posted May 20, 2017 08:23 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Dear Brendan,

I am so sorry to hear your news. And after everything getting back on track, this is a tough blow to the heart.
It is not for anyone but you to decide how to deal with this, you must take things at your own pace. We learn many individual lessons in love, and sometimes our behaviour or decisions may seem foolish to others, but these are not their lessons to learn. You have your own path to walk.

On a personal level, I do feel your pain. I have been there. What I will say is that even though I was devastated at the time and really struggled to let go (Mars/Saturn/Pluto, square Venus!!), letting go led me to much fairer lands, both within myself and in my relationships.
I wish with all my heart the same for you when you are ready.

Be gentle with yourself.

---

Voix de la mer, your insight and wisdom offered is greatly appreciated at this time. I know everything changes in life, we grow at different rates. And through relationships we learn more about ourselves and how we relate to our world. It's funny how you can know all this rationally and think of the bigger picture, yet be in such sorrow over a piece of your life that feels gone.

We learn to lose all the time in life, whether it's your hair, a stuffed animal growing up, your keys or a deep love. Maybe it prepares us to deal with life loss each time and teaches us to become grateful and resilient.

I know the more I try to connect with the world instead of being alone, which I often am due to circumstances, the more my eyes will open. I guess I'm intimidated by how hard grieving is and react out of anxiety.

posted May 22, 2017 12:09 AM            

Voix, Did you go through a period of examining everything in your head too much? Overthinking and feeling unattractive, low, undesirable, lost, etc. What helped you through this change or upheaval? Is it just time?

Music is one of the only things helping me now and going on long walks, otherwise I am in a daze and have trouble focusing, feel disoriented and like I can't tolerate anything other than being alone for now.

posted May 22, 2017 05:56 PM            

The emptiness is a horrible feeling, I remember it. Sometimes we do not realise how much of ourselves we have given away to another until they leave. Part of healing is to re-grow yourself, if that makes sense. You are not the same person you were, but you are potentially richer, more experienced, wiser and with more self-knowledge.

I remember the physical feelings you describe well. I felt like my heart was haemorrhaging and that it would never stop. I froze in bed every night. I cried, wailed and raged like a wounded animal.

But yes, over time the assault on my mind and body reduced. What I used was writing, painting and walking in woodlands and near the sea. I will not lie, it was a lonely time, when I felt like the only person on the earth. Seeing other people, couples, families, they all just looked like a postcard or a film running alongside my life.

But the more I channelled my emotions into writing and painting, and the more I walked, and the more time passed, I began to sleep again at night and gradually returned to the land of the living.

What I learned is that you have to go through it to get out of it, if that makes sense. It has never happened again. I learned a lot about boundaries and about equality. But probably the most important thing I learned (10 years later) is that I could not allow that person to swallow my future and sap the joy out of relationships, and I learned to love again.

The feelings of being unattractive and undesirable, these lessened with time also. I do not know your history, but that relationship forced me to see my own inner critic and the true origin of my monumental pain. I had had low self-esteem and self-worth before he cheated on me, his behaviour served to bring it to my attention for healing, or at least that's how I made peace with it all.

posted May 23, 2017 12:04 AM            

Be careful not to define yourself through someone else. I agree with what Voix had to say on that point in an earlier post. You are obviously different from her, but you don't need her life to be yours, but to exist along your world. How does she make you feel? Do you feel safe with her, or are your emotions tossed in the wind? You are obviously ready for a deep, lasting connection, but perhaps you need to define to yourself your ultimate good and needs from a positive relationship. You are worthy of a stable, all-life relationship,with love and respect, and I suggest you don't compromise.

posted May 23, 2017 02:42 PM            

I do/did felt safe with her in person, I felt comfortable, safe and like I could be myself around her. Like we had our own world and then it's gone.

Apparently it feels like she kind of compartmentalizes those recent times and goes off to do what she feels like essentially with others. I guess we have different definitions of boundaries with people.

I am not sure how I am viewed by her anymore really.

But I agree, you cannot allow yourself to be viewed through someone else's life, you have to take care of your own life. It's difficult when you were planning on a future with someone and that's shattered in an instant.

She sent me an email about what happened and apologized for the incident. Part of me can't help but feel it's a symptom of something larger.

I know at some point, I need to see her again to be able to say things and gain closure. I did not get to express anything when I drove to meet her to have her tell me she was with someone else for a night. She was expressing so much grief that I tried to stay balanced. But I felt numb and did not get to express myself at all. This won't sit right with me in order to move on.

posted May 23, 2017 03:46 PM            

I am wishing you a relaxing break. I hope you can find some clarity and peace of mind whilst away. Pop in on your return, let us know how you are doing.

posted May 24, 2017 02:11 AM            

Thanks so much for your constant support here. You have no idea what it means that someone cares and takes the time.

