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Author
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Topic: Now that I finally found someone, he's dying :((
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Geocosmic* Valentine
Knowflake Posts: 1191
From: New York, NY
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 20, 2011 09:39 PM
  
Hi Hera and Ami Anne,I'm responding to the Horary Chart, I didn't read further just so you don't think I'm ignoring additional information - hmm - I probably said that wrong, I guess I just wanted to comment on the Horary, I didn't read any further. I completely forgot to look at derivative houses. I guess I was concentrating on too many charts today. Yes, I find it interesting that Jupiter is the ruler of the derivative 6th House. But it seems at this point there are other charts, etc. that you're both looking at now. Just wanted to say thanks for the reminder, I never seem to hold onto the Horary information that I gather over the years. Oh well. I hope that everything turns out as well as possible for you Hera. IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 20, 2011 09:50 PM
It's ok, Geo, no worries. I understand. I posted a lot of info and many charts in this thread, it is overwhelming even for me. I cannot draw any conclusions from my horary interpretation, maybe because I'm subjective. I can see him and me clearly and it makes sense, but I have no clue whether he thought he was ill or still is.  Thank you for your help and support in this matter.  It has been a blessing. You are a very kind and dear soul to me. I will let you know if there are any news. I'm curious to know, as well, even if just for learning purposes. But not only that... IP: Logged |
Saraintheski
Knowflake Posts: 547
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted August 21, 2011 01:10 AM
I am so sorry I somewhat know what that fear is like but not to that extent all you can do is show him lots of love and warmth as simple as that sounds maybe he'll see that life is worth saving he has more he has someone who loves him now that wasn't there before maybe he isn't thinking clearly obviously .. <3 IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 05:14 AM
Thank you... Sara... for caring. IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 05:17 AM
I'm freaking out. It's so hard without him. We used to talk every day. I miss him so much... In this state of mind, I'm thinking nothing matters anymore, I just want to talk to him again or see him again... Oh God, what if he was telling the truth and I made a huge mistake? IP: Logged |
Voix_de_la_Mer
Knowflake Posts: 629
From:
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted August 21, 2011 06:53 AM
Hera,I have read the whole thread, and you've been on quite a rollercoaster with this guy. You have an opportunity right now hat you guys have some space, to find out what draws you to him so strongly. Feelings of being in love can be very intoxicating, and so can feelings of loss of love, both can be a comfort, ironic as that may sound, and very addictive. I tend to think though that it's a sign to learn something about yourself. Does he hold any characteristics you lack, or may be due to develop to have a more whole sense of self (I'm not counting his presumed dishonesty here), of the desirable kind? I'm not saying your love isn't real, of course it is, but I believe love is a message as much as a feeling, a hint toward where your next step for growth is. So, it may help to look at the situation in that light, it might take your mind off the details that are confusing and stressful. If you can get to a place where you are not so focused on the details that are upsetting you, if/when you reconcile, or have your next coversation for whatever purpose, you will not be so negatively influenced by whatever happens. Hope I made sense here, and helped a little. Your reaction to this situation that I have gathered resonates very much with me. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 21, 2011 10:11 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
I'm freaking out. It's so hard without him. We used to talk every day. I miss him so much... In this state of mind, I'm thinking nothing matters anymore, I just want to talk to him again or see him again... Oh God, what if he was telling the truth and I made a huge mistake?
Try talking with him again.
You enjoyed it and so did he I assume?
You miss him too.
Will you forever regret it if you do not talk with him again?
Regret is an awful thing.:'( 
And yes, what if he was telling the truth?
Or what if even, it is not a terminal thing, but some MS type lesions or other not immediately lethal brain growth or scarring and he cannot think clearly at this time?
I would if it were me, talk with him, let him talk if he wants to. You simply do not have enough facts yet to simply toss him out of your life just yet.
Maybe he is a fellow afraid of commitment
and if you can accept that and simply enjoy any conversations, then try to do so.
Now I get him wandering long hallways, opening each door, peeping in, they sighing in disappointment or sadness, but he keeps walking down the oddly brightly lit white corridors and opens each perfectly spaced door and peeps in, then sighs and closes each and moves on to the next.
