posted August 22, 2011 02:31 PM            

This is why I fell for him so badly. Because I thought he will challenge me to face my own demons and eventually accept myself, as a whole. He challenged the whole fear of abuse, the fear of intimacy, my repressed sexuality, all that. I cannot be certain if the creepiness I described on the other forum came from HIM or from inside myself. If I didn't see all that in me, if his darker side didn't have some sort of correspondence in me, it wouldn't have disturbed me so greatly.

And yes, I believe in healing through love. Both for me and for my partner. I am aware each partner comes into the relationship with some sort of emotional baggage that needs sorting through and healing. Maybe it's my Venus-Chiron unaspected duet that makes me think that. Maybe I feel that I will heal through the love I give others. It's not so much a saviour complex, a Neptune thing, as it is a healing thing, a Chiron thing.

I felt he triggered my past trauma in order to get me to deal with it. I felt I triggered his past trauma for the same reason. I thought we were both mature enough to take on that challenge. I thought the arguments were just reactions to that, this is why I continued the relationship even after the ultimatum thing. Because I believe that in order to heal, I must face my own demons, I must face my dark side. I must understand what exactly it is that I do that attracts abuse in my life so I can make it stop. It was some sort of test for myself, I think, and I was willing to put myself through it. Diana is wrong in thinking I walked in this unaware. Yes, at some point, I romanticized it, I had to, otherwise it wouldn't have been REAL, I wouldn't have FELT it, I would have remained a detached observer. And in order to deal with all the dark hidden in me, I have to feel it, I have to taste it, I have to be in the middle of it.

It ended too soon. I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. This is why I'm still hung up on him. He was the perfect partner for me in this experiment because I reacted to him so strongly. As DM put it, everything about my response to him was a REACTION, not a response. It all came from deep within, nothing about my feelings was controlled. And it was interesting to finally witness myself like this, because I was Saturn's pet all my life. And I am sorry that I didn't get the chance to figure this out.

I also dislike the word victim. I don't view myself as a victim, that's the problem. It is something I don't accept about myself. It is also why there were only threats of sexual abuse and none actually took place. I defended myself against my father. I rebelled. I was Lilith in the 1st opposing Nessus in the 7th, squaring Saturn (father), Mars (men) and Pluto (sexuality). I hit him and pushed him out of my room. I threatened him. And he DID take me seriously. I was raw, I fought for my life, for my security. ALL the other abusers backed out when they saw this side of me, even though they held all the cards. I was helpless, I was trapped, vulnerable and alone. The threat was real, they all expressed their intentions to harm me sexually (the two boys who locked me in a room said it loud and clear: WE want to rape you. The guy in the dark alley, after he chased me towards that dark alley, at midnight, said: I need a woman). But it never happened because I never allowed myself to become the victim. Maybe that's my problem. I need to accept the fact that I am a victim. I have all the psychological symptoms, but I'm still in denial. I'm rejecting it and refusing to deal with it. Until I will be able to accept that and FEEL it, I will continue to attract abusers in order to get me to face it.

posted August 22, 2011 03:31 PM            

There is still the issue of his illness and whether or not he lied. I think some of it was true, either he believed it or it actually happened. He was supposed to retake whatever tests he took today. I wonder if he did. I still want to help him, from a medical standpoint. The diagnosis felt suspicious to me. Either the doctors didn't suspect a brain haematoma in the first place and it was arrived at only recently, or they were incompetent. I find it hard to believe, though, that 3 doctors made the same mistake.

I don't believe the tests being switched, though. I think this was a lie.

posted August 22, 2011 05:45 PM            

I'd like to profit from my detached, analytical state today and deal with some things.

First off, his chart. I have no reason to believe this chart is not valid. So far, what I know of him is consistent with his chart. Even my 3 Aries planets falling in his 6th house of health are consistent with my interest and desire to help him in this respect, also to figure out whether or not he is actually ill. I think his Ascendant is somewhere between 1-10 degrees of Scorpio, from Geo's and my rectification of his chart. It's hard to say where his Asc really is due to lack of information on the exact dates some events took place.

Also, because his chart is consistent with what I know of him, I have to believe he was telling the truth about his life.

The illness thing. First of, he was convincing about his belief in his illness. I believed he thought he was sick. My doubts were regarding his diagnosis and the way the doctors arrived to it. I was suspicious about THAT. It was inconsistent with my medical experience, but he may have expressed himself poorly because of his lack of medical knowledge and might have given me a false perspective. I have no way of knowing that until I take a look at his tests.

BUT there are very serious indications of illness in his transits, his progressions and solar arcs. Even in his current Lunar and Solar return. That's too much coincidence, that they all are pointing in the same direction. So something is going on with him, whether his illness is physical or mental.

Regarding his mental health... I haven't mentioned this in this thread, but my first boyfriend was born a few hours before him, which means that they have pretty similar charts, at least regarding planetary positions in signs and aspects, also regarding their synastry with me. Now, my first boyfriend WAS mentally ill and was on psychiatric medication while we were dating. Probably still is, I don't know, we're not in touch anymore. So yes, there is reason for concern. I don't remember my first boyfriend's time of birth, but I keep thinking Cancer for his Ascendant. I could be wrong. Of course, he would have a totally different 6H ruler and completely different circumstances in life, due to the houses being very different. I think I might have his time of birth at my parents' house, I think he wrote it to me in a letter and I still have his letters, somewhere. I will have to check that out, I'm now very curious to find out.

