posted December 28, 2008 10:47 AM         

I was a young girl, a 12 year old or so... I was spending my holiday with my cousins, brother and sister (all real people in waking life) in a castle... I was the oldest one, and as it used to be when we were small, I led the crew... The castle was a stone fortress, mostly empty and boring... nothing to do there... no adults around...

We decided to explore... It was so exciting... We found a hidden gate on the floor and opened it... It appeared to lead somewhere so we, a bunch of kids, started to go down the stone spiral staircase... We heard something below... More kids!!!! We would have someone else to play with!!!

Then we found those strange girls coming up to meet us... The oldest one, about my age, came and greeted us... She had black hair, pale skin and a kind of evil look... I didn't like her much but she was so nice... her voice was sweet, manipulative... she was talking about a city or a town underground, a beautiful place full of candy and fun things to do, full of other children... she was invinting us to go and visit the queen... My cousins and siblings got so excited that raced downstairs... I was a bit reluctant as I didn't quite trusted those strange girls... but I followed...

When we got to the bottom, I saw the entrance gate... It looked like the gate to a prison... the very gate to hell... my family had jumped in... I heard children voices inside, unhappy voices... and the terrifying laughter of an old woman, a witch...

I needed to get to the ground level, to ask for help... Nobody knew we were there... If I didn't, if I followed, we would be lost forever... So I turned around and started to quckly go up the stairs... They followed me trying to get me back... "We forgot my little cousin!!!" I kept repeating "She will be scared on her own up there!!" (There were no little cousin... I was trying to trick them...) "We need to find her and bring her with us... She will love this place too... Full of candy and children to play with..." The dark haired girl relaxed a little bit but still didn't trust me fully and followed me closely while I kept going up as fast as I could... I could see daylight at the top... "You can come with me so we can find her faster..."

We got to the ground level... It was a nice warm day... It's funny because I think that we entered being inside the fortress and when I came out, I was outside... I started to call my cousin, pretending she could be anywhere, that she could be lost or hiding somewhere lost... What I wanted was getting as far as possible from that awful gate... to find an adult to protect me... so I continued with the mockery... The four or five girls followed me, very closely, as shadows...

Of course there was no little cousin... and their looks started to look suspicious... There were no adults!!! I moved quickly from one place to another, desperatedly... Then they surrounded me... Then I saw a small gate on the ground, a different gate, as one for the sewer... The dark haired one looked at me half smiling with that evil expression as if she already knew that all had been a trick... I could not escape... They would drag me to the gate downstairs, there were more than me!!!

Then I forced myself to wake up, as if I suddenly realised that it was only a nightmare... It was very difficult but I did... In a dark room, my sister and brother were sleeping at beds on each side of mine... I stepped out of my bed... Something was wrong there and I could quite grasp what it was... There was still something evil floating around...

Then I realised... That was not my bedroom!!! It was my bedroom 12 years ago, when I still lived with my parents before we moved to a new house... It was my bedroom before I was 18... When I was a child, when I was a teenager, like in the previous dream... I was a teenager then but currently I'm a grown woman!!!

I forced myself to wake up again... And finally I did, in my real bed, here in my own house...

posted January 03, 2009 04:58 AM         

ok, this is just a brief overview but all pretty much under the basic theme.

Do you have a gruelling night time bathroom schedule of teeth, skin etc cleansing, brushing etc etc etc...?

And do you often end up spending the night in when you know a lot of others are out clubbing, or just being out and about?

Do you justify the reason why you don't go out, in a gossipy way, by saying what others have become...like they have lowered their standards, become tramps etc?

I think you are trying to be a good girl and be what your family want you to be.

I also think that part of the reason you don't have much fun and evening socialising is because you don't know what to expect from it and what how it will affect you. You're a bit unsure and nervous about the whole thing. You would go out more if it was a safe bet that you would feel comfortable, safe and have fun.

