ambition and progress by prevailing social forces. Their fearfulness and conservatism may pervent their being in the right place at the right time to take advantage of opportunities which the society affords them. They may be isolated by society or become recluses."
Best to stay in the situation you're in now and work through it. Communication is the key. See where it takes you. I would imagine you have spent enough of your energies in looking after your husband's needs. Thus, I would also suggest you get some space and time alone for yourself, sans hubby. Maybe do things that you find enjoyable, work on your career? (yet your chart is very focused in the 4th house).
He should understand.
What do you think?? IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 02, 2005 01:14 AM
Sue g.. Future Uncertain.. yes, you do understand.  DayDreamer...Thank you so much for taking a look at me' chart!
wow, that n node resonated deeply....
"Sun conjunct North Node: Ego and pride are tied to security needs. This person may feel safest when on stage or otherwise at the center of attention. Nurturing becomes connected with praise and admiration (both in terms of what person wants from and gives to others). Close, intimate connections are expected to stroke one's ego. Creative urges are strengthened within family contexts or close ties." Wow. It may be that I am focused in the lessons of the fourth house, yet Uranus and Mars are nestled there.. they don't like to nestle without a fight....
Then there's that dastardly Venus / neptune conjunction.. in my house of pleasure, in the sign of 'freedom'... in a nutshell...
argh!!!!! He was talking about our tenth wedding anniversary today. I just went "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" to him. "That's four years away!!!"
Married people aren't supposed to talk like that. The fact that I am poses more of a problem than anything else. I am sure I'll have more to say, I am just winding down here after work....
IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 8548
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted May 02, 2005 05:49 AM
Oh Pixie does that mean you were only 22 when you got married to him - as youve said before, it was probably too young, I actually felt a bit "trapped" for you when I read this about him saying 10 years married and you reacting the way you did. Does he allow you a lot of freedom, he sounds a lovely guy, but does he know how you feel and would there be some way, maybe, you could do your thing without the marriage breaking up? I dont know, I ws just trying to help - love to you xxxxxIP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 02, 2005 10:46 AM
That would be the ideal.. but he has said before, that he would be devastated.
Yes, I tell him I feel stifled, and that I did it too young, and I fit all the feelings of freedom that I can let out off my shoulders when I go out friday nights... he has indicated that he hates when I go out fridays, although tht hasn't always been the case...
It goes further and deeper, I think I will talk about it today.IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 02, 2005 12:33 PM
Here goes, a story in a nutshell, in a few parts....I met a man in '93, we had a son together in '94. So I started very early. It obviously didn't work out, but I am a mother first and foremost.. in fact, I bellieve I was a better mother then, as I had something to prove... So, from the age of eighteen, I have been a mommy. My son and I are absolutely destined to grow together, and I adore him. ( A little Sag with Scorpio Moon ( five Scorpios in his chart) and Aries Ascendant at 29 degrees...) I met my hubby at a time in my life when I knew big things were in store... I simply knew. I went back to school, and I started to get my stuff together.. I was very focused on security at that point.. and I'd go out even then, though I didn't drink or imbibe in anything, I just went out for fun, with friends and my family... I identified myself as an artisan and focused on different mediums, I had my work in stores, and I even checked out a gallery , (but that never went anywhere)... point is, I had a sure sense of my identity and was proud of the way I presented myself. I have always been 'whimsical' and at that time, I countered my whimsy with practicality, focusing on getting good grades, being responsible, being an artist. I met my husband. He was attractive, the sweetest man ( it is his presence) we got along on many levels....most importantly at that time was also his work ethic. He was so responsible, and up until that point,. I had been drawn to the artistic types.. with passion and drive on an elemental level... I truly felt he was a Soulmate.. all these strange psychic things happened. Also, I met him through my best Taurus friend, and she was becoming engaged, as well as lots of my friends at that time. I always balked at thje idea of mariage.. wasn't something I thought about much. But the climate seemed right. We had a whirlwind love affair, it was all consuming and wonderful.. those first years are an ideal I never thought I'd find. He met alot of things I didn't know I craved ....
He moved into my apartment almost immediately, we were engaged five months later, married a little over a year after that. I welcomed all this. A month after marriage, we found our house. We got pregnant six months later ( there was no 'honeymoon ' period without kids, as I already had a son, so we jumped right in.) money has been tighter, due to loans and mortgage and my need to shop.  So of course, as in any relationship, we argue about money.