The relationship I had with my first boyfriend was not one of my happiest, but it differs slightly from the one I have with the current Sag. They are very different people, from the way they look (first bf was petite and very thin, current Sag is tall and big - ex-rugby player) to my feelings for them (I was never in love with my first bf, I didn't even respect him as a man; I admire current Sag for many things and I feel a lot of affection for him, still) and the way they behaved with me (first bf initially rejected me, current Sag pursued me relentlessly). I dominated my first bf easily, he had a submissive personality, current Sag - no such luck. First boyfriend wasn't a very sexual person, (current Sag is). He lost his virginity in his 20s, current Sag was very precocious (13). They were both very attracted to me sexually, I wasn't very attracted to first bf, but I am to current Sag. I haven't had sex with either of them.

But the fact remains that my first bf became slightly violent with me (grabbed my collar, that was it, he never hit me or anything, but for me it was enough) and given his psychiatric issues, I broke it off with him on the spot because I considered him unstable.

Current Sag said he's not a violent person. He said the only time when he was violent with a woman was after she cheated on him and during their argument she cursed his family and he slapped her.

posted August 22, 2011 08:24 PM            

My heart and soul feels for you, I was very sad in the beginning about all your situation about his deadly illness, glad he might be well, strait after, and on the way get upset and intrigued for all these unclarified and possible lies and all that he put you trought.

I understand your deep desire to find somebody to love in your life, as I am alone too for few years now and I find it very difficult ! I often have the same feelings like you ... Seeing couples kissing, holding hands on the streets / parcs / malls ... especially in weeek-end time or hollidays time is more painful ... Even I have two nice children, because my ex-husband has different religion we couldn't enjoy a normal (normal from my point of view) kind of life, he was very different and from some reasons we had a very dull family life. So seeing parents with their children living in happy family seeing friends and neighbours who spend nice quality time together as family , making nice trips it makes me sad as well ... My kids will grow soon, will have them own life in few years and finding someone special to love and be loved it's the thing that I most want from years up to this moment in this life, and as you said, the thing that it feels is always out of reach for me. I've always have some sort of limitations that prevent me to have a normaly happy life, (different kinds than yours but still ...) all my relationship have some limitation one kind or another ... Maybe in the end is all in our minds and how we perceived ourself ... So try to be positive beliving that when the time will be right you will find that special someone!

Regarding the horary you posted on page 3 you should look as well to all the aspects that Moon does, and is important the final one which in your case is a square to Neptune! I can't say if is about him and his lies or about all these confusions regarding his illness. Also in horary the man is represented more by the Sun than Mars, so the posision in house (again in 8th, but conjunct Venus) and aspects can give clues about what is going on around him.

Also you can have a look to Sabian Symbols of the degrees of Moon, Mercury, Jupiter, Sun to see if it rings any bell to you http://www.sabiansymbols.com/article-detail2d45.html?id=1453 interesting what I've noticed I look - at Jupiter degree - You / or his illness (his 6th house of health) >>>>> Taurus 10: A red cross nurse with warm sympathy , even I konw is 10.10, it should be look at next one at 11 deg, isn't it? stil ...

Now the fact that your first boyfriend was born only few hours away than him, and having mentally illness, would make me run away even I know will be different houses arrangment in his natal chart.

I like people here were very supportive, as always ... and gave you good advice, espcially Voix_de_la_Mer, what can I say more? Just keep being carefull, I have you in my thoughts and I hope you will find your peace and love in your life!

Sorry I can't help you more that that! I am also living in Romania, I am in Bucharest if you would like to talk or even meet, I would be happy to be by your side. Just tell me. So, here is almost 3.30 a.m. I must go to sleep. Take care!

posted August 24, 2011 07:11 AM            

Thank you for your suggestions regarding the horary chart I posted. I haven't had time to apply them, though I will soon, because my mind has been occupied with other things. I took a trip to my parents' house yesterday and I retrieved my first boyfriend's letters. It's both painful and insightful to read them again, after 9 years. Some of the things he wrote are IDENTICAL with what the Sag said to me. Identical... I am starting to view this from a different angle, wondering why these men came into my life, why such a similar person to my first boyfriend, the very first guy I kissed, would reappear in my life like this. Both relationships are/were karmic, if not for asteroid references, but their Suns are on my South Node, on my 12H cusp.. What on earth was the whole message of their presence in my life? Clearly I didn't figure it out with the first one, maybe that's why the second one came along.

I'm having a therapy session today. I haven't talked with my therapist about this. Last time we talked it was on the same day I met Sag for the first time and I was soooooooo in love. I haven't had the chance to discuss the dark parts that came after that with my therapist. It should be... interesting, though I'm a bit frightened of what she might say about all of this.
But I need to hear it, whatever it is. I think I am coming closer to understanding this story, but I need to know if I'm on the right track, or it's just another illusion.

posted August 24, 2011 03:28 PM            

I had an amazing therapy session. I told my therapist everything and she is such a great therapist, she didn't put words in my mouth, she got me to say the words that were already there. The conclusion was that these two meetings (my first bf and Sag) are definitely trying to teach me something and, regardless of the fact that he may or may not have lied to me or that he may/may not be a psychopath like my first bf, he is here in my life for a reason, and I should focus on that. I was 19 when I dated my first boyfriend, I didn't have the maturity to even realize this, but for some reason, 9 years later, the Universe sent me someone very similar to him, in the hope that maybe this time I will get whatever IT is trying to say to me, whatever it is that I have to learn about myself, through these men.

posted August 24, 2011 04:24 PM            

Regarding my Nodes, you're spot on. When I was with my first boyfriend, I was having my very first Nodal return. Now with the Sag, transiting NN has passed my SN a few months ago, I didn't know him at the time, but still.
First boyfriend was having T-NN opposite Sun; current Sag is having T-NN conjunct Mercury-Neptune and soon, opposite his Moon.