posted February 05, 2011 12:07 AM            

ETA,
nm I don't feel comfortable commenting on this one.
I'm of the firm belief that parents should stay out of their child's relationships if they're old enough to make their own decisions.
I've never introduced anyone I was romantically involved with to my family, not that people shouldn't, I was just not going to let anyone try to interfere.

posted February 05, 2011 01:07 AM            

Kat

posted February 05, 2011 01:37 AM            

quote:

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If you think he's mature enough to be dating someone that much older at his young age then you should also let him be free to make his choice about whether to stay or go. To do anything else would be inconsistent and sending mixed messages.

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Lonake, there's a thread on the age thing that was just moved to the Sweet Pea forum: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum27/HTML/000316-2.html

I agree with you that a 16 year old who's been dating someone five years older since he was 14 should be given a lot of space and freedom to either have the relationship privately from his parents, or to move away from the relationship. Lots of great relationships with important connections end at that age, which is healthy. A two year relationship with an adult is pretty heavy even for another adult! For a 14-16 year-old, getting to be single, connect with other people, connect with girls his age, might be great for his growth.

posted February 05, 2011 02:32 AM            

That heavy father stuff is a lifelong thing he'll be dealing with, so is the substance abuse (as an issue/question/danger.) His Saturn Return in his late-twenties, early thirties, will be when it all really comes to a head, one way or another. He's already been through a really tough time.

Please give him space and freedom. He needs to be able to end OR stay in this relationship on his own.

As I've said elsewhere, we're ALL equally connected at the soul level, not just people to people, but also to all other living beings. I think our soul can never be divided!

With this kid's chart, knowing that his five-years-older, earth-triangle uber-Virgo girlfriend is considered "part of the family" by his mother would already be WAY more than too much pressure...without his mother also thinking the relationship is fated and the Virgo has "a lot to teach him", that he apparently needs to learn by being romantically involved with her at age 16. It's hard when families get attached to a partner, and then the relationship ends, but since you love him you need to choose him--wish her well, but let him have space outside of that relationship if he wants. Which means, you also taking space from her, and having a family life that she isn't involved in. Care for him needs to be #1.

The pressure could be harming him more than you realize right now, and the harm might not show up until later. He's only 16, and has had to struggle with substance abuse ALREADY, and be in a heavy 2-year relationship with an adult Virgo that his mother thinks is spiritually fated (and maybe his dad and the Virgo thought so too), AND he lost his father very recently? As you can see from my above post, I could tell from his chart that there was really rough father stuff, but not that it was such an overt and recent loss...I thought maybe he had an absentee alcoholic dad who had hit him or something.

Please let him know that you love him and support him unconditionally, including if he chooses to leave this relationship. And that you trust him to find his own spiritual path, and to connect with the people HE feels drawn to.

He will FEEL your trust and support of his freedom more than respond to anything you can say...in fact he is very unlikely to be able to articulate what's going on inside him even to himself at the truest, deepest level until that Saturn return...so it's more about the choice to give him space and freedom in your own head and heart. He will never want to ackowledge even to himself if he feels pressured. Taking away that pressure could save his life, allow him to breathe.

He's not on a merged path with this Virgo, in the sense that they must be a romantic couple while he's a teen mourning his dad. Privacy, space, internal independence, other relationships, and plenty of TIME are all essential ingredients for him to ride out the next decade and grow into a man. Pluto/Saturn stuff is not easy. If he does not get the space, TIME, and freedom from pressure he needs, he could turn to some private, secret (and secretive) self-destruction. As his mother you can protect him from that by setting him free and loving him inside yourself. The mother role is very important to him.

His relationship with her is actually secondary right now to other issues in his growth and development. Be HIS mother first and foremost, or to put it another way, be his MOTHER first and foremost. Give him time to figure things out on his own--and he may need lots of time, years--and freedom to unburden himself from adult pressures if he wants to. (Again, not external freedom, but freedom in your heart that he will feel and sense.)