But you have concerns - how are you ever going to meet anyone?, you think..

You like the idea of a steady partner, a husband perhaps, but you have no idea how it will all come together.

You also wonder if you've been ripped off in the views that you have developed and if you might not be better off if you were one of those girls that you think have gone down the wrong road so to speak.

If this applies, here is a suggestion:

go on a backpackers type of holiday(it doesn't have to be too out of the way or for too long), and go with a couple of friends or a cousin maybe.

you need to widen your horizons away from familiar territory so that you can get some perspective and freedom to make up your own mind and just experience some normal youthful activities. oh pack a camera and a swimsuit(but that probably goes without saying).

posted January 03, 2009 04:24 PM         

I haven't yet had a chance to really think about your dream, and I am curious about what you think of the comments posted by Chryseis. My thoughts were headed in another direction.

And Chryseis, thank you for your thoughts.

What do you think, steelrose? Anything make sense yet?

posted January 03, 2009 05:19 PM         

Hmmm... There's something in it... but not quite...

I have high moral standards, my own standards though...

I'm a good girl, I'm proud of that... Not because my family says or expect that... I tend to be the black sheep, I always go my own way. I fact I tend to go against them and follow my own rules...

I do have a bathroom schedule... and a health and beauty schedule... I take care of myself... And I am spending many nights in recently... wondering what I did wrong, why I didn't get the partner my friends did...

... but I did go out clubbing a lot... I still do... The truth is that I'm growing tired of that style of life...

I used to wish I could lower my standards like those other girls... but I can't... I need to do it my way... I used to feel as you describe but it's different now...

Travelling? I went to live in the UK on my own... I did it for four years... I travelled along, as you describe... Not backpacking, but almost... on the road, with one or two friends, catching trains... hostels, guest houses... in foreign countries, not knowing the language in most cases...In fact, I'm struggling a bit now because all my friends are starting to have stable lives, financial compromises... kids, a marriage... so they can't make plans with me anymore...

Where did you get that interpretation from? How do you translate the symbolism?

posted January 03, 2009 09:27 PM         

I love symbols and like to 'read' everything whether its two birds standing in a puddle, an atmosphere, someone's card trick, or themes of the day, year etc.

These unleashing of impressions are usually short-lived. It has a feeling akin to 'running the gauntlet'. Generally, I don't speak of them in every day life, experience has shown me that it's not a good idea. I get a cosmic slap regularly but feel a compulsion to do some readings so yeah I'm still figuring my direction out on it all.

posted January 04, 2009 12:18 PM         

Thanks for looking at my dream... I really appreciate it, especially if you are good with symbolism... I know what you mean when you say you don't speak of that in everydays life... You got that slap when you read my post?? I believe in some people having a real ability to sense things... there must be something in what you saw... maybe the fact that I'm currently feeling trapped in my life... unprotected... wasted...

I had another dream tonight that could be connected... The same gang of children again, my real cousins and siblings... We were going on holiday, on a cruise... We were a bit tight on time, so we were rushing around... I don't remember why I gave my handbag to one of my cousins for her to keep it for a while... I forgot she had it and the I stopped in a street vendor stand... it had magical items and one thing fascinated me... After a while trying to decide if buying it or not, I remembered the boat so I ran to the pier without getting the item... There were thousands of people there, I couldn't see my family... Almost everybody had their pass to the cruise and were boarding... The ticket office was about to close, only a few people were standing there to get their boarding pass after handing in their boarding certificate... Then I suddenly remembered that mine was in my handbag and my cousin had it... I started to look around desperatedly... I saw some of my family members standing in the queue but my cousin wasn't there... she had already boarded... They joined me and started to shout her name... We finally saw her... She threw my handbag across and I got it... I only had to ran to the ticket office and if I was lucky... Then I woke up...

