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Topic: BDSM
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Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 04:15 PM
Does anyone want to share? Since when have you been into it, experiences, fetishes, tendencies, advice.. anything you want to say about it. I appreciate any input. I am theoretically exploring the possibility of having a sadistic side. I am yet confused as to whether I really have one or it's misplaced anger/aggression in the aftermath of finding out about the child sexual abuse.. but apparently I would really like to hit a man.
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PixieJane Knowflake Posts: 1522 From: CA Registered: Oct 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 04:48 PM
My understanding is that being a sadist in the BDSM subculture isn't about hostility, it's about roles, and the dominant has responsibilities to care for and protect the submissive(s). I'm sure there's a lot of variants, but generally speaking a submissive doesn't fear a dom because s/he knows the abuse will only go so far (one "dungeon" in Houston had 6 levels in a ranking system, and only on the 6th level was bleeding acceptable, and even then there were limits if you didn't want to get kicked out). And as a dom shared with me:
quote: The Dominant’s Creed Author unknownAbove all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all. A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another. A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character. In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals. A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure. To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust. A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth. A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in in whom they can trust their direction. A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honour. A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon. When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson is obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher. A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student. Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand. A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs. A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow. A Dominant never has to demand ritual behaviour from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment. A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them. A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love. A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/other. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold
Perhaps ironically, I know that plenty in the BDSM community actually look down on things like domestic violence (though they sometimes believe that a clear master/mistress and submissive would make life easier on both in an abusive relationship, even if they make a habit of "switching" or to say sometimes one is the dom and sometimes the other, though I personally disagree as I think most domestic violence is more about immaturity, and immaturity and BDSM don't mix well, IMO). And be aware that in the BDSM subculture most purely heterosexual men are doms (which surprises me given the popularity of dominatrix porn and how many men on the net share submissive fantasies) and women are submissives (I wish I could say this surprised me, but it doesn't, and makes me glad I'm not 100% hetero). Interesting enough once you leave pure heterosexuality (both genders, bi as well as gay) then the numbers change to about 50/50 for those geared to be doms and submissives. Anyway, that aside, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't look to experimenting with BDSM (at least not for the reasons you gave, in fact that would actually make me shy away from it until I was sure I had myself and my anger completely under control) but rather channel that anger into helping others and making a difference in the lives of those who are suffering now, such as volunteering with RAINN. Not only does helping others and making a positive difference help many feel better but it's a positive use of anger that can demonstrate to yourself (and to others) that you're not helpless anymore. Of course, you can still get a punching bag (preferably one you don't have to worry about filing charges against you for using it). IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 4567 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted August 27, 2012 07:57 PM
I would never touch any woman out of personal convictions and I'll never allow any woman to touch me because I will outright kick her @$$. So it has never been part of my inclinations. Honestly, it repulses me. But if some idiot wants to have the sh1t kicked out if himself, then be my guest. My childhood makes me even more against such activity. IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 887 From: charlotte, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 27, 2012 08:02 PM
Well now... My experience has been this: -put away surface compassion -put away surface empathy Sometimes, the more depraved the action, the more it is enjoyed..which is the sort of opposite of Romantic love. Careful Hera, this is not necessarily a happy place. It could be said that such a relationship is more "real" as the niceties are stripped away, however that sort of mask of society exists for a legit reason. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 4567 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted August 27, 2012 08:23 PM
Be careful, for some men hit back. You cannot rely on volatile guys to fulfill fantasy roles. I'm sure there's a psycho somewhere who returned with a gun and took out the woman who kick his @$$. IP: Logged |
ail221 Knowflake Posts: 2789 From: Mary Margaret Blanchard's home Registered: Feb 2012
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posted August 27, 2012 08:51 PM
I wouldn't suggest channeling your anger with BDSM, unless this was tried with a long standing partner. Try a martial arts or Fighting class instead. Learn to kick ass instead.IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 887 From: charlotte, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 27, 2012 08:57 PM
quote: Originally posted by ail221: I wouldn't suggest channeling your anger with BDSM, unless this was tried with a long standing partner. Try a martial arts or Fighting class instead. Learn to kick ass instead.
Exactly, otherwise this becomes "what was done to me I'll do to someone else, and at least I can understand it all then!" There are other paths of self discovery, with more positive outcomes. TBH here, there really is a bit of a rush when all that BDSM stuff is going down, won't deny it, that would be dishonest, however at the end of it all..one still feels rather empty. No denying though, the dark side has a rush to it..if one has been there then one knows this.
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Ami Anne Moderator Posts: 39357 From: Pluto/house next to NickiG Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 09:03 PM
quote: Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways: Be careful, for some men hit back. You cannot rely on volatile guys to fulfill fantasy roles. I'm sure there's a psycho somewhere who returned with a gun and took out the woman who kick his @$$.