He is wearing sunglasses too for some reason and a belt? about his forehead. He is wearing white pajamas with a long purple/red necktie that goes all the way to the floor.
Yes, my readings often make no sense to me but can to the person I give it to.
Like once I began yelling during an on site psychic investigation;
"cats! hats! umbrellas!"
well the man started laughing him self silly! 
He knew exactly what it meant!  IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 10:22 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
I'm freaking out. It's so hard without him. We used to talk every day. I miss him so much... In this state of mind, I'm thinking nothing matters anymore, I just want to talk to him again or see him again... Oh God, what if he was telling the truth and I made a huge mistake?
A Nessus relationship is a repeat of past abuse by definition ime
It seems like you will die if you do not get him but he really represents the past.
The actual him you prolly are not seeing ime IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 02:39 PM
I'm in so much pain right now... I had surgery myself this week, my body aches, my mind aches... my soul aches... I don't think I can or want to live without him. I only slept for an hour last night, I had surgery in the morning and I was a mess. I tried to keep my cool. I haven't cried until a few minutes ago. Yesterday I deleted everything that reminded me of him, his picture, our conversations... I thought it would be easier to move on if I have nothing to remind me of him. It has been until now. But not this time... Everything was so different with him. Of course I thought I have fallen in love every time, I'm such a Liz Taylor, every time it feels like he is the one... But this time, *I* behaved differently. I opened my heart, I told him how I felt, I went against my fears and my ego. I have never done this before, never been so open, never actually reached out for somebody. I met him online on a dating site, I don't know if I mentioned this in here. I had many doubts and reservations, but all those vanished when I first met him in person... I still cannot get over that feeling I had when I saw his eyes for the first time. I felt peaceful... We argued before the meeting, too... but when I saw him, all of that just vanished and I was overflowed with peace. I never felt that peace before. It was either a strong desire or boredom when first going out with guys, never peace... I was silent during the meeting, I felt there was no need for words, like everything was so clear to me, there was no need to explain or justify that. He talked a lot, he was very nervous. He didn't take my hand because his was sweaty, he told me that later.
I keep thinking back. Truth is he promised he will never lie to me, and until this, it was true. He told me he deleted his account on the dating site, I checked today and it was gone. And you are right, LEXX, I don't have enough reasons to eliminate him from my life. All I really have is my suspicion. That could be intuition guarding me from yet another abuser, as Ami said, or it could be fear that this is getting too serious. I'm a little bit of a commitment-phobe to be honest (Juno square Uranus?). And yes, I tend to sabotage relationships when they are getting too deep, too close, too overwhelming.
That girl on the other forum really got to me. She is so convinced that he is lying, that he is bad for me. And I guess it resonated with my own doubts and fears...
Voix_de_la_Mer, your post really got me thinking... The thing about him that draws me to him is this faith he had in us from the very beginning, faith that as you can see, I'm still lacking. The fact that he pursued me with such conviction that I am what he's been looking for his whole life, that I make him want to be a better man ... I envy his confidence, I am forever unsure. I also envy the fact that he's so at ease with himself. I haven't made peace with my dark side, he has. He embraced it and uses it in his favor. I'm still repressing and denying it.
I cannot explain this pain I'm feeling that he's gone. It's not just disappointment, it's a void. My life seems so empty now. I went to the supermarket earlier because I was out of supplies and also because I had to get out of the house. The supermarket always gets to me. Seeing couples kissing, holding hands... seeing parents with their children happy, enjoying their meal or buying something nice for them... I want a family so bad... It's probably the thing that I want most in this world and the thing that is always out of reach for me. I can't stand the fact that I'm all alone again. What am I supposed to do with myself now? How can I bounce back again, after this? There have been many disappointments during the last 3-4 years, like being stood up on Valentine's day after the guy proposed to me and so many others that I don't want to remember. They all hurt, but I managed to get back on my feet somehow. However, it gets harder and harder to do that, disappointment after disappointment, after disappointment... I know this relationship was not ideal, I know there are a lot of things that rush blood to my head and smoke through my ears about him, and viceversa... But somehow I felt this man can teach me to become whole. Not because he completes me or fills the blanks, but because he will push me to break the boundaries that keep me from becoming whole. I want to write him so badly. I wonder if he thinks of me, if he's hurting just as much. I know he is still too proud to make the first step towards reconcilliation, but I'm not. This is the first time that my feelings trumped my ego and my pride. I was like him, too, I never backed down during an argument and certainly haven't made the first step towards peace. I already done this with him, after the ultimatum thing. And he got me all figured out... When he told me about the illness thing, the discussion started with him telling me this: "I know when the moment comes, you won't be able to let me go"... And it's true. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:03 PM
I had one of those loves.It was a Nessus love.The pain of it when/if it goes bad is the pain of death.It is looking over the side of abyss, the grave.