Thanks Ra!!! I'll wait, don't worry... I didn't mean to be pushy... I understand these are difficult dates for everybody with the Christmas celebrations...

posted January 12, 2009 11:11 AM         

I have been calling you by the wrong name. Shows you how good my Spanish really is.

I could not agree more with good girl about about your shadow self.

This dream suggests that there is a part of yourself which has been walled off (castle/stone fortress) to protect your psyche from some sort of difficult emotional/psychological material which originated in your youth (12 years old or so). This material resides within your unconscious (town underground), pushed deep down, accessible only through a "hidden gate" in your mind. The strange girl represents this dark/difficult material which exists there, and which secretly "manipulates" and pursues you until the time you are ready for the light of day to shine upon it and dissipate it.

What is it? What is this material, this issue, which has been locked away in your subconscious mind for so long?

The dream suggests that something happened in your youth which traumatized you in some way. You were in desperate need of an adult, or some kind of protection, from something, or someone, which terrified you, and there was no one there to help you. There was something from which you could not escape.

What was it? What experience have you buried? Is good girl right about the sexual link?

What are your feelings about this?

posted January 12, 2009 11:18 AM         

It is suggested that at some time in your childhood (same gang of children) you lost or gave up some part of your identity (gave handbag to cousin), and therefore control over this aspect of yourself. It seems that there is now a need to gain control over this aspect of your inner self (magical item), but there is indecision concerning this (at least subconsciously) and the reality of acknowledging this lost aspect causes anxiety within you (running out of time to board).

Much of this seems to be taking place on a subconscious level, and may therefore be difficult to identify.

How do you feel about this?

posted January 12, 2009 02:48 PM         

I'm still shocked with your interpretations... They hit a cord... You may be right on...
I think you are right... The thing I don't feel safe knowing, this part that has been walled off has to be sexual. It makes sense... I'm amazed of how you can know that from a dream...

For some reason I'm terrified of sex. I have been all my adult life, even before... So terrified that I'm technically a virgin... It's not just physical sex but the intimacy that goes with it. I fear men, it takes me a lot to trust them enough to let them get (romantically) close to me, I tend to push them away or disuade them very quickly when I sense they are interested. I fear being (sexually) hurt and abandoned... And I don't know why. I haven't been sexually abused even when sometimes I feel as if I would.

Astrologically, that is reflected in my Venus-Saturn conjunction in the 8th house. I got told in a reading that I may have been raped in a past life and I was carrying that memory as an unresolved issue...

The thing is the guy I'm referring in the other dreams ( http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum15/HTML/002129.html ) is very close now... that the time is coming... when I will have to face it... or run... I'm so in love with him that... I really want to... but... the only thought makes me panic... and if I miss this one, I will never find someone like him... I know that if there is someone for me, someone to be the one, that is him.

Is sex / my sexual identity the magical item? I do feel I'm running out of time in this aspect...

Do you remember this dream: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum15/HTML/002081.html ?

posted January 13, 2009 01:45 AM         

But I suppose the point is now being made again, so we can continue to try and shed light upon this thing, so you can begin to heal yourself. We also now have Good Girl enlisted in the effort, so with her knowledge (which is impressive ) I am sure you will find something out about this.

While I am certainly open to the possibilities of past life influence, I am not getting the feeling of it in this case.

Good Girl, thank you so much for the help you are offering here, and elsewhere in this forum.

posted January 13, 2009 02:36 PM         

My chart follows... If you see anything, please let me know...

posted January 14, 2009 01:39 AM         

There is a way to take the emotional sting out of this issue. The issue itself will still need to be resolved, but you may be able to approach it much more easily without the accompanying anxiety and fear. You may even be able to "approach" this man.

Please, try this. There is nothing to loose and everything to gain. It is easy, quick, and I have myself seen what the technique can do, in a most astonishing way.
www.emofree.com

posted January 14, 2009 05:59 PM         

Thank you... I have downloaded the manual and I will try...