Practical Capricorn advice ------------------ Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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ail221 Knowflake Posts: 2789 From: Mary Margaret Blanchard's home Registered: Feb 2012
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posted August 27, 2012 09:10 PM
Well unless you plan on being a part time dominatrix for fun were men pay to be dominated by women thats a little different. Fighting class or pvc stockings decisions.....IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:22 PM
I don't want to make this thread about me. I only shared that to give something, to encourage you to share. As I said, my exploration is purely theoretical at this point, though I do admit finding a sadist in me is quite a big surprise, I would have expected a sub. I never said I will go forward with anything. I am in full control of myself and of my mind, disturbed as I may be. I am tempted to submit to the darkness but it doesn't mean that I will. And of course I will take all precautions necessary. I am not stupid, just curious vanilla. I wouldn't mind if a man fights back, maybe I wouldn't feel guilty for hitting him if he does. For now it seems I am more interested in a Fight Club than the sex part. I still have a lot of anger in me that I need to channel into something. It seemed like a good idea, given that it is consensual and I would not cross the limits. I don't even know if I have it in me to actually hit another person, I am pro-life and a humanist for God's sake. I find that a wee twisted tbh but oh well.. I do like to mentally explore extremes. Blame my freak of a chart. IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:29 PM
quote: Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways: I would never touch any woman out of personal convictions and I'll never allow any woman to touch me because I will outright kick her @$$. So it has never been part of my inclinations. Honestly, it repulses me. But if some idiot wants to have the sh1t kicked out if himself, then be my guest. My childhood makes me even more against such activity.
I understand completely how you feel. I feel the same about submissiveness. If a dude would try to kneel me into submission, I wouldn't be able to take it, I'd be extremely tempted to kick his butt. Perhaps if I'd been a man, I would find the idea of hitting a woman repulsive. But as a woman, hitting a man, in a controlled environment.. somehow it doesn't feel that way. IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:34 PM
Pixie, thank you! I am already helping others, have done volunteer work in college. It does help to a degree. I am not a soulless person for God's sake. Trust me, I am Mars/Saturn (as well as Mars/Pluto), I can have full control of my anger. I wouldn't cross the agreed limit and totally sign a contract before anything. IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:39 PM
quote: Originally posted by Padre35:
Well now... My experience has been this: -put away surface compassion -put away surface empathy Sometimes, the more depraved the action, the more it is enjoyed..which is the sort of opposite of Romantic love. Careful Hera, this is not necessarily a happy place. It could be said that such a relationship is more "real" as the niceties are stripped away, however that sort of mask of society exists for a legit reason.
So you were in a dominant position? IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:43 PM
quote: Originally posted by ail221: I wouldn't suggest channeling your anger with BDSM, unless this was tried with a long standing partner. Try a martial arts or Fighting class instead. Learn to kick ass instead.
Believe me, I am very apprehensive of going down that path. I have considered self-defense classes too, perhaps I will try that first. I was in danger of being raped a few times, so knowing how to kick ass does come in handy as one never knows if that will be repeated or not. IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 27, 2012 11:51 PM
quote: Originally posted by Padre35: Exactly, otherwise this becomes "what was done to me I'll do to someone else, and at least I can understand it all then!"There are other paths of self discovery, with more positive outcomes. TBH here, there really is a bit of a rush when all that BDSM stuff is going down, won't deny it, that would be dishonest, however at the end of it all..one still feels rather empty. No denying though, the dark side has a rush to it..if one has been there then one knows this.
You are right, of course. I was taken by surprise a few days ago, I was in my car going to work, and saw this guy in a parallel car at the stop sign. I don't remember much how he looked like, all I know is that he had an unshaved face for like 3 days or so, and looked masculine. And the thought popped in my head that I would really like to hit this guy, enjoy subduing his will to mine. It was totally unexpected, to say the least, and I don't know where it comes from. I am having therapy today, I will discuss more with my therapist. Hope not to shock the hell out of her. I don't think I will, I am pretty sure she heard worse, and I probably do agree that it's just my anger trying to find some release. *sigh* IP: Logged |
aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 5300 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted August 28, 2012 12:03 AM
don't you have mars/pluto? every girl I have known with mars/pluto likes to be dominant.IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 28, 2012 12:04 AM
I was thinking about my Sag ex and how this whole thing popped into my head initially.. about a year ago. Sag was very much into anal sex and wouldn't have a relationship without it. I never had it and perhaps never will. I was very shocked when he first mentioned it. He told me I would make a wonderful submissive and even at that time - when I used to think about myself like that and had perhaps very limited, if any, self-esteem - I still fought him. I did love him more than life itself (quite literally) and said I would think about it. Then something unexpected happened. Sag tells me he is actually more attracted by me doing it to him, me dominating him. He said he never felt that way with anyone except me, never felt the need to surrender to someone else, and the only one who he'd let own him was me. Whooooooa, where did that come from??? My domme side, which he might have perceived, even though I was oblivious of it at the time, or his own submissive side, or both?? Needless to say, nothing happened, relationship with the Sag was so twisted from other points of view that it ended (thank God) long before any of that was acted upon. We were never intimate, in any way. But I remembered this and it made me ponder. IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 28, 2012 12:08 AM
quote: Originally posted by aquaguy91: don't you have mars/pluto? every girl I have known with mars/pluto likes to be dominant.