The pain can't be described.It is the wail when someone you love dies.
It is an animal sound. I am crying as I write this. I hear you IP: Logged |
LEXX
Knowflake Posts: 9742
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 21, 2011 03:10 PM
Hera
Follow your heart in this dear lady.
I feel this connection was meant to be.
I do not know why or how it will turn out,
but...I feel that
Something good will come from it.  PS.
I am not in your situation as you are with this man,
however I am in what feels to be a destiny thing and must let it go where it will.
To not do so is a thing I would forever regret I feel.
My logic, and even yes, paranoia says "run",
but my heart, soul, and vibes say go with it! ------------------
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Никола Тесла
~"You have to be willing to give up the life you've planned for in order to live the life that's waiting for you." ~Joseph Campbell
}><}}('>~ IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:21 PM
Thank you, dear ones...Ami, What I felt was that, yes, he reminds me of past abuses, he brings those memories back. Maybe I find his Plutonian side too overwhelming and threatening. But I have to wonder... is this gut feeling or past fears? And why did I feel so SAFE with him? Why did I feel he is RIGHT for me? Why did I feel he will make me heal the wounds from my abuses? In order to do that, one must remind you of your past trauma, to get you to deal with it... No?
LEXX,
Even though your impressions of him didn't strike me from a visual perspective, I think they may be metaphoric. And yes, I think they make sense.
Same thing said my therapist, also... Follow my heart... I swear, it is probably the hardest thing I had to do my whole life, because I am so unsure which comes from my heart and which comes from self-delusion that I am so prone to... IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:25 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
Thank you, dear ones...Ami, What I felt was that, yes, he reminds me of past abuses, he brings those memories back. Maybe I find his Plutonian side too overwhelming and threatening. But I have to wonder... is this gut feeling or past fears? And why did I feel so SAFE with him? Why did I feel he is RIGHT for me? Why did I feel he will make me heal the wounds from my abuses? In order to do that, one much remind you of your past trauma, to get you to deal with it... No?
LEXX,
Even though your impressions of him didn't strike me from a visual perspective, I think they may be metaphoric. And yes, I think they make sense.
Same thing said my therapist, also... Follow my heart... I swear, it is probably the hardest thing I had to do my whole life, because I am so unsure which comes from my heart and which comes from self-delusion that I am so prone to...
Well I felt the safety and the rightness too but now with some vantage point I see it was cuz he WAS home.
A girlfriend came in to my life at the pivotal time when I needed to see what he was all about.She had had the same sort of Nessus relationship.
She brought me out of my denial about my guy. I am not saying you have what I had.I don't know. I am just saying that Nessus relationship brings up ALL the pain one ever had from abuse.
That is a boatload of pain.
Crying was the only thing that really helped.As I healed from him I started to heal from my mother.
I am here if you need me Hera--by e mail too if you want IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:28 PM
I don't know what I have, Ami... I am very confused.
I don't know if this is denial or true love. How will I find out?? Most likely, the hard way...
What Nessus aspects did you have with that guy, Ami? IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:28 PM
I am gonna say this too even though it will be "just words"
Having children, being successful, being beautiful,being loved and any thing else the world can offer will not heal the pain from abuse.
It remains, resistant to everything.
The only therapy that ever helped me was "Cure by Crying" By Stone.
God was the only "Person" who ever really helped in those darkest moments even though many,many people walked alongside me and still do.IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:33 PM
It's not just words. I understand what you said perfectly, because I feel the same way. I know crying is healing, even though it doesn't come naturally to me. I was brought up in a house where crying was forbidden. I am so grateful when I finally allow myself to cry. I'm glad I did it today, at last. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:34 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
I don't know what I have, Ami... I am very confused.