I hope you are right and I'll get through it without ruining our story. I really love him and I think I can do a lot for him... Maybe he can help me heal as well...

posted January 14, 2009 08:18 PM         

Since you are sensitive to this subject we'll go slow.
First of all I think that the issue does stem into very early childhood. (by the way do you have any experience with astrology- I'll point to the indicators).

The reason I think this is that the moon rules your 8th house and is in your 1st.=your sex house ruler is in your earliest environment house.
And because it conjuncts neptune from the 12th, I think is why it is less something you remember. Also you have mars conj jupiter which is an indicator of an earlier sexual experience, and it is square pluto, which indicates sexual abuse.(in the 10th, representing your father)To add strength to this statement is the fact that jupiter rules your rising sign, more likely then to manifest physically. Also pluto is the ruler of your 12th/subconscious, and secret things, it is found in the house of your father.

Now the moon could be an issue you pick up through someone's feelings, but as it falls right on your ascendant line I am more inclined to think there was an actual event.
I think the problem is connected with a sibling or cousin. (I first thought that when I read your dream, )Looking at your 3rd house, which rules those people, we see that the neptune I mentioned earlier on your asc with your moon, actually is the ruler of the 3rd. To me this is strong enough by placement to be the problem, but let's continue.
If we look at the 8th from the 3rd, which is the 10th (this represents your sibling/cousin's sex house) its ruler is venus (because libra on cusp). And where do we find venus in your chart? Right where we would suspect, in your 8th house.(your sex house). What makes this even more likely to be the problem is that venus is conj saturn. Meaning your inhibition is connected to their sex house.

Now let's look at the other ruler of your 8th, the sun. Leo is fully in the 8th, and dispositor over that nasty little venus/saturn conj.
Now the sun often represents the father. Saturn also represents the father. And if we look at your 10th house(father) the ruler is libra's venus. Which is in your 8th conj saturn. Now this would point to your father. And if we look at the father's sex house 8th from 10th we find taurus, whose ruler venus is in your sex house conj saturn.Also your father's 12th (12th from 10th) has the sun in it (your 8th ruler) making wide squares to your neptune and your mars.

Now how do we resolve the sibling/cousin thing and the father thing? Well if your father was abusive then it may be that a sibling was also abused. So we go back to the 3rd/siblings.
Before I go on with a long list of connecting factors, why don't I leave it at this for you to think about.
Because truthfully, there seems to be 101 ways you can interpret anything astrological.
I think it looks like there is a good chance you were in some early sexual situation. But as you've alread said you were not, then either I'm interpretating it wrong or you don't remember it.
Was your father at home? Did you have a sibling or cousin?
I don't know. If you have your father or sibling/cousins chart we could compare. But frankly what good does it do if you have no memory of this?
And the sticky part of all this, is your 10th could be representing your mother, as it sometimes does, and since you have cancer (sign) of mother on 8th,your mother did influence this house. And if we look at the 4th the other parent house we have mars as the ruler and it is conj your asc ruler, and in cancer to boot. Showing a close connection between you and your mother.
And frankly we go through the same houses and prominent aspect when we look at the 4th and it's 8th,etc. So like I said in astrology , things can be interpretated 101 ways (perhaps unless your an expert, which honestly I'm not). But we could then read all of the above stuff another way. That your mother was sexually inhibited, (as shown by the 12th (8th from 4th) and it's aspects (already mentioned by reinterpreted a different way) show that her inhibition and fear was picked up by you, perhaps through subtle ways, remarks carelessly spoken infront of a child...

posted January 14, 2009 11:24 PM         

Essentially your not done dealing with this, more like only getting started. It progresses through the year, more concentrated in sept., cont through next year even, looking like it peaks (comes out in the open) when saturn goes over you mc in sept 2010.
Anyway let's get into the past.