I feel so sad for him with the father/substance stuff I saw in his chart...I did not think it was that his dad had died.

posted February 10, 2011 04:10 PM            

I know you think I'm motivated by jealousy and not on a spiritual path (based on your comments elsewhere)...but actually, I'm a big fan of people finding love and happiness and connecting in great, healthy, close relationships. One great connection doesn't take away from another.

This thread and your son's chart make me concerned that you put him in a situation where he was subjected to physical and/or emotional-verbal abuse when he was younger. I hope I'm very wrong about that! (The fact that his dad recently passed away could also account for what I saw/felt in the chart.)

Attributing deep spiritual meaning to your illegal choices about your kid (a statutory rape relationship with someone five years older when he was fourteen is illegal...if he was ever hit, pushed, or hurt in the home, that's also illegal) may be more comforting than confronting how the choices you've made call your judgment into question.

I can understand not wanting to break up their illegal relationship when you found out about it--that might've been rougher on him than letting it be--but if he is finally ready to get space from it on his own, that's a healthy sign. It's really questionable, not to mention illegal, not to support that.

(And deciding that I am not on a spiritual path, etc etc, is just as judgmental as you're accusing me of being! I AM being judgmental, and I don't have a problem with that.)

Anyway, I wanted to respond to your comment in the other thread. I really do hope your son will be safe, happy, free from harm, and well.

posted February 10, 2011 04:55 PM            

It's good that they have worked things out.

posted February 10, 2011 10:51 PM            

If not a 19 year old with a 14-year-old, how about a 13-year-old? 12? 11? 10? Never, because "the soul knows no age" or some creepy apologism like that?

I believe in love too...but age ISN'T "nothing but a number"....kids deserve to develop and grow without being put in the position to have adult responsibilities and relationships. The staturory rape laws are there for a good reason--I hope I'm not the only person here who thinks it's good and right to encourage a mother not to break them. (From some of the other posts, I think I'm not.)

quote:

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...my son admits if it weren't for her, he wouldn't be where he is...he was running down a very 'dark' road before she came into his life...they are best friends, and she is the only one he has truly ever opened up to...

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This right here is a huge red flag that this child didn't get the safety, protection, and care he deserved from his parents--at 14, to ALREADY have been down "a very 'dark' road" is way too young.

She probably did offer him comfort and solace at a rough time, especially if he was indeed subject to seeing or experiencing violence in his home, and it's probably good his mother didn't try to break things up. But that doesn't mean he should be pressured to stay in an adult relationship.

posted February 10, 2011 11:11 PM            

If I remember correctly they hid the relationship from his mother in the beginning which changes a lot. If it wasn't this girl it would be some other girl, if she wasn't as older or at least the same age the essence of the relationship will not change because of his abuse. He will seek some resolution of his abuse in his relationships. If the relationship is wrong because of his abuse it doesn't matter who he's in a relationship with, older or younger, it would still contain the same elements of the one he is in now. If they break up, his next relationship will be similar to his previous one and the next one after that, and the one after that Until he learns how to deal with it.

When I was 16 or 17 I dated a guy that was 25. When I was 19 I dated a guy that was 26/27. Both relationships were wrong for me and the age difference was very apparent even though I was of consensual age.

posted February 10, 2011 11:30 PM            

quote:

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If they break up, his next relationship will be similar to his previous one and the next one after that, and the one after that Until he learns how to deal with it.

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Sure, yes...and I'm not saying it sounds like an abusive relationship, or wrong for him. Just illegal, and though I understand why his mother would let it continue when it came to light--instead of call the police and forbid him to see her or something, which would've done damage--he should not be under any pressure at all to continue the relationship now. It should be entirely his own decision.

I meant to say I worried that he had been subjected to abuse or violence at the hands of his parents, not his girlfriend.

And at a certain point with a child and adult, parents should intervene and press charges, don't you think?

You didn't answer this question:

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at what point would you see it as a problem?
If not a 19 year old with a 14-year-old, how about a 13-year-old? 12? 11? 10? Never....

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I hope if someone wrote on the site that her now-16-year-old child had gotten involved with a 19-year-old when he was 12, everyone would be alarmed and think the law should've intervened.

posted February 10, 2011 11:53 PM            

If it isn't, I hope someone who *can* help him, will.