Take care of yourself as well.

posted May 24, 2017 02:15 AM            

I re-read both of your posts and you raise so many good points for me to think on. Obviously you have both been through experiences and ordeals in life. All I can say is I am grateful you are sharing your perspective with me as it helps me to process and understand, and hopefully come to a resolution in time.

posted June 06, 2017 01:33 AM            

I requested she meet me on a day (so I can have closure and move on), like she did with me when she broke the news of the infidelity. And she said no. While I was away, she texted and called, said "goodnight, I love you." Wrote an email saying when I am back we will talk in person.

I said I'd meet her on a day and gave a location to meet (since we've been long distance). And she said "Sorry I won't meet you that day. Actually, I'm not sorry."

posted June 07, 2017 05:44 PM            

What can you do? All you can do in that situation is build your inner peace and release yourself from being dependent on their responses.

It seems senseless that she is responding this way to you after her behaviour. But some people just refuse to be accountable or take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, including giving the explanations that the hurt party deserves.

posted June 11, 2017 09:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Oh Brendan, she sounds really inconsistent, this must be so frustrating for you. The need to get closure is a powerful need, but, sometimes we cannot get it from others involved. Sometimes we have to make our own peace. I am not saying you should give up, I am just acutely aware that sometimes others do not wish to give us the answers we seek.

What can you do? All you can do in that situation is build your inner peace and release yourself from being dependent on their responses.

It seems senseless that she is responding this way to you after her behaviour. But some people just refuse to be accountable or take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, including giving the explanations that the hurt party deserves.

Did your holiday help at all?

---

Thank you for your thoughtful response again Voix. I don't think she is impacted by this on the same level, or on an emotional level like me. Perhaps too different of personalities, I don't know. But for me it continues to be painful. I have been trying to see friends, do things, distract myself, but the terrible feeling keeps coming back at the end and beginning of everyday that nothing will ever be the same.

I keep wondering how I will derive the same amount of joy of being with another person as I felt with her for 7 years. It's hard because it's irreplaceable. I am left at a loss everyday and struggling to find meaning right now.

Just a few weeks ago, we spent a great week together. I felt and it appeared that we were both really happy and enjoying the time we had, but obviously now I don't know her motives. I am struggling to reconcile these great recent times we had, and the current, constant deception I am experiencing.

posted June 16, 2017 05:51 AM            

I apologise for the delay in responding to your note.

I am sorry to hear things are not improving for you yet. It seems to me that the contact you had got your hopes up again, and so the fall was farther when it did not work out. I hope you can get to a place of neutrality soon. I suppose things will not be the same ever again, this is true. But you know, they could actually be better!

When we lose someone of value to us we always think we will never feel so good again, we see them through the eyes of a heart that just wants to feel safe and loved again, a heart that is willing to filter out the danger just to be held again by those familiar arms. I felt this way also. However, once I moved on, found myself again as a distinct individual without any reflection from a lover, and opened myself to others again, I found I was far happier than I could have ever imagined while I was struggling before. AND, I finally saw that that person was not for me. I was able to look back with clarity, unfettered by a wounded heart.

I wholeheartedly believe this will happen for you also. You may in the future still experience fleeting thoughts about the relationship, but there will be less burn and stab to the thoughts. They will lose their power once you regain your autonomy and self-confidence again.

posted June 26, 2017 02:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
No problem, we are with you Brendan!

---

posted June 27, 2017 12:46 AM            

We met tonight to talk, I feel more confused. I don't know where things stand. Honestly, I feel badly that we are both hurting over this in different ways. I try and think of the bigger picture here but feel confused. It had been over a month since we saw each other last. I asked a lot of questions, I don't think she was able to answer some of the big ones, she knows this too. I tried to give space and listen, I know she's going through a hard time. It makes me feel awful seeing someone I love in pain. I don't know if she picks up on my hurt over this situation because I tried to verbalize or intellectualize it. Meanwhile, emotionally I'm suffering too. But, I've tried to stay positive and just in my day since I learned of what happened.

She claims that she truly doesn't remember the incident, that it was not a conscious decision. She has been talking to a therapist which I am glad about. She feels she was taken advantage of. I don't know how to feel about this, she didn't say this initially.

I don't know if she doesn't know how to express certain things emotionally, or through communicating or not. I really don't know.

I know we were both, are both, overwhelmed, stressed by what's gone on.

I don't really know what's going to happen but will just try and keep moving forward.