I have an exact Mars-Pluto opposition, yes. I also have Mars-Saturn opp too. They all square Nessus, Lilith and Lucifer, also my Asc/DC axis. Mercury, ruler of 8th, is also in the mix, conjunct Mars. It happens on 3rd/9th axis. It is there. I always knew I have it in me but I denied it, always. Moon/Neptune is also part of the configuration (trine/sextile the oppositions) and it was a good escape all these years. But Moon/Neptune is on SN, while Mars, Pluto, Saturn are all trine/sextile NN/SN...
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ail221 Knowflake Posts: 2789 From: Mary Margaret Blanchard's home Registered: Feb 2012
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posted August 28, 2012 12:14 AM
quote: Originally posted by Hera: Believe me, I am very apprehensive of going down that path. I have considered self-defense classes too, perhaps I will try that first. I was in danger of being raped a few times, so knowing how to kick ass does come in handy as one never knows if that will be repeated or not.
Martial arts and fighting classes definitely helped my self-confidence. I wouldn't say I go picking fights with men twice my size but knowing I have the skills to defend myself in a dangerous situation puts me at a bit more ease emotionally and mentally. You could try out "krav maga" its a Israeli close combat fighting style. edit. I have a new theory on domination and women, I wonder where you 10295 Hippolyta; Queen of the Amazons, 248 Lamia(asteroid Lameia)- the Greek version of Lilith, 545 Messalina, 562-Salome- A version of Lilith, she is depicted as an icon of dangerous female seductiveness, 271 Penthesile: Greatest female warrior she was another Amazon queen, and 90 Antiope- married theseus, the only amazon to leave the Amazons for marriage are located on your chart. IP: Logged |
aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 5300 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted August 28, 2012 12:15 AM
interesting.all the others I have known with mars/pluto are very aware of and don't try to hide their freaky side.IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 4567 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted August 28, 2012 12:26 AM
I recommend Tae Kwon Do. At the very least, it teaches self discipline. Karate, Judo, Kendo all do that too. If you want self protection, however, I would recommend Kung Fu. I don't use martial arts on anyone without reason, but I will take out any bozo out of line. The warrior code mandates that I don't touch a female. A samurai never draws a katana without taking a life. A martial artist never uses martial arts without reason. My third cousin is among the top female martial artists in the world and was an international film star, but is now retired. Just 5'4" and about 105 pounds. Enough to whoop butt. She was in a Bond film. IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 887 From: charlotte, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 28, 2012 02:40 AM
quote: Originally posted by Hera: So you were in a dominant position?
After the begging..I had very little choice. Weird thing is, and you "know" my chart, it is just assumed that that is what I'm into! Fact of the matter is..well..perhaps later By [URL=http://profile.imageshack.us/user/padre35]padre35[/URLd] at 2012-08-19 It is SOOO difficult to explain this Hera, if one likes someone, and wants to see them in joy, if such things bring them joy it is VERY difficult to just be like "no" all the Scorpio stuff, coupled with triple fire signs, my goodness..and personally..I adore hippy chicks/or women who have fun, but take care of what is important to them! IP: Logged |
FireMoon Knowflake Posts: 631 From: Minnesota Registered: Mar 2012
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posted August 28, 2012 06:03 AM
edit, nevermind lolIP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 28, 2012 08:50 AM
quote: Originally posted by FireMoon: edit, nevermind lol
Why?? Please say what you wanted to say! IP: Logged |
Hera Moderator Posts: 5094 From: the OR Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 28, 2012 09:04 AM
quote: Originally posted by ail221: Martial arts and fighting classes definitely helped my self-confidence. I wouldn't say I go picking fights with men twice my size but knowing I have the skills to defend myself in a dangerous situation puts me at a bit more ease emotionally and mentally. You could try out "krav maga" its a Israeli close combat fighting style.edit. I have a new theory on domination and women, I wonder where you 10295 Hippolyta; Queen of the Amazons, 248 Lamia(asteroid Lameia)- the Greek version of Lilith, 545 Messalina, 562-Salome- A version of Lilith, she is depicted as an icon of dangerous female seductiveness, 271 Penthesile: Greatest female warrior she was another Amazon queen, and 90 Antiope- married theseus, the only amazon to leave the Amazons for marriage are located on your chart.
I think you're pretty spot on!! Salome on my Vertex; Lilith, Antiope, Messalina, Lameia in my 1st house (ANtiope on my Sun/Moon midpoint btw), Hippolyta widely sextile my unaspected Venus, Penthesile trine Sun, Jup and Uranus! I had this song on repeat in my car for a while now, I didn't stop to listen to the lyrics but lookie here lmao http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-5-4K9IeDo&feature=related IP: Logged | |