posted January 23, 2011 07:48 PM            

so, sorry you found my post offensive.

posted January 23, 2011 09:34 PM            

Y'all spread a rumour about me (two people in this thread), before telling Spanky what you'd heard - something I've already posted about at length. It wasn't true, but whatever was said was believed and passed along. I still wonder who snitched on PDF, and I had no idea of half the rumours that were flying around before that, until I was approached privately about several things, as well being told something in response to a couple of questions I asked, trying to figure out what in the hell was going on. I deactivated my FB, because I was upset over how much of my energy had gone into what was going on there, and here - I needed to take a huge step back, and should have done so much sooner. Absinthe's apology made me cry - I wasn't expecting a public one. I wondered if I was being moderated, at the time, because I didn't fall in until I'd posted, that Charmaine might have been talking about me in her 'cakes' thread - i didn't know anything else had happened, so if my 'shooting my mouth off' - in my own defense, something I had every right to do - sparked somethign else, then I'm sorry. You still haven't apologized for spreading an untrue rumour about me, but I wasn't looking for one, either.

I started out wanting to leave the boards because of the bannings, and because a good friend of mine felt the need to leave over certain things that had happened. Good people left because of the bannings (or were banned), but I also did say something for Randall, when he admitted fault/error in that regard. My reason for leaving, ended up being because I was accused of something I didn't do, and then because I couldn't handle any more drama on the board or off - I had a good cry after I last posted, because I miss people here, because of Absinthe's apology, because of Juni, BearsArcher, and others - I miss a lot of people, but I'm also still wondering who spread rumours about a friend of mine, about me - who gave me the shaft, and made up those things about me. Y'all are just as bad as whomever you're condemning, if you've chatted, suspected and snarked behind people's backs (like my own back). So, who told Randall what about me? Who spread rumours about a friend of mine who left? Who took what was told to Randall, and passed it along before anything was said to me about it? How many people were told before *I* was? As I said, I was clueless about this crap until I was dragged into it, and started asking about things. You lost good people due to those bannings, and I resented being blamed for thier loss, when I had nothing to do with it.

Forgiveness? I'm not entirely sure who I need to forgive. I held no ill-will towards those who had the rubbish dumped on them, being told it was me. I'd love to know who caused the trouble in the first place, so that I could forgive them for making things up about me, and dragging my name through the mud, let alone those of other people. I decided to leave at the end of December, because I didn't want to visit here and feel any sort of resentment towards anyone, I didn't want to feel like the poop on someone's playground (or 'cakes'), I wanted to let it go, and I've been trying to. so, once again, if my posts from late December sparked anything, then I'm sorry, it wasn't intentional (that is, if y'all have even tried to tie this to me as well - if you haven't then great! If you have, then y'all are barking up the wrong tree, once again). I miss most of the people here, but I don't miss this crap. I'm working on forgiving y'all for the mess from December, just as some possibly are when it comes to the bannings (unless they've now managed to move on).

I hope I'm just being paranoid/egotistical, whatever, because I have no idea what's going on, and am just plundering in here, feeling worried - I don't care if I make a fool of myself. to the quotes on forgiveness. I remember a slightly different quote, something about feeling resentment towards another is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person (you're the only one who'd affected). I can't even believe that I'm posting, because I was letting it all go, but I'm sad to see firecracker go - she isn't the type to spread or believe rumours (and neither am I - I try to take people as they present themselves to me, and then come to my own conclusions). I have a great deal of respect for her.

“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde

“And if your friend does evil to you, say to him, ''I forgive you for what you did to me, but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?''”
Friedrich Nietzsche

How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Maybe I have forgiven, because I feel only sadness when it comes to those who deliberately hurt others.

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”
G. K. Chesterton

to all.

posted January 24, 2011 01:14 AM            

I will reply to your post a bit later - I'm at work at the moment.There is much to address.

Edit and Teasel if you go back to the "no cake" thread you will see that I offered you words of encouragement to your post.
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Being loved by all is little fun
Unless you're also loved by one.
~Robert Brault

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