But more than that.... I have been feeling stifled a long time. I keep journals and see that I have been feeling this way for so long its a wonder I haven't done anything.... I have expressed, in dark moments.. when I am depressed or overwhelmed, to him, this feeling of being a round block in a square hole, how I don't feel like me anymore, I can't remember the last time I had done something that made me feel as vital as when we first met... this is the woman he loved with every fibre of his being... yet he can't understand why I miss her. Whenever I am fed up with work * I have to work, I don't make as much as he does by a long shot, and it fulfills small parts ( like my ego and pride) of my identity....* I will express the fact that I want to grab life by the balls and DO something. I am made for bigger things.... I need support behind me.. I have great ideas, I can do really amazing things, I know I can, as I have.... and I can dream, and I believe... Then he will poo poo all over it, as he is afraid of me failing. Or something. We need to pay the mortgage after all.. what happens if I quit my job, and pursue these ideas I have, and it fails? He is so logical, and practical wins over whimsy everytime.......
So I shelf that dream. So I suppress that feeling, because after expressed, it lands at my feet in a puddle. IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 02, 2005 12:34 PM
Then my nature, I will want to do something small and special for someone I care about.... and so I will share it with him, I will say.. 'my friend can't get this and it is important to her, so let's go to the mall after work, and I will get it for her....' I am thinking I don't have to justify anything.. but he will say..
"Why? can't she get it?" Like he doesn't understand that of course she CAN get it, if circumstances were different.. but I would like to get it for her..... "Well what if our car breaks down? WHat if we need that money?" *We are talking under twenty bucks here.. really!!!
This happens more and more, and each time it happens, I am disillusioned. Do I have to explain to you that we do things for those we love? Why did I marry someone who doesn't come across this naturally? How diametrically opposed can one be, before everything is just a big shock of disillusionment.. I was raised to give. My mother still gives and gives and gives. I appreciate this. I won't compromise my own living situation over it, but I will give if the impulse is there.. and it is. I love helping.
Understand, he is no miser, He is a nice nice guy, and everyone who comes in contact with him adores him. He just responds to things differently than I do. I notice little things more now, about that.... now that I am finding the same things coming up all the time. My favourite line to him, when we are fighting, is "You don't support me." Which makes him crazy.. and he isn't a bad guy. Not at all. I know he is special, which is why I am so torn that these different things matter to me. I like security of course I do, I hate that I must seek it, when everything in me wants security as well as something passionately fulfilling....
He wants security even if it means "he has to shovel sh!t".. I won't.. I will for a time, but the overwhelming urge to be successful due to something I enjoy, something that fulfills me goes beyond basic security. It is an inner need that lies unfulfilled. Not that I have been successful, but I glimpsed the freedom that came with pursuing my loves.. art, writing and now singing... though on a differnt level. Of course, I have had issues with my daughter as well, which I have talked about elsewhere.... I understand these are all parts of life.. but understanding doesn't take the needs away. I can't even name them all. If I sacrificed what I do have, and we do get along.. we do have a special relationship, though it is not as special and hasn't been for a while now... if I sacrificed it, I would be left with what? Still the same dreams unfulfilled, but with less... but also more.
Even the other day, we went to get my son's hair cut, but there were too many people before us, and not enough time left before they closed, so I told my son I would cut his hair.. I have done it before, and I asked him privately, if that was okay for him.. I said "Do you trust me?" He said "of course!" Then I told my hubs that I'd cut his hair, he gave me a look like "You'll what?" and then wondered why I was bothered that my son trusts me to do something for him, he believes in my ability, or my ability to try.. yet my hubby doesn't, and it isn't even his head. It's leaps of faith. I have it. He doesn't. I said "Well, if I mess up, we'll take him to get his hair cut tomorrow, just like we were originally going to do in the first place..." Like, is it that hard to just say "Okay, good luck!"
He has to doubt everything before I have a chance to prove myself. I want to get my license ( freedom) It hasn't been necessary in the past.. but now I want it. He immediately will say "Oh, let's do this" But when we really get into it, I can tell he doesn't want me to.... or when the wandering finds something to grab hold of.. like psychology, pursuing a course locally, or working in a positive direction.. "Oh, we can't afford it." He doesn't think to look into it, just poopoos on it. I am an adult.. I shouldn't have to justify doing something that makes me feel useful.... but it is his money, ultimately. I spend it like water to rebel. *such a child*
So I get numb. I go out only on the weekends, and get numb. I feel depressed. I cry at nothing. I focus on things that are flippant, because when I focus on things which are deeper, I cut myself to the core with inability to get beyond what is crushing me.
