posted April 23, 2010 02:04 AM         

Vapor...yeah, I'd have a problem if the person I were with were even to have a one-night stand. I can't wrap my mind around that. I mean, I guess I could potentially. I'd cross that bridge if/when I get there, but I certainly wouldn't be neutral about it lol. There would be hell to pay initially. I'm just a very possessive person by nature, and work very hard and have my whole life to ease up on that. And while I have had progress... I think that I also still have that core part of me which has abandonment issues, and associates it with 'being left'. So it creates extra friction for me.

On top of that....I have no desire generally to have sex with anyone that I am not in a relationship with. That's when I am in a relationship. If I'm not in one, I don't care. I'll have sex whenever I feel like it, and always assume the other person is not attached until/unless there's a relationship talk of wanting to make things more serious. When it gets to that point, I lose all desire to be with anyone else sexually. But if that desire starts to gnaw at me, if I start to become seriously attracted to others...then it's time to move on. Then I feel myself becoming way too interested in others and less invested in the relationship which I am supposed to be in. Then it's just not fair because I am not longer wanting to make an effort. And for all the love I may still feel, it's just more Philios/brotherly love at that point, no longer sexual.

Platonic love is great. It's just that I have it with my brother. My grandmother. My cat. I can even have it with my boyfriend in doses. But to have that as a theme in relationship?

No thanks.

It's not to say I can't understand platonic love...I do. I just don't feel it's how *I* love. I love with my entire body just as I do with my spirit, because there is no separation to me between the two.

posted April 23, 2010 04:37 AM         

I'm taking "cheat" here as betrayal of trust, especially an oath breaker, as opposed to say getting into a relationship and ASSUMING the 2 of you are in a monogamous relationship.

Cheating also happens in polyamory, because even though it involves more than 2 people, there are typically still agreements in place on who the others are, how they relate, what their obligations to each other are, and whether someone from outside the polyamorous relationships must be accepted by the others.

In contrast, "open" relationships (including marriage) and the like don't show cheating, because it's not a break of trust to become involved with others so it's not cheating.

The entitlement isn't inherent, it's agreed upon. Once agreed upon then it becomes binding, and if you break it your honor & trustworthiness is damaged for it (and possibly more if you actually sign a legal agreement regarding it).

If you want to lie to get into someone's pants though, feel free. Enough other men & women are lying to do that. It's why it's important to learn to see through someone else's BS rather than taking people at their word.

Btw, little known is that even Christian Europe into the Renaissance (at least in the upper classes) continued the ancient practice of separating love, marriage, and sex. It wasn't unknown for lords to provide boy toys for their wives after a political or business marriage (especially if he was old--and sometimes gay), though of course he often had affairs to but their wives generally thought "it does not signify" for it didn't affect her position and his obligation to her and her family. But that was easier when divorce was much more scandalous (though this brought the increased risk of escaping a toxic marriage through murder). Such an unromantic view of marriage was practiced to a lesser extent among the lower classes, and I understand many married as young teens under the threat of death after pregnancy (and it was much harder to "move to a new town" back then for a guy).

posted April 23, 2010 05:43 AM         

quote:

---

love and sex shouldn't be separate.

Neither should love and conversation.

(If you don't love the person,
don't even talk to them!)

Or love and anything, for that matter.

(If you don't love, don't do anything!)

Why is sex so unique???

---

posted April 23, 2010 01:31 PM         

Having said that.. All men are pigs!

posted April 23, 2010 06:19 PM         

Logically, it is an incorrect question.

Of course it's My business because I AM involved! It's me they are cheating on.

If the question was "If somebody CHEATS, is it any of your business?", then NO, I would not give a monkey.

posted April 24, 2010 06:37 AM         

quote:

---

And what does it profit us, to know another man's holy wife,
if it would only mean widening, and not deepening, our love?
Let every seeker be divinely satisfied with a single wife; --
for then shall his eye be single, as the Lord says, and not covetous.

---

posted April 24, 2010 02:27 PM         

Then, of course, there is also the issue of accidentally getting someone besides your partner pregnant. I'd say that would impact ME and US greatly on an emotional and financial level if my boyfriend knocked someone else up.

posted April 24, 2010 04:03 PM         

So much is made of sex in this day and age, as if everyone *ought* to be doing it - with man, woman, animal, mineral, vegetable, whatever.

There are those that brag about how much they get...and how much they are into it...as if they needed to prove their presumed superior attractiveness to everyone else... but seriously, I wonder just how much people get. Probably not a lot, on balance.

posted April 24, 2010 09:41 PM         

quote:

---

I know there are wives who make their husbands wear condoms as they assume they're cheat while overseas or driving a truck.

Having seen many who go for prostitutes and how many of them wear wedding bands and even look like family men I think it's a wise move.

---

posted April 24, 2010 09:49 PM         

But before that agreement is made,
who somebody sees is not your business.

So, my question is...

On what grounds do you decide
that it is your business
who somebody shares with.

I don't think the STD argument holds.
We have to trust people constantly --
we trust the waiter not to poison our food,
we trust the guy in the other lane not to
cut us off and kill us all of a sudden.
But you don't get to do a background check on
every waiter and every driver you encounter.
And in a relationship, trust should come
with even less strings attached.

I just think its fascinating how we all
decide right away that it's our business,
and that we're more than justified when
we demand knowledge of a lover's relations,
and demand that they see nobody else.

I don't know if people realize that
they do it, not because it's natural and right,
but because they are weak, selfish, and possessive.

I mean, I think it's okay
to set those conditions with your mate.

But people should realize that
it IS out of weakness, and it IS
about controlling and confining
the person you supposedly love.

That's my point.

Also, that many great relationships end,
or turn sour, and many more never begin,
because of such restrictions.

That's all.