First I went to 1989 sept. because in the dream you mention 12 years old. Immediately I see 3(!!) planets about the same place in capricorn, which would be opposing you mars/ jupiter conj. (sex/your body ruler)

As the planets are close but not at the right degree I go back until I find the right degree. Planets are saturn, uranus, and neptune. I chose to look for saturns exact degree and when I find it, guess what. Neptune is at the same degree (thus both opposite your mars) and uranus is exact opposite your jupiter.

The date is Feb, 1989.That same month venus is exact opposite your venus/saturn conj on the on the 23rd-24. The sun being in your sibling/ cousin house opposite mercury.

Since saturn is the main culpret natally, I follow his trail. Saturn goes retrograde on that spot in June '89 and neptune is still with it. This time jupiter and sun opposite your asc.And mars in the picture returning to it's spot, this indicating the "event" if there indeed is one would be June '89

With the finall passing of this transit in Nov/Dec.

So I would look back at these dates.
Your dream really hit the right age!

posted January 15, 2009 05:46 PM         

I don't have any memories of being abused. My brother and sister weren't either. Not sexually abused.
My connection with my mother is not easy. I tend to reject her for some reason.
I don't know if my father abused my mother. I only know that she became pregnant and they had to marry. Then I was born. I think my mother was in love with him, maybe not... and he didn't really love her... He has been verbally abusive since as long as I remember, especially towards my mother and siblings. He's a bit nicer towards me.

June 89. I don't remember anything especial. Only that it was a very hard time at school. I hated it. Some kids bullied me, I was in love with a boy that didn't even know that I existed, I felt so boring, unattractive... I still have emotional scars. Nothing sexual though.

Saturn return was a real nightmare. I was already posting here. It was actually worse at the end of 2004. It felt like being abandoned in a cold stone cell, absolutely alone and forgotten, to die. Romantically, I had given up. I contacted that old flame I mention in the three dream post (the one I was in love with in June 89), but it didn't work well. Then he appeared on December 05 but only started to feel like real option, I really fell for him in December 06.

posted January 15, 2009 09:37 PM         

I'm sorry, I was only focusing on the negetive because anything positive wouldn't have given you any fear.

ooohh, I hate making people feel bad.Like I said there are many ways something can manifest, an event, emotionally, intellectually, a belief or a goal. I was trying to find aspects/postions that could (not must) become something that would inhibit you.

You know it could be as simple as having overheard one too many conversations between your parents, or maybe a sibling/ cousin said things in passing about what "mommy and daddy do when they're alone" that there after effected how you thought of them.

posted January 17, 2009 12:27 PM         

I used to overhear conversations when I was small. They shouted at each other constantly, discussing mainly about family matters... My mother used to cry constantly... Nothing sexual though... My father never hit us or my mother. He did threaten her sometimes but never did.

Maybe the connection is that I started knowing about sex when I found a book at my father's office at home. He has many books about sex... not porn... more kamasutra-like... I was too young, 11 or 12 years old, the first time... and then I carried on sneaking in that room to read for several years, even when we had been always banned from it... I remember that the first time that I read about it, I found it gross and repulsive...but my curiosity was stronger... I used to play with myself and then feel really guilty about it, ashamed because I was a catholic and that was supposed to be wrong... I remember my anxiety when I had to confess my sins to the priest... otherwise I could not comulgate on Sunday and my uncle, aunt and cousins would think I was a sinner... I attended mass with them because my parents were not believers... I abandoned my religious faith when I was 17...

posted January 18, 2009 11:00 PM         

It sounds to me like much of your distress comes from guilt and not having had anyone to talk to about what you where discovering and learning.

My dad had a huge porn collection when I was little, and unfortunately didn't hide it very well. My innocence was stripped away at an early age. Which is bad enough, but the fact that I was somewhat aroused by what I saw and unsatiably curious, paved the way for a very sexually experimental childhood.

I can't imagine having to confess that stuff at that age, I would have died of mortification first. I don't know where you found the courage.