When men show me attention, not only for my looks, but for my mind, I love it. I want to see what they see, maybe it will propel me forward,maybe if someone actually believed in me, I could do something with my brain. I am sick of men wanting me for my body, but it is a catalyst to bigger things. Then it ends up biting me, ultimtely.. a I had an opportunity to have security instead of love.. and you know? I couldn't do it.
I am meant for something more, and I bide my time.
Gosh, therapy is cheap. But my fingers are done..IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 3923
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted May 02, 2005 08:22 PM
Oh pix, I wish I could take away some of this pain. Thank you for filling in the missing colors for us. Now I MORE than understand, but with a sinking feeling I write that the day will come soon when you will force Mr Aries to make a choice. You can't go on like this. He must wake up and stop trampling your dreams (even if he doesn't realize he's doing it), or soon you will be forced to split to save yourself. Perhaps it needs to be explained to him in just as simple of terms as you just did here....that you love him but the woman he fell in love with is being slowly strangled to death.
Sure you could be stoic and repress all these feelings and go on raising your family and being the woman you are expected to be. But we all know what happens to repressed feelings.
God, honey, I ache for you.
Much Love & Hugs,
'zalaIP: Logged |
DayDreamer
Knowflake Posts: 4703
From:
Registered: Jul 2003
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posted May 02, 2005 11:35 PM
Venus Neptune Conjunction in the 5th/Sag isn't too bad. 5th house is also the house of Children and Creativity. Watch for putting new romantic interests on a pedestal!! With any man you become romantically linked to you will eventually become disappointed with him in some way. Your 7th and 8th house cusps are in Aquarius. Your spouse should be a friend first and foremost. You need to be open and honest with your spouse otherwise you will just let it all come out in a big bang, and hurt him even more then you planned to. And no doubt, like everyone has been saying, and like you know, you need time and space away from your husband. This should help clarify things some more for you.
Does your husband have any Aqua/Uranus/11th house, Libra/Venus/7th house or Cancer/Moon/4th house qualities in his chart? IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 03, 2005 01:14 AM
My Husband is a fourth house Sun, like me, so it's Cancer's house.. we also have a Moon conjunction....in Cappy.
He is an Aries, Sagittarius Ascendant...
and yes, it is true that no man can surmount the ideals I put upon him in the beginning,(Neptune and Venus) and I know this.. that is why I am trying to discern between what is *actually* important and what is tolerable...Zala~ Thank you.. I have mentioned things... and in fact, it comes up in little ways all the time... it is becoming too hard to supress now... there is an urgency, but I ping pong because I don't know what to do with the energy.
I am going to focus on a business now.. I am going to outline a plan and work towards it.... I 'announced' it today.. so we'll see where that goes.. it is at least a positive direction, and I am saying to myself.. who cares who supports me, I will! IP: Logged |
monad
Knowflake Posts: 365
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted May 03, 2005 03:39 AM
Make sure that you are able to do what you really want to without someone always coming along to tell you that youre not doing it right.
Remain true to self, are you sure you need to learn more?
There is no right and wrong.
Just doing anything will give your soul a chance to show itself.
Everyone is different.
Appreciate your individuality and you shall be rewarded.As difficult it is to do, just do what you feel like and what more could you want? People are rewarded for there love. I suppose this is not news to you anyway. Do what you would do for fun- and make it an income. Would it make a difference if I said "I believe in you"?
Not if you dont already know it yourself. -You have the keys now use them. Serendip.
IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 03, 2005 07:15 AM
Thank you monad~
You know? It actually does make a difference if someone says they believe in me.
I wish sometimes that it didn't matter, but right now, I am using this knowledge of my needs to feed my desire to do it anyway. I announced it, like I said, which means I will take action now. Despite whether he believes in me or not....
I needed to feel this, to spurn me on.
I have to now, and thats good.