I don't know if this is denial or true love. How will I find out?? Most likely, the hard way...
What Nessus aspects did you have with that guy, Ami?
Hera
His Nessus was an exact conj to my Sun--15 sec off
My Nessus was an exact opposition to his Moon
My Deja conjunct his Moon-exact
His Deja square my Sun exact IP: Logged |
dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 935
From: England
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:43 PM
~IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:44 PM
Wow... all those exact... What happened, if you want to share? I understand if you don't... I probably wouldn't want to go there, either.
I was looking at our Nessus and Dejanira aspects. Aside from those I mentioned, there are some others:
-his Nessus sextile my Chiron (perhaps this is why I feel like I do) and widely, my Venus (perhaps should be ignored)
-my Nessus trine his Karma, Venus and Dejanira (those are conjunct in his chart, Venus being DC ruler - and all in opposition to my Karma and Fortuna).
-his Mars square my Dejanira (I had this one with my last ex, the Bull... IQ said something very fitting about this aspect, that he could use sexual aggression as domination. This was true for my ex, though I didn't play his game, and I think it might be for the Sag, as well)
-my Dejanira sextile his Moon exact... IP: Logged |
dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 935
From: England
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:49 PM
~IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:52 PM
quote:
Originally posted by dysfunctionalmystic:
Hera, if you need to communicate with him - do it. I spent 5 years with the last sag man and we had a really rocky start but one thing he always had....was the ability to suffer a bit of sh!t and move forward. He'll respect your honesty. Let the emotional dust settle. You're bound to be feeling empty/ all over the place and a few other things.
DM Thank you for dropping by in this thread also. I always benefited from your insights. I'm going to write him, just not yet. Right now, the argument is still too recent. I'm confused and all over the place and he's offended and resentful. He wouldn't respond if I'd write now, though I feel like doing it. He said he put me on his ignore list on messenger, but I can still e-mail him. I don't think he did it, though... or hope he didn't...
Anyway, I think it's wiser to wait a bit, even if this kills me inside. I have to cool myself a bit before I write, though I intend to say everything. It might be the last thing I ever say to him. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 29224
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:53 PM
Hera
Do you want to send me his pix.I will see if I can get a vibe from him.My e mail is in Sweet Peas under the Mod's
Well, this guy. Well,the timing was not right but the connection was worth everything just to have it once in a lifetime.------------------
Do You Think This Psychic Is Cute?
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 03:57 PM
quote:
Originally posted by dysfunctionalmystic:
And sorry I forgot to add, that girl on the other site was probably freaking out at his merc/nep thing. My ex had that and he never lied to me. I remember getting a reading when I first started seeing him and the astrologer was complaining about his neptune. I took what she had to say on board but carried on regardless. We had 5 years together, he didn't do anything "wrong" but I wasn't in love with him any more and I couldn't betray my own soul so he had to go. If I was a regular kind of person, the chances are we'd still be together.
I think that girl reacted so strongly against him because she projected her own issues. People do that frequently. The problem was she was very confident about it, and I was unsure, so I fell for it. Truth is, I have not seen any proof that he lied to me. I chose to believe he did, because that story with the mixed lab results was so far fetched IMO and the whole diagnosis thing was suspicious to begin with. But I had no background info and the fact that he resisted sharing it with me amplified my doubts. I don't know what to think anymore. IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 04:03 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Hera
Do you want to send me his pix.I will see if I can get a vibe from him.My e mail is in Sweet Peas under the Mod's
Well, this guy. Well,the timing was not right but the connection was worth everything just to have it once in a lifetime.
Ami, I deleted his picture from my computer. I still have it in my inbox mail, but the thing is, he sent me an old picture, it is 7-8 months old (I told you he's against pictures). He has changed since then, lost a lot of weight and now doesn't resemble the picture almost at all. Do you still think you could use it, since he has changed so much?
IP: Logged |
Hera
Knowflake Posts: 1245
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 21, 2011 04:05 PM
What do you mean by that, the connection was worth everything just to have it once in a lifetime? I feel the same way about him, btw...IP: Logged | |
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