Thank you for your words, all through out this thread. I have skipped praise or accolades, but I am saying now, thank you!IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 8548
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted May 03, 2005 01:25 PM
Dear Pixie, I actually felt stiffled reading what you said about your partner.........oh no that isnt gonna work for you at all, I have a feeling now of what you are living thro girl. Now let me tell you something Pix, I am 46, hubbie 35, totally freedom orientated, he never questions me, encourages me to go out and when I say "dont you worry about me going out" he says "i love you and want you to be happy and i trust you". He has taught me to manage my Scorpio possessiveness, he is very rational and wise. I feel more free in this marriage than i did when i was younger. I feel you HAVE to tell your man how it has to be........if he really loves you, he will go with it. Tell him you will get sick if you cant live out your dreams. And tell him the paradox is, if you are given freedom, the chances are you might not have to be unfaithful (although I wil reserve judgement on that, in view of my past fidelity record). What I am saying is Pix, I never felt trapped with my man, never kissed another guy even, have total respect for the one I am with, but also feel totally my own person..............now isnt that what life is all about, being oneself? Good luck, love and hugs to you xxxIP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted May 05, 2005 01:23 PM
Im feeling it today ... that nameless restlessness. Everything in my life is almost-perfect. And yet I am slowly being drawn to someone or something. I dont know what it is ... IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 8548
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted May 05, 2005 01:44 PM
 IP: Logged |
sthenri
Moderator Posts: 4452
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003
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posted May 05, 2005 01:53 PM
Pixie, when a person give you advice three times, it's significant, get outside of yourself-go on a trip-alone, go somewhere new, no excuses,push yourself,
Natasha
IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted May 05, 2005 02:03 PM
Hi Natasha ... I need some of your soothing, healing words today. I think you still have the chart I share with the archer. Can you read and tell me why I cannot get rid of his thoughts ... even if Im with an awesome guy who loves me a lot?!!!IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 4819
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted May 05, 2005 02:06 PM
yes three times doing anything against the grain is important.
Thank you for ressurecting this thread.
I didn't want to be selfish. Hmm.. just went for a physical. I have a nurse practitioner, and she is awesome.. she really inquires and listens and makes the whole thing much more tolerable than it could be.
The last few days, Instead of pulling away with hurt and anger, I am pulling away with self appreciation and tolerance. I am finding a better perspective, and strength in myself. I am formulating.. seducing, so to speak, a plan.....
It is becoming tangible, and I have announced it in every aspect of my life....
I am done, I can see the things slip[ping away, and I am not mourning. I am joyous, and it is about friggin' time.
I am great at feeling empoweed, great at translating others down times into better times.. but I never really included myself in that.
Do I need validation?
Nope.
Do I crave it? Hell yes.
Will the lack of it stop me?
Nope.
On I go.
Thank you all for your help. I know this is not over, but the beginning is opening, and I see a path with less shadows. The best thing is it is my path.
Everyone else can either walk with me or go their own way.
I say that with love and kindness. IP: Logged |
maya-v
Knowflake Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted May 05, 2005 02:10 PM
Pix ...  Im glad you're doing better. I so admire you for being so strong. IP: Logged |
sthenri
Moderator Posts: 4452
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003
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posted May 05, 2005 05:45 PM
Pixie, I like what you said about your path, I decided recently I was through with a man and a plan together and I will go home. That is home to where I was before, when I was grateful.Maya, are you looking for someone to love, truly?
Maybe it's better to wait until you are ready,
Taurus women have to be part of something bigger all the time, I had a strange thought today. If you tripped over a man sleeping in the park, how long would spend trying to figure out how he got there before you walked away? Would you blame him, blame yourself, analyze, or get mad, do you think it was related to why you were there?
What do you think? How strong are you to walk away, and do it all the time? If you figured out why he was there would that make you a better stronger person? Imagine walking away from 20 Sag men, could you do it? Natasha
IP: Logged |
future_uncertain
Knowflake Posts: 2537
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted May 05, 2005 07:55 PM
Natasha~You have an amazing, incredible mind. Always the voice of reason... something about you seems so... motherly, I guess. I know that the word "mother" can go either way depending on who you are. But from a person who never really had a mother (I mean I do, but... ya know) and still, at 28, needs that somewhere inside, you are often that voice. Just wanted to let you know I know you have your difficulties in life, but you are very wise and selfless when it comes to sharing your thoughts with us here. You just amaze me too much sometimes. It had to come out sooner or later! ********************************************* And Pix... listen to you! With the plan in your hand you seem to be chomping at the bit to be off an running! I know you will follow your heart, and it's hard when you come face to face with the fact that doing so wasn't a practical solution. But you KNOW there is no other way! IP: Logged | |
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